A need to say this out loud to the world..

[nofool4u]

LMAO...strategic avoidance of the point....nice try partner.

 

Anywas as I said I am not engaging you anymore....

 

you have nothing to engage with in the first place.

 

but let me ask you this question: if your wife came to you and said, "I admit I haven't been the best wife, I promise, things are going to change"

 

what would your attitude be?

[StoneCold]

you have nothing to engage with in the first place.

 

but let me ask you this question: if your wife came to you and said, "I admit I haven't been the best wife, I promise, things are going to change"

 

what would your attitude be?

 

Whats the point of this question?

[nofool4u]

point being, if she was to say this to her husband, what would be the outcome. so being that you are a cheater who blames his wife, what if your wife would have this grand revelation and want to fix what she did? what would your response be? I mean, you think her cheating husband shouldn't be the one to fix anything after all the evil things his wife did to him, so what if the neglectful wife decided to take it upon herself to accept all the blame and responsibility for fixing things?

 

But I know you don't want to answer the question, and for obvious reasons, so never mind.

Edited October 25, 2011 by nofool4u

[StoneCold]

I know you don't want to answer it, and for obvious reasons, so never mind.

 

oh well.....not my fault you cant answer what your point is because for the life of me I dont know what it is....it just seems like a further thread jack to me as I dont see how that question is emblematic of the story of this thread.

[nofool4u]

I explained my point of the question. Again, you seem to have a comprehension problem.

 

I want to know for all your crap about this wife expecting her H to fix things, since your situation is very similar, since you blame your wife, what if your wife swallowed her pride and decided she needs to be the one to change and vows to make things better for you, would it do any good?

[broken0]

broken0 has your husband moved out of the house and in with the affair partner or are the two of you trying to work it out?

 

He told me that he has ended the affair. In fact, from the text messages, it appears that the OW is trying to end it because she said that he has hurt he so much. My H was the one still pursuing her and asking her to come back to him. Imagine how hurt and painful it was to read those text messages...

 

So, the moment he was caught, the OW is trying to take a break from him but he wouldn't let go of her just yet. He asked her how he could make things better and how he could make her happy again? He said that he love her so much but he can't do anything for her and is sorry to have caused her so much pain.

 

He moved out and we are taking a break from each other. We both needed time to apart to think. I still speak to him through the phone daily and he txt mssg me.

 

And what's funny, not long after I posted this, he called and was singing a different tune. He admitted to being selfsih and that he should have never blame me. And the first thought I had was, instead of relief that he finally gets it, it is one of that the OW left him and now, he has no where to go but to come back to me.

 

How ironic...

Edited October 25, 2011 by broken0

[nofool4u]

Well this is a hard question for me to grasp when it comes to how applicable it is to this thread because...

 

A) Although there are some similarities, my situation is acutally somewhat different from the OPs. Its funny I dont ever remembering posting my entire story here but like a typical LS BS you are...you assume waaay too much;

 

you claimed neglect from your wife, therefore feeling justified in cheating.

 

 

 

B) We are about this close to separating and are not trying to reconcile...this couple is trying to at least (not doing a very good job though)

 

But I'll entertain your question from the angle of what would I do if I were in the Husband's shoes...

 

I am not asking being in her H's shoes. I wanted to know what YOU would do if your wife came to you and said, "you're right, I'm a horrible wife. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this right"

 

but you don't want to answer that based on your situation. instead you answer as if you are OP's husband because you know the outcome is impossible because, well, you are not her husband afterall.

 

 

If I were in his shoes...when asked why I cheated... I'll tell her and will acknowledge that although there were provoking factors it was my choice to make and I'll stand behind that right to the end.

 

you have not exuded this attitude with regards to your wife. you feel justified in cheating. but that isn't the point of the question. I really wanted to know, since you are all about placing blame on the BS, that if your BS folded to your beliefs and vowed to become the better wife as you'd demand of her, if you would stop cheating. I don't think you would as you like it. Therefore making the whole I cheat because you neglect finger pointing of yours a load of bunk. You simply want to have sex with other women. I don't think you are interested in a wife that will bow to your emotional extortion.

 

 

I will also own up to non affair issues I am guilty of and I WILL accept that there was always something else I could have done to fix it but chose not to.

 

ya, if you were THIS woman's husand:o

 

 

If like in the original post my wife acknowledges her contribution but does an about face and blames me for not fixing her issues too (so really she only half did it)... I will put her in her place.

 

wrong, she acknowledges her wrong doing and also his in his attempt to put all the blame on her. he said this to her face.

 

its 50/50. you would have no business putting her in her place as the cheater.

 

 

If she takes responsibility from beginning to end then so be it.

 

and she would be doing so without the husband not taking any responsibility on his end, only to point the finger at her.

 

So what you want is an obedient betrayed spouse.

 

 

Anyway, I'm done. You have nothing to offer this person who admits her role in things, but also acknowledges his role, which he refuses to admit.

[nofool4u]

So back to the original poster, broken0, you need not listen to SC. He is an unremorseful cheating husband who blames his wife for his cheating.

 

Therefore he not interested in hearing anything from you other than that of an obedient and gaslighted wife.

 

You admit your faults, your husband refuses to admit his, therefore you are within your rights to call him on his behavior.

 

If you want to stay married to him, I suggest you sit him down and admit these things to him, but its not going to work if he doesn't own up to his decision and quit blaming you for it.

[nofool4u]

And what's funny, not long after I posted this, he called and was singing a different tune. He admitted to being selfsih and that he should have never blame me. And the first thought I had was, instead of relief that he finally gets it, it is one of that the OW left him and now, he has no where to go but to come back to me.

 

How ironic...

 

He is starting to see the ramifications of his choice, and yes, yours as well.

 

Now that he can admit his role in it, the choice is yours. There would be no reconciliation if he had the attitude that this is your problem alone.

 

I wouldn't stay with a cheater, but this is your choice. and at the very least if you did stay, it couldn't be under his former mindset.

[StoneCold]

:confused:

 

you claimed neglect from your wife, therefore feeling justified in cheating..

 

uhh...no... I claimed neglect from my wife and went out and took my sexlife back....justification had nothing to do with it quite frankly because I could care less about that

 

 

 

 

 

I am not asking being in her H's shoes. I wanted to know what YOU would do if your wife came to you and said, "you're right, I'm a horrible wife. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this right"

 

but you don't want to answer that based on your situation. instead you answer as if you are OP's husband because you know the outcome is impossible because, well, you are not her husband afterall...

 

The reaason why I answered as I did is because my situation is not like hers so what I would do in MY situation is irrelevant...

 

But since you must thread jack.... what I would do is admit the same...but I doubt us doing that would fix my marriage for many, many reasons. However if we both decided to work on the marriage...I would stop

 

What the hell is your point?...

 

oh this foolishness is your "point"....lmao

 

 

 

 

you have not exuded this attitude with regards to your wife. you feel justified in cheating. but that isn't the point of the question. I really wanted to know, since you are all about placing blame on the BS, that if your BS folded to your beliefs and vowed to become the better wife as you'd demand of her, if you would stop cheating. I don't think you would as you like it. Therefore making the whole I cheat because you neglect finger pointing of yours a load of bunk. You simply want to have sex with other women. I don't think you are interested in a wife that will bow to your emotional extortion..

 

Oh this is too funny.... but coming from you I am not surprised...

 

Dont talk like you know me or know how I "feel" or think about things lmao....because you dont.....You are wrong right across the board...Dont even try to argue this because you will lose. Its like saying "I know Eddie Murphy" ..... because you saw him on Pierce Morgan last week LMAO. But I guess I gave you too much credit...

 

So who else do you know nofool? Madonna?...you know the material girl?, Will Smith?, Allen Iverson? Tom Cruise? Michael Vick? You were there at the dog fights werent you? (well in your head at least)

 

 

nice try...thanks for coming out

 

wrong, she acknowledges her wrong doing and also his in his attempt to put all the blame on her. he said this to her face.

 

its 50/50. you would have no business putting her in her place as the cheater...

 

and initially took no responsibility of fixing it in hindsight which is a half assed job of taking "responsibility".

 

It certainly IS 50/50....and because of that I certainly DO have a place putting her in her place if she ever tries to attribute more than my share to me. I'd do it at the drop of a hat and never look back

 

 

 

LMAO... you're a joke nofool...you had a "point" (if thats what you want to call it)...it went nowhere (not surprised)...mainly because its based on day dreams and conjecture (par for the course with you)...... you strategically avoid talking points (nofool strikes again)...why? so that you can continue you're babble (mmm hmm)

 

I'm done with the thread jack....and you

Edited October 25, 2011 by StoneCold

[nofool4u]

point was, it doesn't matter what she would have done. the only thing she could have said to appease a justification cheater like you is "I'm sorry honey, you deserved to get to cheat on me as I am such a horrible wife" And I don't believe for one moment that you are the type of "man" that would try to make things work with your wife if she bent to your will and made all the effort to right her wrong towards her cheating husband. I think it would kill you to have to forsake all other women no matter how good your wife is to you.

 

the fact she expected her WS to also see he played a role ,rather than blaming her, caused you to jump in and dismiss her feelings about his finger pointing.

 

all you care about is telling the BS how they were the ones that caused this, started it, etc, like its a schoolyard fight to say, "well you started it".

 

and why? because you are a cheater. yes, done you are.

 

and again, leave this woman alone. she doesn't need someone like you putting her down. she got enough of that already from her husband.

 

yes, I'm done with you as well here.

Edited October 25, 2011 by nofool4u

[StrongerThanB4]

:confused:

 

 

 

uhh...no... I claimed neglect from my wife and went out and took my sexlife back....justification had nothing to do with it quite frankly because I could care less about that

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The reaason why I answered as I did is because my situation is not like hers so what I would do in MY situation is irrelevant...

 

But since you must thread jack.... what I would do is admit the same...but I doubt us doing that would fix my marriage for many, many reasons. However if we both decided to work on the marriage...I would stop

 

What the hell is your point?...

 

oh this foolishness is your "point"....lmao

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh this is too funny.... but coming from you I am not surprised...

 

Dont talk like you know me or know how I "feel" or think about things lmao....because you dont.....You are wrong right across the board...Dont even try to argue this because you will lose. Its like saying "I know Eddie Murphy" ..... because you saw him on Pierce Morgan last week LMAO. But I guess I gave you too much credit...

 

So who else do you know nofool? Madonna?...you know the material girl?, Will Smith?, Allen Iverson? Tom Cruise? Michael Vick? You were there at the dog fights werent you? (well in your head at least)

 

 

nice try...thanks for coming out

 

 

 

and initially took no responsibility of fixing it in hindsight which is a half assed job of taking "responsibility".

 

It certainly IS 50/50....and because of that I certainly DO have a place putting her in her place if she ever tries to attribute more than my share to me. I'd do it at the drop of a hat and never look back

 

 

 

LMAO... you're a joke nofool...you had a "point" (if thats what you want to call it)...it went nowhere (not surprised)...mainly because its based on day dreams and conjecture (par for the course with you)...... you strategically avoid talking points (nofool strikes again)...why? so that you can continue you're babble (mmm hmm)

 

I'm done with the thread jack....and you

 

THe only person that seems to be babbling and seeking attention on these forums is YOU! The one who has no guilt for cheating on his wife. As a matter of fact..I don;t even believe a word you say. Your a poser pretending to be married ..let alone having an affair..cause you have nothing better to do with your life than stick up for cheaters on an infedility forum.

 

Don't you have some OW to f...k????

[Toodamnpragmatic]

well he did the right thing. Let's look at this like a job. You start and have great hopes. Work hard and are rewarded for your successes and wined, dined and paid well. You move up the ranks and everyone is happy. Then you hit the roadblock. You try and make it work, but things are not improving and management/superiors really don't care. You bring it to people's attention and are met with indifference and are sloughed off.

 

You start looking elsewhere. The company down the street looks interesting and you talk to them. You have no assets with the current company or anything tying you there (i.e. kids).

 

You aren't dumb and just going to leave without a fallback plan, money or a job offer so you pursue the company hard and they do too.

 

You pull the trigger and you tell your company you're gone. Some make a counter offer, some let you walk. Seldom do they scream you betrayed them.

 

I am impressed that the OP was honest in her assessment. Was she completely honest? I don't know, but it was refreshing to read a WOMAN admit her role.

 

Sorry I do not support or condone cheating, but more and more I can empathise as to why it happens.

 

I hope she has learned and grown from this and will be a better person in the end.

Edited October 27, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[StoneCold]

THe only person that seems to be babbling and seeking attention on these forums is YOU! The one who has no guilt for cheating on his wife. As a matter of fact..I don;t even believe a word you say. Your a poser pretending to be married ..let alone having an affair..cause you have nothing better to do with your life than stick up for cheaters on an infedility forum.

 

Don't you have some OW to f...k????

 

 

wait a minute... first I'm a cheater...then, I'm a "poser", then I'm a cheater who needs to go f*ck his OW?

 

Crack kills

[StoneCold]

 

He has to go through a divorce <i>first</i> and wait until then to have a sex life?

 

Why?

 

If that's the "rule" then precisely for whose benefit does the "rule" exist?

 

 

Around here? Rules only exist for the benefit of the "BS"....otherwise they dont quite apply

 

 

Yup....you have indeed entered the twilight zone lmao

 

I've posed those questions many times here (although worded differently)...and to date I have not recieved one solid argument against it...not one. What I have got is a lot of "talking around it", anger, ranting, raving, heavily flawed moralizing due to wild assumptions that are all wrong, and sanctimonious babble...thats it...but no solid argument LMAO

Edited October 27, 2011 by StoneCold

[nofool4u]

So you don't really care about him; it's just that your ego is bruised.

 

If she didn't her feelings wouldn't be so hurt. People tend to get complacent in a marriage. And yes, its only when something huge happens that they finally see.

 

She admitted her wrong. The problem was, her H put it all on her and didn't want to acknowledge that he is responsible for his choices as well.

 

And now he finally has done that. So they are both on the same page. But I gather you could care less about that and are simply a cheater apologist that wants to rub this BS's nose in crap.

 

I mean really, even when a BS admits they were partly responsible for the state of the marriage, and in this case I think she'd agree she was the bigger problem in the marriage, it still isn't good enough for people who excuse cheating.

 

Its like, "admit your responsibility in the state of your marriage!!". then when they do, its like, "oh, ok, well, you don't care about him then!!!" She took the steam out of any excuses, so you just want to find more ways to grill her.

 

why don't you just leave her the hell alone?

[nofool4u]

She admitted she didn't care about him and treated him like cr*p. She understood that his cheating was a direct reaction to her cheating him like cr*p.

 

End of story.

 

no, not end of story, because he was putting HIS decision ALL on her.

 

but even he came around and realized it takes two to tango. he got it, you didn't

[oldshirt]

This is a sad thread really.

 

I just got done posting on the "is cheating justified?" thread and now I see this one.

 

Anyway, I shared my thoughts on that thread so feel free to read that.

 

I don't want to rub salt into your wounds and I certainly don't want to kick someone while they are down.

 

His actions are his and his alone. Neither you nor anyone else forced him to take his penis out of his pants and stick it in some other woman. That was a conscious choice he made and somewhere during the course of his life he probably heard that infidelity causes heartache and problems in marriages.

 

It is not "ALL" your fault. However placing all the blame on him disempowers you. If you blame him for everything then that means that you have no power or control over any of your life and that you are just a cork floating and bobbing in the waters of life being lead to wherever the tides and wind carries you.

 

You DO bare responsibility in creating this situation but in accepting that responsibility you also can empower yourself to do something about it.

 

If you read my post in the other thread I say that if a person no longer has any attraction for their spouse and no longer tries to satisfy them and doesn't want to be bothered by their sexual or other needs, then I don't see how they can state any claim to the other person's sexuality. In other words how can you lay claim to his sexual fidelity if you yourself are not interested in having a sex life with him?

 

How can you say that he must remain faithfull to you and provide you with a home and family life if you have no interest and no sexual intentions with him?

 

Sure, the Morality Police can point fingers at him and say he should have divorced you before sticking it in some other gal but if you have no interest in him why do you care????

 

STDs are not an issue if you aren't having sex with him so that can't be used as an excuse.

 

You didn't care about him untill someone else did.

 

Do you really even care about him now or do you just want to "win?"

 

Do you really want him back as a husband or a partner or do you just want to have day as the scorned woman? Do you just want a little martyrdom as the one who was done wrong?

 

If you don't love him, respect him, admire him, desire him etc etc let him go so he can find someone who does. That will also free you up so that you too can find someone who you will love, respect, admire, desire etc.

 

If you no longer love him and want to be with him then why engage in battle? Why point fingers and lay blame at all?

 

The only answer to that question is to cause him pain. Will you really feel any better knowing that you have inflicted pain on him? Hasn't there been enough pain and anquish for both of you already?

 

Sure what he did was wrong and it hurt you but was there ever really a point before you found out about the affair that you thought that neglecting him and rejecting him was going to bring peace and harmony to the both of you????????????????

[Kitsune77]

Best post I have ever read on here.

 

This is a sad thread really.

 

I just got done posting on the "is cheating justified?" thread and now I see this one.

 

Anyway, I shared my thoughts on that thread so feel free to read that.

 

I don't want to rub salt into your wounds and I certainly don't want to kick someone while they are down.

 

His actions are his and his alone. Neither you nor anyone else forced him to take his penis out of his pants and stick it in some other woman. That was a conscious choice he made and somewhere during the course of his life he probably heard that infidelity causes heartache and problems in marriages.

 

It is not "ALL" your fault. However placing all the blame on him disempowers you. If you blame him for everything then that means that you have no power or control over any of your life and that you are just a cork floating and bobbing in the waters of life being lead to wherever the tides and wind carries you.

 

You DO bare responsibility in creating this situation but in accepting that responsibility you also can empower yourself to do something about it.

 

If you read my post in the other thread I say that if a person no longer has any attraction for their spouse and no longer tries to satisfy them and doesn't want to be bothered by their sexual or other needs, then I don't see how they can state any claim to the other person's sexuality. In other words how can you lay claim to his sexual fidelity if you yourself are not interested in having a sex life with him?

 

How can you say that he must remain faithfull to you and provide you with a home and family life if you have no interest and no sexual intentions with him?

 

Sure, the Morality Police can point fingers at him and say he should have divorced you before sticking it in some other gal but if you have no interest in him why do you care????

 

STDs are not an issue if you aren't having sex with him so that can't be used as an excuse.

 

You didn't care about him untill someone else did.

 

Do you really even care about him now or do you just want to "win?"

 

Do you really want him back as a husband or a partner or do you just want to have day as the scorned woman? Do you just want a little martyrdom as the one who was done wrong?

 

If you don't love him, respect him, admire him, desire him etc etc let him go so he can find someone who does. That will also free you up so that you too can find someone who you will love, respect, admire, desire etc.

 

If you no longer love him and want to be with him then why engage in battle? Why point fingers and lay blame at all?

 

The only answer to that question is to cause him pain. Will you really feel any better knowing that you have inflicted pain on him? Hasn't there been enough pain and anquish for both of you already?

 

Sure what he did was wrong and it hurt you but was there ever really a point before you found out about the affair that you thought that neglecting him and rejecting him was going to bring peace and harmony to the both of you????????????????

[sad puppy]

It is strange that the automatic default is for support for the spouse that purposely chooses celibacy for the rest of their life, yet somehow expects that the other person is to just accept that situation.

 

As I understand, most people marry to combine the intimacy aspect with having a family, pursuing shared goals, ... Intimacy is what distinguishes one relationship from all others in our life.

 

Withholding affection/sex is literally rewriting the contract. It is very unfair if one spouse it to be expected to just go along because the other partner is over it.

 

Sounds like you are, however, owning your faults in the situation so that is a good thing. So, what has happened, what is the status now? Are there kids involved here?

[phillyfan]

He blamed me for his affair. He said I was emotionally and physically unavailable to him. He said that my coldness towards him drove him away. He said that my unavailability to fulfill his needs made him seek it from someone else. And I believed him. I told myself that yes, I was everything that he said I was because that is how I see it. I admitted to neglect him, to giving him the cold shoulder, to being distant from him. I admitted it because I really did do those things to him. At the very beginning, when he dumped the blame on me, I accepted it without question. I know what he did was wrong but I was willing to bear full responsibility for his action.

 

I cried and asked myself why did it have to happen to me? Why I was so selfish that I did not even think of his feelings and why I was pushing him away. He is a good man that needs to be loved and cared. Why didn’t I show it to him, why didn’t I do it through my actions that I love him. Why did I make him feel unloved? And because of all these, he had to seek solace from someone else. It is not all my fault but I whole heartedly agreed that I was the major contributing factor for his affair.

 

He said that he did tell me how unhappy he was in our relationship. Why didn’t I listen to him? Why didn’t I take steps to make him happy? Why did I just continue being the person that I am, continued to distance myself from him. He wondered if I love him anymore. He told me that he suspected that I was the person having an affair, because I do not seem to care for him anymore. Yes, he did ask me if I did that, but I was mortified and said how you could think that way. He said if that is not the case and that I didn’t wrong him, why am I so cold towards him? I knew that he was unhappy; I knew that he was miserable and I didn’t do anything about it. I took him for granted. And because what he said is the truth, it hurts me so much that I didn’t realize it then that my behavior could cause him to stray.

 

But you know what? Thinking back, how could be put all the blame on me? Even when I was unresponsive to his concerns, he could have make things work with me. If he felt miserable and wanted out, he could have easily said so and break up with me. But he did not do that. He made a conscious choice to have the affair. He made the conscious choice to betray my trust, to hurt me, to torture me. He knew that if I were to find out, it would collapse my world. He knew that he wronged me. But when caught, all the blame was shifted to me.

 

Is that fair? Is that how men deal with affairs? I was so vulnerable when I first found out that I accepted the blame. So vulnerable was I that I said to myself, I drove the love of my life away. My feelings have been like a roller coaster ride. But one thing for sure now is that I do not want to accept the blame anymore. No one relationship is flawless. Men who are unhappy with their relationship deal with it differently. Those who chose to have an affair are nothing but a coward. Seeking an easy way out. I do not want to be anyone’s security blanket anymore.

 

Dude he f*cked anotha woman then blamed u. Tht was the only problem 4 u guys - tht he is a nasty POS. And u aint.

 

U dodged a bullet. Go find a betta man.

[Saul Goodman]

It is strange that the automatic default is for support for the spouse that purposely chooses celibacy for the rest of their life, yet somehow expects that the other person is to just accept that situation.

 

As I understand, most people marry to combine the intimacy aspect with having a family, pursuing shared goals, ... Intimacy is what distinguishes one relationship from all others in our life.

 

Withholding affection/sex is literally rewriting the contract. It is very unfair if one spouse it to be expected to just go along because the other partner is over it.

 

Sounds like you are, however, owning your faults in the situation so that is a good thing. So, what has happened, what is the status now? Are there kids involved here?

 

Neglect or cheating? Feces or vomit?

 

How about neither?

Anyway OP, I remember somebody else posting something useful about moving on.

Edited November 16, 2011 by Saul Goodman