Dont know .

[veryconfusednow]

Hello, I'm very confused and don't know what to do. I'm hoping someone on here has whitnessed this type of situation before and can add some insight. Here's my story:

 

1991- In college, girlfriend leaves for the summer, so I hook up with Anna, of whom I had always wanted to date. Girlfriend comes back, mine & Anna's fling ends. I break up w/ girlfriend & find out through the grapevine that Anna is engaged. I go on.

 

1993- Meet my wife, get married, I love the fact that she loves me so much, and I love her kids. I wonder about Anna, where she is, what she's doing, etc.

 

2008- Life is rolling along, marriage is pretty good, has normal issues, I'm not happy with the sex, wife is in school full time, normal issues, nothing major. I dove back into church at this time, becoming deeply involved. Anna "friends" me on Facebook. We messaged a couple times "how are you, wondered how you were doing, etc". I began looking at Anna's pics on FB once a week.

 

2009- Marriage is ok, intimacy issues, but normal. Wife doesn't like my church involvement, just doesn't like that church. I begin looking at Anna's FB pics twice per week.

 

2010- Wife begins talking divorce over church. She doesn't agree with the church I attend and begins talking divorce in June. I wasn't worried because I thought she was bluffing. At this point, I'm looking at every post and pic that Anna has 3 times per week. College reunion comes up & Anna messages me asking me to come. I really wanted to, and REALLY wanted to see her, but couldn't because of work. Wife and I split up over church stuff in August.

 

2011- Wife moves out in early January over church stuff, I file for divorce. Mid January she decides to ask me to dinner often, wants to talk/text me, etc. Late January, guess what......another college reunion. Before I go, Anna is messaging me "Please go", etc. I go and it was very eventful. Anna and I hugged, her husband saw us. She kept looking back at me while talking to others. I messaged her AT THE TABLE: "My God your beautiful" and awaaaaaay we went.

 

The rest of the night we sat together, texting private thoughts and whispering other thoughts. While her husband was gone to the bar (most of the night) we made plans to see each other again. The next morning, we secretly met on campus & planned to begin a life together. She was/is unhappy in her marriage.

 

Feb 2011- Wife desparately wants me back, I tell her about Anna, she tells me about her stuff, we forgive each other & move back in together.

 

Current- Life is wonderful, marriage is really good, and I have missed Anna really badly. From February until now, I have looked at her pics once a month, then 5 times per month, and as of a month ago, I have been watching everything she posts. Two weeks ago, Anna & I began texting again. This weekend Anna said she doesn't know what to do about her feelings for me, as they are there and not going away. I feel the same way. If I'm happy in my marriage yet still have VERY strong feelings for Anna, what the HELL is wrong with me?

[reboot]

If life is wonderful and your marriage is really good, stop looking at Anna's pics. You're a grown-up right?

[Lucky_One]

I have to echo your other answer. If life is so wonderful and your marriage is so good, then quit looking at the pictures and quit texting. You are CHOOSING to add drama and turmoil to your life.

 

What does your wife think about your FB friendship?

 

And why in the world have you reposted this identical post two hours after you posted the first one?

[veryconfusednow]

Yeah, sorry about the repost. I tried to delete it.

 

The problem is, I just can't stop thinking about her. I got back together with my wife because I thought it was the right thing to do, the "honorable" thing to do. Since February I have tried and tried to ignore my feelings for Anna, telling myself that Anna was just a rebound, that I belonged with my wife. Now I'm not so sure. Each month it gets harder & harder for me to tell myself that "this is nothing". Well, it IS something, both of us can agree on that.

 

Neither of us know what to do.

[frozensprouts]

you sound like you place a lot of value in you church and it's teachings. why not look for your answers there.

 

1. you are married ( i think...kind of confused on that point- did you divorce or not?

 

2. the new object of your interest (anna?) is also married

 

based upon your religious beliefs ( as well as simple human decency) what do you think you should do?

[Lucky_One]

The problem is, I just can't stop thinking about her. I got back together with my wife because I thought it was the right thing to do, the "honorable" thing to do.

 

Neither of us know what to do.

 

You know what? I think you are trying to fool yourself into something - trying to rewrite history.

 

Today, after contact with the OW, you say reconciliation with your wife was the right thing to do, the honorable thing to do.

 

But in January, you made plans with the OW for a new life together. You had already filed for divorce. But barely a few weeks AFTER you make this grand plan, you and your wife move back together and you totally end contact with the woman that you has just planned a new life with.

 

If Anna was so important to you in January, you never, ever would have gotten back together with your wife, especially since you had already filed for divorce.

 

I think that now you are bored, just like you were before, and the sex has lost its reincarnated sizzle, and you like the feelings that the secret flirtation gives you.

 

You yourself said here that life is wonderful and your marriage is really good. IMHO, you got a taste of the cake back last year, and you want to keep sticking your finger in the icing bowl.

[veryconfusednow]

Maybe you're right. And that's what I'm trying to figure out here.....when we moved back in together, I decided to just ignore it. Well, that didn't work for very long. I just keep going back there, wondering what if? On a tv show recently, the man tells the woman that she now has his heart. She says that she will take good care of it. He turns to her and says: "It has always belonged to you"......I nearly fell over right then. It hit me hard, is this what has happened to me? I gave this woman my heart a long time ago & she still has it 20 years later? THAT is what I feel like....

[reboot]

Life is not a TV show.

 

You're a man, not a lower animal. You CAN control what you do, how you act, who you are with. This is a massive cop out because you don't want to control yourself.

[Lucky_One]

Again, you are rewriting history. You cheated on your GF with Anna, for one summer. When your GF came back into town, you dumped Anna.

 

If Anna was the "holder of your heart", then you wouldn't have dumped her to stay with your GF.

 

You are romanticizing the situation.

 

In all seriousness, WHO in the their right, logical, and stable minds meets for the first time in 20 years and makes plans to build a life together? People take longer to plan a two week vacation.

 

Relationships are like ocean waves, with crests and troughs. You hit a trough, and you have forgotten the glory of riding your wife's crest with the sun hot on your back. You are staring down the beach at some other dude who is riding a great wave, and you want THAT crest. But when you take your board down the beach and go back in to ride that wave, you will hit the same trough.

[make me believe]

Maybe you're right. And that's what I'm trying to figure out here.....when we moved back in together, I decided to just ignore it. Well, that didn't work for very long. I just keep going back there, wondering what if? On a tv show recently, the man tells the woman that she now has his heart. She says that she will take good care of it. He turns to her and says: "It has always belonged to you"......I nearly fell over right then. It hit me hard, is this what has happened to me? I gave this woman my heart a long time ago & she still has it 20 years later? THAT is what I feel like....

 

Oh please. You don't even KNOW Anna. You cheated on your girlfriend with her for a couple months in college 20 years ago. That's it. I agree with LuckyOne, you are totally romanticizing this situation & rewriting history because your marriage has hit a dull/rough patch. If you and Anna were so "meant to be" then why didn't it work out before? Why did you ever get back together with your college girlfriend after cheating on her with the "holder of your heart"?

 

The bottom line is if you are serious about your marriage, you need to cut ALL contact with Anna. Delete her from facebook, delete her phone number, etc. Cold turkey. Stalking her facebook is completely disrespectful to your wife. Texting her sweet nothings while her husband was sitting right next to her is disgustingly disrespectful to everyone involved. If you think you and Anna are "meant to be," then divorce your wife, and after Anna divorces her husband (neither of these situations will ever happen, IMO), you two can start building a relationship together.