kentuckymom Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I had an affair that lasted only a month physically, emotionally about 4 months. I am NOT looking for critizism, because I obviously know it was wrong. I DO love my husband, and never ever planned on doing this, because I would never intentionally hurt him. He is too good for that..yet, here we are. My 'ex' worked with me for a few months, and we innocently started as friends. and somehow connected, despite me being 12 years older, happily married ( i know..how it sounds), with kids, ect..and it was instant attraction that we both denied..until I ran into him in the store after he quit working with me..we hugged, and sparks flew , the world stopped, and I actually trembled..I am NOT a teenager obviously, or innocent, I understand..but...to make a long story short, he told me he would like to see a movie,,as friends..I agreed because I was there, and we started to text after that..little things like he had a crush on me, he was attracted to me, I thought he was sweet, ect...then we went to another movie,...and kissed. Wrong,god I know..but..it went from there..slept together 2 times, lots of talks, lots of compliments, touching, laying by each other, just not talking, kissing, emotionally I could not have dreamed of anything more real..realistically I am married and not planning on leabing him..so..our conscience caught up with us and we just ended things yesterday as friends..both agreeing it was time to part ways..tho I am devastated..how can I possibly be this distraught if I have such a wonderful man? s was younger, nothing I was looking for, yet he made me feel special, and now I feel like my heart is broken because I know I did the right thing..finally..but now there is a void. I dont know what to do.ir feel. I never thought this would happen..now I let him go hoping nothing but the best for him..can someone please help me? I am lost and alone..and I have not told my husband because I dont want to hurt him. Unfortunately my heart got invested, and I need to figure out where to go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I have not told my husband because I dont want to hurt him. Unfortunately my heart got invested, and I need to figure out where to go from there. Tell your husband. It will hurt more when he learns it from someone else. And he hill -- these things never get kept secret. Full disclosure is the best and most honest way to move beyond this otherwise it will fester and make you feel worse -- and tempt you to do it again. You have to decide if you want to work on your marriage so that this won't happen again and give your husband the chance to decide if he wants to continue as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kentuckymom Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 By the way, I know that, while the other did truly care, I know my heart was the one that got invested. I fell for the way he treated me, and the things he said. I wish I had said no because, while I can't change the past, and I really do want the other to move on, find someone his own age, ect. I miss him more then I should, and I am pretty sure its the emotional part. I feel stupid, ridiculous, and ashamed that I even let it happen. I couldn't fight it as hard as I tried, and when the other looked at me, I actually felt like I used to when my husband was like that..he is emotionally distant which is NOT an excuse I understand..this is my fault, mine alone, and yet I feel like I gave the other half of my heart..what do I do, and how do I forget that I could have thrown away an incredible marriage for sweet words, kisses, ect? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Do you really think your husband isn't going to notice you in mourning? Are you going to lie to him when he asks why? Are you going to gas light him by making him doubt himself? Shouldn't he have the same option that you excerised to show how much he loves you and how happy his marriage is with someone else? Don't you think that would be fair to him? Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Don't tell your husband, ever. If he didn't ask you while it was going on, he probably won't ask you later, but, if he does, lie. Ignorance is bliss. It is a huge thing for a marriage to survive and affair. You screwed up, then you fixed it (ended it). Get over it and move on. Make sure you destroy all evidence, and take your secret to your grave. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Don't tell your husband, ever. If he didn't ask you while it was going on, he probably won't ask you later, but, if he does, lie. Ignorance is bliss. It is a huge thing for a marriage to survive and affair. You screwed up, then you fixed it (ended it). Get over it and move on. Make sure you destroy all evidence, and take your secret to your grave. Some marriages survive the disclosure of an affair, and some even become more satisfying after the work of recovering from the betrayal. Do you know of marriages which have survived the continued deception? I haven't heard of any. I would think it would be difficult to maintain intimacy with the distance such deception creates. Sounds like a rather sad marriage. If one tells one may not have a marriage at all, but at least the possibility of an authentic, intimate M is there if both people commit to working towards that. Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 KW, I think you are being very un-realistic. Real life isn't like "Bridges of Madison County". The VAST majority of affairs are revealed. I know, I know, some poster will come on and say that they've heard of affairs remaining hidden for years, but don't you believe it. I was the OM in an affair, and after it was over, I was shocked at how many people knew of it, and we tried very hard to keep it a secret. Either one or the other AP will tell (only their closest friends) and that is the way of ruin. You say he is younger than you, do you really believe he will never , in all of his life, tell someone else? His best friend, his next GF, when he is drunk, or just to brag? It WILL come out, and it would be far, far, better if it was from you than any other way. You need to step up to the plate, put on your big girl panties and own what you did. If you are completely honest, now, maybe you will have a chance to repair your marriage, but if he finds out from another source, you will most likely be over. Treat your husband with respect, tell him the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 (edited) Some marriages survive the disclosure of an affair, and some even become more satisfying after the work of recovering from the betrayal. Do you know of marriages which have survived the continued deception? I haven't heard of any. I would think it would be difficult to maintain intimacy with the distance such deception creates. Sounds like a rather sad marriage. If one tells one may not have a marriage at all, but at least the possibility of an authentic, intimate M is there if both people commit to working towards that. Ditto.... It depends on the kind of marriage one wants to have.For me, and many others, telling the truth and letting the chips fall where they may brings much relief and an ability to move forward versus keeping secrets. Secrets are often a burden....especially huge secrets like affairs. I don't see how I could do that and move on as if nothing happened....I'd have to admit the truth and allow for what will happen to happen...as keeping the secret wouldn't work for me and would eat away at me. There are many here whose marriages have survived infidelity...some who even seem happier and more committed, as upon admitting the truth and admitting to wanting to work on it, both people realized something was awry and worked on it. If the OP can have that, why not? I think that it is foolish to act like having an affair is no big deal and one can resume their marriage fine and dandy....there is obviously an issue with you or the marriage that doesn't magically get fixed because you broke up with the AP or the AP breaks up with you. So the problem continues....just as a secret....like the affair. Nothing is being addressed and you haven't made your marriage any stronger. If her marriage ends because of admitting the truth, then maybe that was what should have happened and she can learn from it and move forward with a lesson learned. Edited October 24, 2011 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 My 'ex' worked with me for a few months, and we innocently started as friends. and somehow connected, All the more reason to tell your husband. As devastated as he'll be atleast he'll respect you enough that you confessed the truth. Imagine him finding out through gossip? You say you two worked together, so chances are people suspected or know about your A. You risked your marriage for this OM, it's only fair that you own it (and yes you have owned it) but not to your husband. He knows you well and he IS going to notice your mood changes and sadness. When he asks what's up, are you going to lie or will you "man up" and tell him the truth? Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Do you know of marriages which have survived the continued deception? I haven't heard of any. OMG! Talk to anyone in their 70's or older. It is only recent generations in which all this happy hippie connecting with your feelings and being totally open and honest stuff has come about. In past generations, secrets were kept secret. Opening new wounds in the hopes of ending up with something better was never seen as a good idea. No one knows *everything* about their spouse. Not knowing they had an A, if they have ended it, put it behind them and moved on, is something they gain no benefit from knowing. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 I dont know what to do.ir feel. I never thought this would happen..now I let him go hoping nothing but the best for him..can someone please help me? I am lost and alone..and I have not told my husband because I dont want to hurt him. Unfortunately my heart got invested, and I need to figure out where to go from there. You carry on as normal from an outside view. Keep your pain to yourself and mourn when you are alone. It's really hard to do but can be done. Slowly but surely you will start to feel a tiny bit better each day. And you can look back on this time as a lesson in life. Not telling your husband is a good choice. No need to put him through any pain just for the sake of the truth. Some end up telling just to relieve their feelings of guilt. If you feel that way in the future, suck it up and keep it to yourself. I don't see any good in telling and as SMO said, take your secret to the grave. I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 OMG! Talk to anyone in their 70's or older. It is only recent generations in which all this happy hippie connecting with your feelings and being totally open and honest stuff has come about. In past generations, secrets were kept secret. Opening new wounds in the hopes of ending up with something better was never seen as a good idea. No one knows *everything* about their spouse. Not knowing they had an A, if they have ended it, put it behind them and moved on, is something they gain no benefit from knowing. Call it happy, hippy generation or not, but it is a generation which expects meaningful connections with others. I'm not talking about people who have stayed married out of duty, lowered expectations, whatever. I asked if you knew anyone who had stayed married in a fulfilling an satisfying marriage. The question remains. Read more on LS if you honestly believe people do not gain anything from knowing something so important about their spouse. Affairs bring a host of feelings which may include guilt, self-loathing, pain, addiction, infatuation, love,... Keeping them secret is not like not knowing who your spouse's fourth grade teacher was. As I said, the marriages which do not end with the revelation of an affair, can become even stronger and more satisfying than they were pre-affair as people get to know each other and themselves even better. There are cases on LS. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 (edited) You carry on as normal from an outside view. Keep your pain to yourself and mourn when you are alone. It's really hard to do but can be done. Slowly but surely you will start to feel a tiny bit better each day. And you can look back on this time as a lesson in life. Not telling your husband is a good choice. No need to put him through any pain just for the sake of the truth. Some end up telling just to relieve their feelings of guilt. If you feel that way in the future, suck it up and keep it to yourself. I don't see any good in telling and as SMO said, take your secret to the grave. I wish you well. But there are people on LS who told or were told, know it was the best thing to do whichever side they were on (WS or BS) and have described their stronger M after the work they put in rebuilding a M built on honesty and openness. I haven't seen any WS here posting about not telling and saying how much better and stronger their M became over the years even though their spouse is still kept in the dark. Some describe how they had another affair and I can see if you want to keep the option open of having more secret affairs in the future than you would not want to tell. Some describe how it is the only way they can stay married (i.e. their spouse will dump them if they know the truth) so, yes, it can mean a marriage over no marriage, but, really what kind of marriage does it mean? No one has described anything very positive, intimate and authentic while hiding that part of themselves from their spouse. Or perhaps some people who have had an affair have a low expectation for relationships and their M? Maybe what they get with keeping this secret is all they expect? KW, what kind of M do you want? Do you want it to be the most important R in your life, or is it primarily security and routine that you want? Do you need or want real intimacy with your H? What do you think his needs and desires are? Edited October 24, 2011 by woinlove Link to post Share on other sites
Bugz Bunny Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 I have not told my husband because I dont want to hurt him. You already hurt him,and by not telling him you are selfish and you are only protecting yourself...so please show some respect for your husband and tell him the truth...No one deserves to live in a lie... Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Don't tell your husband, ever. If he didn't ask you while it was going on, he probably won't ask you later, but, if he does, lie. Ignorance is bliss. It is a huge thing for a marriage to survive and affair. You screwed up, then you fixed it (ended it). Get over it and move on. Make sure you destroy all evidence, and take your secret to your grave. Totally disagree..That is the best way to poison a marriage. That's what my xMW did (more or less), her H doesn't know it all and their M is even worse than it was during the A ! What do you expect when one spouse keeps a lie to the other ? The reason is not you don't want to hurt your H, the reason is you are protecting your butt like my xMW did. You are keeping your H hostage of a marriage he believes honest. Give him the option to continue or end the M fully knowing that you have cheated. You can't build trust keeping a lie. Your H is not stupid, he must have noticed your change and he will notice you mourning. Link to post Share on other sites
Yianks Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 You can't build trust keeping a lie. Your H is not stupid, he must have noticed your change and he will notice you mourning. East7, even if the H is stupid and doesnt realize anything the fact remains that he should know in order to decide if he wants to continue the marriage or not. I dont understand how two people can ever come close together if there is a HUGE barrier between them (the A), even if only one knows about it...... Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 You already hurt him,and by not telling him you are selfish and you are only protecting yourself...so please show some respect for your husband and tell him the truth...No one deserves to live in a lie... DITTO. The only reason people don't tell the truth in these situations is to protect their image, trying to avoid the consequences and covering their own behinds. She doesn't trust her husband loves her enough to forgive her so she won't give him the option. "True love" at it's best. Link to post Share on other sites
Yianks Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 DITTO. The only reason people don't tell the truth in these situations is to protect their image, trying to avoid the consequences and covering their own behinds. She doesn't trust her husband loves her enough to forgive her so she won't give him the option. "True love" at it's best. She is also afraid to tell him. Afraid that her H will probably end the M and she will be alone. Then she will be forced to go to her lover. But if her lover is clever enough (and I am sure he is) he should NOT accept her as he was 'chosen' over the H for the wrong reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby_shoes Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 DITTO. The only reason people don't tell the truth in these situations is to protect their image, trying to avoid the consequences and covering their own behinds. She doesn't trust her husband loves her enough to forgive her so she won't give him the option. "True love" at it's best. This is true. I am sorry you are hurting. These things do happen! However these shouldn't be the chains you wear, what you should be focussing on is why it's happened in the first place and you can't figure this out alone. It takes two to make a marriage work and whilst your choices are your own (just like everybody's) there's a reason it happened. If you believe in honesty and integrity in love then work hard. I'm in the 'telling' camp. It will eat you alive if you don't however I know M's that have survived telling and also not telling and this is my opinion only. I know it's really tough, but it's just five minutes, five minutes and it's out, your H will know and maybe you'll talk hours after or need some space but the task of telling those few sentences is five minutes. If you're really worried and need to think go to IC. Please don't do this alone whatever you do. Your brain chemistry enough will lie to you right now. The feelings are real enough but it's like being on drugs, you're coming down from a big high and craving more. You're hurting and you need to go through withdrawal, be kind to yourself, there are many many other people in your shoes too, but use this as an opportunity to make life better for you both. No pain no gain right!? Go see a counsellor if you struggle to figure out what went wrong where either alone or better still together and build a life that makes both you and H happy. If the M is wrong for one of you, it's wrong for both of you. These things are borne of unhappiness, your eyes have been opened, use your new sight and these lessons to fix what's broken in you and in your M if you want to, don't close them again. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby_shoes Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 about our grand parents going through life never knowing about their spouses affairs...piffle! they very often knew, and lived their lives with a sadness about the affair but they couldn't talk about it because back then, people didn't talk about that kind of thing. Maybe if they had, they could have been a lot happier. Also M used to be a business arrangement. M for love is a more recent invention. The problem with this is hearts are free to change, before you buckled up and cracked on and the 'choice' of remaining married was not yours. Unless you were royalty Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 You carry on as normal from an outside view. Keep your pain to yourself and mourn when you are alone. It's really hard to do but can be done. Slowly but surely you will start to feel a tiny bit better each day. And you can look back on this time as a lesson in life. Not telling your husband is a good choice. No need to put him through any pain just for the sake of the truth. Some end up telling just to relieve their feelings of guilt. If you feel that way in the future, suck it up and keep it to yourself. I don't see any good in telling and as SMO said, take your secret to the grave. I wish you well. Yep totally agree here. Link to post Share on other sites
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