Oh Boy! Where do things go from here?

[stingray]

I feel like I have really screwed my mind up... History: I have known this guy for about 5 years, we have grown to be very good friends over the past year. (we are both married) Within the last few months, he started calling me his best friend, and other nicknames. I considered him one of my closest friends, we have a lot in common, business, hobbies, etc. Well, being how I am (a bit insecure) I started eating the words and actions up. I honestly never found him sexually attractive or even thought he was good looking, but that has changed now since things have crossed that "friendly line". We started working together on a project and things escalated from there. (flirting) I will certainly not blame him, we both definitely let things go too far.

 

We hung out a lot, and have talked to each other every single day over the past 3 months. Well, about 3 weeks ago he started to act different, and we talked on the phone and he told me that he was worried about how things were going between us. He told me that he didn't like the feeling of wishing his wife would hurry and go to work so he could see me, and was concerned that things could escalate to feeling more than just friends for each other. (I didn't think I felt more for him at that time... yeah right) He also sent me a text letting me know that we had talked on the phone for over 24 hours last month. Now he has started to withdraw a bit and I have found myself going into desperation mode. I felt insulted and somewhat rejected. Obviously I felt more for him than I thought and have started to act clingy. He has literally sat on the phone with me for over an hour (more than once) trying to reassure me that he still thinks of me the same way and he's just trying to cool it a bit. ...and every time, he tells me that even though he really dislikes drama, conflict, etc., he will stay on the phone with me until I feel better because he doesn't want me to feel bad.

 

I know that the situation was just "Fun" for him, he has told me that more than once. Unfortunately, I stupidly let my emotions get the best of me... It is very hard for me to feel like I'm being pushed away even though I know it is for a good reason. I know this is extremely unhealthy for all involved and I need advice on how to get over this. I can't even talk to him without feeling completely awkward.

[findingnemo]

Hi Stingray,

 

Welcome to LS. There'll be stories you'll read about how much it hurts to be involved with a MP (married person). Yours has to be the first I've read so far where the A hasn't even began and the MP is putting brakes on the inevitable outcome of interacting the way the two of you are doing.

 

He's your friend and you like him. Listen to him and work at NOT escalating things. Those hour-long phone calls are bad news. First of all, he is slowly but surely losing the battle of not getting more emotional about you. You are actually helping him move towards having an A by clinging on to him for a closeness that goes beyond the call of duty of a male friend. I'm sorry if it's not what you want to hear but it's the truth. Put some distance between the two of you. At work, act professional and tell him you think he's right about the direction it is all taking. Then read more on this forum to learn what will be in store for you if you go ahead and have an A. The stories will make you cry. I personally find the Infidelity sub-forum very hard to read. But it's given me insight into what a BS feels and goes through.

 

Good luck. I pray that you'll work through the pain and limit it to what you feel right now.

[jwi71]

I feel like I have really screwed my mind up... History: I have known this guy for about 5 years, we have grown to be very good friends over the past year. (we are both married) Within the last few months, he started calling me his best friend, and other nicknames. I considered him one of my closest friends, we have a lot in common, business, hobbies, etc. Well, being how I am (a bit insecure) I started eating the words and actions up. I honestly never found him sexually attractive or even thought he was good looking, but that has changed now since things have crossed that "friendly line". We started working together on a project and things escalated from there. (flirting) I will certainly not blame him, we both definitely let things go too far.

 

We hung out a lot, and have talked to each other every single day over the past 3 months. Well, about 3 weeks ago he started to act different, and we talked on the phone and he told me that he was worried about how things were going between us. He told me that he didn't like the feeling of wishing his wife would hurry and go to work so he could see me, and was concerned that things could escalate to feeling more than just friends for each other. (I didn't think I felt more for him at that time... yeah right) He also sent me a text letting me know that we had talked on the phone for over 24 hours last month. Now he has started to withdraw a bit and I have found myself going into desperation mode. I felt insulted and somewhat rejected. Obviously I felt more for him than I thought and have started to act clingy. He has literally sat on the phone with me for over an hour (more than once) trying to reassure me that he still thinks of me the same way and he's just trying to cool it a bit. ...and every time, he tells me that even though he really dislikes drama, conflict, etc., he will stay on the phone with me until I feel better because he doesn't want me to feel bad.

 

I know that the situation was just "Fun" for him, he has told me that more than once. Unfortunately, I stupidly let my emotions get the best of me... It is very hard for me to feel like I'm being pushed away even though I know it is for a good reason. I know this is extremely unhealthy for all involved and I need advice on how to get over this. I can't even talk to him without feeling completely awkward.

 

Well, what do YOU want?

Do you want to cheat on your H?

Or do you want to IMPROVE your M?

 

Which is it?

[stingray]

Thank you for your replies...

 

findingnemo: What you said, is exactly what I need to hear. I truly consider him one of my best friends and I want to respect his decisions. I feel really selfish, by "forcing" him to listen to my insecurities and constantly begging for reassurance that we are still friends. I am actually utterly embarrassed that I have acted so foolish! That is why I posted today. I don't want to ruin a friendship and am trying to figure out how I need to proceed. Space is probably the best thing right now, I just have a hard time because I translate "space" into "I don't want anything to do with you anymore" (my insecurities!)

 

jwi71: Well, I really think I was craving attention and no, I don't want to cheat. But feel like I have because I am emotionally attached to my friend. My husband is a good man and I know he loves me, I want to work on getting the spark back into our marriage. I think we have hit a "flatline" stage in our marriage. Kinda like a, "I know you're there, you know I'm here" attitude.

[whichwayisup]

I feel like I have really screwed my mind up... History: I have known this guy for about 5 years, we have grown to be very good friends over the past year. (we are both married) Within the last few months, he started calling me his best friend, and other nicknames. I considered him one of my closest friends, we have a lot in common, business, hobbies, etc. Well, being how I am (a bit insecure) I started eating the words and actions up. I honestly never found him sexually attractive or even thought he was good looking, but that has changed now since things have crossed that "friendly line". We started working together on a project and things escalated from there. (flirting) I will certainly not blame him, we both definitely let things go too far.

 

We hung out a lot, and have talked to each other every single day over the past 3 months. Well, about 3 weeks ago he started to act different, and we talked on the phone and he told me that he was worried about how things were going between us. He told me that he didn't like the feeling of wishing his wife would hurry and go to work so he could see me, and was concerned that things could escalate to feeling more than just friends for each other. (I didn't think I felt more for him at that time... yeah right) He also sent me a text letting me know that we had talked on the phone for over 24 hours last month. Now he has started to withdraw a bit and I have found myself going into desperation mode. I felt insulted and somewhat rejected. Obviously I felt more for him than I thought and have started to act clingy. He has literally sat on the phone with me for over an hour (more than once) trying to reassure me that he still thinks of me the same way and he's just trying to cool it a bit. ...and every time, he tells me that even though he really dislikes drama, conflict, etc., he will stay on the phone with me until I feel better because he doesn't want me to feel bad.

 

I know that the situation was just "Fun" for him, he has told me that more than once. Unfortunately, I stupidly let my emotions get the best of me... It is very hard for me to feel like I'm being pushed away even though I know it is for a good reason. I know this is extremely unhealthy for all involved and I need advice on how to get over this. I can't even talk to him without feeling completely awkward.

 

The situation was 'fun' for you too, an ego boost, a nice feeling to connect with someone else other than your husband.

 

This guy is being SMART. He sees the potiential and the danger of this situation, what could happen so he's back off and realized what he is doing is wrong and inappropriate. GOOD FOR HIM for realizing this before things get out of control.

 

Take it personally, be insulted, be upset.. But he has done nothing wrong here. He woke up and saw what damage an affair would bring so he's chosen to detach and put his wife and her feelings first. I suggest you do the same, put your husband and his feelings first and learn boundries. A man should not be your bestfriend, your H should be or another female friend.

 

I am glad that you see why he's doing this, just don't take it out of context. This is your ego hurting, the habit of having him close to you.. Focus that energy into your marriage and into yourself. Find out why you allowed feelings to grow for another man and why you had an EA (emotional affair) with this guy.

 

Was it truly a case of spending too much time together and liking him? Allowing feelings to grow daily and bond with him? If yes, then you DO need to learn boundries and not be so open with men.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for your replies...

 

findingnemo: What you said, is exactly what I need to hear. I truly consider him one of my best friends and I want to respect his decisions. I feel really selfish, by "forcing" him to listen to my insecurities and constantly begging for reassurance that we are still friends. I am actually utterly embarrassed that I have acted so foolish! That is why I posted today. I don't want to ruin a friendship and am trying to figure out how I need to proceed. Space is probably the best thing right now, I just have a hard time because I translate "space" into "I don't want anything to do with you anymore" (my insecurities!)

 

jwi71: Well, I really think I was craving attention and no, I don't want to cheat. But feel like I have because I am emotionally attached to my friend. My husband is a good man and I know he loves me, I want to work on getting the spark back into our marriage. I think we have hit a "flatline" stage in our marriage. Kinda like a, "I know you're there, you know I'm here" attitude.

 

The friendship is over. You two crossed the line..Sure there was no kissing or an actual physical affair, but you both got attached and both thought of the what if's...

 

Space and not talking to him about this. You shouldn't have to hang on to a friendship so tightly, in fear that you'll lose it.. Fact is, the friendship IS unhealthy and a cancer to your marriage. I hope you see this? The damage it's already caused is there. YOu're more emotionally attached to this MM than to your own husband.

 

Spend that energy into your husband, go on a trip and have fun. Reconnect and remember why you fell in love with your H and why you married him.

[MissBee]

You admit clinginess, insecurity and neediness. I think these issues are best addressed in some counseling, by yourself and then with your husband. I too have suffered from that and it is not a good feeling, and worst, no outside person can ever "make you feel secure", as the problem is with you. This type of thing drains ALL relationships. The OM had to be reassuring you for an hour...and most likely it wouldn't be the first time...you'd eventually end up draining him and pushing him away. Likewise, even if your husband loves you, if you are insecure and clingy, it will be VERY EASY (like now) for you to feel rejected and ignored and make overly high demands on him that are unrealistic...then seek to fill that void elsewhere.

 

I can recall in the past, when those feelings were at a high for me, the MINUTE I felt like my boyfriend wasn't as attentive, I went into overdrive believing he was cheating, he didn't love me etc and almost automatically I'd start flirting with other men more for that attention and validation. I grew to realize that it was ME and that until I worked through that, I was a bucket with a hole in it and no amount of love and attention a man poured into me (short of him doing it 24/7) would make me feel secure. As fast as he showered me with love and attention, as fast as it leaked right back out.

 

It seems like the same is going on with you...and believe me....no new man will help as you'll eventually start feeling the same way with them too. It doesn't seem like your husband is the problem, it seems like you just need to address this void and then BOTH of you need to address it together so that you can learn ways to be present in the relationship and love and care for each other and make each other feel secure without resorting to outside people.

[stingray]

Yes, I understand that he was much SMARTER than I was... and I know that I shouldn't expect sympathy. I got myself into a situation and unfortunately it now hurts, I wish it didn't, it's too late for that. It's just difficult because we have to see each other all the time... ugh. But like my Mother always told me... JUST BUCK UP.

[stingray]

MissBee - Thank you and I agree!

[Emme]

I think you should thank your lucky stars it hasn’t gone that far. No physical affair has happened and that is positive. Even though this is heart breaking look at this positively this is the chance most people don’t get, to work on their marriage before they go too far.

 

He has told you this is just FUN for him. The fact that he is telling you this will only make you want him more. We want what we can’t have. You have to try and trick your brain to focus on what’s truly important in your life. Those talks that you love to share with him ask why you can’t share that with your husband. Do you and your husband have a relationship? Not just a marriage. I find that many people have affair with their best friends. They cling to someone who knows them the best in their eye but that should be your spouse not a friend.

 

Try and think of ways to redirect your attention to the man you love. Is he as fun as this friend! Try building a connection with your husband. Send silly goofy messages to your husband to make him laugh. The same way this man has grabbed your attention your husband can do the same. You have to be willing to work on that aspect of your marriage.

 

Your words paint the picture of a neglected woman. Think about it, take your time, ask yourself are you being neglected or are you the one running away.

 

Remember that many didn’t have this chance that you now have to reflect. Use it wisely.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I understand that he was much SMARTER than I was... and I know that I shouldn't expect sympathy. I got myself into a situation and unfortunately it now hurts, I wish it didn't, it's too late for that. It's just difficult because we have to see each other all the time... ugh. But like my Mother always told me... JUST BUCK UP.

 

I'm sure it will be very difficult to see him daily.. To work with him.. Unfortunately affairs, or close friendships that develop at work are uncomfortable when it ends. I like your mom's advice, buck it up .. Harsh but true. All I can say is, avoid him at work (meaning on a personal level, no more chit chat and personal talks, longing eye gazes, or texts) and only deal with him on a professional level. No coffee breaks with him, nothing.

 

You two cannot be friends, I hope you see this? Don't try to reach out to him and don't 'be there' for him. Each of you have spouses and other friends, family to rely on during tough times, etc..

 

Sorry if my replies to you have been harsh.. It's just good to see different angles of your situation and get all kinds of advice, this way you're informed and can move through this easier.

 

If you do find it hard to work with him, ask for a transfer or if it's possible change your work hours.

[whichwayisup]

Your words paint the picture of a neglected woman. Think about it, take your time, ask yourself are you being neglected or are you the one running away.

 

I'll add: You say you're neglected..Well your husband is too. Wasting your love and energy on a man who you're not married to.. Imagine the passion and love that you and your H could feel again if you two focussed on reconnecting and remembering all the good stuff, why you love eachother and got married.

[stingray]

whichwayisup: I didn't say I was neglected, but I know that I have been neglecting my husband. As for seeing the friend frequently (work), it is because we are partners in a business we started together. WHAT A DOOZY! At times, I wish I could transfer. haha! It feels strange because I do feel hurt, but at the same time I feel relieved. (but those feelings feel like a rollercoaster right now, up and down) I also wish I was the one to be "smart" first. lol

[that_gal]

My A lasted 8 years. Was both PA and EA. Thankfully we had some distance between us. Its easy to get caught up in the 'what if's' and be addicted to that feeling of feeling wanted, fun, sexy, and satisfying. Trust me when I say an exposed affair is not worth it. I'm still reeling from the loss of my BF who was also my xMM and now the potential loss of my H and my M. My world feels like its been flipped upside down, and the only person I have to blame is myself for the insecurities that my MM helped me quiet. Counseling is smarter than an A, trust me. Good luck!

[stingray]

Just trying to be "normal"... but it's not going good. I emailed him a estimate on a job and told him the numbers weren't budgeting out right and if he would look it over when he got back to the office... (I was leaving for the day) well, he must have got his email from his cell, then text messaged me with: "you getting irritated when I step away from my desk without declaring my intentions...I didn't say goodbye, sorry."

 

WHAT??? I have been trying to work around when he's not at the office, but he came in today for about an hour while I was working, then left. I was on the phone most of the time he was here. So, instead of calling him, I just sent an email so he could get it later... WOWZA

[y2k]

I feel like I have really screwed my mind up... History: I have known this guy for about 5 years, we have grown to be very good friends over the past year. (we are both married) Within the last few months, he started calling me his best friend, and other nicknames. I considered him one of my closest friends, we have a lot in common, business, hobbies, etc. Well, being how I am (a bit insecure) I started eating the words and actions up. I honestly never found him sexually attractive or even thought he was good looking, but that has changed now since things have crossed that "friendly line". We started working together on a project and things escalated from there. (flirting) I will certainly not blame him, we both definitely let things go too far.

 

We hung out a lot, and have talked to each other every single day over the past 3 months. Well, about 3 weeks ago he started to act different, and we talked on the phone and he told me that he was worried about how things were going between us. He told me that he didn't like the feeling of wishing his wife would hurry and go to work so he could see me, and was concerned that things could escalate to feeling more than just friends for each other. (I didn't think I felt more for him at that time... yeah right) He also sent me a text letting me know that we had talked on the phone for over 24 hours last month. Now he has started to withdraw a bit and I have found myself going into desperation mode. I felt insulted and somewhat rejected. Obviously I felt more for him than I thought and have started to act clingy. He has literally sat on the phone with me for over an hour (more than once) trying to reassure me that he still thinks of me the same way and he's just trying to cool it a bit. ...and every time, he tells me that even though he really dislikes drama, conflict, etc., he will stay on the phone with me until I feel better because he doesn't want me to feel bad.

 

I know that the situation was just "Fun" for him, he has told me that more than once. Unfortunately, I stupidly let my emotions get the best of me... It is very hard for me to feel like I'm being pushed away even though I know it is for a good reason. I know this is extremely unhealthy for all involved and I need advice on how to get over this. I can't even talk to him without feeling completely awkward.

 

I would like to give a different opinion than the others here.

 

You haven't told us how you feel about your husband. Do you REALLY love him??? Some people here will make others feel forced to stay with spouses that they are no longer happy with. I personally don't think that's a good idea.

 

If you are not so happy with your husband (for any reason), then I think the best thing you can do is THINK about your marriage, NOT forcefully work on it. What I mean by "think" about your marriage" is ponder about it in a neutral matter. Don't go into the assumption "I made a commitment so I have to stay with my husband for the rest of my life" because honey I have news for you.....people divorce and happily re-marry other people all the time. If you feel that your husband is not that "love of your life", then start separation.

 

BUT until you separate, please don't start an A with this other guy. In fact I commend you on NOT having started an A. Keep him as a friend. But in the meantime, please seriously and neutrally THINK about whether or not your marriage makes you legitimately happy or not. There's nothing wrong in divorcing and falling in love with another, but there is plenty of wrong with an A.

 

Maybe by thinking, you'll come to the realization that your husband is really the true love of your life.....OR you'll come to the realization that your husband is not the man you wish to be with, and that there is another out there for you that will make you happy.

[spice4life]

You admit clinginess, insecurity and neediness. I think these issues are best addressed in some counseling, by yourself and then with your husband. I too have suffered from that and it is not a good feeling, and worst, no outside person can ever "make you feel secure", as the problem is with you. This type of thing drains ALL relationships. The OM had to be reassuring you for an hour...and most likely it wouldn't be the first time...you'd eventually end up draining him and pushing him away. Likewise, even if your husband loves you, if you are insecure and clingy, it will be VERY EASY (like now) for you to feel rejected and ignored and make overly high demands on him that are unrealistic...then seek to fill that void elsewhere.

 

I can recall in the past, when those feelings were at a high for me, the MINUTE I felt like my boyfriend wasn't as attentive, I went into overdrive believing he was cheating, he didn't love me etc and almost automatically I'd start flirting with other men more for that attention and validation. I grew to realize that it was ME and that until I worked through that, I was a bucket with a hole in it and no amount of love and attention a man poured into me (short of him doing it 24/7) would make me feel secure. As fast as he showered me with love and attention, as fast as it leaked right back out.

 

It seems like the same is going on with you...and believe me....no new man will help as you'll eventually start feeling the same way with them too. It doesn't seem like your husband is the problem, it seems like you just need to address this void and then BOTH of you need to address it together so that you can learn ways to be present in the relationship and love and care for each other and make each other feel secure without resorting to outside people.

 

This is a very enlightening post MissBee! Kudos to you for overcoming that. Everything you said is right on target and the only way past it is to look inward. I was there myself a long time ago and once I figured out what was motivating my actions everything changed. It was quite liberating to be free of those insecurities and I haven't gone down that road again. More importantly, I never will again either!

 

Good for you!