Looking for input/perspective

[Dancing Queen]

Are my spidy senses correct...or... is there another possible explanation? EX: just male ego?

 

Scenario.....

 

My BF and I have been together 5 months...we are now living together

We seem to have a good, happy and loving relationship.

 

My BF keeps a picture of his "ex" (he says she isn't an ex....but I know they spent enough time together romantically that he had told her he loved her and wanted to build a future with her) on his phone...more specifically...a picture of her $15,000 breast implants. The pic does not include any more of her/her body.

 

They were seeing each other in 2010. It was a long distance "relationship"

She "broke it off" with him....he didn't want them to break up and was disappointed/hurt. He has said recently that he still chats with her....as apparently, they have known each other 35 years

 

We have had 3 conversations about the fact that I find this disturbing and disrespectful to me and our relationship. He states that there is no "attachment" to her nor does the picture hold any value. He even says he's not a "boob man" (is an "ass-man") and thinks the implants were a complete waste of money. But, he absolutely refuses to delete the pic. He tells me it was in the past. So, why not leave it there. (but the pic kept on his phone keeps it in the present) He told me to stop bringing it up.

 

I have asked him (already knowing the answer) how he would feel if I was keeping pictures of others? He stated if it was a picture of another man's cock..."it would be an issue". Double standard going on here!!!

 

My BF appears to have his own insecurity issues. Needs a fair bit of reassurance in our relationship. Which I am more than happy to provide.

 

I am trying to choose...trust.

I am trying really hard not to over analyze and let my imagination run away

I am trying really hard to not let this bug me.

I am trying to understand

[blueskyday]

Not cool! It may be that he thinks the boobs came out "pretty" and nothing more, but too bad.

 

I would stand in front of him and ask him to erase the picture while I can see him do it. It's extremely disrespectful for him to have that pic, or even want to have it.

 

Tell him your boobs are off limits while that picture is still there.

 

Gosh, is he that clueless that he doesn't get he's being way out of line? Incredible.

[Dancing Queen]

Thanks for the input Blueskyday ..... I agree...Not Cool, at all!

 

I honestly don't think I am being an unjustified jealous GF....I am pretty easy going and accepting...but when provoked.....sometimes, we are forced to do things that are normally out of character....and don't feel good about doing it.....email snooping ....my entire body still shakes with nerves/disappointment. I just didn't take him for being a liar. Not that it makes him a liar about everything....but this certainly plants doubt in his honesty with me.

 

Last night....I could not contain it any longer....the subject was approached again...

 

The immediate reaction...as before...was defensiveness. When I requested that the pic be deleted out of respect for me and our relationship, he begrudgingly said it could be....but might have trouble even finding it. If I can find it....it would be erased. LOL! Well, it took me mere seconds to find the pic (s) in a separate saved file....funny how he didn't seem to know exactly where it was (Yeah, right!), and I really had no idea where it was! (it was helpful we have the same Blackberry )

 

As I had viewed "sent" emails....it was there in black and white him saying he loves/loved her. When I asked last night if he ever loved her...he said no. When I asked if he had ever told her he loved her....he stammered a bit and said yeah, maybe a long time ago...but only as a friend. (BOLD FACED LIE) (the emails were dated Sept. 2010). One email was almost begging her not to end things. And all emails consisted of "I love you".

 

You know....I could respect the truth...and accept the truth. I don't feel like she is a direct threat to our relationship, being she lives so far away. Why not just tell me he once loved her...and possible still has some residual feelings, that will go no where because it is the past and its over?

 

So, the conversation went on for an hour and a half...with the results being that the pics have been deleted. (assuming, that is the only copy anywhere) Now, I am preparing for some "pouting" for a few days or so.

 

God help us get beyond this. I "believe" him to be a very honest person bi and large...so I think if things return to normal for us...I can let this all go and move on.

[RiverRunning]

Are you aware of anything else he's doing? This is a red flag. It wouldn't be as much of an issue if he took your feelings into account and got rid of the picture (WHY would he need to hold onto a picture of her boobs? Honestly.) But the fact is he defended it to the moon, tried to act like he didn't know how to get rid of it, etc. Red flag, red flag, red flag, been there, done that. Keep an eye out for anything else he's holding onto in past relationships.

 

My experiences are this: many men seem incapable of moving on from the past. And they want to have their cake and eat it too. They want all of the perks of being free and being able to do whatever they want, but they want someone to be there at night to sleep with too.

 

I had a partner who was doing something similar (but even worse!) once tell me I was "irrationally jealous" and it was off the table of discussion, etc. He would get furious with me and blame me for his behavior. The best - epitomizing my last paragraph - was when he would insist that he could "do whatever he wanted." Um, not if you want to be in a relationship, pal.

 

I'm sorry, but a relationship involves two people. That means you sometimes have to COMPROMISE. Sure, there are the BIG compromises - like uprooting your life to move in with that person across the country, undergoing surgery so you won't have kids, etc. Then there are small compromises - like deleting a simple picture. If he can't do that, then to me it signifies a disrespect for the relationship and an inability to let go of the old girlfriend. And as far as I'm concerned, that's all it COULD mean. Why else is he holding onto this picture? Ask yourself that.

 

Do not let him walk all over you like this.

 

For me, my situation finally culminated when he lied to me YET AGAIN about tons of pictures he claimed he had gotten rid of. It also helped that there was another guy interested in me at the time, and he was jealous. But I remember I showed up with everything he had ever given me/lent to me, and I put all the garbage bags on the center of the floor.

 

I told him then and there: "I have told you and told you how much you are hurting me and I'm not going to do that anymore. You're not a single man, so you don't have free license to do whatever you want to whoever you want whenever you feel like. You have some responsibility now. There are things I would do if I were single that I would never do in a relationship because I have respect for you. Here are your things."

 

When I finally stood up for myself and he saw that he was going to lose me, he straightened up quick. It's been over a year and there's been no incident of that behavior since. We didn't talk for a few days after I dropped his things off, and then he started calling me. I laid out my ground rules and that was the end of that.

 

I do not get this idea of letting your partner do whatever he wants pertaining to his ex while you have to silently suffer through. He is in a relationship. That doesn't mean he needs to be a brow-beaten boyfriend who obeys his girlfriend's every whim and desire. If you were hurt, say, that he called his mother once a week, he would be right to tell you where to go. But he's bringing his past into the present and it's damaging your self-esteem because understandably you don't know if he's still into her or what. That's not fair to you.

 

NO ONE should feel like they are a replacement for the ex, or a placeholder until the ex changes her mind and returns. How often is he talking to her? Did you know about this at the start of the relationship? I'm going to guess not. That's something he should've brought up with you at the start...it's a big issue for many people.

 

Honestly, I think the best bet is to leave if he's talking to her regularly. It's readily apparent in that case that he's so enmeshed you're always going to be second best to her. It sounds like he may have moved on too quickly.

 

So bag up his things and leave them on his living room floor. If he's ready and willing to change, he'll call. If not, you've spared yourself some misery.

[HappyFlower]

I told him then and there: "I have told you and told you how much you are hurting me and I'm not going to do that anymore. You're not a single man, so you don't have free license to do whatever you want to whoever you want whenever you feel like. You have some responsibility now. There are things I would do if I were single that I would never do in a relationship because I have respect for you. Here are your things."

 

I do not get this idea of letting your partner do whatever he wants pertaining to his ex while you have to silently suffer through. He is in a relationship. That doesn't mean he needs to be a brow-beaten boyfriend who obeys his girlfriend's every whim and desire. If you were hurt, say, that he called his mother once a week, he would be right to tell you where to go. But he's bringing his past into the present and it's damaging your self-esteem because understandably you don't know if he's still into her or what. That's not fair to you.

 

OP, listen to this!

I had this very problem with my recent ex - he'd told me he stayed friends with his ex's, fair enough. What he never told me until 9 months later, was that his best friend, who asked for him to go out with her specifically "without your gf" on several occasions, was also an ex. Disrespectful. You know what he told me? That I had 'a personal vendetta against her', that I had no business knowing when he was hanging out with her alone. (Sorry to the self-tangent, this really really applies to my situation too, thanks River!)

 

Do not let yourself fall into this trap, its horrible and you deserve someone who respects their relationship with you as much as you do. Whats the point of a relationship without respect?

[crazyinlove333]

Great thread! I'm going through this same thing with one exception... his pics are not of an X, they are are of some random HOT FEMALE. Does this make a difference in anyones responses? Cuz i'm very hurt and have threatened breaking up. He also looks at porn quite a bit and has picutures of hot girls asses as profile pics on forums he is on. I find it totally disrespectful, he says no one knows who he is on those forums so its not disrespectful. I say bull.

[confused kitty]

Ive also been in the same situation, while I dont mind pictures of random hot naked girls or him watching porn (as i know this is just a fantasy) I do however draw the line with ex gfs as there is a past there, theres history and feelings there and I accept that, but thats where they showed stay -in the past!

 

My ex bf had an old gf who he added on his email account when we were together, and at first I didnt know who she was so I questioned him about her, and he told me it was a long distance relationship they were together afew months but never actually met so I sat him down and found some old emails they sent eachother saying how much they loved each other, he said he endid it because he knew they would never meet up and he wanted more from a relationship and they were only "friends" now..

 

But my argument was he still said he loved her at one point.. and that the only reason he endid it was because of the distance and if he could love her just through emails and speaking on the phone then by staying friends with her online it was exactly the same as when they were in a realtionship together...

 

I said she had to go!! And she did

[crazyinlove333]

 

I said she had to go!! And she did

 

 

I have a problem asking my BF to get rid of the pics I find offensive. I feel like why should I have to ask, I told him it bothers me and I think he should get rid of them for that reason. If he doesn't get rid of them, I feel like if I tell him to do it, he's only doing it cuz of me, not because he wants to. And the last thing I want is a relationship where one of us is doing stuff we don't want to do, it'll create resentment. Am I overreacting? Do I really have the right to say, please delete these pics?

[Dancing Queen]

Again...not proud of it...but I was forced to continue "My Investigation"...

 

1. most emails included him professing his love for her..."I love you to infinity xoxoxox", "I do love you, ****", "miss your kisses"..... etc...

 

after she ended things with him via email/phone (Sept/Oct 2010 ), "he told her how sad it made him" and "don't you love me like you once told me you did?" "I just need one more touch"

 

2. LOL... there was this way that they referred to each other "The (name)" and "The (name)" he stated he only shares that endearment with her...no one else.....LOL I was re-reading today some saved chat messages I have of our own conversations and he referred to himself as "The (name)" I haven't heard it often....but it has been used..... I doubt very much, that when he does call himself that, that he doesn't think of her!

But that's fine...lol I have caught myself doing that.....lil sayings that were carried over from another relationship. It was more habit I suppose. However, if he is not over her, its just a way of keeping her in his mind/the present. She is not as much "in the past" as he has stated many times

 

3. phone records have revealed that he was still having frequent conversations with her as of April 27th of this year. We met and started dating on May 4th!!! Hardly time to be over her. Although, she did send the "it's not working"/ending it email in the fall of 2010.

 

4. He stated that he still chats with her. However, My Investigation did not find any phone records/FB chats. My next check will be on the BB...chat history. Not even sure there is even much point

 

5. In one of his emails, he was telling her how bad he felt making dinner plans with another recent (at the time) ex of his (I'll call her "Miss C"...) when he wanted to be home chatting to "Miss Boobs" (lol...ok now this is making me laugh!!!) Miss Boobs said that Miss C does love him and maybe he should consider it as Miss Boobs lives so far away. So, there is a Deceitful behavior history.

 

Admitted previous deceitful behavior: when he found out his ex wife of 10 years had cheated on him, he found the condom by the bed on the night stand. He said he didn't say anything...he just put it in the garbage. So he decided to go out and find some for himself. Well, he found another married woman. In fact, he use to go to her house and pick her up while the husband was home....he knew about them or something like that??? When his ex wife asked him where he was spending his time, he flat out told her. She packed her bags, the kids and left him. Slight double standard BS going on there...obvious problems on many levels in the relationship

 

6. Last Sat., I "witnessed" a msg on his phone from a dating site "Lady wants to meet you" from a dating site.... he deleted that msg as soon as he checked the phone...without opening it. Well, it may be gone from the phone, but it still shows up in the email/deleted file....when I checked...it was still unopened...when I checked the next day...it had been opened. It obviously wasn't ignored/deleted/forgotten about.

 

7. Going one step further, I did a basic profile creation on this "dating site" in order to be able to search for him. Yup...there he was. I had to send a friend request order to view his profile. Well, well, well...you can just imagine the squirming he must have been doing when he opens his msg and finds a friend request from me! lol It took him mere minutes to send me a text and ask if I had sent a request. His explaination for being on this site which is mostly a dating site...he like other countries and he likes pics of Peru. Hmmmmm...I'm pretty sure Google would have lots of pics of Peru.

 

8. I'm now not even sure why I am still sitting here....... <shakes head>

[Dancing Queen]

Progress! Honesty...at last!!! But, not without some excavating/probing/and just plain being smarter than the average liar!

 

Our communications throughout the day yesterday, via text and a quick lil visit during the lunch hour...the day was taking on a bit of a "trying to return to normal" tone. (I so wanted us to be back on track...but was really caught in a difficult place. I love and adore my BF.....but won't tolerate being lied to.) The plan for the evening was going to include some lovins'.

 

By time we were both finished our day and were at home alone together....the tone had changed. Probably more due to me being so disappointed. I just don't hide my feelings well. I may not open my mouth and verbalize right away (need time to process on my own before spewing) but it is written all over my face and body language. We were repelling each other. We attempted to be close on the couch but there was just too much tension.

 

I gave the invitation for us to go to bed early....it was declined... and avoided. I waited. He curled up on the couch under a blanket. Obviously, not intending to accompany me. I decided to carry on without him. I attempted a kiss good night....he "jokingly" ???, turned away.....well at this point....my attitude was changing quickly. I turned and walked away. He said "wow, you're in a mood!"

 

A few moments later...he came to bed...."what's got you in such a mood?"

OK....that's all it took....the door was opened and I let it all out....ALL of it!

 

In a very calm voice....my initial response was.... "(name)...I thought you were one of the good guys...I didn't take you for being such a bold faced liar" (this caught him off guard and unnerved him....he was caught...and he knew it)

 

In no uncertain terms, I declared how I hated being lied to, it is unacceptable and I won't tolerate it. I stated how completely disrespected I feel about the untruths I had been told and the zero percent consideration he had given towards my feelings on the picture matter. I know the truth. I know that there was more than "just friendship" between them...and he admitted to it. Still denied having a sexual relationship...but I had not actual confirmed evidence of it either...no email reference.

 

The dating site that he still belongs to, he still claims that it is not a dating site. I BEG TO DIFFER! It's obviously a dating site....don't mistake me for a fool. He stated that he has no problem with me being on this sight...lol...I bet not! He didn't really have a leg to stand on to make any complaints or demands. There hasn't been any visible evidence that there is any communication with anyone checking him out via sites. The address that is listed on his profile is an old one from approx. 4 years ago....perhaps it isn't being used any longer...just not deleted either.

 

For now....I am choosing....to trust. I hope and pray that I made the right choice. If I continue to mistrust, then it might as well be over now. But, for now, the benefit of the doubt is being granted. (no more snooping on my part....his own actions will give it away) And, he damned well better not be a dumb-ass and **** it up!

[confused kitty]

I have a problem asking my BF to get rid of the pics I find offensive. I feel like why should I have to ask, I told him it bothers me and I think he should get rid of them for that reason. If he doesn't get rid of them, I feel like if I tell him to do it, he's only doing it cuz of me, not because he wants to. And the last thing I want is a relationship where one of us is doing stuff we don't want to do, it'll create resentment. Am I overreacting? Do I really have the right to say, please delete these pics?

 

Yes you have every right to ask him to get rid of them! Hes in a relationship with you now and out of respect for you, they should go, simple as!

[confused kitty]

Progress! Honesty...at last!!! But, not without some excavating/probing/and just plain being smarter than the average liar!

 

Our communications throughout the day yesterday, via text and a quick lil visit during the lunch hour...the day was taking on a bit of a "trying to return to normal" tone. (I so wanted us to be back on track...but was really caught in a difficult place. I love and adore my BF.....but won't tolerate being lied to.) The plan for the evening was going to include some lovins'.

 

By time we were both finished our day and were at home alone together....the tone had changed. Probably more due to me being so disappointed. I just don't hide my feelings well. I may not open my mouth and verbalize right away (need time to process on my own before spewing) but it is written all over my face and body language. We were repelling each other. We attempted to be close on the couch but there was just too much tension.

 

I gave the invitation for us to go to bed early....it was declined... and avoided. I waited. He curled up on the couch under a blanket. Obviously, not intending to accompany me. I decided to carry on without him. I attempted a kiss good night....he "jokingly" ???, turned away.....well at this point....my attitude was changing quickly. I turned and walked away. He said "wow, you're in a mood!"

 

A few moments later...he came to bed...."what's got you in such a mood?"

OK....that's all it took....the door was opened and I let it all out....ALL of it!

 

In a very calm voice....my initial response was.... "(name)...I thought you were one of the good guys...I didn't take you for being such a bold faced liar" (this caught him off guard and unnerved him....he was caught...and he knew it)

 

In no uncertain terms, I declared how I hated being lied to, it is unacceptable and I won't tolerate it. I stated how completely disrespected I feel about the untruths I had been told and the zero percent consideration he had given towards my feelings on the picture matter. I know the truth. I know that there was more than "just friendship" between them...and he admitted to it. Still denied having a sexual relationship...but I had not actual confirmed evidence of it either...no email reference.

 

The dating site that he still belongs to, he still claims that it is not a dating site. I BEG TO DIFFER! It's obviously a dating site....don't mistake me for a fool. He stated that he has no problem with me being on this sight...lol...I bet not! He didn't really have a leg to stand on to make any complaints or demands. There hasn't been any visible evidence that there is any communication with anyone checking him out via sites. The address that is listed on his profile is an old one from approx. 4 years ago....perhaps it isn't being used any longer...just not deleted either.

 

For now....I am choosing....to trust. I hope and pray that I made the right choice. If I continue to mistrust, then it might as well be over now. But, for now, the benefit of the doubt is being granted. (no more snooping on my part....his own actions will give it away) And, he damned well better not be a dumb-ass and **** it up!

 

Good for you, Im glad you stood up to him and expressed how much it was hurting you and disrespecting your relationship. Umm one question, why has he still not deleted that dating site???