34 and still living at home....?!

[Bgirl]

Would you date someone who is 34 and still living at home with parents? No circumstance stops him from moving out, his parents are healthy, not on disability, he has a full time job that pays him decent money but he has choosen to stay at home?

 

Also, he dropped off university year 2 , longest relationship has been 9 months and ...do I need to say more?

 

He is a nice guy but I just find this very fishy... what do you think?

[FitChick]

He's cheap.

[allina]

No thanks, I'd pass.

[Mrlonelyone]

How do you know his parents are healthy?

 

I ask because if I just met someone and I introduced them to my parents talking about dad being blind and demented, and mom loosing her short term memory would not happen. Not until I got to know them better. Dad would be dragged into the shower and forcibly bathed and mom briefed on all she needed to know.

 

Give him a chance and get to know his situation a bit more too.

 

He could be saving the money so he can buy a home.

 

He may have been foreclosed on like so many and unable to get an apartment due to credit. Even with a good job a big foreclosure can ruin credit for a good long time. That is common even among otherwise responsible people these days.

 

He could just love and be comfortable with his parents. Which is easy if this is a particularly large house where everyone has their own spaces and a degree of privacy.

 

Last but not least... Of all the men who have broke the hearts of most of the women here on LS what percentage do you think lived with parents? Plenty of scumbags have apartments and are persona non-gratis with their family. Would that be less fishy?

[azsinglegal]

My first husband lived at home until he was 33. The ONLY reason he moved out was to move into MY apartment.

 

He was a mama's boy. He called his mother on our wedding night to tell her how much money we got in the cards. It was 1am. Ruined our honeymoon. Ruined our marriage. I just couldn't get over how much he swung from mommy's teet at that age.

 

Was married to him for 3.5 yrs until I couldn't take anymore.

[AHardDaysNight]

There could be a variety of reasons for this.

 

But it sounds, from your description, like he's a freeloader. I'd let him go.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I think this is something that has to be taken on a case by case basis. Times are different now, some people do seem to stay home longer with their parents. On one hand, he is at home with his parents. On the other hand, many he is really close to both his parents? He does have a full time decent job, so that's good. In some European countries, families live together like that all the time..aunts, uncles, grandparents, brothers and sisters. Maybe they know something we don't. Here we cast out our grandparents into old folks home and think we are more "healthy" and "independent". There they seem to take care of their family more. I'm not saying it's not something to keep an eye on. But I am thinking you should give him a shot if you are interested in him. It's not an ideal situation but no one is perfect. Everyone comes with different baggage. Perhaps there are even things about you he feels iffy on. I say give it a shot. I would if I really liked the guy.

[Mystique2011]

What culture or ethnicity does he belong to? In Indian, Italian and Jewish families, it's acceptable for unmarried adult kids to live at home. The parents don't see it as freeloading, but maintaining family values and taking care of each other.

 

I would date him, because I used to be in the same situation. Saving money while living at home is financially savvy versus moving out just for the sake of people not thinking you're a loser. Does he have plans to move out eventually?

 

I also don't know him like you do. You may pick up on things that your intuition senses. There's a chance he could be a mama's boy. You would only know by observing him some more. If you're not comfortable with dating a man that lives at home, that's your preference and maybe you shouldn't compromise. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, because I'm seeing myself when I was in that situation.

Edited October 24, 2011 by Mystique2011

[Lucky_One]

I would date him for all the reasons that people listed here. It is doubtful that you know everything about him, if you have just met him recently.

 

I have friends whose daughter was killed in a car accident three years ago and whose son still lives in the backyard in a guest house. I think it gives them all comfort.

[Imageiko]

I'd say its a red flag for sure but you should look into the actual reasons why a bit more before you make a decision. There are a number of reasonable reasons that he's still living at home but I'd be treading cautiously if I were you.

[AHardDaysNight]

His relationship history doesn't matter. And if he's religious, that might be why he's still at home.

 

I'd give him a chance.

[carhill]

On the surface, he appears incompatible with you OP, since evidently your circumstances and/or goals are different. I've never personally known a man who lives at home at 34 unless he's caregiving, but obviously such men exist. Most of us revel in our independence. Myself, I put just enough distance between myself and my parents so I had my own 'space'.

 

Up to you whether you want to get to know him better. Absent his circumstances, do you find him, the person, attractive? His appearance, personality, mannerisms, smell, etc? Short term, I'd go with that and, if attractive, see how the 'get to know' process goes and what it reveals. Clarity is often in the details. No need to fall in love today or tomorrow. No rush.

[oaks]

He's cheap.

 

If he's living with his parents rent-free then he'll have plenty of money to go on dates to expensive restaurants. Win!

 

Or maybe he's financially supporting his parents by paying them a market-rate for living there, thus enabling them to continue to live in a larger house than they could otherwise afford. That could be a good character trait.

 

Too many unknown variables. Let's just call it an amber flag - find out more.

 

Short term problem - if 'dating' him gets successful as far as wanting to have some intimate moments, is that possible at 'his' place with his parents living there?

[Disenchantedly Yours]

E-Sky - that's great that you were independent and moved out at 23, but you can't make all inclusive statements about what is going on in that home behind closed doors. Maybe he does the grocery shopping, maybe he pitches in half, maybe whenever they go out to dinner he pays, maybe he cleans the yard, maybe he does the laundry. You really have no idea what he is or isn' doing or what he is or isn't paying for. Although I will say, that if he really isn't paying for anything, that is a bit iffy. BUT, at this point in the relatoinship, it's not the OPs business to ask so she will jsut have to learn as she goes. There is a different, at least to me, living at home and helping with things and living at home and having no job and not helping with anything or every paying for anything.

[Lucky_One]

E-Sky? Why are you so sure that this guy is lazy? How do you know so much more about him than the OP?

[AHardDaysNight]

Another thing is, in this economy it's not always easy to find your own place.

 

I am 28, and just moved back home for the third time, because A.) I am taking care of a relative, and B.) I lost my job. Also C.) I am a broke college student.

 

Doesn't sound like the OP's situation, though.

[Bgirl]

Interesting, I know this goes more on a case by case basis. Like I said, by the sounds of it his parents are really healthy, he says they always go out golfing, always go on trips, etc. When he talks about his home, it sounds that they have a big house(also good neighborhood) and he has told me that his dad was a well-known professional. So I have no doubt that his family has means

He is attractive, he carries himself well, he is polite, dresses well, well groomed, etc. I believe that character and appearance wise we are a good match.

Here is the reason why I “red flagged it”:

 

During our first date, when the bill arrived, he paused and looked at me, hesitated and then grabbed the bill. Then when he called me after, he said “I noticed when the bill came that you had no intention on paying, are you the type of girl that always expects a guy to pay? “ And I replied that I am traditional and I do expect to be treated on the first dates, but once we start going out I always offer to help especially if you go to different places, like movies and dinner etc. I mean do you REALLY ask a girl that on date one? And please don’t nail me on the fact that men and women should both pay but for a first date, I do think that he should have picked up the bill without hesitation.

 

I have suggested we go for dinner sometimes and he has said “I will have dinner with my parents”. During our last date he took me to a café and I was starving, he resisted to order something and decided to share my salad. I didn’t mind but I was starving and at the end he suggested we split the bill.

 

So I am not doubting his ability to move out or lack of help around the house I am doubting his view on money, he seems cheap to me.

[carhill]

So I am not doubting his ability to move out or lack of help around the house I am doubting his view on money, he seems cheap to me.

 

Reading further, an anecdote shared by a wealthy friend comes to mind, to wit 'Do you think I got rich by giving my money away?'

 

Overall, I'd opine this man apparently has the breeding, appearance and socio-economic status to entertain many options, and apparently has, given his propensity for short term relationships in the past. It is increasingly apparent his living circumstance is likely cultural/familial. My bet is the family will 'facilitate' a home for he and his new bride when they get married and that mom and dad will likely have a substantial influence on who he marries, though not overtly.

 

Regardless, if you're getting annoyed after only a couple dates with someone who, on paper, is a home run, then that's instructive. It's one of those 'great on paper' stories we read on LS all the time. I suspect you want to stay in this because he is attractive so you'll have to reconcile that attraction against your boundaries. Good luck

[Eve]

I can't say that I would find his situation attractive but he could be a nice person. I would see what he is about if nothing else as a friend. At worst chances are he probably has a history of substance misuse or something. At best he could just really love his parents and finds it preferable to being at home, which could raise issues later on.

 

Growing up my friends stepdad was a virgin until he was something like 37 and lived at home with his parents even though he had a really good job. He is one of the nicest men I have ever met and is still married to her Mum. They must be pushing nearly 20 years together now. Lovely man.

 

Find out who he is. He may have been down on his luck. Some people have crappy lives but are not crappy people.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Mrlonelyone]

Bsky

 

The situation of this guy sounds like it could be similar to mine in many ways. His parents could be what's called "house rich". My parents are that way. They have a nice house for their area, a good sized house, and if they got a reverse mortgage or sold outright they would be able to live comfortably for 10 to 20 years on that money in a good nursing home.

 

Or he can live with them, pay all or part of the expenses and keep the house free and clear and in the family for another generation. In other words that would/could be your house (or one of your houses) someday if this goes the distance.

 

As for him being cheap, he may have had many women out after him just for his money.

 

Many professional men, men who stand to inherit, men of means, are on the lookout for gold diggers. If a woman does not want to pay some of the cost of seeing you that's a red flag for him. His hesitation to grab a bill was him testing you.

 

_________________________

People who's parents were late 20's when they were born vs those who parents were late 30's or older when they were born see this differently.

 

People who's parents were young when they were born look at this issue and see those living with their parents as strange. This is because they think everyone's parents had children young. Some of us, like me, were born to a 40 year old father and 35 year old mother who are now 70 and 65 as of now. There is a huge difference between 60 and 55 and 70 and 65, HUGE.

 

Most of us move out into the world as I did, and after a time find that with the parents failing health and the cost that go with that, it just makes $$$ sense to stay at or very very close to home.

 

____

As to the OP what I would want to know if I were you is some independant information on the state of his parents health. Not just how they are doing now but the future outlook. Does his family have a history of stroke, or heart attack or dementia? Those are things that can turn old but healthy parents, into basketcases in need of close 24 hour care really fast.

Edited October 24, 2011 by Mrlonelyone

[D-Lish]

I've been back and forth to my parents house more than a few times since leaving when I was 18. There was a divorce in there, a failed business that left me broke, and another bump in the road in my early 20's before going back to school.

 

I was always thankful to have them to fall back on- and the last stint I stayed at their place (for around a year), worked out because I was house sitting as they had moved to a different country and needed a caretaker to look after the place while they were away 90% of the year.

 

I always felt a little ashamed having to tell people I was living at home in my late 30's, and It was always my goal to get back on my feet and start over again. Each time, that safety net allowed me to do just that. I always wanted to get out on my own again- and worked as hard as I could during my time at home to make that happen.

 

It was a sweet deal, and one I could have taken advantage of for a few more years. I had a spacious in-law suite to myself and a big back yard for my dogs... But I never felt "good" about myself having to be there.

 

I'd find it distasteful to be called after a date and questioned why I didn't contribute. I always do contribute unless my date insists, but I sure don't like being told or put on the spot about paying, that makse for an uncomfortable ending to a date.

[dasein]

What culture or ethnicity does he belong to? In Indian, Italian and Jewish families, it's acceptable for unmarried adult kids to live at home. The parents don't see it as freeloading, but maintaining family values and taking care of each other.

 

I would date him, because I used to be in the same situation. Saving money while living at home is financially savvy versus moving out just for the sake of people not thinking you're a loser. Does he have plans to move out eventually?

 

I also don't know him like you do. You may pick up on things that your intuition senses. There's a chance he could be a mama's boy. You would only know by observing him some more. If you're not comfortable with dating a man that lives at home, that's your preference and maybe you shouldn't compromise. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, because I'm seeing myself when I was in that situation.

 

Couldn't agree more. The consumerist scam that has been successfully molded into our culture is that people must leave the family unit to be "independent" when that is a very new development in Western culture. Coincidentally it multiplies the level of consumption and consumerism in a society. Funny that... but yeah it's all about "being independent" and "standing on your own feet" and not at all about encouraging waste and overconsumption of resources, goods and services.

 

Someone who has any kind of "green" leanings or concern for the environment at all who would look askance at an unmarried person living at home is a complete hypocrite. Not directed at OP necessarily, just saying, as it's common for women to espouse "green" causes out of one side of their mouth while issuing very "ungreen" edicts and judgments about people out of the other.

 

Now there is a certain kind of man who is overly dependent on his parents and should be avoided, but these stick out like a sore thumb. But only about 10% of the men women call "mama's boys" really are. "Mama's boy" often means "he doesn't pay 110% of his attention to memememe."

 

Stay at home as long as you can, pitch into the home environment, enjoy building relationships with your parents while they are younger and save save your money. Anyone who looks down on you for this is a dumbass.

[Star Gazer]

I would not date a guy who was 34 and living at home EVEN IF he was caretaking because I am looking for someone with a compatible lifestyle.

 

I would not date a guy who dropped out of a junior college because I am looking for someone who has a shared value of advanced education.

 

I would not date a man who does not have LONG TERM relationship expeience because I am looking for someone with long term relationship skills.

 

So no, I would not date the man described in the OP.

Edited October 24, 2011 by Star Gazer

[Mystique2011]

To the OP-I still say go with your gut instincts when you mentioned the bill issue. Calling you up and making a fuss about seems like an indication of emotional immaturity. If he's upset with you not paying, he can just not take you out again.

 

Too many women let other people pressure them out of their own intuition, especially when online posters aren't there to pick up visual cues and body language that raise your intuition's antennas. You can go on more dates if you want, but continue to keep your eyes open. I've had people tell me "Oh, he seems like a nice guy. That thing you mentioned is probably harmless" only to find out months later that my first feeling was right. I doubted my instincts and gave other people the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

Dasein-Yes, living at home can have it's advantages, but it's all about how much you're willing to cope with. My home wasn't the Brady Bunch, but I was able to focus completely on college,graduate school, and save enough money to be comfortable enough to leave. Guilt played a huge role, because my mom desperately didn't want me to leave. There are times when I wished I left earlier than I did, but things happen in life.

 

 

Harddaysalone-This whole first month, last month, and security deposit is what kills people. Times are hard right now.

 

Esky wrote :"let your mum and pops have some time by themselves."

 

Some dysfunctional parents use their kids to meet their emotional needs and have no interest in spending time with the spouse. My mom was miserable in her marriage, yet she said she needed her husband for money. Since she didn't like his character, she relied on me for support. Once I moved out, she freaked that she didn't have anybody for companionship. Me moving out meant that she had to be alone with my step-dad. I think that's why "mama's boys" exist. The mom treats her son like the partner she never had.

Edited October 25, 2011 by Mystique2011

[thatone]

My first husband lived at home until he was 33. The ONLY reason he moved out was to move into MY apartment.

 

He was a mama's boy. He called his mother on our wedding night to tell her how much money we got in the cards. It was 1am. Ruined our honeymoon. Ruined our marriage. I just couldn't get over how much he swung from mommy's teet at that age.

 

Was married to him for 3.5 yrs until I couldn't take anymore.

 

my ex gf's oldest brother was 40, an attorney, running for judge in the town he lived in. his mother called my brother (who owns a sign shop) to arrange for signs and shirts and hats and such for his campaign.

 

wonder if his mother would've told him how to decide cases had he won?

 

baffling....