A choice must be made here- I need

[headforthehills]

I really need some good sound advice here...where to even start. I will try to make this short. Been with my H since 2008. I have been through abuse with him while he was drinking- yes, i should have left then, but i stayed. Now he has not had a drink in 4 days and says he has changed. ? He has always been very controlling, although he will not admit it. His mother told me that he beat his last girl friend and she left him. scary! He also got her pregnant and she had an abortion. I have had 2 abortions. We were married, and he told me it was him or the baby, if I decided to keep the baby, he would have no part of it. Fast forward to today...I thought of leaving him, thoughts flooding my mind because of a fight we had right before he quit drinking. No physical fighting, just name calling, yelling. I found out I was pregnant again. (I know, stupid) I am about a month along now. He doesnt want this baby either. Keep in mind though, I am going to be 41 this december--its not like I am a spring chicken. I am not sure I would want to handle diapers all over again either..I am really in a tough place here. His mother is emailing me daily telling me I need to get out of the relationship before something terrible happens. She has even called me at work.

What do I do, you guys? I am the only one working, by the way. He has no job, no money, no car...everything is mine. How do make these kinds of choices? I also have a 15 year old daughter here at home== she cannot stand him. What to do. I have an abortion set up for next week. This is scary. I feel like i have pretty much lost all respect for my H because of all I have been through with him, although I still love him (how can that be?!) I need some advice from you guys-- plz

[analystfromhell]

I guess it's not clear to me why you haven't kicked him out of the house long ago. What's holding you back?

[xxoo]

I feel like i have pretty much lost all respect for my H because of all I have been through with him, although I still love him (how can that be?!) I need some advice from you guys-- plz

 

Ok, you love him.

 

You NEED to love yourself and your daughter MORE.

 

The right thing is often not the easy thing. In this case, the right thing is clear. Get away from this guy before he hurts you or your daughter. Look at your daughter, feel the responsibility you have to protect her, and act.

[Lucky_One]

When a man's MOTHER is advising you to leave her son, I put a lot of weight on that. Moms usually forgive the worst parts of their children's personalities, and she is totally seeing him for being a not-so-nice person.

 

I would separate, simply because of my D. And then, if you really do love him and if he really does love you and if you both together really want this marriage to work, I would set conditions. 1) AA meetings, and I mean 30 meetings in 30 days sort of meetings 2) Regular meetings with his sponsor in AA 3) Marriage counseling (this can be free through a pastor at your church, if $$ is an issue) 4) Counseling for your D, so she has a safe place to talk about her feelings about her step-father and any possible reconciliation 5) A written separation agreement prior to any of the above occurring 6) Counseling for you at a domestic violence center (which is nearly always free or very low cost) 7) Date, and see how you get along AFTER he has done 30 meetings in 30 days and AFTER some MC and AFTER your D has started with a therapist and AFTER the separation agreement is signed.

 

Personally, I would separate, file for divorce, and be done with him. (I can't advise on the pregnancy, as I am not sure how you feel about it.)

 

But I am not you, and I know that women very often make poor decisions based on the fact that they love someone (who doesn't really deserve that love or loyalty). In that light, feeling that you are longing to give him one more chance, I am advising the above steps as a one suggested way for you to give the one-more-chance in the safest manner for you and your D.

 

The abused woman cycle is very difficult to break free from, and that is why I am strongly suggesting the counseling there, as they know exactly what you are going through and what your thought process is.

 

Good luck, and good luck with your pregnancy (in whatever direction YOU wish it to go in).