Trying To Unfrined and Ex-turned-Friend.....

[Almond_Joy]

Hi Loveshack,

 

My first boyfriend and I broke up about 2 years ago now. He said he wanted to be friends, and I wanted that also. Since the break, I've made numerous attempts to hang out with him - by calling and asking him when he's free, telling him I'd like to see him, being courteous and asking after his family and friends when I talk to him, and asking him about his performances so that I can come show support (he's a musician in a reggae band).

 

He never tells me when he's free if I ask, and a couple of times he agreed to show up and just flaked (he did this all throughout the relationship too, which is a major reason why I broke up with him). He calls me when he wants someone to read over something he's writing or he's trying to find a menu action in a software application....basically when he wants me to do something for him.

 

They're always small things that he asks for, so I don't mind helping him.....but I've beeen getting really irritated that he refers to me as a friend, and that he acts like he really wants to talk to me when he does call. Because I know he doesn't. He doesn't want to be friends and I'm tired of the pretense.

 

Would I seem really bitchy if I called this on the floor, so to speak, and just flat out said "Look, we're not really friends. I don't mind helping you, but we're not really friends." ......? I only worry because he knows ALOT of people in the city we live in, and most of them think he's awesome. I'm worried that if I get on his bad side, he'll carry this impression to anyone else who asks about me, and because they have so much esteem for him, they'll take his impression over mine.

 

Any suggestions are appreciated, thanks.

[cerridwen]

Why don't you make yourself unavailable, for favors or interaction of any sort.

Forget the confrontation, it's not worth it.

 

From what you've written, there's no benefit of keeping this person in your life as he's more foe than friend.

 

Next he asks contacts you, avoid the call or if you answer, explain you're wrapped up with other things at the mo.

Don't offer to do it another time.

Keep making yourself unavailable until he finds someone else to use.

[Almond_Joy]

Why don't you make yourself unavailable, for favors or interaction of any sort.

Forget the confrontation, it's not worth it.

 

From what you've written, there's no benefit of keeping this person in your life as he's more foe than friend.

 

Next he asks contacts you, avoid the call or if you answer, explain you're wrapped up with other things at the mo.

Don't offer to do it another time.

Keep making yourself unavailable until he finds someone else to use.

 

 

I had considered that....but then I run the risk of meeting him in public after months of avoiding him. That'd be awkward, albeit a lot easier to manage overall. And I still run the risk of him spreading malicious information about me. I was thinking being upfront and assertive would offset some of that......but I'm not sure.

[cerridwen]

I had considered that....but then I run the risk of meeting him in public after months of avoiding him. That'd be awkward, albeit a lot easier to manage overall. And I still run the risk of him spreading malicious information about me. I was thinking being upfront and assertive would offset some of that......but I'm not sure.

 

Here's what worries me about being up front:

It might open the floodgates and you'll lose it.

You'll tell him all the hurt surrounding the issue and perhaps get angry to the point where it's difficult to censor yourself.

I don't know how bitchy he is, whether he'd be able to suck it up and not get angry enough to then gossip about you.

But the potential for an argument to erupt is great, imo.

 

If you do the fade-out, but you're very nice every time you see him or run into him, you avoid a potentially damaging conversation, and you leave him with no ammunition to use against you.

[Almond_Joy]

Here's what worries me about being up front:

It might open the floodgates and you'll lose it.

You'll tell him all the hurt surrounding the issue and perhaps get angry to the point where it's difficult to censor yourself.

I don't know how bitchy he is, whether he'd be able to suck it up and not get angry enough to then gossip about you.

But the potential for an argument to erupt is great, imo.

 

If you do the fade-out, but you're very nice every time you see him or run into him, you avoid a potentially damaging conversation, and you leave him with no ammunition to use against you.

 

 

Had not thought of that - and I should've because he does make me very angry, very quickly. I don't know yet how to keep my composure when I'm mad, and the bridge will be irepparably(sp?) burned - there will be no opportunity for civility of any sort at that point.

 

Thank you for the perspective - it;s been a great help.

Edited October 24, 2011 by Almond_Joy