34 and still living at home....?!

[Mystique2011]

my ex gf's oldest brother was 40, an attorney, running for judge in the town he lived in. his mother called my brother (who owns a sign shop) to arrange for signs and shirts and hats and such for his campaign.

 

wonder if his mother would've told him how to decide cases had he won?

 

baffling....

 

I was the female equivalent of a mama's boy. Guilt, helplessness, and fear of hurting the parents' feelings is what keeps us in that role. I've changed when somebody pointed it out to me and helped me back away from it. I shudder when I look back at how I used to be! I agree that dating and marrying someone that's still overly enmeshed with their parents will have consequences. You can feel bad for them, but they need to work on individuating.

Edited October 25, 2011 by Mystique2011

[thatone]

I was the female equivalent of a mama's boy. Guilt, helplessness, and fear of hurting the parents' feelings is what keeps us in that role. I've changed when somebody pointed it out to me and helped me back away from it. I shudder when I look back at how I used to be! I agree that dating and marrying someone that's still overly enmeshed with their parents will have consequences. You can feel bad for them, but they need to work on individuating.

 

that was pretty much what started the last argument before we broke up.

 

and i had the same response after the fact. couldn't really feel mad at her, i felt sorry for her.

 

it's a pattern, she has 5 siblings all with college degrees in their 30s and 40s, no marriages.

 

and yeah, if we have any contact in the future she'll get it pointed out to her too, by me.

Edited October 25, 2011 by thatone

[FitChick]

 

So I am not doubting his ability to move out or lack of help around the house I am doubting his view on money, he seems cheap to me.

 

Told ya!

[musemaj11]

Somehow Im reminded of the other thread where women are getting in an uproar over being judged by their age ,,,

[Lucky_One]

my ex gf's oldest brother was 40, an attorney, running for judge in the town he lived in. his mother called my brother (who owns a sign shop) to arrange for signs and shirts and hats and such for his campaign.

 

wonder if his mother would've told him how to decide cases had he won?

 

baffling....

 

I'm confused. Isn't that exactly what we EXPECT successful men to do? To tell their mother/wife/sister/admin/campaign manager to do X and Y and fed-ex Z to Cincinnati?

 

I don't think I WANT my lawyer to have enough time that he can make all the calls for details like that!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I support this, but anyone that is 34, not disabled, not caring for his parents or no heavy religious reasons....should be out of the house.

 

 

OK, when one person has an imaginary friend, he's seen as 'crazy'... when several people have an imaginary friend, it's 'religion'.

 

 

I'm curious as to why somebody's zany imagination excuses him from your absurd judgments.

[thatone]

I'm confused. Isn't that exactly what we EXPECT successful men to do? To tell their mother/wife/sister/admin/campaign manager to do X and Y and fed-ex Z to Cincinnati?

 

I don't think I WANT my lawyer to have enough time that he can make all the calls for details like that!

 

wife/sister/campaign manager/admin i could see.

 

but in no way shape or form would my mother ever call someone regarding my professional life. even if i asked her, she would refuse, because it could be so easily perceived the wrong way.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

my ex gf's oldest brother was 40, an attorney, running for judge in the town he lived in.

 

 

Aaaaaaaaaaand then there was U.S. Supreme Court Justice David Souter, who was living with his mother at the point at which he was nominated for the highest court in the land.

[thatone]

Aaaaaaaaaaand then there was U.S. Supreme Court Justice David Souter, who was living with his mother at the point at which he was nominated for the highest court in the land.

 

David H. Souter was born on September 17, 1939, in Melrose, Massachusetts. At age 11, Souter and his parents moved to Weare, New Hampshire, near Concord, where his father, a banker, could lead a slower-paced life necessitated by a heart condition. Souter was a lifelong bachelor and lived with his widowed mother until she entered a nursing home several years before his nomination to the U.S. Supreme Court. He was still living in the family's farmhouse in Weare when President George Bush plucked him from obscurity to place him on the nation's highest court in 1990.

http://www.answers.com/topic/david-souter#ixzz1blKQLfLq

[coffeeaddict]

34 and still living at home is one criteria by which to judge (assess) what type of person he is, and it is a valid criteria, but you shouldn't let it become the only criteria.

 

It's like when people say, "Trailer trash," "Soandso is trailer trash." Well, living in a trailer speaks to your means, it speaks to what you can afford to pay, it doesn't speak to whether you're a good person or not. There are worthwhile people who live in trailers, and trashy people who can afford much more (Many of our leading men and women in Washington fall in this category).

 

There are good people who live with their parents at 34. That's a social strike against him, and depending on his reason it might be a personal strike, but it's not something by which to judge his entire being. Look at the sum total of everything about him. Is he responsible/stable in terms of how he conducts himself? Do you like him? Is he the type of person you want in your life? Does he make you happy? And weigh all of those things against his homebound status and whatever other negatives, and make your decision on that basis.

[dasein]

my ex gf's oldest brother was 40, an attorney, running for judge in the town he lived in. his mother called my brother (who owns a sign shop) to arrange for signs and shirts and hats and such for his campaign.

 

wonder if his mother would've told him how to decide cases had he won?

 

baffling....

 

Campaigns do have volunteers that handle such things, some of those volunteers are family members. Do the math. If I were running for office, would be extremely grateful to anyone, family or no, who was willing to handle such details. I hope the good laugh about this guy ended up costing your brother some business in the long run.

[Lucky_One]

wife/sister/campaign manager/admin i could see.

 

but in no way shape or form would my mother ever call someone regarding my professional life. even if i asked her, she would refuse, because it could be so easily perceived the wrong way.

 

Really? That's so...odd.

 

What if his father had called about signs and posters? Would that be ok?

[Mrlonelyone]

How judgmental some of us are!

[Bgirl]

Wow you guys..where to start? To reply to your thoughts, he has been treating me pretty decent so far, so far, as it has only been 2 weeks. But in terms of dating he has been doing all the right things.

 

We talked last night about hsi work etc and he mentioned that in the past he's had girls be with him just for money, he said it's happened a lot to him and this is why he wants to make sure that his partner is with him for him and not for money. He said if I know that you respond to me in a good way I don't mind doing things (paying) for you.

 

In terms of values we seem to be really aligned, as in we both agreed that we don't multidate, we both agree that we would wait for sex, we don't agree in beiong friends with ex's, we have open communication, we value family and friends etc.

 

My only 'concern' is that I want to find out somehow (and in a nice way) what does he think about moving out should a relationship progress? As I said, I am about to buy a place next year.. and things might work out with him, they might not,.. but if they do... how willing is he to leave the 'nest' and start an independent life. Last thing I want to hear is "Come live in my basement".

 

 

Someone made a contrast earlier about guys who are good on paper : good job, owns a condo, owns a car etc. but they end up being complete jerks. If you read my other posts you will know that I just dated a guy who seem so good in paper but he wasn's the right guy for me....so would I give thsi guy a chance? I think I will see how it goes in the next few dates. I want to know where he stands in terms of his short and long term goals. I want a healthy relationship and I am trying to stay away from the typical man that I am used to dating, the one who owns a business and a condo and thinks im so beautiful and nice but at the end they only treat me like an option becuase they have so many choices..they make you feel so dispensable.

[AHardDaysNight]

Wow you guys..where to start? To reply to your thoughts, he has been treating me pretty decent so far, so far, as it has only been 2 weeks. But in terms of dating he has been doing all the right things.

 

We talked last night about hsi work etc and he mentioned that in the past he's had girls be with him just for money, he said it's happened a lot to him and this is why he wants to make sure that his partner is with him for him and not for money. He said if I know that you respond to me in a good way I don't mind doing things (paying) for you.

 

In terms of values we seem to be really aligned, as in we both agreed that we don't multidate, we both agree that we would wait for sex, we don't agree in beiong friends with ex's, we have open communication, we value family and friends etc.

 

My only 'concern' is that I want to find out somehow (and in a nice way) what does he think about moving out should a relationship progress? As I said, I am about to buy a place next year.. and things might work out with him, they might not,.. but if they do... how willing is he to leave the 'nest' and start an independent life. Last thing I want to hear is "Come live in my basement".

 

 

Someone made a contrast earlier about guys who are good on paper : good job, owns a condo, owns a car etc. but they end up being complete jerks. If you read my other posts you will know that I just dated a guy who seem so good in paper but he wasn's the right guy for me....so would I give thsi guy a chance? I think I will see how it goes in the next few dates. I want to know where he stands in terms of his short and long term goals. I want a healthy relationship and I am trying to stay away from the typical man that I am used to dating, the one who owns a business and a condo and thinks im so beautiful and nice but at the end they only treat me like an option becuase they have so many choices..they make you feel so dispensable.

 

It sounds like he's a healthy man, despite living at home at his age. I wouldn't listen to the rest of the people on here who consider it a "dealbreaker."

 

If he treats you nice, then that means he's good for you.

[thatone]

Really? That's so...odd.

 

What if his father had called about signs and posters? Would that be ok?

 

not really.

 

politics is perception, and signs/posters are how the public will see the guy running for office for the most part.

 

what would you think if you were going out on a date with a guy and he told you his mom had picked out what he was gonna wear?

[Emilia]

 

My only 'concern' is that I want to find out somehow (and in a nice way) what does he think about moving out should a relationship progress? As I said, I am about to buy a place next year.. and things might work out with him, they might not,.. but if they do... how willing is he to leave the 'nest' and start an independent life. Last thing I want to hear is "Come live in my basement".

 

 

I left my home country when I was 20 to come to the UK on my own with only a suitcase. I don't expect everyone else to experience that of course but I would struggle to have respect for someone who needs this sort of cushioning in life and isn't able to stand on his own two feet. Until he lives at home, you have no proof OP that the guy can stand on his own two feet.

 

Do you think if you ended up in a long term relationship with him and he moved out of his parents' house, he would be able to make serious and not so serious decisions without leaning on his parents or you? I know a relationship is ideally a partnership but how can someone learn to contribute in an adult, assertive, independent way to a relationship at the age of 34+ if he has never done it before? It has to be too late for him, surely. He will always take the easy option out, it's the way he rolls

[thatone]

I left my home country when I was 20 to come to the UK on my own with only a suitcase. I don't expect everyone else to experience that of course but I would struggle to have respect for someone who needs this sort of cushioning in life and isn't able to stand on his own two feet. Until he lives at home, you have no proof OP that the guy can stand on his own two feet.

 

Do you think if you ended up in a long term relationship with him and he moved out of his parents' house, he would be able to make serious and not so serious decisions without leaning on his parents or you? I know a relationship is ideally a partnership but how can someone learn to contribute in an adult, assertive, independent way to a relationship at the age of 34+ if he has never done it before? It has to be too late for him, surely. He will always take the easy option out, it's the way he rolls

 

i agree.

 

don't be surprised when you have some sort of issue with him and you find out that he and his parents have already decided to pre-judge you without talking to you about whatever the issue is.

 

i've been down that road with women who never left their home town and/or lived with their parents through their adult life.

[AHardDaysNight]

That is crap.

 

I've lived on my own, three separate times. Each time, I've moved back home briefly, and right now, I'm a caretaker to a family member.

 

I am 28.

 

Bottom line is, the people that set these dealbreakers and are commenting on this thread are full of it. They are giving advice that they would give to themselves, but aren't considering the total possibilities.

[Lucky_One]

not really.

 

politics is perception, and signs/posters are how the public will see the guy running for office for the most part.

 

what would you think if you were going out on a date with a guy and he told you his mom had picked out what he was gonna wear?

 

Ah. Gotcha. I didn't realize that the sign shop would print on the signs WHO called to order them, because that would be the ONLY way that the public could possibly know who was doing the ordering and the ONLY way that public perception could be swayed in this situation.

 

I must posthaste tell my son AND my husband that I will no longer look at their shirts and ties and tell them which tie goes better. I didn't realize that I was micro-managing their lives and making them unfit to run for public office.

[Lucky_One]

don't be surprised when you have some sort of issue with him and you find out that he and his parents have already decided to pre-judge you without talking to you about whatever the issue is.

 

You think that it takes someone living at home or in the same town to pre-judge you? I think that if a person is prone to pre-judging, then they will do so whether they live at home, on their own, or in a cardboard box.

[Emilia]

That is crap.

 

I've lived on my own, three separate times. Each time, I've moved back home briefly, and right now, I'm a caretaker to a family member.

 

I am 28.

 

Bottom line is, the people that set these dealbreakers and are commenting on this thread are full of it. They are giving advice that they would give to themselves, but aren't considering the total possibilities.

 

Someone else commented on this thread that your situation is different because it's temporary as you seemed to move back for economic reasons during the recession (I feared that too at one point although I have nowhere else to move in the UK). I think caretaking is understood by most

[Emilia]

You think that it takes someone living at home or in the same town to pre-judge you? I think that if a person is prone to pre-judging, then they will do so whether they live at home, on their own, or in a cardboard box.

 

I think what thatone meant is that his parents' pre-judgement will have more influence over this guy because he isn't independent and doesn't live away from home. I think it's fair to assume that most people that don't live at home are less influenced by their parents' opinions and judgement because they are not exposed to it all day every day. Ideally independent people carve out their own niche and have their own thought process.

[thatone]

Ah. Gotcha. I didn't realize that the sign shop would print on the signs WHO called to order them, because that would be the ONLY way that the public could possibly know who was doing the ordering and the ONLY way that public perception could be swayed in this situation.

 

I must posthaste tell my son AND my husband that I will no longer look at their shirts and ties and tell them which tie goes better. I didn't realize that I was micro-managing their lives and making them unfit to run for public office.

 

try answering the question.

 

the statement is a fact. politics is perception. people vote for who they 'like'.

 

so the question stands, would you like the fact that a man you went on a first date had to have his clothes picked out by his mother?

 

You think that it takes someone living at home or in the same town to pre-judge you? I think that if a person is prone to pre-judging, then they will do so whether they live at home, on their own, or in a cardboard box.

 

people want companionship. if they have it by virtue of never leaving home then their relationship partners are effectively competing against the family they live with. why would such a person risk leaving the family they have to try and create a new one? they have one already.

 

look at the threads on this forum where women have complained that men who are too close to their mothers push them aside at the mother's behest. it happens all the time. that's why the defense of david souter was so laughably ironic. the key words in his bio are "lifelong bachelor".

 

as i stated before, the family in my example has 5 children all between 30 and 40, all with college degrees, two with graduate degrees. no marriages, and they are catholic from a family with 5 children so marriage/children is a definition of success to them to an extent, yet they have all failed at that to this point. consider why that is....

Edited October 25, 2011 by thatone

[Emilia]

 

I must posthaste tell my son AND my husband that I will no longer look at their shirts and ties and tell them which tie goes better. I didn't realize that I was micro-managing their lives and making them unfit to run for public office.

 

I think telling your husband that his shirt and tie don't match is absolutely fine, telling your son is something very different. Your husband has a woman (you) who takes care of him in every way. Your son must find a woman for himself (girlfriend/wife/NOT his mother) to take care of him if they as a couple wish to have that dynamic. Those apron strings have to be cut at some point.