New friendship - red flags

[SpiralOut]

She is still around but not as much as before. It took me a while to notice today that she actually left at the time she is supposed to. What a relief!

 

I find myself not even caring about her much anymore.

 

 

I understand the feelings of jealousy that she had towards me because I've felt that towards other women. I wonder if I hated Jen for a while because she reminded me of that part of myself. The way that I sometimes look at other women and wonder, "how the hell did someone like HER get that?"

 

The difference is that I stay the hell away from women who make me feel that way because I'm worried that I won't act nice towards them. I don't want to embarass myself, or hurt someone. Jen, on the other hand, acts with no restraint. The way she acted . . . that's exactly what I would do if I had no control of myself.

 

She has no self control.

 

I feel embarassed for her.

 

And I think it bothers me that she eats sugar and acts hyper because it's embarassing to watch. If that were me, and I were to snap out of it later on and look back on it, I would feel absolutely mortified. It angers me that her "friend" encourages her to do it instead of tries to stop her. A real friend would try and stop someone from acting that way.

Edited January 3, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I am receiving some training in a different department. Jen is fully trained there and I am new. I am very nervous about the training because it involves dealing with patients and I have social anxiety.

 

Jen has been spending more and more time in that department. It is not her usual job, but she fills in if they are busy and need extra help. At first she went there because they asked her to. But now I don't know if she really needs to or if she's just there because she wants to be. She tends to just go wherever she feels like going and nobody is keeping her in check.

 

Last time I was there, she was there at the same time. I find that in comparison to the other two women training me, she bosses me around much more than they do. The other two encourage me to take patients on my own. Jen does not. She asks me to do little things for her and then she tries to take on all the patients she can. I was supposed to take on some patients but then she took over. We were so busy that day, and I am still slow, and I am worried about slowing things down and being in the way so I felt like I couldn't say anything. Me being inexperienced in that department AND being socially anxious, I don't know how to fight back against that. How do I tell a fully trained person to not tell me what to do? And we are in front of people so I cannot make a scene and make us look unprofessional. I feel extremely uncomfortable. I feel manipulated. I feel like Jen is holding me back in my training. I also feel worried that she is watching me and looking for things to criticize me for.

 

I cannot speak to my boss about this. I found out that Jen is his little spy. He asks her to keep an eye on certain people and she reports back to him. He trusts her. I heard her snitching to him about that girl she doesn't like. He didn't even ask about her. She just started in on what that girl is doing wrong. But then she acts normal to that girls face.

 

Two people in my department are asking each other why does Jen take her lunchbreak so late? There is no logical reason for doing that and they are getting upset about it. I know why. There is a man who takes his final break at a certain time but he takes it after she's done her lunch. So she extends her lunch to spend time with him. I notice because I take my break at the same time they are leaving. She sits at the same table as him and flirts with him. He has a girlfriend. I noticed a long time ago that she liked him but this is making me feel very uncomfortable, the fact that she has changed her breaktime to spend more time with him. It seems inappropriate. I have not said anything to anyone about it. I don't want anything to do with it.

 

The other day I walked in and he told her to ask me something. She did not say anything. He told her again to ask me. She did not say anything. Then he told me himself, that they are planning a get together and he wants me to go out with them.

 

Last time I went out with them, this guy paid a lot of attention to me. Jen responded to that by trying to get his attention and I am pretty sure she insulted me right in front of me when she spoke her language instead of speaking English. She is crazy when it comes to men. I am holding myself at a distance from him. He is off-limits to begin with, and she is crazy. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

She tried to boss around the other girl this week. Jen was obviously avoiding talking to me, so she asked that girl to tell me something for her. It is Jen's responsibility to speak with me directly, not anyone else's job. Next time that happens I'll have to tell Jen to please speak with me herself. I don't know how it's possible for someone to be so bossy and yet be such a coward at the same time, but that's what Jen is.

 

Oh my god I just needed to get that off my chest. I also suspect that she is the type of woman who needs to steal away men. She has spoken openly about wanting other women's boyfriends, and she has bragged about married men being in love with her still. It makes me wonder.

Edited January 27, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

Wow. So I just met up with an old friend I haven't seen in five years. She is visiting town for a few days. It feels like I just saw her yesterday. Even when I expressed my vulnerabilities, of not feeling happy about certain things in my life, she would lift me up and correct me by explaining how much I've accomplished and how well I am doing. She is one of the most positive, genuine people I know.

 

This in itself is the COMPLETE opposite of Jen. Jen is a BITCH. Plain and simple. Wow. I don't even care any more how many people she tricks into thinking she's nice. She is an ugly bitch on the inside and no matter how hard she tries to look good on the outside it doesn't change her insides. And she still hasn't changed. Just the other day I saw her randomly throw an insult at someone whom she feels threatened by.

 

She can put me down as much as she likes. I'm a good person inside and even if I don't have many friends, the ones I do have last a lifetime because I build my friendships on a genuine level, of who someone is as a person not what they did this weekend or whatever other superficial crap people use as a means of getting to know someone. I like to know someone on a core level or pure form.

 

She is the COMPLETE opposite of my friend, which makes her a pathetic piece of ****. Maybe I hate her because I'm so scared of becoming her. She is like my worst nightmare, to become someone like her. Maybe I feel sorry for her that she will never be a truly awesome person. Not unless she puts a lot of work into herself and learns how to stop being such a bitch.

 

I don't know where this rant even came from. It just occurred to me after walking my friend to her hotel and then walking home. The reason someone like her gets to me is because I don't have enough good friends around me. If this friend of mine were still in town, and I still saw her on a regular basis, this is no way that someone is moronic as Jen would get to me.

[JourneyLady]

I just skimmed through quickly and will go back and read more fully, but she sounds like she might be a person with Asperger's. I know a high functioning Aspie and that person can be a bit intrusive, but not so much because they are high-functioning.

 

I could be wrong, but it does sound like there's something going on there. People with poor social skills can easily be misunderstood. Anyway, you might check it out with a little research and see if that fits her ways...

 

Or perhaps another personality disorder would fit better. I don't know too many people who -choose- being a bitch if they know that's what they are being. Some just feel life has beat them up so they beat it up right back. Some have personality disorders they are not aware of. From what you write, she sounds competent enough to hold the job. If she wasn't, she'd be gone pretty quick.

Edited February 22, 2013 by JourneyLady

[SpiralOut]

I just skimmed through quickly and will go back and read more fully, but she sounds like she might be a person with Asperger's. I know a high functioning Aspie and that person can be a bit intrusive, but not so much because they are high-functioning.

 

I could be wrong, but it does sound like there's something going on there. People with poor social skills can easily be misunderstood. Anyway, you might check it out with a little research and see if that fits her ways...

 

Or perhaps another personality disorder would fit better. I don't know too many people who -choose- being a bitch if they know that's what they are being. Some just feel life has beat them up so they beat it up right back. Some have personality disorders they are not aware of. From what you write, she sounds competent enough to hold the job. If she wasn't, she'd be gone pretty quick.

 

Everything you say is true. That's why I had trouble standing up to her - because I knew something wasn't quite right with her. It's like punching a baby in the face if you aren't careful about it. I may have been more harsh than I needed to be in my last couple of rants. It's just so infuriating to deal with someone who gets to act however she wants without consequences. I sometimes wonder if she knows she can do that and intentionally pushes at people until they snap.

 

Anyway I am just dealing with her lately by using sarcasm. It works better than anything else. It gets her off my back for a bit while she takes some time to try and figure out what I just said. And if she tries to tell people something stupid about me I can just tell them that my sarcasm flies over her head a lot. Because it does. I don't normally do that with people but I don't know what else to do about her.

Edited February 23, 2013 by SpiralOut

[Hamos]

Wow, I wrote for about an hour, and LS logged me out when I pressed submit. I am speechless.

 

I actually see this from Jen's perspective more than from yours, so you might not like what I say here… But please don't feel pressured to take this all in, I just wanted to give you a new perspective to understanding her better.

 

So it looks like she likes you a lot! I'd have said congratulations if I was the first one to respond, but obviously that's not what's going on here eh? lol.

 

I think she's just very shy and doesn't know how to express her feelings towards you. All she feels she could do is to get as close to you as possible while respecting boundaries you set out. Her acting all intrusively when you didn't say anything in the first place for her to know (you just observed) I think is just nitpicking. If you don't like something, tell her, and chances are she'll respect and appreciate your input, though probably not in the way you'd want her to, because she's trying to impress you and others and want to act like she's got it all covered in the first place lol.

 

I see, though, that she's become your source of distress and torment. You said you don't want to be friends with her –*trust that she'll respond maturely when you tell her like it is. After all, her response won't matter much because she has already made it to your blacklist. How much worse a position could she put herself in? She's wasting her energy on you (when you don't want to be friends with her), and you're leading her on to no avail.

 

All the best of luck, and I hope Jen goes out of your life ASAP, and let you live on.

[SpiralOut]

I forgot to mention that last week Jen's friend called her out on some of her behaviour. She did it in front of everyone. An older man, who is normally understanding of everyone, scolded Jen as though she were a little kid. I don't think she liked that because she became defensive and insisted "I'm nice, I'm nice, I'm nice!!" ha! right. You are so very nice. Then her friend explained to everyone how Jen just pretends to be nice in front of certain people but isn't really. Nobody responded to that. I think the truth of it just sort of sunk in while everyone thought about it.

 

I don't really care about her anymore. If she tries any crap on me now all I have to do is tell her to be nice.

[whichwayisup]

Actually, all you have to say is, "we are all here being paid to do a job, not be buddies, have fun and socialize like this is one big party." Then go on with your work.

 

People need to just start IGNORING HER completely. Everybody in the office knows her and what she's all about it but honestly, I'm sure most don't care at all.

 

I am surprised that the bosses haven't spoken to her about her behaviour. It does interfer with the office atmosphere.

[SpiralOut]

Actually, all you have to say is, "we are all here being paid to do a job, not be buddies, have fun and socialize like this is one big party." Then go on with your work.

 

People need to just start IGNORING HER completely. Everybody in the office knows her and what she's all about it but honestly, I'm sure most don't care at all.

 

I am surprised that the bosses haven't spoken to her about her behaviour. It does interfer with the office atmosphere.

 

That's a good idea. I could say something like that.

 

I have caught her doing some of the same things to two other girls that she used to do to me. I'm not sure if it's worse. One of them she is treating just like me - not outright insulting, but saying things that are very odd. When I saw it happen I was completely shocked. I just exchanged a significant glance with that girl and then glared at Jen, but didn't say anything. The other girl, she just randomly insults for no reason right in front of everyone. For example today she told her her ass is fat (even though she's in good shape). She called Jen "mean" then tried to laugh it off. The other girl made a comment about it. I didn't say anything at all.

 

It is really strange to be the observer this time as opposed to the target. I think the three of us know what is going on. I just watch the other two girls to see how they handle her. One of them laughs at her and the other either says nothing, or just very calmly calls her out on it. Now that I am on the other side of things it is soooo much easier to see that she does this out of insecurity. I knew that before but now I can see it. Certain types of women make her feel threatened/insecure. She probably doesn't even think about others feelings, she just blurts out whatever she needs to say to feel better. I'm not even mad at her anymore. She's not to be taken seriously.

Edited March 1, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

Today was hilarious. She is doing that thing again where she gets mad at me about god knows what, and takes it out by deliberately not doing something she is supposed to do. It affects me, of course, so I have to either confront her or just do the extra work myself. She always deals with my questions by saying "I forgot" "I didn't know that" I didn't have time" etc etc. You get the picture.

 

This morning it was very quiet. She was puttering around trying to be busy when there was actually nothing to do. I noticed she hadn't done her task. I asked her about it. She very matter of factly told me that she hadn't done it, and continued on with pretending to be busy as if nothing was wrong.

 

I asked her "why is that?" and she stopped cold. She was SHOCKED. I guess she didn't expect me to say anything to her. I don't know why she would think that, since I just confronted her about it last week (and many other times). She told me she hadn't had time because she was busy. I called her out on that too, asking her "busy doing what?" She got angry about that and flustered about for an answer, giving me a BS one. So I said "what are you doing right now, though? There's nothing to do right now." She became all angry in that quiet way of hers and told me she was busy doing whatever, and she has to see her doctor now (because she is so very important like that dont you know! ). I just said "okay then" as if I thought she was full of **** (because she is). She then left for her appointment. I'm pretty sure she was planning to leave later rather than sooner and only left right then to avoid dealing with me.

 

I don't know why, but that just felt so great. She's going to give me a hard time all week probably, and I'll have to confront her again. She is so silly and full of self-importance.

[SpiralOut]

I hardly see her at all anymore, which is awesome. When she is around she doesn't talk nearly as much as she used to. Now that she's mostly gone, I've been more talkative. As I become more talkative, Jen tries to talk to me again. I respond to her out of politeness.

 

I don't know if I mentioned this earlier in the thread, but I always got this feeling from her that everything I said pissed her off. Whenever she convinced me to hang out with her, she would sit there looking angry while I talked. Or we'd be having a normal conversation and just suddenly out of nowhere her face would get this mean/angry look and she would start attacking me for no reason. I always felt like she was impossible to talk to without saying the wrong thing. Sometimes I wondered if I HAD said or done something wrong.

 

Today it happened again. She wasn't rude to me, but I could hear some serious anger in her voice after I asked her a perfectly normal question. I think she has a filter. The things I say go through her filter and are interpreted in her head as insults. I've seen Jen get angry at other girls who were being polite and normal. It's really strange.

 

I could probably mess with her if I wanted. It's tempting to do it, after all that **** that I took from her. But it wouldn't be worth it. I guess I'm just updating this thread to say that my frame of mind has changed. She can't control me.

[SpiralOut]

The other day I went into the lunchroom. She was there with the other girl she backstabs. She was dead silent. I left. Literally AS SOON AS the door closed behind me, I heard Jen address the other girl by name.

 

Oh my god. I think she's doing that thing where she waits until she's alone with you to start being mean. I suspected that she was doing it, but that was the first time I HEARD her doing it. It really bothered me. Really, really bothered me. I felt tempted to march back in there and just call her out on it, but that would have been a bad idea. She's probably just jealous that the other girl is young and good looking and has a boyfriend now, whereas Jen is in love with a married man (I'm pretty sure she's having an emotional affair with him), is almost 40 and will probably never have children even though that's what she wants more than anything. No wonder she's miserable.

 

Please excuse my rudeness in saying so but it's true.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

May I ask you (I haven't read every single post in the thread, so apologies if the answer is written already somewhere) if you have at any point tried to talk to her about her getting help?

 

Some posters here have mentioned the potential issues she's dealing with (like Asperger's syndrome), and I was wondering if you or anyone else has tried to suggest her she goes to a therapist etc. just to be on the safe side. And I mean suggest in a constructive manner, without trying to show annoyance at her behaviour etc.?

 

I understand that you are full of frustration and I don't think you have any duty to be her friend, now or later, but you still can give her one suggestion she might need to start changing and solving issues for which she might not really be aware she's got. You can always continue to ignore her, be reserved around her etc. later on, after giving it one more (last?) chance for her to start solving her issues.

 

I'm just saying this because in the past I have at time been frustrated by certain people, their behaviour, etc., and wasn't always good at hiding it or dealing with them, because I thought they were simply jerks etc. With time, I realized that some of them were dealing with various tough issues in their life, some of them health/mental, and looking back I wish my mind was more open to that idea, so perhaps I could have given them the nudge to seek help. Even though they might have not accepted it, I would have been able to walk away from trying to have anything more than a formal relationship with them with the knowledge I did all I reasonably could to help them. In the end, that's what I'd want if I were in their position. For someone to try to help me & point me to where to get help, before giving up on me.

 

Like I said, I haven't read all the thread, but from some of the first posts and your most recent posts I can imagine that she has certain issues that need professional help. And in no way do I mean to imply that there's sth wrong with your behaviour, I just wanted to try to give you another point of view on how to deal with her.

 

Best wishes:)

[WhoreyBull]

I would bring it up to her that she tells people things you feel are personal. She probably doesn't realize she is being hurtful or rude to you. In fact with the case where people were sitting around you she may have been trying to help you out. It seems like she isn't self conscious in a group and might not have realized your anxiety about people was about being in a accepted in a new social situation rather than the actual people being around.

 

As for yoga, I am pretty sure I read a while back an article that was trying o debunk yoga since holding a stretch for upwards of 30 seconds (or whatever it was) doesn't have any benefit. For many people it seems like expensive mumbo jumbo you could do in your living room. When she says "why would you want to do that" did you give her a reason? Or a reason she would understand at least. Say it relaxes you, say it's nice to get out of the house. Just as you don't understand how $600 phone bill is nothing to her, she doesn't understand why you spend money on something you could do for free. (I am assuming you go to a studio).

You need to be upfront about your feelings in the moment rather than holding things inside. When you see a red flag either run or examine it, don't go cruising past!

From everything you've said I really don't see where your personalities match up at all and why you want to be friends. You can be friendly, without having to be friends. It seems like you are probably sending mixed signals (ie. you are acting like you would like to hang out to her face, but in reality you hold these opinions of her).

[SpiralOut]

Hi!

 

May I ask you (I haven't read every single post in the thread, so apologies if the answer is written already somewhere) if you have at any point tried to talk to her about her getting help?

 

It's not my place to tell her that. I wouldn't appreciate anyone telling me that I need professional help, so I'm not going to do that to her. I do see what you mean, though. I wish her family would do something to get her help. Maybe they tried already and it didn't work.

 

From everything you've said I really don't see where your personalities match up at all and why you want to be friends. You can be friendly, without having to be friends. It seems like you are probably sending mixed signals (ie. you are acting like you would like to hang out to her face, but in reality you hold these opinions of her).

 

Umm... where did you get the idea that I want to be friends with her? I was never interested. I think I made that very clear already.

Edited April 8, 2013 by SpiralOut

[luv2b3fun]

You had your answer all along. Your title of this thread clearly states "red flags" so what exactly do you want? Red flags are never good...keep it moving in the other direction.

[SpiralOut]

I'm having issues with work now because of her. I had to confront her about something and it didn't go well.

 

Something had happened with her work that affected me and she knew it and she hadn't bothered to say anything to me. At first I wasn't angry, I just asked her if she knew about something. I wanted her to tell me what happened so I could just fix the problem. She was the only person I could ask about it.She made no effort at all to be helpful. She outright LIED, then told the truth two seconds later. Then she told me to look in the wrong spot (after I TOLD HER that I'd looked there already and couldn't find it there) but she ignored me and continued to insist that I look in the wrong place for something. I know it was the wrong place because I eventually found it somewhere else. This conversation was on the phone.

 

Five minutes later I walked up to her and asked her to her face to please let me know next time something like this happens because I had spent a lot of time trying to fix this because I didn't know what had happened. She didn't apologize or agree to tell me next time. She just insisted it is "no big deal, it's fine." Basically acted like I was upset for nothing. I don't think she understood that I wasn't upset about the problem, I was upset with HER ATTITUDE. I had to tell her AGAIN, to please tell me next time this happens so that I understand what is happened. She said yes she will.

 

She did not so much as look at me, let alone look me in the eye, the whole time I was talking to her. She didn't act upset or guilty or appear to give a rats ass. Just continued on doing her work as if the conversation was of no importance to her. I am starting to wonder if she might have even created this problem on purpose. I am angry with how utterly INSOLENT she was.

 

She did something similar yesterday to someone else. She told him to do something, which turned out to be the wrong thing, and when he told her about it she just said "congratulations."

 

Management even confronted her about something yesterday, that was very serious that she had done wrong and she laughed!! He got upset with her for laughing. He had to tell her that he is being serious. Afterwards, she was angry and complained. Oh the nerve of them for calling her out on doing something wrong. Thing is, I know that she knows/knew how to do it properly.

 

ARGHH! Oh god. Anyway I'm guessing I'm not the only one who has noticed this about her. It just angers me that she can't just bloody be professional. You don't like me? Fine. Don't talk to me then. Don't ****ing mess around with **** at work and make my life difficult.

Edited May 17, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

Tonight I went to a party of an ex-colleague. She is one of the few people from work that I genuinely liked so that's why I went. Jen showed up for the last half of it.

 

Jen said all sorts of things to indicate that she is out of it. She's really not with it. Everyone talked to her and about her as if she were a source of amusement, like a funny little kid. Someone even outright called her immature and nobody corrected her. I think that people like her but don't respect her. She then said a bunch of things to indicate that she looks down on other people (besides me). For example "oh, you made this cake? Why does it taste good then?" (said to the host). She said a couple of things to me that were somewhat condescending. For the first time in a long time, it didn't make me angry. I'm pretty sure that she just thinks that everyone is stupid.

 

That's just the way she is. As my self-worth increases, she won't get to me so much. Oh, and I introduced myself to everyone else by my new/changed name but when Jen called me by my old one I didn't bother to correct her. I don't care what sort of drama that may cause. I don't feel comfortable sharing the new me with her.

Edited May 26, 2013 by SpiralOut

[whichwayisup]

Yup, just stay away from her. Your life is none of her business!

 

Her true colours came out and everybody sees her as the immature 'class annoying clown.'

[SpiralOut]

I'm also happy that anything she says about me is automatically invalidated. I don't think she is even aware that I use a different name with certain people. All she has to do is call me by my original name and everyone in the room immediately knows where she stands with me - NOT close! I'm certain that she says weird things about me, just because that's what she does, so I'm pleased to have a sort of built-in defense system.

[SpiralOut]

Jen has filed a formal complaint against the girl she was harassing. I haven't witnessed it myself but I hear that she's not nice with Jen. I think she's angry and doing the best she can to keep it to herself but it comes out in passive aggressive ways. She must be really deluded if she thinks its okay to report someone for acting angry towards her because she HARASSED HER. Someone said "but that's what friends do. They argue sometimes." I think that was her way of saying that Jen is being silly for filing a complaint.

 

It is possible that I will be questioned. I will be more than happy to say what I think. I'll be unemotional about it, of course.

 

Oh yeah, on facebook some photos just popped up that has Jen posing with the two people she acts horrible with. I'm pretty sure she thinks she is friends with them?? She has tried several times to make me pose with her too. Ugh. Okay I needed to get that off my chest. I continue to feel appalled.

Edited June 13, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

The other girl got fired. She lost her temper and called Jen a bitch and I think that's what did her in. This is what might have happened to me, had I not kept my cool. Scary thing is that Jen was trying to be friends with her this entire time, even after she'd tattled on her. Oh geez. How humiliating. I almost feel bad for her. I don't know if I even should or not.

 

And that's enough drama for now. I don't even want to know anything else about what she does anymore. It's too depressing.

Edited June 14, 2013 by SpiralOut

[whichwayisup]

Such drama.

 

You've done so well, come so far by not letting Jen get to you much anymore.

 

Keep going and don't ever EVER let yourself get caught up in any of her crap.

 

Be nice, be professional, be non personal with her always and you'll be fine.

[SpiralOut]

Thanks...

 

She is being removed from her position. She's training someone else right now to take her place. Once that's done, she goes into a different department and I won't be working with her directly anymore. We won't even be in the same room. The position she'll be filling is that of the girl that she just got fired. I don't know why management is doing this but it's never a good sign when they do that with someone. Oh well. I'm starting to feel excited. It'll be so much better when she's not around.

[SpiralOut]

We don't work in the same room anymore. I hardly see her at all during the day. Sometimes I even forget all about her. It feels wonderful to let go and not have to keep up my guard all the time. I think I was partly angry that I had to be around her all the time. It forced me to not only put up with her idiocy but to keep my guard up at all times, which is exhausting.

 

I wrote a nasty letter to her that I will never show anyone. Since doing that, I don't even hate her anymore. She's just some annoying moron. Sometimes when I walk past her and she's not busy, she'll do that thing she does. She whispers and gives significant glances with her coworker while looking at me and giggling. Instead of feeling offended by it I remember that she does it because she needs to.