Exposure: good for the goose...

[Snowflower]

I always get a chuckle when I read about an OW referring to her boyfriend or perhaps more accurately, married boyfriend.

 

As much as she might wish that he was only hers by referring to him as "her boyfriend" he is still married and no amount of labeling is going to change that fact.

[bentnotbroken]

I agree with you and Owl. He is not her boyfriend. He is his wives husband. The only thing he is to her is a well kept secret. When he divorces and sees her he can be the 'boyfriend'.

 

 

You know I usually agree with you and Owl, but his time I think the term boyfriend is on the money. I just the emphasis should be placed on "boy" with coping skills, facing issues and lying all to match the things that are typically associated with someone of a lesser maturity level(age). Boyfriend seems to be perfect IMO.

[2sure]

I have heard in real life and read on here many many OW refer to MM as "boyfriend". Ive never had issue with it and in fact when I was OW used the term myself. Just for convenience. Whether I approve or not I still have married women friends who have OM and they use the term often (right along with a few others) .

 

Also, when I was OW, MM would use the term "girlfriend" sometimes either because whoever I was being introduced to didnt know he was married or because they didnt matter. I could tell they got a big kick out of using the term.

 

BUT. Never, in all of my years of working around men , having MM friends and coworkers who did not hide from me that they were having some kind of an affair...have I heard a MM call his OW "girlfriend" when referring to her. It was/is always "my friend". I mean, even here...it is OW who use that sort of term. Not the MM.

 

Again, Im just pointing this out. My own question to my answer is WTF?

[findingnemo]

If you expose an affair I think it is important to practice detachment. Simply state what you know. Don't pretend to know anything. When I emailed the BS I stated this is what he told me. I have no idea if this is the truth. I don't know what to believe. All I know is that he has not been honest with me.

 

I gave her some facts (mostly dates and times to establish credibility) I included nothing illicit. I was not accusatory and laid no claim to her husband. I stated that he presented himself as divorced. That later I found evidence to the contrary. When confronted he said it was in name only and feared telling me and that it was being taken care of. Because I believed he and I were in a relationship and I had a past with him going back 18 years, I approached her in a similar way a BS would an OW. I just want to know the truth?

 

She never contacted me. He did. I to this day don't know what actually went down between them. I just know he was back in my life soon after. You can't control the outcome or how BS will react. But you can control your actions. You can refuse to participate in his deception, seeking the truth for yourself. Maybe it forces them to face issues in their marriage and they reconcile. Maybe she kicks him out. Maybe he decides to leave. The point is you expose the truth not to dictate an outcome, but to shed light on deception.

 

Mzdolphin,

 

That was the best way to expose. Thank you for telling us how you did it. It makes no sense to expose with the purpose of hurting someone you don't know. Exposure should be about ending the lies. I like your phrase, "to shed light on deception". The outcome should be to live in truth. That's really the only thing in the AP's control.

 

If MM comes back ( something that hadn't occurred to me when I posted the OP), then at least the BS knows.

[findingnemo]

FN, hopefully not a t/j....

 

I am here to assert there is a great likelihood that you were explained away....she developed a crush on me...she assumed I was divorced....I never said that....just friends....I can't help someone falling for me....a total misunderstanding on her part....she's more than a little unstable....What am I suppose to do, I work with her?!...Sure we had dinner/lunch...we were discussing the project.....

 

As a spouse attracted to her H, of course she finds him handsome and charming and knows, or has seen first hand how women react to him.

 

When you love and trust someone, it oh-so-easy to be gaslighted. Did you send any HARD evidence....romantic emails, cell phone bills? Anything to substantiate your credibility?

 

Because had I not had hard evidence garnered on my own, the OW in my sitch could have easily been explained away.

 

....just saying....

 

No Spark, definitely not a t/j.

 

I didn't expose. I should have in hindsight. I should have exposed when we had an R before he was M. I should have exposed when the A started. That's the first thing I thought when I read about the concept. Thus the question.

 

Exposing now seems to me malicious since the A is over.

[findingnemo]

Calling MM a boyfriend? That sounds so wrong on so many levels for me. For one thing, I last had a boyfriend when I was what? 20 years old?

 

I just called xMM...nothing. When I talked about him I used his name or simply "the man I love" to my friends. I couldn't call him my lover as that is considered a bit scandalous here. We weren't engaged so "fiancé" was out.

 

I hadn't noticed anyone referring to MM as a "boyfriend".

[Silly_Girl]

I agree with you and Owl. He is not her boyfriend. He is his wives husband. The only thing he is to her is a well kept secret. When he divorces and sees her he can be the 'boyfriend'.

 

This did make me laugh. As if I (or my son, come to that) am a 'well-kept secret' after meeting about 50 aunts and uncles and cousins and oldest school/uni friends at a family wedding, or the other people we've got to know at the get-togethers we've been to. All of whom know he has been separated for quite a while.

 

I realise these things get jumped on by certain folk and has an importance for them that they need, but really, in real life, life goes on and is a lot bigger than this sort of pettiness.

[Got it]

I disagree.

 

Perception becomes reality. If you continually focus on one aspect of a situation or person, you can easily minimize (in your mind) the aspects that you ignore.

 

 

People do this all the time in the limerance or "in love" stage of a relationship.

 

It's much easier for her to "claim" the man she sees as "her boydriend" than it would be for her to "claim" a man she views as "Mrs Jone's husband". Much easier to view yourself in an emotional relationship with the first over the latter.

 

And why would one care to consider them as the latter? Actually having been in an affair so having direct involvement as such it is not something that one can say 1,000 times and in some way change the fact the other person is married.

 

Why would I have called dMM " so and so's husband"? That is a mouthful and really does have anything to do with my reference to his connection to me. His name isn't "so and so's husband". So since the husband title, is just that a title or label, being called boyfriend is that as well. Regardless of moral assumptions or opinions the labels are neutral and really don't mean any more than just that.

 

DMM was, at one times, someone's husband and by definition my boyfriend. One obviously doesn't necessarily negate the other; moral condemnations aside.

[Got it]

And to help clear up any confusion, the definition of the word boyfriend:

 

boy·friend [ bóy frènd ]

1. intimate male friend: a man with whom somebody has a romantic or sexual relationship
   

 

Synonyms: steady, date, suitor, escort, beau, fiancé, partner, mate, male friend

 

I think that this label is used rather correctly based on the definition.

[MissBee]

I have heard in real life and read on here many many OW refer to MM as "boyfriend". Ive never had issue with it and in fact when I was OW used the term myself. Just for convenience. Whether I approve or not I still have married women friends who have OM and they use the term often (right along with a few others) .

 

Also, when I was OW, MM would use the term "girlfriend" sometimes either because whoever I was being introduced to didnt know he was married or because they didnt matter. I could tell they got a big kick out of using the term.

BUT. Never, in all of my years of working around men , having MM friends and coworkers who did not hide from me that they were having some kind of an affair...have I heard a MM call his OW "girlfriend" when referring to her. It was/is always "my friend". I mean, even here...it is OW who use that sort of term. Not the MM.

 

Again, Im just pointing this out. My own question to my answer is WTF?

 

 

That's interesting....

 

To speak on that whole matter....it is a bit irksome but I get Got It's point. When I was in the A, he actually was the one who insisted on calling me his "girlfriend" and I felt very strange about it...as for me, it felt like a lie! I was ever-aware of his status and calling him my boyfriend just seemed crazy to me.

 

I didn't actually ever use the term until he came to visit once and I had to introduce him....then, like Got It mentions, that term was the only convenient term to use, so I did it but with a bit of apprehension. Every time I said it, it felt like a lie, but by the end of the trip (like Owl points out)....it became more normal and actually had a power of convincing and making me forget a little that he wasn't completely MY boyfriend. So I agree with both of the points...it can be about mere labeling and convenience and it can also function as a device to minimize the fact that he is with someone else primarily.

[Got it]

That's interesting....

 

To speak on that whole matter....it is a bit irksome but I get Got It's point. When I was in the A, he actually was the one who insisted on calling me his "girlfriend" and I felt very strange about it...as for me, it felt like a lie! I was ever-aware of his status and calling him my boyfriend just seemed crazy to me.

 

I didn't actually ever use the term until he came to visit once and I had to introduce him....then, like Got It mentions, that term was the only convenient term to use, so I did it but with a bit of apprehension. Every time I said it, it felt like a lie, but by the end of the trip (like Owl points out)....it became more normal and actually had a power of convincing and making me forget a little that he wasn't completely MY boyfriend. So I agree with both of the points...it can be about mere labeling and convenience and it can also function as a device to minimize the fact that he is with someone else primarily.

 

In my case, dMM has always called me girlfriend, during and after the EMR. I have rarely called him boyfriend as I find the terminology stilted and pedantic so I don't choose to use it.

 

If one is going to minimize, labeling as well as a multitude of other ways will be done to try and change the reality of one's situation. But there are some people who accept the reality and work within it. For me, I never wanted to forget or alter the reality of the situation. I kept my feet firmly planted on the ground. It would never have been in my best interest to view things any other way.

 

Calling one's MM boyfriend is really the tip of the iceberg and all of this really seems to be much ado about nothing outside of another item up for moral condemnation.

 

Lima Charlie!

[Elizabeth Southerns]

 

BUT. Never, in all of my years of working around men , having MM friends and coworkers who did not hide from me that they were having some kind of an affair...have I heard a MM call his OW "girlfriend" when referring to her. It was/is always "my friend". I mean, even here...it is OW who use that sort of term. Not the MM.

 

My experience is the exact opposite. MMs refer to their OWs as their GFs all the time IME - so as to distinguish them from their Ws, when speaking with friends:

 

"Yes, I went to that restaurant with my GF, we had a really good time. The food was much better than at [another restaurant] where my W and I went last week, and the atmosphere was perfect."

 

The OW OTOH is more likely to refer to the MM as "my lover" or "my man".

 

But it may be a cultural thing.

[2sure]

[QUOTE=Elizabeth Southerns;3708161]My experience is the exact opposite. MMs refer to their OWs as their GFs all the time IME - so as to distinguish them from their Ws, when speaking with friends:

 

"Yes, I went to that restaurant with my GF, we had a really good time. The food was much better than at [another restaurant] where my W and I went last week, and the atmosphere was perfect."

 

 

 

Hmm. Yes, possibly a cultural difference as you mentioned. Affairs in my country are hidden and secret, usually part of the appeal, so people dont mention the OW in conversation and certainly not in the same conversation with thier wives.

 

Other cultures, where affairs are common & accepted , or in open marriages...there is no secret to be kept from others.

[Silly_Girl]

the term "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" seem kind of immature to me, no matter what the marital status is of the two adults who are seeing each other.

 

I'm just not sure what other terms could be used

 

a friend of mine introduces the guy she is seeing as " and this is "John", the guy I'm seeing"...that seems to work for her

 

In both my social and work settings it tends to be

 

'bloke I'm seeing'

 

They graduate to 'boyfriend'

 

If you live together and/or have kids together it's 'partner' (which I hate) or 'other half'

 

If you're engaged/married obviously 'fiancé'/'husband'.

[Got it]

I should hope she isn't dating any one of those people:laugh:

 

 

yeah well. . . you never know . . . whatever floats your boat . . .

[Got it]

I prefer ole ball and chain for whatever level . . . somehow they never like that.

 

Oh . . . or the warden. That one gets great results as well.

[Silly_Girl]

I prefer ole ball and chain for whatever level . . . somehow they never like that.

 

Oh . . . or the warden. That one gets great results as well.

 

Or I say I'm their 'carer'

[Owl]

True...but then the OW would be required to call the man she's dating "the cheating b@st@rd"...and he'd likely be less appreciative as well.

 

Let's still try to be civil and not REALLY calling names, shall we?

Edited November 4, 2011 by Owl

[thomasb]

True...but then the OW would be required to call the man she's dating "the cheating b@st@rd"...and he'd likely be less appreciative as well.

 

Let's still try to be civil and not REALLY calling names, shall we?

 

Oh, very good, owl.... speaking as one at one time...

[Got it]

True...but then the OW would be required to call the man she's dating "the cheating b@st@rd"...and he'd likely be less appreciative as well.

 

Let's still try to be civil and not REALLY calling names, shall we?

 

Umm, who is calling names? I said I use that terminology for the men I date, marry, etc. All equal. I am not calling anyone else that.

[Got it]

I prefer ole ball and chain for whatever level . . . somehow they never like that.

 

Oh . . . or the warden. That one gets great results as well.

 

Oh and if any confusion, the use of the pronoun "they" was about men or men I am with. It is not indicative of anyone else.

 

Carry on. (It was a joke. Obviously one that fell flat but an attempt nonetheless.)