Not sure what to think any more...

[Wisher]

Just looking for advice or suggestions concerning my relationship...I've debated seeking out advice because I have a feeling my gut is right...

 

My boyfriend and I live together, we've been together for almost six years, living together only eight months. We are not youngsters, both have been married and divorced, his kids are grown, I have two teenagers.

 

I'm not even sure how to narrow down what the problem is. But since the first week we moved in together, our relationship changed, and it wasn't for the better.

 

Some key factors in the problems between us are:

 

1. He owns his own business and is financially very well off. I'm not. I can pay my bills and live ok, I just don't live and spend the way he does. And that irritates him.
   
2. He has two kids, both grown, but work for him so he sees them every day, as well as his grandkids. I have six kids, only two at home yet, and I tend to spend alot of time with them, as well as making sure I see my other kids and grandkids. This also irritates him.
   
3. I am back in school to complete my masters degree, which was his idea, even though I wanted very much to do it. But it's very time consuming. Another irritant for him.
   
4. His favorite hobby is making it to happy hour to hang out with the elite crowd. I have too many things to get done, and too many things I'd rather be doing than sitting in a bar. He's a drinker, I am not. A HUGE irritant for him.
   
5. He is a very negative person, a pessimist, everyone is a scammer, everyone is out to take advantage of everyone else. Even though I would never have dreamt this could be a problem, it is a huge problem for me. It's very draining mentally and emotionally to be around someone whose always negative.
   

These are a few of the things that are causing all the problems and I'm not sure if this is a nasty stage in a relationship, or if I should just get the heck out of dodge.

 

He can be extremely vicious verbally when things don't go his way. He was not that way before we moved in together. Does he resent me now? Because we moved in together? It could only be because he thinks it was a mistake, because it was his idea to move in together.

 

One night my boys were gone for evening, and so was he. So I went with my daughter-in-law for a few hours. I got home around midnight and found myself locked out of the house. I only had a key to the front door, and the screen door was locked so I couldn't use it. Luckily, my boys had come home before him, so I was able to call them to let me in. But when I got in the house, our bedroom door was locked as well as the connecting bathroom. Totally embarrassing for my kids to have to see.

 

Sex...he is a sex crazed nut....before we moved in together, that was A.ok with me! And I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. But now, I find it near impossible to be attracted to him. And this really REALLY ticks him off! And I've tried to fix it. I've tried to be understanding to the way he sees things. The way he wants things to go. But it seems the more I try to change the way I do things, the more things he finds that need changed. It's just such a turn off. So is the negativity. Here's an example of the negativity....(it's only one exampe, and this a rather simple one)

 

I let my boys adopt a dog from a rescue shelter...we already had one dog, but she's a tiny thing and she's not really for teen boys..Any way, this dog we adopted is amazing! She is beautiful, extremely well behaved, house trained, very smart. At first when we brought her home, my bf thought she was amazing too! He couldn't believe that someone got rid of her.

 

well, not that we've had her a couple of months, every chance he gets, he has a complaint about her. She slops too much water when she drinks. His ankles itched one night...so she must have brought fleas with her. He heard a noise in the middle of the night, so he flew out of bed because he KNEW the dog was in the garbage can! she wasn't...and has never gotten in the garbage...EVER. I could go on and on.....basically, he thinks the dog should go back to the shelter. Which I would never dream of doing to her, myself or my boys.

 

I would just like someone else's opinion of what they think is going on here. I'm sure I could have explained a few things better, and if I need to clarify anything I will certainly do so.

 

Thank you in advance for your time, I appreciate it! ~Wisher~

[whichwayisup]

It's obvious that after 8 months of living together that you two aren't compatible. He is irritated with you, your lifestyle, how you spend money, etc, etc..

 

Time to talk to him and lay this out on the table. Seems that your lives are not entwined as couple, he does his thing and you do yours..

 

Your sex life isn't there anymore, you're full of resentments which has turned you off and made you feel less attraction towards him, he's negative and picky.

 

Tell him how you feel and why, tell him that you feel like he isn't as happy with the relationship either and how you two can fix this .. Or is it time to break up?

[Wisher]

Thank you for the reply, I appreciate it greatly. All of what you said makes sense to me, which is why I've tried talking to him in the past, and saying the exact same thing you replied with...I've even packed up to move out. As a matter of fact, most of my belongings are still packed and that was 3 months ago.

 

He's response to my concerns is: "no relationship is perfect"...which I believe to be true as well. When I mention that I don't think he is any happier than I am...he says..."don't tell me how I feel or what I want". when I did finally say that enough is enough, and packed to move out...he gets so furious, accuses me of using him (which I'm not sure for what I would be using him for, except that he owns the house we live in, and I only "pay rent" to him).

 

What I've written in the first two posts....just makes me wonder why the heck I've been here this long lol good grief! But I've basically answered my own questions, because honestly, what I did write, isn't even a tenth of what I have put up with from his behavior and mouth. I guess Dr. Phil's ol' saying "we teach people how to treat us" is kicking me in the behind right now....shoulda listened way back when.

 

ThankU much~Wisher~