rubyjuly Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 (edited) i posted this a while back....my longtime bf had a one nite stand a while ago...i have never been able to heal from it and feel i want to talk it thru with him..here is my dilema he cheated on me in the midst of a really strong close relationship we saw each other about every day, he was not lacking love, affection, etc. The reason he said he did it was bc this one night he wanted me to stay, but i had to get home to my daughter...an hour after i left this other woman came along and gave him some attention and he slept with her, resenting that i had not stayed over the night there with him...(even thogh at the same time he told me he liked that i was a good mom and responsible to get home to my daughter, he said he wished i could stay but understood why i couldnt) the next day i called him his phone was off, he flaked on plans we had made..i went there and he wasnt there, never called me..i knew he had done something and was sick about it... after he confessed he had cheated, he said he just couldnt face me the next day and so he avoided me... a short while later he was in the hospital for a while..i was there for him thru it all...but there were several times he treated me like dirt..i would go to visit him and he would be mean verbally, like ask me if i could use some makeup...another time he hung up on me.. after he got out of hospital, i found evidence of what i already knew, the one night stand before he went into hospital...i confronted himn about it, he said he had and the reason why was he wanted me to stay over that night but i left...even tho he knew i had to get home for my kid... he said he had conflicting feelings bc he knew i should take care of her but felt neglected by me that night and some other times when i had to get home to her... (even tho we spent about every day together) i found out he had told several people about his cheating with that woman...that is somethiung i havent been able to understand from him why he would tell other people about it, including his own dad. his dad knows weve been together a longt time so i dont know if i can be ok with the fact he turned around and told his dad about this woman...when i asked him why he told him, and a couple other people about her, he said 'i dont want to discuss it, let it go' theres never an excuse to cheat, but it would be more understandable if he had done it lets say, if i was not around for him, or was busy all the time, or we were having major problems. but it hapened when he was calling me every day 5 times a day, we'd see each other hours a day, and hardly ever had an argument, he was not neglected. the fact he told some poeple about her after makes it alot worse somehow... i feel like the only way i can realy start to heal from it is for me and him to have a heart to heart talk about it, for him to tell me why he felt the need to tell others about it, and to truly repent for it and give me the reassurance i need it wont happen again... over a month ago i tried to get him to talk to me about it but he wouldnt, should i let him know how i feel or just let it go and deal with it on my own? Edited October 24, 2011 by rubyjuly Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Why are you still with this guy? He cheated on you because you had to go home to take care of your daughter? Exactly how selfish and immature is that? And he won't even discuss this with you like an adult? You are dating a selfish, immature, lying, cheating ass who takes you for granted and makes you feel bad. You can do better, even if that's on your own! This is still on your mind because what he did was inexcusable and he refuses to talk to you about it. If he had talked with you openly and honestly, maybe there would be a way to work through it. But he is just continuing his pissy behavior toward you - this guy does not care about you as a person. I'm afraid it's time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 i posted this a while back....my longtime bf had a one nite stand a while ago...i have never been able to heal from it and feel i want to talk it thru with him..here is my dilema he cheated on me in the midst of a really strong close relationship we saw each other about every day, he was not lacking love, affection, etc. The reason he said he did it was bc this one night he wanted me to stay, but i had to get home to my daughter...an hour after i left this other woman came along and gave him some attention and he slept with her, resenting that i had not stayed over the night there with him...(even thogh at the same time he told me he liked that i was a good mom and responsible to get home to my daughter, he said he wished i could stay but understood why i couldnt) the next day i called him his phone was off, he flaked on plans we had made..i went there and he wasnt there, never called me..i knew he had done something and was sick about it... after he confessed he had cheated, he said he just couldnt face me the next day and so he avoided me... a short while later he was in the hospital for a while..i was there for him thru it all...but there were several times he treated me like dirt..i would go to visit him and he would be mean verbally, like ask me if i could use some makeup...another time he hung up on me.. after he got out of hospital, i found evidence of what i already knew, the one night stand before he went into hospital...i confronted himn about it, he said he had and the reason why was he wanted me to stay over that night but i left...even tho he knew i had to get home for my kid... he said he had conflicting feelings bc he knew i should take care of her but felt neglected by me that night and some other times when i had to get home to her... (even tho we spent about every day together) i found out he had told several people about his cheating with that woman...that is somethiung i havent been able to understand from him why he would tell other people about it, including his own dad. his dad knows weve been together a longt time so i dont know if i can be ok with the fact he turned around and told his dad about this woman...when i asked him why he told him, and a couple other people about her, he said 'i dont want to discuss it, let it go' theres never an excuse to cheat, but it would be more understandable if he had done it lets say, if i was not around for him, or was busy all the time, or we were having major problems. but it hapened when he was calling me every day 5 times a day, we'd see each other hours a day, and hardly ever had an argument, he was not neglected. the fact he told some poeple about her after makes it alot worse somehow... i feel like the only way i can realy start to heal from it is for me and him to have a heart to heart talk about it, for him to tell me why he felt the need to tell others about it, and to truly repent for it and give me the reassurance i need it wont happen again... over a month ago i tried to get him to talk to me about it but he wouldnt, should i let him know how i feel or just let it go and deal with it on my own? If you are at all serious about this man, definitely let him know how you feel and that you need to talk about it. To do otherwise is to disrespect yourself and devalue your own feelings. However, he sounds very immature and selfish and he may not care enough about what you need. In that case, I think you need to be ready to end things with him and you may never get his explanation. Even if you two talk everything out, you may not be able to rebuild a trusting R if he is too immature and selfish to be in a committed R. It sounds like he acted on impulse, giving no priority to you, your feelings or the relationship you two have. He probably told people who he knew would care primarily about him and he didn't tell you because he doesn't want to face the consequences that his actions hurt you and betrayed your R together. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 You don't need him for closure or to find out why he told everybody else about his cheating but you..Fact is, this guy IS indeed an a-hole and he's treated you poorly. He doesn't care, he hasn't answered what you want to know already so the more you ask the more he will just clam up and play a game with you and continue to be a jerk. You're better off just walking away and allowing yourself to grieve, do your best to let go..He isn't worthy of your tears though! The guy truly is nasty right now and treating you badly. Don't talk to him anymore. Sorry you're hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 a short while later he was in the hospital for a while..i was there for him thru it all...but there were several times he treated me like dirt..i would go to visit him and he would be mean verbally, like ask me if i could use some makeup...another time he hung up on me..I would dump him just for treating you like this! The bottom line is: he cheated because you went home to take care of your child. There is nothing he can tell you that would help you to 1) believe he won't do it again when you have to care for your child and aren't available to him (and his sexual desires), and 2) believe that it will ever be anything except about his selfish wants - he doesn't respect you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rubyjuly Posted October 24, 2011 Author Share Posted October 24, 2011 as i think about it more, Im hesitant to bring it up because i somehow feel inferior to this other woman...i saw her, and feel like somehow I wasnt as 'good' as her...in some insecure way, Im afraid if I bring it up, he will start thinking about her and want to hook up with her again... ironic thing is, the reason why she was able to stay the night with him that night? She had her kid taken away from her by social services bc of her drinking/drug use....since her kid was not with her, she was able to have all the time in the world and stay overnight with him...somehow even thogh she did wrong, he saw her as giving, attentive, etc. and I had to get home to my kid....because I didnt do wrong, I didnt have my kid taken away from me by social services.... i cant believe i somehow in some way feel inferior to her...he seems like he gave her some type of 'credit' for the fact she was able to stay with him, and i wasnt...i never had my kid taken away in the first place, so i have certain responsibilities....but bc she messed up and had her kid taken away, she was able to give him undivided attention, if only for a night... it reminds me when i was a kid, my sister would do bad stuff and then get credit for not doing it anymore...i didnt do it in the first place, so I was boring and just got ignored... i pointed out to my bf how its so ironic, that he told me one thing he liked about me is Im a good mom, yet bc I was being a good mom and couldnt stay all night with him, he saw this other woman, who had her kid taken away from her, as somehow meeting his needs better than me... and in some very sad way, that makes me feel inferior i dont know if betrayed partners tend to feel inferior, im just being honest...i know in my head im the better one, yet at the same time feel inferior in a way...he told me she was petite, and that makes me feel inferior to, I am not big, but bigger than she is, and figure anything about her that is different than me makes me inferior.,,, or maybe that is bc that's how he made me feel? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 The best thing you can do for your self-esteem is to get away from guys who treat you like crap. Link to post Share on other sites
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