Why can't I get him out of my head?

[Kageytn]

Its been 3 months-14 weeks-I counted last night and he is still occupying my head. I've tried visualization activities. I've tried writing out my goodbye. I've tried to stop my thoughts when I start thinking about him by chanting-he is not part of my life, he is not my responsibility, he is dead to me. It is not working as fast as I would like it to.

 

I asked him to stop contacting me until 12-21. He text me today. I passed him in my car. He didn't even text me to ask me about my new job but theories about a movie. And all the thought patterns came flooding back-what is he doing? Is he suffering like I have? Does he want me back because he cares for me or because he can't stand to not control me (he has said he still has feelings for me and wants me as a friend but has not changed)?

 

I am so angry. Angry at him and really angry at me. Why am I wasting my valuable time and my thoughts on him? He rejected me painfully. He cheated on me. He told me he lied to me for four years and never meant to marry me. He just didn't want me to leave. He told another girl my most intimate secret to get sympathy from her. He tore me down. I was on a date last month and the guy stopped so I could walk beside him. I actually stopped in shock. I was so used to walking behind him like some damn servant.

 

Why? Why do I feel like he is in control? Why am I still thinking about him? Why can't I leave him and escape him? Turn my back and walk from him? I am terrified he will drag me back in a relationship and he can't. I just don't believe it. I honestly don't feel I am in control of our relationship-he will decide what to do next. And it is killing me. I am working with a therapist. I am reading. I am revisiting my childhood for old wounds and trying to fix them and he is still there-in my head.

 

I hate he makes me feel so passive and so out of control. I hate he occupies my time and I let him. I hate that even seeing him makes me think about how much he hurt me, how much I degraded myself, how much I miss him sometimes and why do I miss him? See, my thoughts just start racing.

 

Has anyone else ever experienced this? Will time fix it? I am really discouraged right now.

[Bobby289]

For some reason we all still want the ones who hurt us...weird! You are in control of your relationship, you can ignore him. He cheated on you and that proves how he feels about you. You are not alone though, there are always going to be feelings and questions but you have to know how to control and process these feelings and urges. You are doing better now so don't let him bring you back down.