How do I get women to approach me (guy)?

[carhill]

I did/do find women to be more curious and approach when in countries where spoken English is a rarity. Talk about turning heads.

[ffw]

I did/do find women to be more curious and approach when in countries where spoken English is a rarity. Talk about turning heads.

 

Thats so true. In all my relationships, girls approached me. But even before we started relationship, we had really good communication. I am not the best looking guy, nor I wear branded clothes or have a car. They always said I touched their hearts by simple acts. Mind you, I was a foreigner in these countries.

 

The last girl I dated, she used to tell me she had a big crush on one of her friends. I was getting hints but still I was not sure. So, one day we were talking about her crush. I was guessing all the guys in our friend circles. At the end, before leaving she told me "when you see in the mirror, you will see him". One of the best romantic lines I heard.

[Cypress25]

So if the man does the pursuing you think it's fair that the woman maintains the entire relationship from then on? Right? Or do you expect the man to pursue AND maintain the relationship?

 

Actually I think it would be more fair if the man and woman worked equally hard to maintain the relationship. But it seems like you can't stop men from getting lazy.

 

Please also elaborate on what work women do in relationships, is it to put on make up and be receptive to the mans advances?

 

No, women do that from the start. I mean, once a relationship has been established, men generally stop initiating contact, stop going out with their girlfriend, stop acknowledging birthdays and special occasions, stop doing all the sweet, thoughtful things they did in the beginning. It's always the woman who initiates contact, tries to get her boyfriend to go out and do fun things with her instead of just lying around the house watching TV, celebrates his birthday, continues doing sweet, thoughtful things for him, etc. Basically, the woman keeps treating him like he's special, whereas the man is like "eh, I've already got her, I don't need to try anymore." And if they get married, it's all over. Once a woman becomes a wife, she turns into the guy's maid. Even if they both work full time, it's still the woman who ends up doing the laundry, the dishes, the housework, etc.

 

Take a look at any long-term relationship. You think all the woman does is put on makeup? If that's all she did, the relationship would crumble, because if they've been together for more than 6 months, chances are the man isn't doing jack sh*t to maintain the relationship. It's all her.

 

Women are unfeminine in mostly everything nowadays except relationships and dating. Where they conviniently pull the "feminine" card.

 

So you wouldn't mind if women stopped shaving their legs and wearing makeup? You wouldn't mind if they cut their hair short and dressed in baggy jeans and T-shirts all the time? You wouldn't mind if women became totally masculine and lost all their sex appeal? Feminine is what men are attracted to, so if you want women to stop "pulling the feminine card," then you're gonna have to get used to jerking off to Sports Illustrated magazines because real women will no longer be sexy.

 

Like it or not, men are going to have to do some of the work if they want to have any success in dating or relationships. Men might get a pass to be lazy after they've impressed the girl in the beginning, but if they're lazy from the start, they'll never get what they want. Women already do most of the work in long-term relationships; you can't expect us to do all the work.

[futuregopher]

Actually I think it would be more fair if the man and woman worked equally hard to maintain the relationship. But it seems like you can't stop men from getting lazy.

 

 

 

No, women do that from the start. I mean, once a relationship has been established, men generally stop initiating contact, stop going out with their girlfriend, stop acknowledging birthdays and special occasions, stop doing all the sweet, thoughtful things they did in the beginning. It's always the woman who initiates contact, tries to get her boyfriend to go out and do fun things with her instead of just lying around the house watching TV, celebrates his birthday, continues doing sweet, thoughtful things for him, etc. Basically, the woman keeps treating him like he's special, whereas the man is like "eh, I've already got her, I don't need to try anymore." And if they get married, it's all over. Once a woman becomes a wife, she turns into the guy's maid. Even if they both work full time, it's still the woman who ends up doing the laundry, the dishes, the housework, etc.

 

Take a look at any long-term relationship. You think all the woman does is put on makeup? If that's all she did, the relationship would crumble, because if they've been together for more than 6 months, chances are the man isn't doing jack sh*t to maintain the relationship. It's all her.

 

 

 

So you wouldn't mind if women stopped shaving their legs and wearing makeup? You wouldn't mind if they cut their hair short and dressed in baggy jeans and T-shirts all the time? You wouldn't mind if women became totally masculine and lost all their sex appeal? Feminine is what men are attracted to, so if you want women to stop "pulling the feminine card," then you're gonna have to get used to jerking off to Sports Illustrated magazines because real women will no longer be sexy.

 

Like it or not, men are going to have to do some of the work if they want to have any success in dating or relationships. Men might get a pass to be lazy after they've impressed the girl in the beginning, but if they're lazy from the start, they'll never get what they want. Women already do most of the work in long-term relationships; you can't expect us to do all the work.

 

You make a lot of sense in this post. It's true that sometimes men become complacent and stop "trying". I know that with my now ex-gf of two years, I stopped being that confident person she was attracted to in the first place. I ended up spending a lot of my free time with her simply hanging out and stopped going to the gym. Before I started dating her, I went 5-6 times a week. My physique didn't change but I could tell my body was becoming weaker. It was fun to spend more time with her but I think I just lost myself and that's why I think she broke up with me. I didn't do enough to make myself attractive enough. I did do some things right though in my defense . There were plenty of gifts, dinners, light blue boxes on my end. She was going through rough times financially with her parents' divorce so I tried my best to support the both of us. The ONLY significant thing I missed was this past Valentine's Day (which I hate tbh ). I was a junior in college last academic year and interviewing for internship positions. The company I was interviewing for invited me to a pre-interview dinner so I obviously had to take care of myself and not go to valentine's day dinner with her. It bugged her for a few weeks! I tried to make it up to her but she was still pretty upset but eventually got over it. Was I wrong? I am not a selfish person but I was going to put my career over Valentine's Day dinner... Whatever, what is in the past is in the past. We have been broken up for almost three months now. There was no wrong-doing on either end and she just felt like she needed to focus on her career more (ironic huh? lol).

 

 

I guess I may have started this thread opening with the wrong question. It's nice to have women open you but I guess the big picture I am going for here is being attractive in the view of women. I am working on improving myself again. I have gone to the gym the past 2 months 5-6 times a week. I admit I did dress like a bum sometimes which caused lost attraction so I'm trying to make myself more physically attractive. Sorry if I offended anyone with my dumb clothing questions. It's just that my roommate friend thinks he is Ryan Gosling from "Crazy Stupid Love" and I'm Cal(Steve Carrell) so he's helping me update my wardrobe which was in dire need of an upgrade.

 

It's just confusing sometimes because nice guys finish last and I am a bit of a nice guy. It's like I'm trying to be less like "real" me and becoming more of what women are attracted to instead and one of my friends keeps telling me women are attracted to money, status, power more than my personality. So I guess I am a bit conflicted and confused right now haha.

[Mystique2011]

Women generally don't approach, even if you're good looking.

 

However, being good looking helps.

 

 

Not to mention that all of these "He's just not that into you" books is further encouraging the woman not to approach the man.

 

I don't think a woman who asks a man out is desperate, nor do I see anything wrong it. I do agree that there's some truth about things working out better if the man initially does the pursuing.

Edited October 25, 2011 by Mystique2011

[Grinder88]

Here is what I do

Clothes: well fitting, I like a darker worn looking jean with black belt sometimes a button up, sometimes a polo, most of the time a tighter fitting novelty tee. Don't wear baggy clothes and if you are not in shape don't wear tighter shirts, It seems to me button ups or a sweater work best for bigger guys (just observation) And definitely smell good, deodorant, and just enough cologne so you smell nice. Don't take a bath in the stuff

 

Attitude: I usually walk around like I own the place (comfortable there not cocky), make friends with a bartender! SMILE!!! nobody wants to approach someone who is mean looking. I will usually be laughing and joking with friends even if nothing is really funny, make it look like a good time. While doing this you should be scanning the area for a girl if you make eye contact shoot a smile.

 

If she doesn't approach just wave her on over, or go talk to her lol.. I mean if you want to meet a girl your gonna have to get out there. I guess what i'm trying to say is don't rely on her to make you happy all the time, sometimes you gotta go out and get what you want.

 

And a few rules I abide by when at the club.

DO NOT just stand at the side of the dance floor watching, its creepy go have fun get up front and do your thing even if you are alone, or spark a conversation with friends or strangers (most wont bite you/ unless you ask

 

Don't buy more than two drinks for someone....girls will be there just to use guys for drinks

 

Don't follow a girl unless invited

 

That's about it, not saying this is all fact but its pretty solid advice. As you can probably tell I spend a lot of time in clubs and bars and have had tons of conversations with both men and female on etiquette for these types of things

[musemaj11]

Women will approach you if you are incredibly hot.

 

Just like men, women also respond to visual stimulation that cloud their judgments. Its just that since women have lower testosterone, therefore women require much higher stimulation which translates to a woman needs a guy to be exceptionally good looking before she will lose control and do all she can to get him.

[Cypress25]

The company I was interviewing for invited me to a pre-interview dinner so I obviously had to take care of myself and not go to valentine's day dinner with her. It bugged her for a few weeks! I tried to make it up to her but she was still pretty upset but eventually got over it. Was I wrong?

 

No, you were not wrong. Of course you had to go to that pre-interview dinner. It sounds like your ex was rather high-maintenance. It shouldn't be a big deal to simply reschedule Valentines Day dinner with your girl. When I say "lazy," I'm talking about the guy who won't go out with his girlfriend because he just doesn't feel like getting dressed. You're not that guy; you had a legitimate excuse.

 

It's just confusing sometimes because nice guys finish last and I am a bit of a nice guy.

 

Nice guys don't finish last. Timid guys finish last. There's a difference. Nice guys are awesome. What women don't like is guys who are painfully shy, insecure, or boring. Nice has nothing to do with it.

 

It's like I'm trying to be less like "real" me and becoming more of what women are attracted to instead and one of my friends keeps telling me women are attracted to money, status, power more than my personality. So I guess I am a bit conflicted and confused right now haha.

 

Here's some solid advice: Stop listening to your dumbass friends. In the real world, all the money, status, and power belong to 2% of the population. And yet, the other 98% still manage to date and have relationships. Disguising your true personality is damn near impossible, so if you're trying to hide the real you, you're going to fail. You can spot a phony from a mile away, and phonies are more insecure than anyone. It doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with your personality. You just need a little more confidence.

 

The man should do 100% of the work in the beggining(pursuing, courting) and then 50% of the work as the relationship gets going.

 

And the woman does 0% of the work in the beggining and 50% of the work as the relationship gets going.

 

No, you're wrong again. Don't worry, I'll help you. No one ever said the man should do 100% of the work and the woman should do 0% of the work in the beginning. Just because a man approaches a woman and asks her out for the first few dates doesn't mean he's doing 100% of the work. If the woman wasn't doing anything in that beginning stage, the man would notice and he would have no desire to ask her out again. So if you're inclined to ask a woman out for a second date, it means she's doing her share of the work and you didn't even notice.

 

No, likewise you can't expect men to do all or even the majority of the work.

 

LOL, no one expects that. That would be unrealistic. But I think it's fair to expect the man to do something. If he's not even willing to approach a woman he likes, then what the hell is he willing to do?

 

If the man puts in all the effort in the beggining then it's only fair that the woman puts in the most of the work as the relationship gets going.

 

First of all, learn how to spell beginning. Second of all, even if the man puts in all the effort for the first 3 weeks of the relationship, that doesn't mean it's fair for the woman to do all the work for the next 10 years (or however long their relationship lasts). Do the math.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Oh, lookie!

 

A guy started a thread asking for ideas on how to get women to approach him, and now it's a gender wars fest with bitter fellas posting about all the horrible things women do and don't do!

 

How refreshing!

[Cypress25]

That vague, hinting, giving signals stuff doesn't really count as work. And if it does it certenley isn't as much "work" as actually taking the initatives, risking rejection, asking out and planning dates, giving calls and so on.

 

I'm talking about beyond the first 30 seconds of contact. Women put quite a bit of effort into making sure dates are enjoyable for the man too.

 

What are women willing to do then?

 

All the stuff I mentioned in my previous posts. Go back and re-read.

 

What is it that you do in the relationship that makes you put in more effort than him?

 

All the stuff I mentioned in my previous posts. Go back and re-read.

 

The guy is still the one initiating contact, initiating kisses hugs and affection and in general doing the romantic work

 

Yeah...for about 3 weeks. After that, it's only the woman doing those things because the man has gone into lazy boyfriend mode.

 

And if he doesn't do all these things it usually ends up with the woman witholding sex and shutting down completley. Women often do that even if the man does all those things. I've seen tons of threads about men who try to do everything to get their girlfriend/wife in the mood but nothing happens.

 

The woman is not withholding sex. She's just not in the mood for sex. There's a difference. And are you sweet and thoughtful only when you're trying to get your girl in the mood for sex? If you ignore her the rest of the time, that's kind of obnoxious.

 

I'm sorry but that women supposedly put in most of the work in the actual relationships has no base of reality in it. Women for the most part are passive while men take action. How can you put in more work than him when you are passive?

 

Women are not passive about dating or relationships. See my previous posts in this thread for examples of the work that women put into relationships. Maybe women are more passive for the first 30 seconds of contact, because that gives the man an opportunity to walk over and introduce himself. Once that happens, a woman is fully engaged, if she's interested. So you're b*tching about the fact that you might have to take action when you first meet a woman? Oh, poor baby. Might as well have "BETA MALE" tattooed on your forehead, since approaching a woman is just too much work for you.

[AHardDaysNight]

How did this snowball from wanting a girl to approach you, to women withholding sex and being mean and spiteful?

 

Does every thread have to turn out this way? God!

[Metis]

Women will give you signals, but they won't ask you out, unless they are desperate. That is the man's job.

 

This, THIS -- is why women don't approach. Because for women, the very act of asking a man out -- not just a possible rejection, but the act of approaching itself -- carries a profound stigma. It's not because women "can't handle rejection", but because women are socialized that asking a man out is inappropriate behavior.

 

Guys: make up your mind. If you disparage women who ask men out, don't complain about women not asking men out. If you want women to do more approaching, don't disparage them for doing so.

[AHardDaysNight]

This, THIS -- is why women don't approach. Because for women, the very act of asking a man out -- not just a possible rejection, but the act of approaching itself -- carries a profound stigma. It's not because women "can't handle rejection", but because women are socialized that asking a man out is inappropriate behavior.

 

Guys: make up your mind. If you disparage women who ask men out, don't complain about women not asking men out. If you want women to do more approaching, don't disparage them for doing so.

 

The reason I said that is because all of you women have been saying it for ages. I simply agreed with it.

 

If you ask for equality, you're a misogynist. However, if you don't ask for equality, and go back to standards, you're a misogynist!

 

A man just can't win!

[Mystique2011]

This, THIS -- is why women don't approach. Because for women, the very act of asking a man out -- not just a possible rejection, but the act of approaching itself -- carries a profound stigma. It's not because women "can't handle rejection", but because women are socialized that asking a man out is inappropriate behavior.

 

.

 

I agree.

 

I had an ex-boyfriend who even though women initiating sex is desperate. You have these articles and forums where men complain about women not jumping their bones, but women can be socialized to think that initiating anything is desperate.

[AHardDaysNight]

I suppose it's how a woman goes about it.

 

I mean, one girl on a dating site messaged me several times. She was one of the few who did.

 

Everything in her messages screamed desperate, though. She was also 350 pounds, at least, and facially unattractive.

[Alexz]

Ignoring all the spam here,

 

@OP, just be confident. Dress nicely, trim yourself up, smell nice, and genuinely approach the special someone you are interested in. Be graceful and intriguing, and you'll be reciprocated with interest.

[musemaj11]

A desperate woman is a woman who initiates as a last resort because no one else wants her and she has to do something in order to get someone.

 

An assertive woman is a woman who has options but chooses to approach someone else that she really wants.

 

The former is unattractive while the latter is attractive.

[Carlos S]

How? Here is the best advice I've gotten on this question:

 

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wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-yeah

wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-wiggle-yeah

[Cypress25]

This, THIS -- is why women don't approach. Because for women, the very act of asking a man out -- not just a possible rejection, but the act of approaching itself -- carries a profound stigma. It's not because women "can't handle rejection", but because women are socialized that asking a man out is inappropriate behavior.

 

Guys: make up your mind. If you disparage women who ask men out, don't complain about women not asking men out. If you want women to do more approaching, don't disparage them for doing so.

 

+1. Women are often judged negatively if they make the first move. They're seen as desperate or easy. Better to avoid the stigma entirely.

 

And if the woman doesn't do any of those things she has gone into lazy girlfriend mode, right?

 

Right. There's no excuse for either person to be lazy.

 

And you're bitching about having to initiate contact and put in romantic effort while in a relationship, thats obviously just too much work for you.

 

I have absolutely no problem putting effort into a relationship. I do it automatically because I care about the person I'm dating and I want to make him feel special too. It usually comes back to bite me because I give 100% in relationships, and I continue to do so long after the boyfriend has stopped trying. But that's the way I am, and that's the way a lot of women are. I'm not bitching about it, I'm merely pointing it out to you.

 

You're the one complaining that you want women to initiate contact so you don't have to. You'll never hear me saying that I want men to put in more effort so I don't have to put in any effort. Do you understand? I wouldn't expect a man to do my work for me. Even if men did put in more effort, I wouldn't put in less effort. I give 100% no matter what. It would just be nice if I wasn't the only one doing that.

 

Poor you The man had already done those things 10 times as much as you before you had even done it once. Get real.

 

That's definitely not true. It's not like I wait for the man to get lazy before I start pulling my weight. I pull my own weight from the beginning. But that doesn't mean doing the man's job for him. I do my own job. I'm not going to be the man and the woman in a relationship. Might as well be in a relationship with myself. That's no fun.

[futuregopher]

This probably doesn't mean much but there has been this very pretty girl who started showing up at my part time job. Definitely 8/10. She sometimes is in the same back office as I am. I normally just say "hi" to her but for some reason, I thought about this thread and acting more confident and made small talk as I left. It was only for a minute but she was responsive and the way she said things was so enthusiastic towards me... I'm a senior in college and I think she's a grad student intern. I'm asian and she's white.

[AHardDaysNight]

This probably doesn't mean much but there has been this very pretty girl who started showing up at my part time job. Definitely 8/10. She sometimes is in the same back office as I am. I normally just say "hi" to her but for some reason, I thought about this thread and acting more confident and made small talk as I left. It was only for a minute but she was responsive and the way she said things was so enthusiastic towards me... I'm a senior in college and I think she's a grad student intern. I'm asian and she's white.

 

Sounds like you should ask her out, dude!

[carhill]

Two women approached me yesterday out in the world, one in a parking lot and one in a gas station. The draw? Something of a rarity these days, one of my old cars. Both were much younger and quite attractive. A quick glance confirmed the usual; a wedding ring. That said, they approached voluntarily. I didn't notice them until they spoke to me.

[insertnamehere]

Women do approach men, but it's not the full approach that guys make.

 

If a woman likes you, she closes the physical distance and leaves herself in a position where you can do the rest of the approach. If she really likes you, she'll initiate a limited conversation.

 

On balance, most women are unwilling to take the self-esteem hit that a full approach requires. They will, however, gladly try to position themselves so you can approach more quickly.

 

As a guy, I don't even like it when women approach me. The cutest girl that ever approach me opened with "My name is _____. How are you doing?" She says this in the most formal manner, excellent diction, like an airline stewardess explaining that your seat can be used as a flotation device in an emergency. This is in a total dive bar, too. To which I held up my whiskey glass and replied, "Still above ground. For the moment." Then I looked away. She stood there speechless for about fifteen seconds and then she left.

 

I hate being approached by women. What's the point of society if we don't all play by the same rules?

[futuregopher]

@AHardDaysNight - I would certainly like to ask her out! I am only going to be in college for two more months but she seems like a cool person but I could just be blinded by her good looks haha. I'm going to try and get a number lol

 

@carhill - very cool! Maybe girls are attracted to nice cars? I'm saving up money to get a used BMW 328i coupe lol

 

@insertnamehere - I think you hit it the nail on the head. I've noticed that too a couple of times and Neil Strauss has mentioned that a couple of times in his book. I am definitely opening any girl that does that to me next time. Of course she could just be there by coincidence but who believes in simply being there by coincidence? haha

Edited October 27, 2011 by futuregopher

[musemaj11]

As a guy, I don't even like it when women approach me. The cutest girl that ever approach me opened with "My name is _____. How are you doing?" She says this in the most formal manner, excellent diction, like an airline stewardess explaining that your seat can be used as a flotation device in an emergency. This is in a total dive bar, too. To which I held up my whiskey glass and replied, "Still above ground. For the moment." Then I looked away. She stood there speechless for about fifteen seconds and then she left.

 

I hate being approached by women. What's the point of society if we don't all play by the same rules?

I dont understand your point.

 

Are you saying we all should stick closely to certain gender roles?