34 and still living at home....?!

[Lucky_One]

I think telling your husband that his shirt and tie don't match is absolutely fine, telling your son is something very different. Your husband has a woman (you) who takes care of him in every way. Your son must find a woman for himself (girlfriend/wife/NOT his mother) to take care of him if they as a couple wish to have that dynamic. Those apron strings have to be cut at some point.

 

His GF had better not be coming upstairs in my house to give an opinion on his tie while he is standing there in his boxers.

[Lucky_One]

try answering the question.

 

the statement is a fact. politics is perception. people vote for who they 'like'.

 

so the question stands, would you like the fact that a man you went on a first date had to have his clothes picked out by his mother?

 

It wouldn't bother me. My husband has a very close relationship with his mothers, she is a complete sweetheart, and we are all very close. I don't seem to have all these hang-ups that a lot of posters do seem to have about family closeness.

 

So back to your silly example. How would the public ever KNOW that a mother of a candidate called in to order signs instead of his sister calling?

 

 

 

People want companionship. if they have it by virtue of never leaving home then their relationship partners are effectively competing against the family they live with. why would such a person risk leaving the family they have to try and create a new one? they have one already.

 

look at the threads on this forum where women have complained that men who are too close to their mothers push them aside at the mother's behest. it happens all the time. that's why the defense of david souter was so laughably ironic. the key words in his bio are "lifelong bachelor".

 

as i stated before, the family in my example has 5 children all between 30 and 40, all with college degrees, two with graduate degrees. no marriages, and they are catholic from a family with 5 children so marriage/children is a definition of success to them to an extent, yet they have all failed at that to this point. consider why that is....

 

The family that I am a part of has 7 children, all between 50 and 65, all with college degrees, 2 have been married twice, 4 have been married once, and 1 is gay. They are episcopalian. Marriage and children is a definition of success to them to an extent. None of them consider themselves to have failed at either. Why is that?

[Mrlonelyone]

@Bgirl

 

If you move out with him because you have a serious, engagement and marriage tracked relationship that probably won't be a problem for him or his parents. As others have said in Many European countires, in Latin America, among other minorities in America families live together until children get married. Their values permit this as he will be starting his own branch on the family tree.

 

Consider this story which shows that a person can live with their parents, in a country controlled by them and still be fiercely independant.

 

Take the story of a young woman from 400 years ago. She was a native American woman of only 12 who's father was a chief. She was very independant and when the English came she would lead her little friends over to visit them. Her tagging along with the warriors come to trade was understood to mean that the indians from werowocomoco came in peace.

 

Yet inspite of effectively being an ambassador or living peace flag she lived with her father, in his house until she was married off to a warrior named Kocoum (Who lived near present day washington DC.

 

After that husband died or was divorced from her by being kidnapped for ransom by the English and he did not try to get her back... she married an english man named John Rolfe, had one son, went to England representing the Virginia company and her father Wahunseneca to the court of King James.

 

She had such impact that she is one of a very few non British people to have a church dedicated to her burial site in Britain, not even princess Di has that. All of this from someone who not only lived in her fathers home until married off, but who lived in a country dominated by him and his politics.

 

The moral of the story I am trying to get at is this: That someone lives with their parents temporarily or permanently only means that they get along with their family and have values which permit independent adult action. They can still do great things. Even with mom and dad within ear shot.

.

 

*Before people try to say "yeah but she was young". That's in an age when people did not routinely live to be more than 40. Case in point she died of European disease less than a year after arriving at an age of no more than 22.

Edited October 25, 2011 by Mrlonelyone

[AHardDaysNight]

Another thing is, he might have social anxiety, which would stop him from living on his own. He doesn't have to be a freeloader.

[Mrlonelyone]

In the same vien as my last post.

 

John Quincy Adams and John Adams would both be examples of men who did great things though living with their parents until married. Namely they did the united states of America by founding it and being presidents.

 

I think that some ladies here are revealing what their issue is with this.

 

You think that all men who live with family must be unduely influenced by them? Suppose it wasn't a man living with his parents in their house but a man who's parents have moved into his. Would that be different and why? If the man didn't buy the house but pays most of the bills, and keeps his parents out of nursing home out of his set of values.

 

Why is that pathological to some of you? I mean really social anxiety? Where does the man in the OP sound like he has anxiety he has a good job and must be social enough to have met a woman. Someone with real SAD would not be able to do either of those things.

 

Let me turn this on it's head and see if it still holds water.

 

People who don't live with or near any of their family seem odd to me. Unless they are overseas deployed in the millitary or studying abroad or something temporary like that.

 

I mean their own flesh and blood aren't good enough for them or something? They don't get along with their own family well enough to stay within easy visiting distance. They don't even call or keep in touch with them. What's wrong with such people?

 

They must lack family values and be too selfish to share resources. How can I have a 50/50 partnership with someone who could not even get along with their own mother?

 

They must be so screwed up that their family does not want them around so their damaged goods.

 

Their family must be so screwed up that they don't want to be around their family which means they are damaged goods.

 

They, they, they... it is so easy to follow that word with judgemental, stereotypes isn't it? All of the above is just about as reasonable about "independant" people who don't live with their families as the stuff said about "ma ma's boys" who still do.

 

Let's not personalize this and focus on the OP's question eh?

[Emilia]

His GF had better not be coming upstairs in my house to give an opinion on his tie while he is standing there in his boxers.

 

I hope for his sake he is under 16

[Untouchable_Fire]

Judging this guy because he lives with his parents is just like judging a woman because she had a kid outside of marriage.

 

Could it mean he is an irresponsible twit or a mommas boy? Maybe. Do you not realize those traits exist in men who are not living with their parents?

 

As in many other things in life... if you lack the brains, foresight, and judgement capability to figure out what his personality traits are.... you probably shouldn't be dating anyone at all. I mean, good God, to narrow down on one superficial trait and make a choice based solely on that defines stupidity. Step back and take a look at the guy as a whole... his lifestyle, actions, attitudes... ect should tell you the story.

[Emilia]

Another thing is, he might have social anxiety, which would stop him from living on his own. He doesn't have to be a freeloader.

 

That's worse. My father was like that and my parents' marriage was a complete disaster. He kept being pulled between his wife (my mother with two small children) and his mother/family (my grandmother/5 siblings)

 

He was too weak to stand up to anyone and there was a constant battle for his wages between the families. Even as a child it was awful to see that.

 

Of course I'm not saying every guy with social anxiety will end up like that but pushing your own boundaries has to be way to recover and learn to fend for yourself. I really can't see how living with parents helps anyone to gain more confidence in themselves.

[thatone]

It wouldn't bother me. My husband has a very close relationship with his mothers, she is a complete sweetheart, and we are all very close. I don't seem to have all these hang-ups that a lot of posters do seem to have about family closeness.

 

So back to your silly example. How would the public ever KNOW that a mother of a candidate called in to order signs instead of his sister calling?

 

they will see indecision and lack of experience in other areas. people can't hide who they are. it always comes out eventually.

 

this is the second time he has run for office. the first time he insisted on taking no money from outside contributors, this time he didn't have the money to pay for the campaign and had to reverse himself on that and explain why. his father was also a politician, and he got the premise of running for office without money from the father, that's how the father ran for office when he did it.

 

there was a pretty large experience gap between him and the opponent. the opponent had been a prosecutor, a public defender, a school board president, a member of the law review board at the university he attended, etc. meanwhile the other guy has never left the town he grew up in except to go to law school, and most of his bio is membership in political cause type groups.

[Emilia]

Judging this guy because he lives with his parents is just like judging a woman because she had a kid outside of marriage.

 

Could it mean he is an irresponsible twit or a mommas boy? Maybe. Do you not realize those traits exist in men who are not living with their parents?

 

As in many other things in life... if you lack the brains, foresight, and judgement capability to figure out what his personality traits are.... you probably shouldn't be dating anyone at all. I mean, good God, to narrow down on one superficial trait and make a choice based solely on that defines stupidity. Step back and take a look at the guy as a whole... his lifestyle, actions, attitudes... ect should tell you the story.

 

He lives at home with mommy at the ripe old age of 34. What else is there?

 

Why would a woman (or a man) be judged for having a kid outside marriage? Almost half of committed couples don't get married nowdays.

[Woggle]

I can understand in hard economic times like this that sometimes people have no choice but to do certain things but somebody who is content to just freeload off of their parents should be a huge no. If he has to stay because of the hard times he should at least be contributing as much as he can. If not economically he should do all the chores and shopping for them.

[Woggle]

He lives at home with mommy at the ripe old age of 34. What else is there?

 

Why would a woman (or a man) be judged for having a kid outside marriage? Almost half of committed couples don't get married nowdays.

 

I agree with you on the first point but if somebody has a kid by a person they can't make a relationship work you have to wonder how they will be with you. Having baby daddies and baby mommas for that matter does not seem like a good sign that person can make a relationship work.

[thatone]

they will see indecision and lack of experience in other areas. people can't hide who they are. it always comes out eventually.

 

this is the second time he has run for office. the first time he insisted on taking no money from outside contributors, this time he didn't have the money to pay for the campaign and had to reverse himself on that and explain why. his father was also a politician, and he got the premise of running for office without money from the father, that's how the father ran for office when he did it.

 

there was a pretty large experience gap between him and the opponent. the opponent had been a prosecutor, a public defender, a school board president, a member of the law review board at the university he attended, etc. meanwhile the other guy has never left the town he grew up in except to go to law school, and most of his bio is membership in political cause type groups.

 

was editing but furthermore...

 

there's more to it that i saw when i was dating the sister. there's a general sense that they maintain amongst themselves that they're right and everyone else is wrong/out to get them. they think by losing elections they can convince the world that they're somehow better than everyone else, the thing i heard over and over is "yeah but even though he lost they'll see how everyone is here". it's an us versus them mentality with the whole family. which explains clear as a bell why all of these kids they have are still single. when you go out to make enemies of everyone near where you live, and declare yourself holier-than-thou, leaving yourself with only your family to reinforce those opinions you've created, you tend to wind up alone.

[Mystique2011]

Another thing is, he might have social anxiety, which would stop him from living on his own. He doesn't have to be a freeloader.

 

True. Mental illness (OCD, PTSD, depression) can be debilitating when you can't get out of bed or can't work. I had very severe anxiety for a long time (my parents were against me getting therapy and medication, don't ask). I didn't even go to the college dorms when I could have, because I was worried about what other people would think of my panic attacks and OCD rituals.

[Emilia]

I agree with you on the first point but if somebody has a kid by a person they can't make a relationship work you have to wonder how they will be with you. Having baby daddies and baby mommas for that matter does not seem like a good sign that person can make a relationship work.

 

Untouchable fire said 'outside marriage' that can still be a committed relationship rather than a 16 year-old's mistake.

[Woggle]

Untouchable fire said 'outside marriage' that can still be a committed relationship rather than a 16 year-old's mistake.

 

I agree. Some people take marriage seriously and there is nothing wrong with that. I do think it is a red flag that people can so carelessly bring kids into this world to grow up in a fractured environment. It might sound judgmental but a person has to be somewhat judgmental in order not to end up with the wrong person.

[Bgirl]

In the same vien as my last post.

 

John Quincy Adams and John Adams would both be examples of men who did great things though living with their parents until married. Namely they did the united states of America by founding it and being presidents.

 

I think that some ladies here are revealing what their issue is with this.

 

You think that all men who live with family must be unduely influenced by them? Suppose it wasn't a man living with his parents in their house but a man who's parents have moved into his. Would that be different and why? If the man didn't buy the house but pays most of the bills, and keeps his parents out of nursing home out of his set of values.

 

Why is that pathological to some of you? I mean really social anxiety? Where does the man in the OP sound like he has anxiety he has a good job and must be social enough to have met a woman. Someone with real SAD would not be able to do either of those things.

 

Let me turn this on it's head and see if it still holds water.

 

People who don't live with or near any of their family seem odd to me. Unless they are overseas deployed in the millitary or studying abroad or something temporary like that.

 

I mean their own flesh and blood aren't good enough for them or something? They don't get along with their own family well enough to stay within easy visiting distance. They don't even call or keep in touch with them. What's wrong with such people?

 

They must lack family values and be too selfish to share resources. How can I have a 50/50 partnership with someone who could not even get along with their own mother?

 

They must be so screwed up that their family does not want them around so their damaged goods.

 

Their family must be so screwed up that they don't want to be around their family which means they are damaged goods.

 

They, they, they... it is so easy to follow that word with judgemental, stereotypes isn't it? All of the above is just about as reasonable about "independant" people who don't live with their families as the stuff said about "ma ma's boys" who still do.

 

Let's not personalize this and focus on the OP's question eh?

 

This is VERY true. In general, I tend to look at how guys treat their families and friends, in the long run this is how he will treat me. The guy I used to date before, wouldnt even accept a dinner invitation from his mom on New Year's because is too far.. too far as in 20 minute subway ride? Seriously .. I should have known better then as well. He didn't have a good relationship with his father and could care less about his parents calling.

 

This guy on the other hand, cares too stop by at his sisters house on the weekends to sa hi to his neece and nephew, which to me indicates good family values.. which will then extend to the person he ends up marrying. Now how attached is too attached to his family is what I am trying to determine, I don't want a guy who will ask his mom if he can skip dinner to go out with me.

[Woggle]

You can still live near your family and have an equal relationship with them but to have them support you at 34 just screams of a man who is not ready to grow up.

[Mrlonelyone]

Woggle:

 

Taking on the burden for elderly parents can be the most grown up thing to do.

 

They aren't "supporting" him. He has a good job and the family has a good ammount of money. It's at least as likely that he's paying most of the bills for the house.

 

I for one live with my parents and I pay most of the house hold expenses. Critically if I did not live here I could not pay the real estate taxes on the house and we would loose the house.

 

Many older families are, as they say, house rich but cash poor. Having him live with them means they get some more household cashflow for paying the montly bills and real estate taxes. Without which for all we know they too could loose their house.

 

I also did not ask but does Bgirl live in the UK? If she does then for all we know this guy is a future Baronet or viscount living in his parents estate house.... like this. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Easton_Neston

 

This brings me to another point Bgirl.

 

He may be emotionally separated from his parents more than enough to have a relationship but they may depend on his income in such a way, unknown to you (and not really your business to know about yet) that he can't really physically just move.

 

A man with the traits you value would not choose a relationship over his own flesh and blood, unless that relationship was marriage worthy. If you were his wife you would be the woman of your own house, but until then, as a man of his years knows, he could end up damaging those ties only for you to leave him anyway. That would be foolish on his part.

[Untouchable_Fire]

He lives at home with mommy at the ripe old age of 34. What else is there?

Why would a woman (or a man) be judged for having a kid outside marriage? Almost half of committed couples don't get married nowdays.

 

On that same tone... what kind of good for nothing woman would have a baby and not be with the father? Shouldn't we expect... No... Demand as a society that she make a quality choice and stick to it? Of course not. Nor should we be dogging on this guy because his values are different.

 

So what if he lives with his parents at 34? Alone that says nothing about him. Personally I'd be more worried that he dropped out of university after 2 years.

 

Untouchable fire said 'outside marriage' that can still be a committed relationship rather than a 16 year-old's mistake.

 

What kind of commitment would that be? Pinky swear?

 

I have a friend who is 36 and just had her first baby with the most psychopathic man I've ever seen. She dated him for 2 months and got pregnant before he went crazy, stalker, control freak... nuts. Stupid choices are not just limited to young women.

[Emilia]

On that same tone... what kind of good for nothing woman would have a baby and not be with the father? Shouldn't we expect... No... Demand as a society that she make a quality choice and stick to it? Of course not. Nor should we be dogging on this guy because his values are different.

 

So what if he lives with his parents at 34? Alone that says nothing about him. Personally I'd be more worried that he dropped out of university after 2 years.

 

 

 

What kind of commitment would that be? Pinky swear?

 

I have a friend who is 36 and just had her first baby with the most psychopathic man I've ever seen. She dated him for 2 months and got pregnant before he went crazy, stalker, control freak... nuts. Stupid choices are not just limited to young women.

 

One bad example and you paint everyone with the same brush? Two close friends of mine just got married but not before having kids together outside marriage. What about divorced parents' kids? They can't 'make a marriage work', should they be called irresponsible too?

 

If a man has no desire for independence and to shake off the shackles that having his parents telling him what to do he is either lazy or very weak. Mommy does the washing and mommy checks all the women he dates? Plllllllease. That's an overgrown boy, not a man

[thatone]

 

 

What kind of commitment would that be? Pinky swear?

 

I have a friend who is 36 and just had her first baby with the most psychopathic man I've ever seen. She dated him for 2 months and got pregnant before he went crazy, stalker, control freak... nuts. Stupid choices are not just limited to young women.

 

yeah but he didn't go crazy, he was always crazy. she wanted a baby and never considered him. she was in it for herself.

 

selfishness is #1 reason that relationships fail by such an overwhelming margin that all the other reasons might as well not even be counted.

 

and selfishness has many forms. like living with your parents so you can keep all the money you make, for instance.

[Emilia]

I agree. Some people take marriage seriously and there is nothing wrong with that. I do think it is a red flag that people can so carelessly bring kids into this world to grow up in a fractured environment. It might sound judgmental but a person has to be somewhat judgmental in order not to end up with the wrong person.

 

The reality is that people get divorced too. There is no sure way to judge commitment nowdays I'm afraid

[Lucky_One]

I hope for his sake he is under 16

 

You think that it would be appropriate if he was 17? 18? 19?

 

Sorry, but a girl doesn't come into our home and go upstairs in his bedroom. When he has a home of his own, he may entertain women there.

[Mrlonelyone]

yeah but he didn't go crazy, he was always crazy. she wanted a baby and never considered him. she was in it for herself.

 

selfishness is #1 reason that relationships fail by such an overwhelming margin that all the other reasons might as well not even be counted.

 

and selfishness has many forms. like living with your parents so you can keep all the money you make, for instance.

 

 

The man in the OP sounds like he's spending his money on keeping him and his parents in a home his parents worked to pay off so they could pass it on to him and/or his siblings when the time came.

 

Again why assume the worst because the man lives outside a pattern that our pop culture likes to promote?