My drug-addict girlfriend broke up with me... twice!

[charlie88]

I went out with this girl for about 5 months. She was crazy about me. Said I was the best boyfriend she ever had. Only problem was she was a recovering drug addict. She relapsed after five months, I did everything I could to get her clean (zannax, coke, oxy). Her therapist said I probably saved her life. Told her parents what was happening. She got clean for like a week, told me she needed space, i sort of freaked and she broke up with me.

 

She would still call me in the middle of the night and ask me if I was screwing other girls. I told her no and shed says she missed me. I got a little desperate and called her a lot to hang out but she kept flaking.

 

A few weeks later we meet up she says she loves me and that she just needs time. I find that she has been using occasionally but not enough to sustain her habit because her parents had been tracking her funds. She had been hanging out with this other drug addict and I told her not to do it anymore or it would upset me. She said she loved me and couldn't stand the thought of losing me.

 

Later I find out that she brought the addict to her house and when I found out she kicked him out and said she called the police on him because he was threatening her. I stop talking to her for a few days, she begged me to take her back... I caved. Again she said she loved me, a week goes by she acts distant and then I find out she is trying to buy Molly from my friend. I ***** her out and she dumps me. The next day I tell her I love her and she needs to make the decision to get better and that I think I've become too dependent on her, i say this crying. She says she cares about me a lot but says she is having a lot of fun without any attachments and that she is going to make me a painting and tries to cut the conversation short. I concede.

 

I go no contact but I see that she is putting hearts on this other guys pics a few days after and saying how adorable he is. This is apparently the guy she was trying to get molly with. Later I find out she deleted me on facebook. I didn't post or like anything on her page or make any contact...

 

This girl meant a lot too me and I did a lot for her. I lost a lot of sleep, instead of her being a part of my life she became my life when she relapsed. I thought I was in love and I'm hurting. Its sick but Im still deluding myself that she'll get clean and come back and be the person I met. She'll be at my uni in 3 months and im pretty sure we are going to have class together.

 

I realize that she is too immature and insecure for any sort of meaningful relationship. I just hope one day she is, and if its not me, its a kind guy cuz underneath all the **** is a great person.

[Bobby289]

I can't really give you advice as drugs complicate emotions so much, but that is a crappy situation to be in. I'm sure someone on here can relate and help you out, Best of luck.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

drugs affect a person in every aspect, whether it's big changes or little changes, the whole person changes. If you do not believe me just take a look at some of your friends that you grew up with and knew before they were introduced to drugs. After they started they more than likely seemed like a different person, or at least you noticed significant changes.

 

You dated this girl when she wasn't doing drugs and was recovering (recovery also takes it's toll) and she is now back into them. You have already stated some very good points that support you moving on from this girl and I suggest that you do just that. Go NC, heal, move on...

 

I dated my ex for 3.5 years, she dumped me and was into drugs within a month. Her crowd of friends took a turn for the worse, her appearance did the same. Her overall outlook on life, morals, ethics, and beliefs all changed and all for the worst in my eyes (and arguably, most of the population would think the same). After analysing the relationship, what she has become, and setting some personal boundaries I concluded that I do not want to be associated with this type of person.

 

Set up some boundaries of your own and decide what to do after you have established your boundaries.

[citrusdrop1688]

You guys could never have a healthy relationship until both of you get better. Shes addicted to drugs... your addicted to her. And theres no arguing it because anyone that would stay through the turmoil and emotional abuse that comes with being with an addict is def. sick themselves. Work on yourself and stop worrying about her. Even if she came back right now you guys would just destroy each other. And she would really need a year sober before she would be good in a relationship anyway. Maybe you should seriously look into Narcanon or alanon. This is very common with loved ones and significant others of addicts.

[AHardDaysNight]

This will be an unhealthy relationship, because inherently, she is being selfish by not giving up the drugs. And you're somehow enabling her by coming back to her.

 

I know it hurts to let her go, but maybe it's for the best? She needs a therapist, and you, as her boyfriend, can't be her therapist. You have to be her equal, and she can't be yours, as she is now.

 

My suggestion is to let her go, but before you do, get her help from a professional. Don't let her sink and drown, but stop enabling her behavior.

[Zabs]

:eek:Aww bless you ! My heart goes out to you in three capacities...as a former co-dependent, as the S/O that wants to love and support and 'just show him/her' a better way of life and also as from professional working knowledge with that client group.

 

I will go against the grain here and I hope it gives you enough strength to look after yourself to heal a little. Although people with addictions, often have had the most horrific experiences, they LEARN to cope with life in unhealthy ways. These are known as strategies.

 

I will break this down so my comments are not ambiguous..

 

If a person is in so much pain, they resort to substance or alcohol misuse...they WILL do ANYTHING to get it. That is their ONLY objective. Naturally, they will not want to lose the people in their lives that support and love them, but believe me that is secondary. When it comes down to numbing their own pain, your thoughts and feelings about it are immaterial. However, they KNOW this knowledge may cause you to back off, serve up ultimatums...all of which would be an addition to the pain they are already feeling...so...to maintain links of support and love, they become creative with the facts and/or keep you totally in the dark. Ie's of this are:

 

I just can't cope at the moment

 

I don't do it often, just occasionally

 

I don't have a problem, I can stop anytime I like

 

I am not using ******* just a little ****** (obviously, lying about)

 

Now the key to deciphering WHICH is their drug of choice is to see what they hope their end result to be. If they lack energy, feel depressed..wanna be the life and soul...etc..they are more likely to opt for a stimulant. This covers Cocaine, amphetamine, crack etc and the mood swings are likely to mirror that. In addition, they may attempt to control the 'too much up' by bringing themselves to 'normal' with a depressant drug. Ie: Heroin, alcohol, cannabis, prescription drugs like tranquillizers(major groups though). So if the person 'seems' erratic...it is likely they are using stimulants...if they seem 'goosed' all the time..or 'nodding' more likely to be a depressant. You may ask WHY a person in pain would use a depressant.. The reason is, at limits...they achieve two things...loss of inhibitions..so they really don't care about anything...and they feel comforted, wrapped up in cotton world, protected from the world and their pain. Many clients of mine used to say,'it's like coming home for the first time'

 

Getting back to you, when people use drugs or alcohol, like Hard said, it changes everything about them. And in addition, creates Master Manipulators! You can't avoid that when you are behaving deceitfully, irresponsibly, selfishly etc...because these are all things that a S/O finds a user to be accountable of..and the User, doesn't want that responsibility. So, in the mix with that, they come up with all these stretched or even fabrications to cover the facts. Your ex is more adept to handling situations than you are aware..and though you may think...but it is sooo destructive...it is STILL a coping strategy of hers.

 

One thing that did trouble me about your post, is that you referred to 'getting her off it'. Get that idea right out of your head now!! Others DON't 'get users off anything' That is a misconception of people that are so afraid, they feel THEY personally are responsible for the rescue. Ask any recovering addict in any sphere..they will tell you..unless THEY are ready to do it...there isn't a force on God's green EARTH that will make them.

 

Your attentions would be best focused on looking at WHAT makes YOU a Co-dependent. Why do you need to be a rescuer? What needs does being in that role provide for you? There are a few people on this site who are in recovery...and I am sure they will help you with the unadulterated facts of addiction if you ask them.

 

Please, look to help yourself first. There is nothing you can do for your ex until she accepts responsibility and actually wants to live, rather than exist

 

Much love,

 

Zabs xx

[charlie88]

Thanks this was really helpful. I am going to start taking care of myself. I've been a week without her and I already feel like a new person. If she does try to contact me I'm going to keep distance until I see that she is the person she was, and even then I'm going to tread carefully. I don't know if a relationship with this person is possible or if I even want it but I know that under all the crap, the selfishness, the insecurities and the drugs, there is someone worth knowing.

 

Much love!

[Deano8888]

I am in a very VERY similar situation to you with my ex girlfriend.

 

She was a long term user of amphetamine and various other drugs like Coke, ecstasy and vallium , I can honestly tell you this messes with their heads for life.

 

From personal experience I found that one minute they love you the next they hate you. They have the strangest of mood swings and have erratic and irrational behaviour that are totally unpredictable.

 

You will never win my friend, and I will tell you why. i know you might find this hard to accept and you will convince your self its not true, but with these people their drugs are more important to them then anything else. It is a form of mental illness, they are ill. It is very sad but honestly you could have done nothing more I promise you. they most likely don't mean any harm, they are just not in control of their emotions.

 

 

But, and here is an important but..... it does not give them an excuse to mistreat you and show you no respect. You have done a lot of thinking about her, you now need to start thinking about you and your needs. A relationship is not just about what she wants and needs, its about what you need as well.

 

Regards

[charlie88]

it bothers me that she is dating immediately after leaving me... especially since the guy seems like a tool and the fact that she has basically cut me out of her life. I shouldn't after what she put me through... I'm a little anxious. Its really hard for me to get over this person, im getting therapy. I had a bad case of co-dependency.

[charlie88]

After all this, I still miss her and part of me wants her back. I feel like such a weak idiot. Im going to continue no contact and hopefully this will all go away. Not sure whats going to happen when i bump into her in a few months.

[betterdeal]

You're now in the a state of mourning, charlie. You've lost someone and it's entirely expected you'll feel a range of emotions, including a sense of loss and missing the good times. Let it flow. You need to feel those feelings in order to come out on the other side.

 

Change your phone number and block her online (Facebook etc). Eat well, sleep well and do exercise. Get a haircut and some new clothes. Maybe go for a massage. Basically, treat yourself with utmost respect. You'll feel better sooner or later, when you're ready to.

[charlie88]

Apparently you were right about blocking her. I checked her facebook today out of curiosity and her profile picture was her and her new boyfriend. The new boyfriend is wearing the costume I bought and made (beetlejuice and she is lydia, I left it at her house). We broke up two weeks ago. Felt like **** today but this is probably going to help me move on overall.

[betterdeal]

That's the spirit! Forgive and forget I say. Forgive her now she cannot trespass against you (you have blocked her, right?) and forget her. Handsome young man like you ought to find a new young lady in no time.

[charlie88]

you might be right. i miss her terribly. But I'm setting boundaries. She told our mutual friend that she was only using the new guy she was dating. She actually broke up with him 2 days ago, relationships lasted all of 2 weeks. That the reason she broke up with me was because she wasn't ready for the level of commitment I was asking for.

 

The thing is, I'm going to let her go. She needs to get better on her own, change in one way or another. I'll be seeing her in 2 months at school and I'll see what she's like but I don't think i'll take her back as much as my body aches to be with her again. I am already looking at other women but I guess I'm just a romantic at heart. I've been in relationships but never really thought I was in love until this one.

 

I went over to her house to pick up my stuff last night. We were both pleasant, I had a cigarette with her and our friend who was in the back but I didn't really say anything. Smoked it and left. Seeing her kind of jolted me a little, we were both acting kind of awkward. Even if I did want to get back with her, I don't think its what she wants.

 

This girl has a tendency to use men in order to deal with her problems. I'm pretty sure she used me too but for a while what we had was definitely real, there is no doubt in my mind. Her friend confirms it too.

 

Past the drugs and all the selfish behavior there is definitely someone good. I realize its not my job to bring her out anymore but hers. So yes, I want to relapse with her but I'm confident I can control myself sufficiently.

 

I'll let you guys know what happens

Edited November 6, 2011 by charlie88

[charlie88]

Well I got a call last night from her. She was crying telling me that no one cared about her and no one wants to hang out with her and that she wanted to die and that if she died no one would miss her.

 

I told her that I would miss her if she died and that if she wanted she could come hang out with me and my friends as just friends.

 

So she comes over. She looks like she isn't even human anymore. She tells me she has been smoking a lot of oxy and has been up on coke for the last three days. Apparently the new guy she was going out with, who is the second guy shes dated since we broke up 3 weeks ago ditched her for his ex. She has the nerve to ask me "do you have any idea what its like to be ditched". I just sit in silence at that.

 

I walk her over to where my friends are and she threatens me that she will hit me if I call he parents. The whole time she is being extremely hostile and moody. She sits with a friend of mine who tries to talk to her. And I call her dad.

 

She sees me on the phone and runs at me and tries to punch me. She isn't very strong because of the state she is in so it doesn't really phaze me. I walk her to her car. She tells her dad that I'm obsessive and wants to get a restraining order against me even though she is the one that came to see me and all I did was call her dad. She is in no state to be driving, tripping over herself. She looks at me and says "I don't give a fu** about you!". She also says she doesn't care about anyone except her dad. I try to stay as calm as possible without saying anything back. Her dad tells me to just let her go to her car, I do.

 

I go back to my place. Her dad apparently came to pick her up, she just waited in her car. He called me later and we both cried, I told him that she needs to go back to rehab and that its best for both of us if there is no contact between me and his daughter anymore.

 

And that was my last night. Happy 11/11/11.

Edited November 12, 2011 by charlie88

[betterdeal]

That must have been harrowing. Her part in your story is over now. I hope you take steps to close this chapter once and for all. Delete her contact details and change your phone number. It's time to move forward.

 

Take care.