Not my looks. Not my weight. It's my personality.

[WhiteChocolate]

You ask for advice, and when you don't get what you want to hear, you get nasty. It's time to take a real good look at yourself & stop making excuses. You love to talk, but you don't listen. It's not your looks. It's not your weight. It's your personality.

This was posted on another thread and it made me think. I have not asked for too much advice on LS yet, and maybe it is time to start.

 

I am 19 and a sophomore in University. I don't know how attractive I am, but I'm not ugly; I'll post pictures in my profile asap. I have never had a relationship in which both parties are serious about each other. For me, it has just been lots of casual dates.

 

I am ambitious and am involved in a lot of extracurricular activities. I am also double majoring. I am a happy person; busy but content.

 

If you ask why I am posting this if I am happy, it is because I am beginning to feel lonely at night. And going to parties, getting drunk/high and hooking up with some guy just isn't my style. I want someone trustworthy and compatible for sex, love, and companionship. I'm not looking for a husband (I'm only 19!), but I am looking for a monogamous long term relationship...

 

Help?

[TrueColors]

Thanks for re-posting one of my comments, but I hope you don't take it too much to heart. The person it was meant for is a textbook narcisist who insults anyone who criticizes her.

 

You're right not to follow a path that's not right for you. It's hard at your age not to fall in with the crowd. Hold out for what feels right for you.

 

So what exactly is the problem? Are you not meeting the right type of guy? Do your dates go well? Do they lead to any second dates? Are you making a personal connection with anyone?

 

There's nothing wrong with a little self-examination, but don't be too quick to blame yourself or your personality. It's hard at your age group to find a guy who's interested in something more than just getting laid. All I can suggest is think about what type of guy you're looking for & where to meet them. Their ARE nice guys out there, but sometimes they take a little work to find them.

 

Totally agree.

 

I would also add to be open to finding someone compatible that you might not necessarily expect to fit in with your idea of what they might "look" like.

 

What extracurricular activities do you do? Do you not meet any eligible guys there?

[Lucky_One]

My son is friends with a girl who is 2 years older than he is; she is a sophomore in college. She's pretty, slim, great tennis player, smart, passionate about her field (physical therapy), bubbly, and just a great girl.

 

She asked me the other day if there was anything wrong with her. She has had a few first dates in college (none in high school), but nothing has gone any further than that. She even asked me if I thought she could be gay.

 

After she told me that she has never been attracted to women, so I told her that was a pretty good indication that she wasn't gay.

 

I told her the problem was that she just hasn't met the right man. Her high school was very small and conservative, and she was pretty bright and liberal, so there were no guys there that interested her. She has met guys at uni that she likes, but nothing has panned out. YET.

 

Yet.

 

She will meet him.

 

And so will you. Stay active in the groups, organizations and classes that interest you, that intrigue you, that make your spirit excited. You will him, if he doesn't find you first.

[WhiteChocolate]

So what exactly is the problem? Are you not meeting the right type of guy? Do your dates go well? Do they lead to any second dates? Are you making a personal connection with anyone?

 

All I can suggest is think about what type of guy you're looking for & where to meet them. Their ARE nice guys out there, but sometimes they take a little work to find them.

I am meeting a pretty even mix of guys who were interested in only sex or good guys who are great relationship material. My dates go okay...but I don't feel like I'm making a connection with them. I am excited before the date but for some reason I feel like I can't really be myself on a date with an acquaintance/stranger and end up turning down second dates...

 

I mean, I do have fun, and sometimes I end up with a great friend, but I just don't feel a "spark." There's no moment in which there is positive physical/emotional tension.

 

The one time I did feel a connection was with someone who I was already friends with. It was just so much more comfortable. But that didn't pan out. I think maybe it's cause I'm nervous, or I just need to get to know someone more before agreeing to a date..?

 

I would also add to be open to finding someone compatible that you might not necessarily expect to fit in with your idea of what they might "look" like.

 

What extracurricular activities do you do? Do you not meet any eligible guys there?

I find many types of guys, appearance-wise, attractive.

1. I recently met one very sweet Asian guy in my class who is my height or maybe an inch taller (I'm 5'4'') and I find him cute and would go on a date with him if he asked.
   
2. I also posted about another guy a month ago, a tall Indian guy, and I find him extremely attractive as well...but that also fell through. I don't mind that he drunk called me, but I also found out that he just ended a 3 yr relationship with his high school gf in September...
   
3. I also regularly study with this other guy who is in ROTC; he's white and also smart, very funny and a genuinely nice person. But we've known each other for about a year and it has been a very platonic friendship.
   
4. And several more. So yes, I do meet eligible guys, but it just doesn't move on for some reason or another.
   

Um...yea I like a lot of types hahaha.

 

I am in a Student Government organization, Women in Medicine (no guys there LOL,) and work in an internship abroad program. I also regularly work with classmates on homework; one of my majors (Management Information Systems) has majority guys...

 

However, my regular friend group is with girls. I do feel more comfortable around other females; that is probably attributed to my childhood; I didn't have any male friends growing up, until my junior year in high school.

 

And so will you. Stay active in the groups, organizations and classes that interest you, that intrigue you, that make your spirit excited. You will find him, if he doesn't find you first.

I am just concerned that each year will drift into the next...into the next...and I will never find the "spark" to ignite a romantic relationship. Several female posters on LS have done this, figuring love will just fall into their lap, and are 30 and lonely; I don't want to be like that.

 

I am naturally a more proactive person; I do "make the first move," and have suggested movie, dinner, bowling, hiking, just hanging out playing a board game haha. But it has just never progressed to anything.

 

Long post. Srry

[USMCHokie]

I've always had my doubts regarding the "spark"...I see it as merely a fiction invented by someone to rationalize not dating a person who might otherwise be great relationship material due to lack of physical attraction...that raw attraction that makes you want to rip off a person's clothes and ravage them...and I don't think that kind of attraction is something that can be developed over the course of getting to know someone and falling for their personality...it's something that is either there or not from the beginning...surely a lesser attraction can develop over time, but it will never match the "spark"...and hence the difficulty in crawling out from the friend zone...no spark...

[AHardDaysNight]

I don't know what you look like, but you sound like a pretty well rounded person with a good personality. You are also young. It just sounds like you haven't met the right person yet.

[Lucky_One]

If the first date was fun/ok/went well, then why not accept a second date?

 

Rule #1. Sometimes attraction grows - it is not instantaneous.

 

Rule #2. Sometimes you need to be friends before you can be lovers.

 

A second date is a date. You aren't accepting an engagement ring, you aren't leaping into bed, you aren't promising to go to meet Mom and Dad at Christmas. Go on the date, and you may relax more and be more yourself, and then you will be happier with the outcome.

[somedude81]

I also regularly work with classmates on homework; one of my majors (Management Information Systems) has majority guys...

You're an MIS major? Sweet.

 

There are like five girls in my program.

 

How do you respond to guys interacting/flirting with you?

 

Do you make it obvious that you could be interested?

 

About how often do you get asked out, or obviously flirted with?

[betterdeal]

Maybe approach the whole thing a bit less formally e.g. instead of going on dates, hang out with friends and the guy(s) you have your eye on. As you said, you felt more when something developed between you and a friend, so getting to know each other in a less pressured way works better for you. Or invite them along to something you enjoy, like one of your activities. If the process of connecting is enjoyable you're more likely to evolve it into something deeper.

 

Think of it like a massage: you start with a friendly greeting, then gentle, light strokes and work your way up to the deep tissue work as you gain trust and relaxation in each other. Dates, I find, can be pretty do-or-die and that kind of pressure takes the fun out of it.

[WhiteChocolate]

Tysm for all the responses, will use some of the advice.

If the first date was fun/ok/went well, then why not accept a second date?

 

A second date is a date. You aren't accepting an engagement ring, you aren't leaping into bed, you aren't promising to go to meet Mom and Dad at Christmas. Go on the date, and you may relax more and be more yourself, and then you will be happier with the outcome.

I'm not taking it that seriously. For some reason, I just haven't "felt like" going on any second dates because...I don't even know. I need to think through my thoughts and feelings when it isn't 1 am.

 

How do you respond to guys interacting/flirting with you?

 

Do you make it obvious that you could be interested?

 

About how often do you get asked out, or obviously flirted with?

I'd like to believe that I respond positively; however, I was quite shy as a child. I have learned how to be more outgoing, and am more comfortable in ordinary social situations, but when talking to someone I like, sometimes I become a bit tongue-tied.

 

I'd also like to think I'm obvious about my interest level, but now that I think about it, I'm not sure. I'd elaborate but I'm kinda tired atm.

 

About how often I get asked on a date? About once a month. Obviously flirted with? At least once a week, more or less. I'm just an average person lol.

[TrueColors]

I've always had my doubts regarding the "spark"...I see it as merely a fiction invented by someone to rationalize not dating a person who might otherwise be great relationship material due to lack of physical attraction...that raw attraction that makes you want to rip off a person's clothes and ravage them...and I don't think that kind of attraction is something that can be developed over the course of getting to know someone and falling for their personality...it's something that is either there or not from the beginning...surely a lesser attraction can develop over time, but it will never match the "spark"...and hence the difficulty in crawling out from the friend zone...no spark...

 

I totally agree with this.

 

However, my regular friend group is with girls. I do feel more comfortable around other females; that is probably attributed to my childhood; I didn't have any male friends growing up, until my junior year in high school.

 

I'd like to believe that I respond positively; however, I was quite shy as a child. I have learned how to be more outgoing, and am more comfortable in ordinary social situations, but when talking to someone I like, sometimes I become a bit tongue-tied.

 

I can definitely empathise with you on these 2 points.

 

Perhaps it's a fear of judgement? Perhaps that someone that you actually are attracted to will see through you?

[somedude81]

I'd like to believe that I respond positively; however, I was quite shy as a child. I have learned how to be more outgoing, and am more comfortable in ordinary social situations, but when talking to someone I like, sometimes I become a bit tongue-tied.

 

I'd also like to think I'm obvious about my interest level, but now that I think about it, I'm not sure. I'd elaborate but I'm kinda tired atm.

 

About how often I get asked on a date? About once a month. Obviously flirted with? At least once a week, more or less. I'm just an average person lol.

Wow, getting asked out once a month and obviously flirted with once a week is average? That's much higher than I expected.

 

So what happens with all the guys that flirt with you and ask you out?

 

If you're getting that much interest from guys then what is the problem?

[LynnieBear]

Wow, getting asked out once a month and obviously flirted with once a week is average? That's much higher than I expected.

 

So what happens with all the guys that flirt with you and ask you out?

 

If you're getting that much interest from guys then what is the problem?

 

I could've asked the same thing.

[USMCHokie]

If you're getting that much interest from guys then what is the problem?

 

They are not hot enough.

 

With increased attention, especially coming from a less socially comfortable background, comes increased expectations and standards. If we are getting attention from x "level" of men, then we should also be getting it from x+1, etc. Hence the lack of spark.

[betterdeal]

I'd like to believe that I respond positively; however, I was quite shy as a child. I have learned how to be more outgoing, and am more comfortable in ordinary social situations, but when talking to someone I like, sometimes I become a bit tongue-tied.

 

Do you use non-verbal cues too, such as winking etc?

[WhiteChocolate]

Wow, getting asked out once a month and obviously flirted with once a week is average? That's much higher than I expected.

 

So what happens with all the guys that flirt with you and ask you out?

 

If you're getting that much interest from guys then what is the problem?

Well, I go to one of the largest public universities in the nation and meet several new people every day. And I think a lot of the flirting is playful teasing that doesn’t lead anywhere. I make friends, flirt, have a good time, and part ways. Some of the guys fade out; others become study buddies or people to hang out with once in a while.

 

I really do think these numbers are average for someone in my position. And I know many girls who fend off guys on a daily, or even hourly, basis.

 

And I’m not interested in getting interest from many guys. I would rather develop a deeper relationship with one guy. It’s getting there that I’m having trouble with.

 

Is it just because I haven't met the right guy? I'm not so sure about that. I have friends who seem to rarely be out of a relationship; I might not be as outgoing but I am just as friendly and I do "put myself out there," speaking up, making jokes, participating. Is there something in me that is just unable to connect with someone?

 

They are not hot enough.

 

With increased attention, especially coming from a less socially comfortable background, comes increased expectations and standards. If we are getting attention from x "level" of men, then we should also be getting it from x+1, etc. Hence the lack of spark.

I don't know. Most of these guys are pretty cute, you have to be pretty hideous, out of shape, or shorter than 5'4'' to turn me off. I'm not looking for perfection, just someone funny, ambitious, smart, trustworthy, and with a similar outlook on life. I find plenty of the first three, some of the fourth, and so far none on the last. Or I haven't made it far enough to really find that out...

 

But maybe you are right. Thus it is an expectations thing and I need to get off my high horse. How?

 

Do you use non-verbal cues too, such as winking etc?

LOLOL! I'm not sure...does smiling a lot count.

[Shaun-Dro]

This was posted on another thread and it made me think. I have not asked for too much advice on LS yet, and maybe it is time to start.

 

I am 19 and a sophomore in University. I don't know how attractive I am, but I'm not ugly; I'll post pictures in my profile asap. I have never had a relationship in which both parties are serious about each other. For me, it has just been lots of casual dates.

 

I am ambitious and am involved in a lot of extracurricular activities. I am also double majoring. I am a happy person; busy but content.

 

If you ask why I am posting this if I am happy, it is because I am beginning to feel lonely at night. And going to parties, getting drunk/high and hooking up with some guy just isn't my style. I want someone trustworthy and compatible for sex, love, and companionship. I'm not looking for a husband (I'm only 19!), but I am looking for a monogamous long term relationship...

 

Help?

 

This is why you must seek an older man, anywhere between 25-35 if you can handle it. This way, you get maturity and even some stability. You're a young woman after all.

[WhiteChocolate]

This is why you must seek an older man, anywhere between 25-35 if you can handle it. This way, you get maturity and even some stability. You're a young woman after all.

Okay, this might be my one (almost) inflexible preference. I like guys who are about the same age I am.

1. Men age 25-35+ seem like they are looking for marriage or something much more serious than I am ready to handle.
   
2. They are also tend to be more patronizing because they are older, and;
   
3. They are more interested in my youth and sex than my mind, heart, and soul. Whether they really are or not, it just feels that there is the subtle undercurrent of that to me.
   

[betterdeal]

I'm 37 and if I got involved with a 19 year it would be for entirely seedy and nefarious reasons, so your gut instinct it right about older men

 

Have you tried just asking straight out, a guy you fancy, if he'd fancy a snog / to make out / whatever you call kissing these days with you? I mean, go to a party and chat to a guy, get off with him, rinse and repeat, so you get used to the experience of (a) engaging with guys (b) having sexy times with them.

 

There are a million and one ways to explore. Try a few!

[WhiteChocolate]

Have you tried just asking straight out, a guy you fancy, if he'd fancy a snog / to make out / whatever you call kissing these days with you? I mean, go to a party and chat to a guy, get off with him, rinse and repeat, so you get used to the experience of (a) engaging with guys (b) having sexy times with them.

 

There are a million and one ways to explore. Try a few!

I have thought of that. But I don't think I'd ever get the guts go through with it unless I'm drunk. But in that case anything could happen...

 

But I am very careful about drinking and stop as soon as I feel even slightly tipsy; I prefer being sober-ish and safe.

 

Also, I'm looking for a monogamous relationship; no matter how desperate, I don't want to be a ONS.

 

That being said, Halloween is coming up. Acting lk a slut would be normal and expected.

[norajane]

If you aren't going out on second dates when asked, you aren't giving yourself a chance to get to know these guys. Dates are not the best way to get to know people...so much stress and pressure. I agree with the poster that you should invite these guys to spend time with you (and your friends) doing something you enjoy. That takes the pressure off, and lets you get to know someone in a different, more natural way.

 

When you get asked on a second date, say yes, let's do xyz - pick something fun that you enjoy that he can do with you, not a dinner date.

[WhiteChocolate]

You should invite these guys to spend time with you (and your friends) doing something you enjoy. That takes the pressure off, and lets you get to know someone in a different, more natural way.

 

When you get asked on a second date, say yes, let's do xyz - pick something fun that you enjoy that he can do with you, not a dinner date.

Okay, for some reason that just clicked. I have an idea; time to run with it!

[Shaun-Dro]

Okay, this might be my one (almost) inflexible preference. I like guys who are about the same age I am.

1. Men age 25-35+ seem like they are looking for marriage or something much more serious than I am ready to handle.
   
2. They are also tend to be more patronizing because they are older, and;
   
3. They are more interested in my youth and sex than my mind, heart, and soul. Whether they really are or not, it just feels that there is the subtle undercurrent of that to me.
   

 

While true we want your body, it's our nature to, so don't detest it, but a good older man will adore you for who you are as a person, so go give it a chance.

 

I see tons of young girls like you looking around at guys like me to make a move so there's certainly truth to what I'm saying. And not every guy 30 and over wants a marriage. I sure don't!

[WhiteChocolate]

While true we want your body, it's our nature to, so don't detest it, but a good older man will adore you for who you are as a person, so go give it a chance.

 

I see tons of young girls like you looking around at guys like me to make a move so there's certainly truth to what I'm saying. And not every guy 30 and over wants a marriage. I sure don't!

Why wouldn't a good younger man adore me for who I am? After all, they have access to many women who are more attractive than me, so I'd hope that it's my body AND personality they like.

 

I don't know, I just can't bring myself to go after older guys. Once I was volunteering and this guy gave me his number. I agreed to dinner and when I saw him again I realized he was balding and had faint wrinkles. For some reason when I was volunteering I totally missed that. :lmao:

 

I actually still have no idea how old he is.

[betterdeal]

Have you got your eye on anyone at present?