rubyjuly Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 what does it take to heal from cheating for me, I need to be able to talk about it when i need to, at least to understand the basic questions I have...so far, he only talked to me about it twice for a few minutes...then he was done. I never got the answer to a couple of my questions I had, and he now says, its over, hes not gonna talk about it anymore. last time i tried was over a month ago, he was so mean to me i havent tried again... other thing I would need is true remorse, taking respons8ibilty for it. He says he felt really bad about it, but at the same time says the reason he did it was I couldnt stay over with him one night, bc I had to get home to my kid...so he made me feel like it was somehow on me that he slept with this woman. I dont feel he took the full blame for it, he said "I told you not to go that night: i need to slowly trust but verify, be able to sometimes look at his phone, know who he is talking to, etc. Yet he says its immature and controlling if I want to look into his phone.,.without that reasurance its pretty hard to rebuild trust.... is it really possible to heal,and for those in this istuation what does it take for you to do so or at least begin the process? Link to post Share on other sites
bosunmate Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Until your husband comes clean about things and answers your question's at any time you will not be able to move forward...Are you sure he has ended the affair? It doesn't seem like he has any remorse and to blame you for the affair is wrong. He has to be an open book and disclose everything. The fact that he won't let you see his phone tells me he's hiding something. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 is it really possible to heal absolutely and for those in this istuation what does it take for you to do so or at least begin the process? to get rid of the problem......the cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Until your husband comes clean about things and answers your question's at any time you will not be able to move forward...Are you sure he has ended the affair? It doesn't seem like he has any remorse and to blame you for the affair is wrong. He has to be an open book and disclose everything. The fact that he won't let you see his phone tells me he's hiding something. Exactly. Your relationship can start healing only after he starts demonstrating trustworthiness and true remorse for the damage he's done. If he doesn't demonstrate these things...your relationship with him will never heal. You'll continue to feel the pain, you'll never rebuild trust, and things will just remain exactly as they are. If he does demonstrate these changes...then you can begin to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
crazyinlove333 Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 what does it take to heal from cheating for me, I need to be able to talk about it when i need to, at least to understand the basic questions I have...so far, he only talked to me about it twice for a few minutes...then he was done. I never got the answer to a couple of my questions I had, and he now says, its over, hes not gonna talk about it anymore. last time i tried was over a month ago, he was so mean to me i havent tried again... other thing I would need is true remorse, taking respons8ibilty for it. He says he felt really bad about it, but at the same time says the reason he did it was I couldnt stay over with him one night, bc I had to get home to my kid...so he made me feel like it was somehow on me that he slept with this woman. I dont feel he took the full blame for it, he said "I told you not to go that night: i need to slowly trust but verify, be able to sometimes look at his phone, know who he is talking to, etc. Yet he says its immature and controlling if I want to look into his phone.,.without that reasurance its pretty hard to rebuild trust.... is it really possible to heal,and for those in this istuation what does it take for you to do so or at least begin the process? OMG!!! My boyfriend cheated on me and the only reason we are still together 2 1/2 years later is because of his attitude. I asked every single question I wanted, I emailed him and texted him 6 times a day, I asked him to take a day off of work so we could talk. He did it all without complaint. He offered his cell phone, email passwords, showed remorse! He told me over and over how sorry he was and stupid and how he can not loose me. If your BF is not doing that then you need to leave!!!!! My BF did everything right and I still to this day think about it on occasion and will have a setback of being angry with him. My BF and I had a great foundation to begin with and open communication and we got through it, you can too but NOT IF THIS IS HOW THE bf IS ACTING. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 what does it take to heal from cheating for me, I need to be able to talk about it when i need to, at least to understand the basic questions I have...so far, he only talked to me about it twice for a few minutes...then he was done. I never got the answer to a couple of my questions I had, and he now says, its over, hes not gonna talk about it anymore. last time i tried was over a month ago, he was so mean to me i havent tried again... other thing I would need is true remorse, taking respons8ibilty for it. He says he felt really bad about it, but at the same time says the reason he did it was I couldnt stay over with him one night, bc I had to get home to my kid...so he made me feel like it was somehow on me that he slept with this woman. I dont feel he took the full blame for it, he said "I told you not to go that night: i need to slowly trust but verify, be able to sometimes look at his phone, know who he is talking to, etc. Yet he says its immature and controlling if I want to look into his phone.,.without that reasurance its pretty hard to rebuild trust.... is it really possible to heal,and for those in this istuation what does it take for you to do so or at least begin the process? It doesn't seem like this relationship is worth rebuilding and it seems like you are alone in your efforts and he is in no way bothered about how you feel. Sometimes these things happen to make you realize this person's true character...and sometimes it means walking away. I do not believe in "fighting for love" without discrimination...sometimes you're the only one fighting and sometimes it is a signal that that situation is not worth a fight. If I were the cheater and I were remorseful, I'd fully be prostrate to that person (of course, I'd expect that they would not abuse it and we'd eventually get on equal terms again down the road, as IMO, that is the goal; reconciling the relationship to a better level. If a relationship is going to be forever imbalanced due to cheating, if the cheater always feels like they are still making it up to the person years later, if the cheated always brings it up years later...then I don't see the point, and for me, I would rather start over afresh with someone else than be reminded I am a cheater or remind the cheater that he is a cheater). I would be willing to give that person whatever it is they need, be transparent and show them I am sorry and want to win them back. He is doing no such thing and chances are if you take him back, he'd do something like that again. If he cheated and blames you and makes you feel bad...and you already know that his reasoning was downright unacceptable...then is he someone you want to be with? You want to be with a man who cheated on you because you had to go home to your child??? Think about that....and is that a man you want around your child and in your child's life, who clearly doesn't value you or your child? Link to post Share on other sites
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