I am in a long distance relationship with my husband. How do I end it nicely?

[Marion]

(Sorry, this is a bit long)

 

I have been married for four and a half years. Know my husband for over ten. Met him when I was 19 in the South of France working as an au pair. He was my first man. I fell head over heels in love with him at the time. At first he told me a false story about himself that he was a well-known writer from Sweden living in Paris. I was so inexperience and naive at the time that I believed him...

 

Went back to the US college, but never finished because I wanted to be with him.

 

Returned to Europe without finishing degree to be with him. Learned he was really from the Ukraine and had been studying French literature at the Catholic university and he had been living with another woman the whole time...

 

The first year and a half (1991-92) was a HUGE struggle for me because he left me when I showed him I was "too immature" to handle a guy like him. I lived on my own in Paris in a room with no hot water or toilette. Went to university there. Was the hardest time of my life.

 

The next year he got a job at a government post in Kiev, left his other girfriend then contacted me asking me to come visit him in the Ukraine. Like a stupid fool, I jumped on the next train and went to him...

 

Was fascinated my his country. Learned the language and ended up living with him over there BUT later the standard of living really began to bother me, I couldn't speak the language as well as I liked and I began to feel lonely and isolated.

 

so I went back to the States again for half a year. Went back to college, dated some other guys, but HE still was in the back of my mind even though the "flame" had burned itself out long before. I had a hard time getting along with my mother. Really hard. HE was calling me to come back to Kiev and marry him.

 

So in 1995 I went back, really to escape my mother, and married him because I thought it would bring me freedom and become more independant. Well, NO!! That never happened.

 

A year later he got transfered to work at the Ukranian Embassy in Geneva, so we moved to Switzerland. I found myself at 25, unprepared to me the wife of a diplomate...recieving cigar-smoking men who never spoke to me, I felt even lonlier than ever.. Eventually I started having an affiar with a tennis player because it was like an escape from the austair world I lived in.

 

I don't know how I hung on in Geneva for four years, but I did. When his position came to an end last April, he was all prepared to move back to Kiev with me, but I said, "NO!

 

I'm never go back to live in your country! Either I stay here in Switerland or I go back to the US and you apply for immigration."

 

He decided to apply for immigration, but go back to Kiev to work while waiting for the papers....and now he's been waiting for the papers for over half a year, and for the first time in five years I have been living on my own and loving it! Out of his clutches! Free to do what I want.

 

He calls me up in the US every now and then and he is really sad. Says he misses me, sometimes he accuses me of being apart too long, and I never know what to tell him.

 

How can I tell him I don't want to be with him anymore?

 

After all those years, living in different places with him, how can I break it off? I have a Ukranian passport, so I feel he should also be entitled to a US one, but how can I explain it to him so he won't be hurt or angry? Deep down I am afraid of his temper. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of being too far on the "path of no return" to cut off all ties with him once and for all. In some ways I still feel very attached to his country even though I couldn't live there forever, and if I divorce him, it's like I'll loose part of my identity.

[Jenna]

My goodness- what an exciting life you have lead so far! You will never lose those memories- no matter what your status is with your husband.

 

This story sounds like it should be a mini-series on TV- with all that drama and romance. But even love stories have a bitter end sometimes.

 

It sounds like your relationship started out on the wrong foot from the beginning- with his lies about where he was from, his occupation and the fact that he was living with another woman. This is not the kind of foundation that happy and healthy marriages are built on. No wonder you have had such a rough time with this man- I can understand why you would feel a sense of freedom now that you are without him.

 

I hate to tell you this- but there are no magic "break-up" words that will spare him pain. When a marriage ends- it is hard- even in cases where there was physical and emotional abuse. I think you will just have to take a deep breath and tell him- there really isn't any other way.

 

If you have found that being without him brings you peace and contentment- you will find a way to make the separation final.

 

Good Luck- and let us know how it turns out.

 

Jenna

(Sorry, this is a bit long) I have been married for four and a half years. Know my husband for over ten. Met him when I was 19 in the South of France working as an au pair. He was my first man. I fell head over heels in love with him at the time. At first he told me a false story about himself that he was a well-known writer from Sweden living in Paris. I was so inexperience and naive at the time that I believed him... Went back to the US college, but never finished because I wanted to be with him. Returned to Europe without finishing degree to be with him. Learned he was really from the Ukraine and had been studying French literature at the Catholic university and he had been living with another woman the whole time... The first year and a half (1991-92) was a HUGE struggle for me because he left me when I showed him I was "too immature" to handle a guy like him. I lived on my own in Paris in a room with no hot water or toilette. Went to university there. Was the hardest time of my life.

 

The next year he got a job at a government post in Kiev, left his other girfriend then contacted me asking me to come visit him in the Ukraine. Like a stupid fool, I jumped on the next train and went to him... Was fascinated my his country. Learned the language and ended up living with him over there BUT later the standard of living really began to bother me, I couldn't speak the language as well as I liked and I began to feel lonely and isolated. so I went back to the States again for half a year. Went back to college, dated some other guys, but HE still was in the back of my mind even though the "flame" had burned itself out long before. I had a hard time getting along with my mother. Really hard. HE was calling me to come back to Kiev and marry him. So in 1995 I went back, really to escape my mother, and married him because I thought it would bring me freedom and become more independant. Well, NO!! That never happened. A year later he got transfered to work at the Ukranian Embassy in Geneva, so we moved to Switzerland. I found myself at 25, unprepared to me the wife of a diplomate...recieving cigar-smoking men who never spoke to me, I felt even lonlier than ever.. Eventually I started having an affiar with a tennis player because it was like an escape from the austair world I lived in. I don't know how I hung on in Geneva for four years, but I did. When his position came to an end last April, he was all prepared to move back to Kiev with me, but I said, "NO! I'm never go back to live in your country! Either I stay here in Switerland or I go back to the US and you apply for immigration."

 

He decided to apply for immigration, but go back to Kiev to work while waiting for the papers....and now he's been waiting for the papers for over half a year, and for the first time in five years I have been living on my own and loving it! Out of his clutches! Free to do what I want.

 

He calls me up in the US every now and then and he is really sad. Says he misses me, sometimes he accuses me of being apart too long, and I never know what to tell him. How can I tell him I don't want to be with him anymore? After all those years, living in different places with him, how can I break it off? I have a Ukranian passport, so I feel he should also be entitled to a US one, but how can I explain it to him so he won't be hurt or angry? Deep down I am afraid of his temper. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of being too far on the "path of no return" to cut off all ties with him once and for all. In some ways I still feel very attached to his country even though I couldn't live there forever, and if I divorce him, it's like I'll loose part of my identity.

[Deejette]

The fact that he lied to you at the beginning is not a good thing. You fell in love with a false guy, not the real him. You were young and innocent and he took advantage of this. We all fall very hard for our first love and that memory will always be a part of you, whether he is there or not, so you won't be losing part of yourself if you break up with him.

 

He really hasn't shown any care about your needs through all those years and you have been too quick to drop everything to be with him. Let him prove to you that he is willing to be a good husband, not a controlling and domineering one.

 

You have lead a exciting life, but you have sacrificed a lot for him. Are you willing to sacrifice your future happiness for him as well?

(Sorry, this is a bit long) I have been married for four and a half years. Know my husband for over ten. Met him when I was 19 in the South of France working as an au pair. He was my first man. I fell head over heels in love with him at the time. At first he told me a false story about himself that he was a well-known writer from Sweden living in Paris. I was so inexperience and naive at the time that I believed him... Went back to the US college, but never finished because I wanted to be with him. Returned to Europe without finishing degree to be with him. Learned he was really from the Ukraine and had been studying French literature at the Catholic university and he had been living with another woman the whole time... The first year and a half (1991-92) was a HUGE struggle for me because he left me when I showed him I was "too immature" to handle a guy like him. I lived on my own in Paris in a room with no hot water or toilette. Went to university there. Was the hardest time of my life.

 

The next year he got a job at a government post in Kiev, left his other girfriend then contacted me asking me to come visit him in the Ukraine. Like a stupid fool, I jumped on the next train and went to him... Was fascinated my his country. Learned the language and ended up living with him over there BUT later the standard of living really began to bother me, I couldn't speak the language as well as I liked and I began to feel lonely and isolated. so I went back to the States again for half a year. Went back to college, dated some other guys, but HE still was in the back of my mind even though the "flame" had burned itself out long before. I had a hard time getting along with my mother. Really hard. HE was calling me to come back to Kiev and marry him. So in 1995 I went back, really to escape my mother, and married him because I thought it would bring me freedom and become more independant. Well, NO!! That never happened. A year later he got transfered to work at the Ukranian Embassy in Geneva, so we moved to Switzerland. I found myself at 25, unprepared to me the wife of a diplomate...recieving cigar-smoking men who never spoke to me, I felt even lonlier than ever.. Eventually I started having an affiar with a tennis player because it was like an escape from the austair world I lived in. I don't know how I hung on in Geneva for four years, but I did. When his position came to an end last April, he was all prepared to move back to Kiev with me, but I said, "NO! I'm never go back to live in your country! Either I stay here in Switerland or I go back to the US and you apply for immigration."

 

He decided to apply for immigration, but go back to Kiev to work while waiting for the papers....and now he's been waiting for the papers for over half a year, and for the first time in five years I have been living on my own and loving it! Out of his clutches! Free to do what I want.

 

He calls me up in the US every now and then and he is really sad. Says he misses me, sometimes he accuses me of being apart too long, and I never know what to tell him. How can I tell him I don't want to be with him anymore? After all those years, living in different places with him, how can I break it off? I have a Ukranian passport, so I feel he should also be entitled to a US one, but how can I explain it to him so he won't be hurt or angry? Deep down I am afraid of his temper. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of being too far on the "path of no return" to cut off all ties with him once and for all. In some ways I still feel very attached to his country even though I couldn't live there forever, and if I divorce him, it's like I'll loose part of my identity.

[Tony T]

You ask: "How can I tell him I don't want to be with him anymore? After all those years, living in different places with him, how can I break it off?

 

I think after all you have gone through in this deal, you should have enough respect for yourself to do it in your own native language of English.