A need to say this out loud to the world..

[broken0]

He blamed me for his affair. He said I was emotionally and physically unavailable to him. He said that my coldness towards him drove him away. He said that my unavailability to fulfill his needs made him seek it from someone else. And I believed him. I told myself that yes, I was everything that he said I was because that is how I see it. I admitted to neglect him, to giving him the cold shoulder, to being distant from him. I admitted it because I really did do those things to him. At the very beginning, when he dumped the blame on me, I accepted it without question. I know what he did was wrong but I was willing to bear full responsibility for his action.

 

I cried and asked myself why did it have to happen to me? Why I was so selfish that I did not even think of his feelings and why I was pushing him away. He is a good man that needs to be loved and cared. Why didn’t I show it to him, why didn’t I do it through my actions that I love him. Why did I make him feel unloved? And because of all these, he had to seek solace from someone else. It is not all my fault but I whole heartedly agreed that I was the major contributing factor for his affair.

 

He said that he did tell me how unhappy he was in our relationship. Why didn’t I listen to him? Why didn’t I take steps to make him happy? Why did I just continue being the person that I am, continued to distance myself from him. He wondered if I love him anymore. He told me that he suspected that I was the person having an affair, because I do not seem to care for him anymore. Yes, he did ask me if I did that, but I was mortified and said how you could think that way. He said if that is not the case and that I didn’t wrong him, why am I so cold towards him? I knew that he was unhappy; I knew that he was miserable and I didn’t do anything about it. I took him for granted. And because what he said is the truth, it hurts me so much that I didn’t realize it then that my behavior could cause him to stray.

 

But you know what? Thinking back, how could be put all the blame on me? Even when I was unresponsive to his concerns, he could have make things work with me. If he felt miserable and wanted out, he could have easily said so and break up with me. But he did not do that. He made a conscious choice to have the affair. He made the conscious choice to betray my trust, to hurt me, to torture me. He knew that if I were to find out, it would collapse my world. He knew that he wronged me. But when caught, all the blame was shifted to me.

 

Is that fair? Is that how men deal with affairs? I was so vulnerable when I first found out that I accepted the blame. So vulnerable was I that I said to myself, I drove the love of my life away. My feelings have been like a roller coaster ride. But one thing for sure now is that I do not want to accept the blame anymore. No one relationship is flawless. Men who are unhappy with their relationship deal with it differently. Those who chose to have an affair are nothing but a coward. Seeking an easy way out. I do not want to be anyone’s security blanket anymore.

[bosunmate]

Do not let him put you on a guilt trip, you are not to blame he is the one who invited someone else into your marriage..there is never an excuse for cheating...

[whichwayisup]

You are only responsible for the some of the problems in your marriage, not his 'choice' in cheating. You did not hold a gun to head, force him to cheat. He did that ALL on his own. By choice. He could have spoken up, told you how he felt, that he was feeling neglected, felt you were shutting him out, etc, but no, he chose to handle this in a very selfish way.. THAT is not your fault!

[bentnotbroken]

Own your bad behavior that helped to create the marital problems. Do not own his decision to step outside the marriage. Unless he told he was going to cheat and ask if it was okay with you....you own no of it.

[StoneCold]

He blamed me for his affair. He said I was emotionally and physically unavailable to him. He said that my coldness towards him drove him away. He said that my unavailability to fulfill his needs made him seek it from someone else. And I believed him. I told myself that yes, I was everything that he said I was because that is how I see it. I admitted to neglect him, to giving him the cold shoulder, to being distant from him. I admitted it because I really did do those things to him. At the very beginning, when he dumped the blame on me, I accepted it without question. I know what he did was wrong but I was willing to bear full responsibility for his action.

 

I cried and asked myself why did it have to happen to me? Why I was so selfish that I did not even think of his feelings and why I was pushing him away. He is a good man that needs to be loved and cared. Why didn’t I show it to him, why didn’t I do it through my actions that I love him. Why did I make him feel unloved? And because of all these, he had to seek solace from someone else. It is not all my fault but I whole heartedly agreed that I was the major contributing factor for his affair.

 

He said that he did tell me how unhappy he was in our relationship. Why didn’t I listen to him? Why didn’t I take steps to make him happy? Why did I just continue being the person that I am, continued to distance myself from him. He wondered if I love him anymore. He told me that he suspected that I was the person having an affair, because I do not seem to care for him anymore. Yes, he did ask me if I did that, but I was mortified and said how you could think that way. He said if that is not the case and that I didn’t wrong him, why am I so cold towards him? I knew that he was unhappy; I knew that he was miserable and I didn’t do anything about it. I took him for granted. And because what he said is the truth, it hurts me so much that I didn’t realize it then that my behavior could cause him to stray..

 

Wait a minute Broken.....you yourself...in your own writting stated that you have failed and hurt him many times over. Yes, he is responsible for his own decisions as you are as well. No.... two wrongs dont make a right.....but if you play with fire..... that goes both ways and based on what I read in your story I saw two people playing with fire.

 

 

 

 

But you know what? Thinking back, how could be put all the blame on me? Even when I was unresponsive to his concerns, he could have make things work with me. If he felt miserable and wanted out, he could have easily said so and break up with me. But he did not do that. He made a conscious choice to have the affair. He made the conscious choice to betray my trust, to hurt me, to torture me.

 

The above is so ironic I had to bold the whole thing. Why is it that when someone wrongs their spouse in any other way than cheating...they get a pass?

 

What are you saying here...

 

"Even when I was unresponsive to his concerns, he could have make things work with me."

 

How exactly? You said he addressed it and you ignored him. How can you change things if the other person doesnt want to work on it too? You knew what you did was not good, why didnt you put in any effort to clean this up? why does the onus of fixing problems within a marriage that involves both of you only fall to him?

 

"If he felt miserable and wanted out, he could have easily said so and break up with me."

 

Certainly....but you could have done the same could you not?.... Happy people dont treat their spouse as you outlined and admitted above

 

"He made a conscious choice to have the affair. He made the conscious choice to betray my trust, to hurt me, to torture me."

 

That he did...but didnt you make the concious choice to do the same thing?

 

Is that fair?

 

No but since when is life fair? .....was what you did to him fair?

 

You may call it blame shifting but maybe its just his explanation. I mean you couldnt possibly think that you would do what you did and be able to have any sort of expectation of "fairness" did you?

 

All I see here is a destroyed marriage where both of you played a hand in its destruction.....he did his dirt and you did yours.....

Edited October 24, 2011 by StoneCold

[nofool4u]

But you know what? Thinking back, how could be put all the blame on me?

 

he can't. the state or your relationship is shared 50/50

 

his decision to cheat is all on him. if he didn't like the direction the relationship was going, he should have left.

 

 

I was so vulnerable when I first found out that I accepted the blame.

 

more likely because he gaslighted you and put a guilt trip on you to shift focus away from his lousy character.

 

Those who chose to have an affair are nothing but a coward. Seeking an easy way out. I do not want to be anyone’s security blanket anymore.

 

exactly right. and its good that you found out he is the type of person that would deal with things by cheating now rather than if you had wasted too many years of your life on him.

 

there are men out there that won't cheat and will simply leave if their words aren't getting through. you simply had a little boy by your side that was too much of a coward to have the break up talk with you.

[nofool4u]

The above is so ironic I had to bold the whole thing. Why is it that when someone wrongs their spouse in any other way than cheating...they get a pass?

 

if you could read, you'd see thats not what she is saying. she asked how can he put ALL the blame on her. she fully accepts some of the blame for the state of their relationship.

 

I know you think people that have been cheated on deserve it, but please read better next time.

[StoneCold]

if you could read, you'd see thats not what she is saying. she asked how can he put ALL the blame on her. she fully accepts some of the blame for the state of their relationship.

 

I know you think people that have been cheated on deserve it, but please read better next time.

 

 

Perhaps you should take your own advice...show me where I said all the blame goes back to her. In the beginning of her post she takes responsibility for shunning him...fine...but in the second last paragraph she pretty much dumps it all on him for not "fixing it" or taking "measures" .... and frankly put...the issues she strikes at her Husband in the second last paragraph are also issues she is guilty of as well....

 

In a nut shell her post sounds like this..... "I know I did wrong, and that sucks but hes a 'coward' for not addressing/fixing it" ???

 

So she conciously does wrong and expects other people to show face and fix it?.....I'm sorry whos the coward again?

Edited October 24, 2011 by StoneCold

[ladydesigner]

 

Perhaps you should take your own advice...show me where I said all the blame goes back to her. In the beginning of her post she takes responsibility for shunning him...fine...but in the second last paragraph she pretty much dumps it all on him for not "fixing it" or taking "measures" .... and frankly put...the issues she strikes at her Husband in the second last paragraph are also issues she is guilty of as well....

 

In a nut shell her post sounds like this..... "I know I did wrong, and that sucks but hes a 'coward' for not addressing/fixing it" ???

 

So she conciously does wrong and expects other people to show face and fix it?.....I'm sorry whos the coward again?

 

It sounds like they both had their head stuck in the sand. I'm guilty of this myself and my H cheated on me too. We both accept the blame 50/50 now. Somethings got to change in the marriage though. She needs to give more and he needs to stop cheating, otherwise might as well have an open marriage or divorce.

[MissBee]

He blamed me for his affair. He said I was emotionally and physically unavailable to him. He said that my coldness towards him drove him away. He said that my unavailability to fulfill his needs made him seek it from someone else. And I believed him. I told myself that yes, I was everything that he said I was because that is how I see it. I admitted to neglect him, to giving him the cold shoulder, to being distant from him. I admitted it because I really did do those things to him. At the very beginning, when he dumped the blame on me, I accepted it without question. I know what he did was wrong but I was willing to bear full responsibility for his action.

 

I cried and asked myself why did it have to happen to me? Why I was so selfish that I did not even think of his feelings and why I was pushing him away. He is a good man that needs to be loved and cared. Why didn’t I show it to him, why didn’t I do it through my actions that I love him. Why did I make him feel unloved? And because of all these, he had to seek solace from someone else. It is not all my fault but I whole heartedly agreed that I was the major contributing factor for his affair.

 

He said that he did tell me how unhappy he was in our relationship. Why didn’t I listen to him? Why didn’t I take steps to make him happy? Why did I just continue being the person that I am, continued to distance myself from him. He wondered if I love him anymore. He told me that he suspected that I was the person having an affair, because I do not seem to care for him anymore. Yes, he did ask me if I did that, but I was mortified and said how you could think that way. He said if that is not the case and that I didn’t wrong him, why am I so cold towards him? I knew that he was unhappy; I knew that he was miserable and I didn’t do anything about it. I took him for granted. And because what he said is the truth, it hurts me so much that I didn’t realize it then that my behavior could cause him to stray.

 

But you know what? Thinking back, how could be put all the blame on me? Even when I was unresponsive to his concerns, he could have make things work with me. If he felt miserable and wanted out, he could have easily said so and break up with me. But he did not do that. He made a conscious choice to have the affair. He made the conscious choice to betray my trust, to hurt me, to torture me. He knew that if I were to find out, it would collapse my world. He knew that he wronged me. But when caught, all the blame was shifted to me.

 

Is that fair? Is that how men deal with affairs? I was so vulnerable when I first found out that I accepted the blame. So vulnerable was I that I said to myself, I drove the love of my life away. My feelings have been like a roller coaster ride. But one thing for sure now is that I do not want to accept the blame anymore. No one relationship is flawless. Men who are unhappy with their relationship deal with it differently. Those who chose to have an affair are nothing but a coward. Seeking an easy way out. I do not want to be anyone’s security blanket anymore .

 

I am sorry for all you have gone through. I do think it was reasonable of you to take some of the blame for a lack of communication in your relationship; however, for the actual affair, that is HIS fault! Like you've said...having an affair is but one of the many choices someone has at their disposal: they could leave you, try to talk more etc. Your husband did not seem to do that.

 

I think a marriage should be such that the couple is always taking the temperature of the relationship and checking in with each other. That is very important. When that is done, a space is always available for both people to know if the other feels neglected and can gain feedback. It is very hard to lie or to be blindsided when you have that setup. I try to have a conscious and deliberate space in my relationship where we share what we appreciate as well as what we feel is lacking. So yes...it is up to a couple to provide that type of environment for their relationship to grow and it is both people's responsibility. So yes, when that doesn't happen BOTH are responsible for that breakdown....but the choice to cheat is on that person.

 

Your husband is looking for a cop out and I can't believe he is really completely blaming you. He needs to own his choice....yes he can say he felt neglected and so forth, but to put ALL of it on you is very manipulative and just plain false! It's not true. Do not take it. I don't know if you are planning to reconcile, but if so, he definitely needs to be able to apologize for blaming you and taking sole responsibility for his actions.

[broken0]

Thank you for the responses. I do take responsibilities for his wrongdoing but I have been assuming that it was ALL my fault all along. Yes, I could have done something about it when he told me he was unhappy but I didn't. Partly due to my over confidence that this man that loves me to death will not do this to me. Like I said, I took him for granted. He could have asked for a break up but never did he say that once. All he ever did was to complain about how unhappy he is.

 

Even up till now, he would not give me the full disclosure. I just needed him to admit that he has been having this affair for a full year and a half, and not *a couple of months*. He lied about everything since I found out. I read in another site about the *cheater's paradox* and that is exactly how he is reacting to this.

 

I wrote him a letter, telling him that if we really want to work things out, please be honest about the whole affair. Not telling me what I need to know is not protecting me, but it's a hindrance in allowing me to start the healing process. I know that some women will not want to know everything. It is enough that their spouse admit to cheating.

 

But in my case, he is covering one lie with another. What hurts me most beside his affair, are his lies. If he cannot be honest with me, I don't see a reason why I should help rebuild our relationship. I have all the evidence that this affair has been going on for a longer duration. Phone records and texting data records, coupled with cc statements that indicates he was not at work but was out shopping. And for him to tell me that it just started ... BS.

 

There is a chance for him to make things right, if he comes clean. He doesn't know I have all the evidence against him so I am giving him the very last chance.

[StoneCold]

.....but I have been assuming that it was ALL my fault all along. ..

 

OK so by you saying you assumed it was all your fault, would it be safe to say that he never actually said it was indeed ALL your fault?

[broken0]

OK so by you saying you assumed it was all your fault, would it be safe to say that he never actually said it was indeed ALL your fault?

 

He said it right to my face that I was the reason he cheated and by assuming, I meant at that time, I really think it was ALL my fault. I did not even think that he did it because he was selfish. I said to myself that because of the way I am, I pushed him away and that was the sole reason why he cheated.

[Lucky_One]

If he was the "love of your life" and if the thought of his cheating tortures you, then why were you ever cold and why were you pushing him away and being emotionally and physically unavailable to him?

 

That doesn't make sense to me. Most people who are with the love of their lives enjoy being together, enjoy making love to each other, enjoy supporting each other.

 

What was the reason behind your actions?

 

(I am not excusing his EMA, btw; these questions just jumped out at me after reading.)

[seren]

I think a lot of people get comfy, safe and may feel so secure in the marrige that you take your eye off the ball, assume it is ticking along nicely with a need to keep a watch on it. Complacency has been the death of many a relationship or marriage, I hold my hand up to being complacement before H had his A. I too asked and was told reasons for his changed behaviour that made total sense to me. I asked if he wanted to leave, I asked if he wanted a divorce as I blamed myself for him being such a s***. Why? because I loved the bones of him and never, ever thought he would hurt me, so if it wasn't him, It must be me. D Day was a welcome day as it put the pieces together. I accept full responsibility for my contribution to the breakdown in our marriage.. His decision to have an A? no, none, not a tiny bit. He made this decision knowing it would hurt me tremendously, therefore he made an informed choice about somehting he knew would affect our marriage, which in turn would hurt me and our son.

 

Once known I made an informed choice to reconcile with him, but that took truth, without that, you are screwed. I used the Letter To A Wayward Spouse to explain my need for truth and finally H got it. Look it up Broken, it might help.

[Richard Friedman]

I cried and asked myself why did it have to happen to me? Why I was so selfish that I did not even think of his feelings and why I was pushing him away. He is a good man that needs to be loved and cared. Why didn’t I show it to him, why didn’t I do it through my actions that I love him. Why did I make him feel unloved? And because of all these, he had to seek solace from someone else. It is not all my fault but I whole heartedly agreed that I was the major contributing factor for his affair.

 

But you know what? Thinking back, how could be put all the blame on me? Even when I was unresponsive to his concerns, he could have make things work with me. If he felt miserable and wanted out, he could have easily said so and break up with me. But he did not do that. He made a conscious choice to have the affair. He made the conscious choice to betray my trust, to hurt me, to torture me. He knew that if I were to find out, it would collapse my world. He knew that he wronged me. But when caught, all the blame was shifted to me.

 

 

Do you have kids? If so then why should he lose the right to see them every day because YOU did not fulfill your marital responsibilities? If he had built up a business why should he have lost half of that because you decided to pull a bait and switch? And don't pay attention to nonsense about how men are not obligated to get sex from their wives. We have many times more testosterone in our bodies. WE need sex in a way women cant understand. If a man is halfway desirable then he can get regular sex with some women. If he chooses to forgo all his options and commit to one woman, you can bet he's going in with the expectation she'll take care of him. of course what he did wasn't right, but for most married men its a lose lose situation with the laws in this country. You'll get a ton of feel good, he's-a-bastard responses any they have some truth, but I encourage you to look at your part as well. IMO married people who refuse sex with their souses and are physically capable deserve to get cheated on.

[frozensprouts]

Do you have kids? If so then why should he lose the right to see them every day because YOU did not fulfill your marital responsibilities? If he had built up a business why should he have lost half of that because you decided to pull a bait and switch? And don't pay attention to nonsense about how men are not obligated to get sex from their wives. We have many times more testosterone in our bodies. WE need sex in a way women cant understand. If a man is halfway desirable then he can get regular sex with some women. If he chooses to forgo all his options and commit to one woman, you can bet he's going in with the expectation she'll take care of him. of course what he did wasn't right, but for most married men its a lose lose situation with the laws in this country. You'll get a ton of feel good, he's-a-bastard responses any they have some truth, but I encourage you to look at your part as well. IMO married people who refuse sex with their souses and are physically capable deserve to get cheated on.

 

what "obligations" does a man have to his wife? If he doesn't meet them, does HE deserve to get cheated on?

 

"bait and switch"? maybe he's doing it to. maybe a guy was very attentive and loving when the marriage began. maybe he spent lots of time with his wife, maybe there was lots of emotional intimacy ) a need many of us, women and men, have that is just as powerful as the need for sex). maybe after a few years he stops caring s much and starts spending more and more time with his hobbies, going out with the guys, working, etc. Intimacy dries up, so she is not getting her "needs" met. Does this mean she should feel free to cheat because of this? using your logic, she should be, as why she she have to lose time with her kids, have her income lowered, etc. just to get a little bit of intimacy. if the guy doesn't like it, too bad. he deserves it( using your logic)

 

I know many guys don't like to hear it, but a guys sex drive isn't an excuse for every type of bad behavior. If he feels his need for sex isn't being met, he has other options. he can talk to her about it, and if nothing happens, he can separate and then divorce.

 

no one "deserves" to be cheated on. no one deserves to go through all the crap being cheated on causes. Have you ever been cheated on? if not, you have no idea how crappy it is, what the after effects can be. trust me, it really, really sucks, and i find the implications that a woman somehow "deserves it" to be rather nauseating.

Edited October 25, 2011 by frozensprouts

[Foolah]

I was a cheater and i was treated by my husband the way you had treated yours. I don't blame him and it was not his fault i cheated. I really thought he wouldn't care. So because i thought he had no interest in me and was so distant, i didn't believe it mattered to him. We were like room mates for 30 yrs. I didn't even go far out of my way to hide it. And i have told him everything for once the affair was over, and my heart got broken, my husband stepped up to the plate to support me. He, like you, admitted his faults and didn't judge me harshly. But I never blamed him for my needing someone else.

[nofool4u]

 

Perhaps you should take your own advice...show me where I said all the blame goes back to her.

 

you didn't and I never said you did.

 

What you did was insinuate that she thinks she gets a pass for her behavior in the marriage, when the fact is, again if you could read, that she takes responsibility for her behavior and then some.

 

 

 

In the beginning of her post she takes responsibility for shunning him...fine...but in the second last paragraph she pretty much dumps it all on him for not "fixing it" or taking "measures"

 

yes, its obvious you are confused, hence the emoticon.

 

she doesn't dump it all on him. she puts his portion of the blame out there

 

 

 

In a nut shell her post sounds like this..... "I know I did wrong, and that sucks but hes a 'coward' for not addressing/fixing it" ???

 

 

yes, exactly. she did wrong and he did wrong. sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I know it doesn't to you because you are a cheater and rally to the defense of cheaters.

 

 

So she conciously does wrong and expects other people to show face and fix it?

 

Sure, he could have said, "if things don't change, then we need to not be together". But instead he chose to stay in the marriage, but go out and gratify himself, and then blame it on her.

 

 

.....I'm sorry whos the coward again?

 

cheaters

[nofool4u]

It sounds like they both had their head stuck in the sand. I'm guilty of this myself and my H cheated on me too. We both accept the blame 50/50 now. Somethings got to change in the marriage though. She needs to give more and he needs to stop cheating, otherwise might as well have an open marriage or divorce.

 

And I think she realizes all of this. She is wondering how he thinks he can put all the blame on her for his decision to cheat.

[stillafool]

broken0 has your husband moved out of the house and in with the affair partner or are the two of you trying to work it out?

[StoneCold]

you didn't and I never said you did.

 

What you did was insinuate that she thinks she gets a pass for her behavior in the marriage, when the fact is, again if you could read, that she takes responsibility for her behavior and then some.

 

 

 

 

 

yes, its obvious you are confused, hence the emoticon.

 

she doesn't dump it all on him. she puts his portion of the blame out there

 

Right..she takes responsibility for the repercussions of her actions but not for fixing it in retrospect..... which is bull****. If you take responsibility you take it from beginning to end.

 

You cant go around saying "he should have this, and he should have that and hes a coward" when shes guilty of the same thing; or at least acknowledge what you should have done as well. But I know you cant grasp such a simple concept...even the OP gets it because she later acknowledges this after my first post....so dont bother nofool

 

Got blinders on much?

 

 

 

Sure, he could have said, "if things don't change, then we need to not be together". But instead he chose to stay in the marriage, but go out and gratify himself, and then blame it on her.

 

Right...and she could have said... "Hey I am knowingly treating my husband like ****....I should either change or leave" but she chooses not to do this and then blames him for not fixing "her"

 

 

 

cheaters

 

...and people who expect to get away with doing their dirt and expecting others to clean up thier share of the mess. But this must be a new concept for you and I wouldnt be surpised if you get cheated on again if thats the way you think.

 

Anyways I'm not entertaining this banter with you nofool...you have a blind agenda and clearly have some sort of a non-sexual (I hope) man-crush on me lmao....Plus the OP acknowledged the issues I had concerns with and I dont want my posts to look like a further attack on her....because its not anymore

Edited October 25, 2011 by StoneCold

[nofool4u]

Right..she takes responsibility for the repercussions of her actions but not for fixing it in retrospect..... which is bull****.

 

she did have the thoughts of fixing it due to her actions. she knows, as evidenced by her post, that she needs to change things on her end.

 

 

If you take responsibility you take it from beginning to end.

 

I agree. but it doesn't seem to be happening on his end, which is why she is now frustrated.

 

 

You cant go around saying "he should have this, and he should have that and hes a coward" when shes guilty of the same thing

 

sure she can, because she came to the realization that she was just as wrong, but he hasn't.

 

now if he acknowledged that he is to blame as well, then you'd have a point.

 

so I guess the question to OP is, has your husband at all taken any responsibility for his affair? Or is he still saying, "you pushed me to this" ?

 

or at least acknowledge what you should have done as well. But I know you cant grasp such a simple concept

 

nice try there from someone that can't read what was posted only to seize an opportunity to jump her case in your defense of the fellow cheater.

 

but you are barking up the wrong tree. take the words you spew and apply it to someone that doesn't acknowledge the wrong they did as a BS and wants to put all the blame on their WS for the state of their marriage.

[nofool4u]

Anyways I'm not entertaining this banter with you nofool...you have a blind agenda

 

and you don't hypocrite? ALL you do is jump in and defend cheaters and take shots at people that are betrayed. I mean jesus christ, even when a BS admits they did wrong, its not good enough for you.

 

Do this OP a favor and leave her the hell alone.

 

 

 

Plus the OP acknowledged the issues I had concerns with and I dont want my posts to look like a further attack on her....because its not anymore

 

not anymore, but was. its shouldn't have been an attack on her from the get go as she admitted her wrong doings.

[StoneCold]

LMAO...strategic avoidance of the point....either that or you really are that dense.......be that as it may nice try partner.

 

Anywas as I said I am not engaging you anymore....

Edited October 25, 2011 by StoneCold