He enjoys making me jealous on purpose - why does he do that?

[Janice]

I have a problem I can't seem to control - slight jealousy. Normally I'm a very well adjusted girl with high self esteem but somehow this particular guy I'm with currently does little things to intentionally make me jealous and it just pisses me off. He enjoys it and loves seeing me get jealous.

 

I need to know how to handle this. I'm normally someone who never gets jealous and has very high self esteem so I can't figure out why I let him get me so rattled. I'm not madly in love with him and he's not very attractive - but he does have a big ego he likes having stroked.

 

Ok. Here's what he does to rattle me (and I try like hell not to even flinch or let it bother me but it does and I need everyone's advice on how to conceal my jealousy).

 

He flirts with other women when I'm not around and he will intentionally say things like "Yea these girls I talked to at work....." or "The lady across the street came over and gave my son some ice cream".

 

We went to the beach this weekend and he drove around and intentionally pulled over to park next to the only girl on the beach wearing a thong. Mind you we had our kids with us. He couldn't stop staring at this girl. She was drunk and was bending over and showing off for all the cars driving by. I didn't think it was appropriate for our young kids to see. She was with an old guy who was groping her ass and everytime I looked at my guy he was staring at her. He was doing it intentionally so that I'd see him looking.

 

Finally I said "Honey you can look all you want it doesn't bother me - enjoy". He laughed. It did bother me but what could I do - I was jealous and felt stupid for even bringing attention to it. But I was pissed that he parked next to her and went overboard staring at her when there was miles and miles of beach we could have parked elsewhere on.

 

It's because he intentionally does things to make me jealous on purpose and I hate it. He repulses me when he does this and I've told him that purposely making me jealous only turns me off.

 

I will be at his house watching tv and he'll be flipping channels and on purpose pause on the station showing the "Girls Gone Wild" commercials or a Howard Stern segment with women doing vulgar things. I sit there and look at him like "Do you not have any respect for me that I'm sitting here next to you?"

 

I'm 41 and pretty but not the hot young babe I used to be - is this why I'm feeling jealous? He's 46 - he seems to enjoy leaving out girlie magazines for me to see and hangs bikini calendars in his living room.

 

When we first started dating he made a comment to me that after the first time his sister met me she told him "She looks like the jealous type". She had only known me for 15 minutes - during that short time period I wasn't jealous and thought I was very outgoing and polite. How the hell could she come to that conclusion in 15 mintues?

 

Think he said this because he wants me to be jealous? I want to teach him not to intentionally try to make me jealous - I think it's mean that he does it on purpose.

 

I've never been jealous with any other man in my life because they've always made me feel secure and treated me like a lady. This guy seems to enjoy saying and doing things to rattle me.

 

What should I do? I hate the way he makes me feel and the fact he isn't considerate about my feelings and seems to enjoy doing this to me. How should I deal with this?

[dyermaker]

He's inappropriate, and acting out destructively with the intention of showing disrespect toward you. Your jealousy isn't irrational, it's a response to provacation. It's natural for a guy to look, but just plain mean for his wandering eye to manifest itself in such an in-your-face manner.

 

What should I do? I hate the way he makes me feel and the fact he isn't considerate about my feelings and seems to enjoy doing this to me. How should I deal with this?

 

No one should have to put up with that. I would end the relationship immediately--especially because you have kids, they deserve someone a bit more grown-up. If you're feeling compassionate, give him a 'cut-the-crap' ultimatim, and stick to it.

[soserious1]

I'm in the same boat.Mine doesn't give women an appreciative once over,he does double and triple takes that are so overt they stop conversation,usually what he's looking at is around age 20.He also does things like come home and give commentary on various women he saw thruout the day,usually the comments are negative but he goes into such detail that it's worrisome.He gets angry and defensive when called on this behavior and tries to place all the blame on me ie:the "you're insecure" card.Sorry when a certain behavior just eats away at you,it's usually not just you being petty and jealous.

 

I've tried various things from speaking up calmly to out and out going off,I don't expect him not to notice a pretty woman,I do expect him to have some manners when he's with me.One thing I have sorted out is that some of this is related to his own age,mid-life issues are not confined just to women.As it is now,he's cooled it with the comments and is a bit more restrained when he's with me,in turn I do my darndest

to overlook the rest of it.

 

What you need to decide is this,does he act this way out of his own mid-life issues,is he just clueless/lacking in tact? or is he trying to fuel jealousy and insecurity in you to ease his own insecurities?

 

There's a lot of guys out there who genuinely love their women but amazingly are clueless as to how to discretely admire a beautiful woman while in the company of their g/friend,wife,there are also times in life when they go thru their own turmoil related to virility and their ability to attract the opposite sex,if the guy loves you these are usually fixable..the last though,the dude who takes a fairly secure woman and attempts to make her feel like crap to boost his own low self-worth is usually not,this trait is pretty toxic imho.

[NatoPMT]

Janice - get out of this. in front of the children!!! not just inappropriate as a boyfriend, highly inappropriate as a father. horrible behaviour all round.

 

you say you normally have high self esteem, make use of it now.

[Pyrannaste]

I agree with BigBelm and Dyermaker.

 

What kind of lesson is he teaching to the kids, that you can disrespect women and that women are supposed to suck it up????

 

 

My boyfriend sometimes makes a comment about some girl just to make me jealous.... but it's usually not in a mean way, it's intended as a joking way to tell me I'm too jealous.

Or he would comment in a way that upsets me without meaning to.

Which is very different from deliberately telling things that will *hurt* your girlfriend and *enjoy* it!!!!!

 

He flipped channels to penthouse show or playboy show while I was with him, but when I told him that it made me feel very unconfortable and asked him to avoid to, he stopped.

Throwing a vulgar programme/commercial in the face of your girlfriend because you did not think of it is *very* different than doing it to hurt her.

 

Leaving girls magazines out because you are careless is one thing, doing that on purpose is unbearable.

 

this gut has a sadistic, controlling vein in him.

I don't believe one second what his sister is supposed to have said, unless she is a mean bitch who supports her brother's behaviour because she thinks it's fun.

 

You can't put up with all this sh*t, and why should you?

What's so wonderful in this man that you haven't got rid of his ass already?

 

Perhaps when he is not playing games with your mind he is the nicest guy in this world, but if you stay with him you'll destroy all the self esteem you have left.

 

You could try with an ultimatum, but is it worth it? I think that his behaviour in front of your children is absolutely unforgivable.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by Pyrannaste

 

What kind of lesson is he teaching to the kids, that you can disrespect women and that women are supposed to suck it up????

 

 

And what kind of lesson are YOU teaching your kids by showing them you allow yourself to be disrespected??

 

I agree with BigBelm, Dyermaker, and Pyrannaste on everything. This guy is controlling and sadistic. His sister may or may not have said that, but he said it to YOU to plant that in your head that you are a jealous person. I'm sure in his history with women he's done the same thing. By now he knows how to set the stage so that's what he did with you. Now whenever you get annoyed at something he can come back at you with "your jealous. my sister said you'd be jealous and i didn't believe her." He set the stage to make you doubt yourself and you obviously are if you're writing in here instead of getting rid of him.

[deesgirl]

You know, I don't think he is trying to make you jealous. I think that this is the way he is.

 

Sometimes we try to tell ourselves that people are better than they are because we want to believe we can fix them. It sounds like openly lusting after other women is part of his personality. It's not likely that you'll be able to change this.

 

You'll have to decide if this is something you can live with or something that will always make you feel bad.

 

I agree with the others that this is a terrible example that he's setting for his kids and yours.

[bluechocolate]

He enjoys making me jealous on purpose - why does he do that?

 

Because he's an idiot.

 

Toward the end of your post you say you want to teach him.

 

I say you should leave him.

[NatoPMT]

freeme's point is very valid, you are contributing to the distorted view the children are subjected to by allowing this idiot to behave this way towards you - validating that this is the way relationships are, and that drunk women being groped in the street are to be gawped at

 

please please leave him.

 

Perhaps when he is not playing games with your mind he is the nicest guy in this world

 

my 10p bet says hes a plant pot 24/7.

[dudesomewhere]

most times(if not all the time) people who try to make others jealous do it for a control factor. They want to see how much you are willing to take. Why? They want to see if they can control you. They want to break down your self esteem so that you become their pawn for the start of whatever games they choose to launch.

 

I knew this girl who did that to me...then she realized I didn't care and that was it, hehe. I rock

 

yeah, people who try to make you jealous have absolutely no respect for you. Sadly many will never learn this. ah well...I need some cereal

[Janice]

Dudesomewhere - you made me laugh - thanks. Thanks to everyone else who responded. I woke up and realized he is trying to control me and gain power over me by playing mind games.

 

He wants me to be jealous because this gives him power - unfortunately this attempt has caused me to end my relationship with him because it's turned me off - I'm disgusted with him.

 

It will be easy for me to end it now - and not look back. Thanks for your responses they helped me tremendously!

[julias589]

I have a severe jealousy problem.

It only happens when there is lots of breasts (and/or female genitalia) in movies. I used to be emotional in front of my husband when it happened. I've gotten a lower self esteem and didn't want my husband to see me nude. I'm ashamed of my body and too ashamed/modest to admit that I'm beautiful. Some days I look in the mirror and see that I'm beautiful, and other days, I see that I look different, and that I look like crap. Whenever I show emotion over those things, my husband would download porn and watch it, I suppose to punish me. He always tells me "I don't like being told what to do" so there is no suggesting anything to him. I can't get feedback or help from him. He believes he's in the right and I'm in the wrong, and there's no getting through to him. He says if he downloads porn, I'll eventually get used to him seeing it and that I'll get over it. But it has not helped me - he was wrong. He doesn't understand what physical & emotional changes my body goes through when he tortures and hurts me like that - emotionally, i'm crushed, i feel suicidal, i feel worthless and physically: I shake uncontrollably, I sweat, i get the feeling that I'm going to pass out and my eyelids try to shut like i've not slept in days, I stare into space like i'm in shock, I get cold chills all over, headaches, heart pain (panic attacks), I get nauseous and have even started dry heaving/vomiting. An episode of this happened the other night and I told him I thought I was going to be sick, and he just rolled his eyes...I prayed to God that night to give me strength to get thru that night. The night still hurt like hell, (he had downloaded a porno and watched it, looking over at me every now and then, I guess to see my reaction, and how I was doing from his testing me....) I think that night he had provoked my emotions to this. It all started when we were going through some stuff at a garage and he found some porno magazines and said "I should take these home and look at them". And then I just chuckled and said "bob" (He denied saying that, but I've got a witness that knows the truth) Maybe my husband forgot he said that? (but i don't think so because when we got home he mentioned again that he should get those magazines and look at them. I said "I guess I feel okay with that, and that it doesn't bother me that much. But it would be odd/weird if you kept them" and he said "I don't like being told what to do" (I wasn't telling him anything to do, I was just merely stating my feelings on him looking at those magazines...I hope he doesn't keep them. He's never masturbated to porn since we've met. So why would he keep it? He's kept porn videos from previous arguments and threatened to watch them again if my emotions got out of control again. That's why I think he likes torturing me, and I don't think it's right, but what do you think?) And even though I had apologized for my actions so much, he went and downloaded the porn movie. I think he likes to provoke my jealousy... We don't have sex as much now (if he didn't download porn on purpose then I would want him more often). He has little hissy fits about un-important things like my pet getting on "his" bed (that we both sleep on). Now I have to lock my pet up for hours upon hours each day because he doesn't want my pet to get on "his" bed....(That's why we have this thing called a "washer" so you can wash the sheets, but I'd be the one doing that because he never does any house work. I can't suggest any housework to him because he'll accuse me of telling him what to do. I never demand him to clean house, I always ask ie.: "Honey, would you mind helping me clean house" "Would help me wash dishes" etc.) He wonders why we don't have sex that often, blames it all on me...Truthfully, my sex drive has dropped drastically (I'm 21), stress about our income and bills have taken their toll on me, he is a turn off because of the fights we have (almost everyday), he turns me off because he always thinks he's right and i'm wrong, his childish pet peeves turn me off, and the number 1 reason i'm turned off is because he is revengeful by downloading porn to piss me off (or in his terms "help me get over jealousy of porn"). One time he even mocked me by using a smart ass voice saying "Oh I don't feel good, I don't feel like it". If I felt like having sex I did - when i didn't feel good or feel like it I said "I'm sorry babe, but I don't feel like it right now. Maybe a little bit later?" I can't believe he said that. He told me that day that I need to stop being a bitch. He says I treat him bad by not showing my naked body to him and not having sex with him as much and if we did have sex he thinks i acted like i was just eager to get it over with. Truth is, it's very hard for me to even achieve an orgasm and I feel like a failure when we get done. He never tries to stimulate me with his fingers, hands, etc after he has finished his orgasm....It's like when he finishes his orgasm, we're done. And it's like if i don't orgasm before him, then my loss...

He says he wants to see what other people look like naked....What's up with that? So if that's true then I guess he needs to see my friends naked too....

The other day, he brought in some entertainment center equipment (stereos and such) and moved my stuff because he was putting his speakers and tv and stuff in a certain spot. I told him what if I didn't want my stuff moved and he said "That's just too bad" and my jaw dropped. I'm his wife and I live under the same roof he does and it would be nice if I could have some input on where things are going to be arranged and such, don't you think? That's not too much to ask for is it?

I know you're only hearing 1 side of this but please know that I'm being very truthful of my situation. I don't know what to do... I'm sorry my post is so long but I've so much to explain, and just don't know where to start...

About me, I do have a very low self esteem (sometimes I think I look good but I feel guilty for admitting it to myself and/or others), I had a great self esteem until my parents put me through drama with doctors thinking I had a weight problem when I was actually healthy. My father cheated on my mother and left us for another woman (and then another woman after that). He accused me of breaking up the family. So trust is a really big issue, followed by low self esteem followed by jealousy. My husband seems to think that I can just tell myself that I shouldn't be jealous, and that he loves me and that I'm beautiful. I could tell myself that all day, but I can't seem to make myself believe it. And how can he love me, and still download porn purposely knowing it hurts me so much, and probably causing more damage than before. I've told him before that I can't help myself, I need someone else's help. He tells me I don't need a psychologist. These arguments have been ongoing for a few years and nothing has changed except that I hide my emotions better but it's very very very hard to cover up the physical changes that happen to me while i'm upset. I guess he thinks I'm faking them, but I'm not...Why can't he see this is real, and this is a major problem that I can't gain control of?

[dudesomewhere]

julias589

 

you should post what you just said in a whole separate thread...and register

 

keeping it short though, I always believe people should get out...end things as quick as possible. I love women(good women) and respect them utterly. I hate seeing people get broken down, male or female, it's just plain wrong. Yeah a lot of times you'll see me goof off and do silly posts but sometimes I'm real serious. So just in case you see this, register and give me a holler. And yes, you can gain control of your problem, you just need something...and that something might just be a good friend...yes I'm talking about me

[julias589]

I can't register - I can't let him know I'm getting help/advice. It might make things worse. I'll check back here everynow and then if I can find my posts again

Thank you for your help though, I'm still working on my problems. He's gotten more porn again...He thought I was frustrated at him so he got more. I'm just praying to be strong enough to handle this and to hide my emotions and maybe he'll delete them after he watches them...Pray for me

Thank you

[HoneyWheat]

Hi Janice,

 

While reading your post I just felt compelled to write to you.

 

I got to thinking that your husband is committing what Christians would refer to as pornia. (Not sure how to spell that.) This is a case in which Jesus allowed divorce. So do not feel that you 'have to get used to it' as your husband would like you to believe. YOu do not have to stay. you are permiitted to leave by Jesus.

 

When we are married we are called to chastity and your husband is not practicing chastity in the marriage with you...He is committing multiple sins against chastity constantly and without remorse.

 

Some might like to mince words with you by saying he's not cheating or committing adultery....but if you keep the definition to chastity...no one can argue with that.

 

He is committing pornia which is the same thing as unchastity.

 

 

Divorce him and marry someone else...seriously!

 

Your body is telling you you can't take it anymore. So please for your own mental health and sexual happiness get out. PLEASE! God does not want you to suffer like this.

 

 

 

You have nothing to feel guilty about and you don't owe your husband anything.

[Fool In Love]

He's got low self esteem and He's jealous of your high self esteem.

Sounds like a giant ass hole. You know what, I'd take a little drive to the beach with him in the passenger seat and park next to the most tan, buff, sexey guy I could find. And get your binoculars out.

[scarlyjones]

Guys with low selfesteem look for women with even lower selfesteem. That way he can KEEP yours down lower than his by telling you,..you look ugly, fat,...whatever. They also do this by,...yes,....staring so OBVIOUSLY at other women right in front of you. And if you do things like act like you dont even notice,...they then start saying things like "So,..this girl came up to talk to me today................" Just to GET your attention. Half the time, its B.S. Other half is totally exaggerated. They will change the story around so a simple "smile" from a woman, in HIS story,...becomes a handjob or something. Dont believe it. If there EVER is a time you think you look good,....thats because you DO look good. The times you think you dont,...thats just your depression or low selfesteem distorting the mirrors reflection in your eyes. Dont buy into his crap. If I were you,...I would dump this guy THIS MINUTE. He is NOT ever going to stop this behavior. You guys havent been together THAT long and he is already doing things that have you posting on an internet forum.