Girlfriend cheated, how can i help us make it work once more?

[Country Road]

The girl of my dreams went away to Europe on holidays, and cheated on me. We had been together for two years when this happened. Over the space of 1 month of a 2 1/2 month holiday she had a relationship with two other men, ending on the night before her return. I have never cheated on her. On the day she got back, she told me about it. I responded with love and forgave her. Our relationship didn't end, and I love her very much. Now, three months later, she doesn't give the cheating a second thought..

 

However, such an event has stayed with me, haunting me endlessly. I was never prone to jealousy before this, but now i am. I secretly harbour doubt every day. No matter how close we embrace, i feel so distant. She isn't the nicest person in the world, and often says hurtful things she doesn't mean, which normally would have bounced off my once thick skin, but now keep me in a depressed state. Any sign of 'un-love' on her behalf feels like a wedge driving us apart. My feelings have been deeply affected by the cheating.

 

Three weeks ago i logged onto the net, and hotmail automatically loaded. She had been using my computer the night before, and i didn't notice it had automatically loaded into her account, not mine, until i got to the inbox. To my horror i found emails from one of the guys from overseas, dating from january to two weeks earlier. I wish i had read them to ease my mind, but out of respect i let them be. I can access her hotmail whenever i want to releave suspicion, but i choose not to as I know that in itself would be a violation of trust, when i am trying to build that very thing. She also casually told me around that time that she wanted to go to America, and visit him if she "happened to pass by that area".

 

I love her so much, and want to be with her, without these harsh feelings weighing on my heart. I want to see her with the innocence i once looked at her. I want to find out the reasons why she cheated on me, and what i can do to help her. I want to feel loved. She often tries so hard to show me that she loves me, but her actions go unappreciated. I know that i should not waste my time with jealousy, but it is hard when i can not erradiacte all doubt. Now i feel powerless, as, because i have taken her back after cheating on me, she feels that i am a pushover, and continues to bully me into doing everything she wants.

 

Objective:

* I want to trust my girlfriend once more

* I want to be over what happened, and i don't want to be jealous any more

* I want to know for sure if she still has feelings for the american boy

* I want her to be happy, and to feel loved and supported

 

Are there people out there that get over cheating, and continue a loving relationship as if it never happened? If so, i'd like to know their secrets.

[average guy]

I'm no expert, but my feelings tel me that if she cheated with just one guy it might have been an act of animal passion that she couldn't control (I know it does happen) but that she cheated with two guys tells me that she is looking for fun. I would have to say I would not trust her. Like I said, I could forgive one mistake made in the passion of the moment, but to forgive two mistakes in such a short period...I don't think I could. I would assume that she is actively looking for other men (and might have even had an affir before she left) and will continue to look for opportunities.

 

I hate to rain on your parade, but those are just my feelings from expereince. I truly wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out well. Maybe she is truly finished cheating and will never stray again

[Fritz]

Well, clearly you still have issues about what she did and it doesn't sound like she's being very remorseful or working very hard on the relationship. While not married, she violated your trust and I don't think I'd have much of a problem looking at her email after that.

 

She cheated twice.. and to me that means a cheater is a cheater is a cheater. I wish you luck bud and don't be a pushover.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

One reason a person dates another person is to find out about the moral chararcter of the person and who they really are. I think it is time for a wake up call for you and to open your eyes.

First, you have been dating over 2 years and she goes off to a vacation and has sex with two different men putting your health at risk and screws one of the guys the last night before she comes home to you.

Second, she shows very little remorse. Thirdly, she has been lying to you by keeping in touch with one of these guys behind your back. You should definately read these messages. She has lost your trust. This way you will know the truth instead of being in denial which you are. Fourthly, she is mean and not very nice to you. Fifthly, a major slap to you that she says she may go to America and visit him. This is a major sign of disrespect to you.

 

The bottom line is open your eyes. You have a girlfriend who has a borken moral compass and continues to lie and disrespect you. It sounds like she is a cakewoman who enjoys having a boyfriend but enjoys doing what she wants to do regardless of your feelings. Why do you feel you deserve so little? Stand up and kick her out and look for someone who is faithful, loving and respectful to you and believes in the concept of committment which is something your girlfriend has no conception of. This girl will break your heart over and over again. Stop being a doormat and look for somewho you can respect. I think you would have to be somewhat masochistic to stay with someone like this who will only continue to hurt you in the long run. She virtually told you that she would visit (screw) this guy again if she has a chance. Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to wake up and see what is happening. I wish you luck.