am I stupid or what

[kimberlefowler]

I found out the day before mother’s day my husband of 14 years was having an affair.

I took it pretty bad, in fact we where having a lot of troubles before this and I always thought if he did this that would be my way out of this marriage. But instead I see that maybe this is a chance for us to re-connect. That may sound so stupid.

we have gone to see a marriage councilor and he has promised to change his ways . For years I have tried to get him to seek counseling telling him we are no longer close, we have let work; kids and other things get in the way. He always said things where fine and this was all in my head. He now admits I was right. That he was not putting us first.

I am working on forgiving him and trying to move past all this, but also keeping my eye on him and learning to trust him again.

I maybe making a big mistake, he could fool me again and then it will be over I know. At times I feel so stupid to let him back into my life, other times it makes me feel strong. It is no fun going threw this and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

 

The only problem I am having is for some reason he wont tell me her name. Any one know why? She works with him so it is not like I know her.

 

Kim

[tiki]

I don't think you are stupid at all for reconsidering working out the marriage. I think it says a lot for you. Now it is your job to make sure that you don't let him do that to you again. This would be his last chance for me, and I'd let him know that.

 

Now about the information on the mistress...why won't he tell you? What is he afraid of? That she may one day call or that her name may come up in casual conversation about your day at the office? I feel like he owes it to you to tell you who/what/when/why and how if you are granting forgiveness. YOU are in the drivers seat. To make sure it doesn't happen again, I would want to know all pertinent details. This way, you can see it coming if it ever happens again. I think that you should also discuss with him what you could've done (in his perspective) to avoid this from happening and make sure that neither one of you come close having it happen again.

 

I applaud you for being a strong woman and being a forgiver. Forgiveness is awesome! =) Just make sure he doesn't slip again.

[devastated]

I to have decided to give my marriage another chance. It is a roller coaster ride that is for sure. Sometimes I think "what am I doing, am I crazy"? Here is my husband who I love with all of my heart and he has hurt me in the worst way. I took my marriage vows very seriously and he did'nt and that hurts very much. Do I owe him another chance? No! Do I owe myself the knowledge that I did everything that I could to fix my marriage? Yes!

 

Some people say that I am crazy, "once a cheater always a cheater" but I believe that the steps that my husband has made to repair the damage that he caused is sincere. He is aware that if he ever betrays me again by having an affair that he will be gone out of my life forever. The woman that my husband had an affair with is pregnant and there is a "possibility" that the child is my husband's and that is very painful. We have to wait until the baby is born to have a DNA test done so now I have to wait until November to find out if the child is his.

 

Your husband owes it to you to answer any questions about the affair that you ask. I had to know everything, I did not want anything that they did together to be between the two of them. My husband has respected my wishes and has divulged everything, no matter how hard it was to hear. The detail's hurt like a spear through the heart, but I am glad that I know. I think that the images in my head were far worse than reality.

 

I go back and forth everyday I have been through every emotion possible I go from crying to anger to depression to a hump on the floor. It is not easy, be prepared to deal with your husband's in discretions for a long time to come. Another web site that I have found to be helpful is <removed> they focus on repairing your marriage after infidelity.

 

Good luck

[SoleMate]

You're not stupid to want to rebuild your marriage. This kind of crisis actually can be the wakeup call that one or both parties need. But it IS essential that your husband answer your reasonable questions about the affair, including the full name of his (ex?)lover. How else can you have confidence in him?

 

Please check out <URL removed> for specific advice on rebuilding after the affair. Dr. Harley will make it clear that your H must cease ALL contact with his (ex?)lover. If they work together, he must find a new job. If she lives down the street, you folks must move to a new town. He must agree to honestly answer all your questions about the affair. Dr. Harley has rules for you, too - no endless questions, no recriminations, and you both have to learn each other's most important emotional needs and start meeting them. That's what will keep you together and happy.

[kimberlefowler]

thanks for the link. I will be sure to read it. I also have 2 books our MC told us to read. at first he wasnt wanting to read them then he said he would then last night he started in again about how he didnt think a book would help. I told him I will not force him to read it but if he doesnt he is letting me down once again. He promised before to read it and if he doesnt go threw with it, then how can I trust anything he says?

well he picked up the book and started reading.

as far as his job he can not just quit. He has been there over 10 years so it would be out of the question to leave the job. as far as the other woman goes, she works there but not in his department. He says he does have to go where she is sometimes. I told him I want him to have no contact with her what so ever and if he does I want to know about it.

The way I am seeing things now is this, he can either change his ways and do as he has promised to do, or it is over. I will not give him any chances to back out of the councling or the books. He is the one that has to prove to ME that he will do whatever it takes to make this work. I of course have to change but that will be easy as I have tried to change in the past but he never would , so I didnt see the point in doing it. I am not saying I am right all the time, but the things we need to work on are the same things I have asked him to do over and over.

 

Kimberle