Unusual? Or not?

[guiltyascharged1]

I've read up on here quite a lot and it seems to be a common thought that once the A is exposed then the excitement vanishes and the A ends. This has not happened in my situation. Just to set the scene a little, I am in my thirties and my MM is 15 years my senior and has been married most of his adult life. I am also M and have been for about 10 years. The A has been going on for a year and we have had 2 horrible D days, when my H left me for a while and MM's grown children turned against him (he had always been seen as a very good family man). We have recently revived the A for the 3rd time. So despite the pain we have caused to our spouses and to each other (we have thrown each other under the bus after each D day and said horrible things to minimise our feelings), we cannot seem to stop seeing each other). Basically I love my H but I adore my MM, for various reasons we are better off where we are but I need him in my life and it seems as though he feels the same. He is different to anyone I've ever known and has an emotional and physical connection with me that doesn't ever weaken.

 

I do feel sickened by our actions and can't comprehend how we are both treating our loyal spouses but I can't live without my MM. We both know the other BS and family, not as friends but as acquaintances. This is the first A either of us have had and like my MM says, when it's good it's fantastic but when it's bad, it's horrendous. I do want to stop but NC is so hard and I never stop missing and thinking about him. His W blames me and my H blames MM. Obviously I totally accept joint responsibility. Has anyone else experience of anything similar or is it the case that A typically end on discovery?

Edited October 25, 2011 by guiltyascharged1

[Yianks]

So everyone is hurt........really hurt.

 

My view is that since the A has been going on for a year you and your MM are in a position to decide what you really want to do, either end the A or end your marriages.

 

The key is to know what you want as there will be no turning back after you decide what you should do.

 

But you need to decide the soonest as its not fair for your spouses (not that the A was fair to begin with).

[guiltyascharged1]

So everyone is hurt........really hurt.

 

My view is that since the A has been going on for a year you and your MM are in a position to decide what you really want to do, either end the A or end your marriages.

 

The key is to know what you want as there will be no turning back after you decide what you should do.

 

But you need to decide the soonest as its not fair for your spouses (not that the A was fair to begin with).

 

You are so right and it all sounds so simple. I actually think that my MM and I are incredibly bad for each other and for the people closest to us but we just can't let go for good (despite the periods of NC following the D days, but even then there was always an inevitability that we would return to each other at some stage). MM told me that he thought about me every single day that we were not in touch and I was exactly the same. There is definitely part of me that wants to move on and I swear that I would never enter an A again, it is toxic but I was so naive at the beginning and saw none of this coming. I almost feel addicted to him and the A.

[Yianks]

You are so right and it all sounds so simple. I actually think that my MM and I are incredibly bad for each other and for the people closest to us but we just can't let go for good (despite the periods of NC following the D days, but even then there was always an inevitability that we would return to each other at some stage). MM told me that he thought about me every single day that we were not in touch and I was exactly the same. There is definitely part of me that wants to move on and I swear that I would never enter an A again, it is toxic but I was so naive at the beginning and saw none of this coming. I almost feel addicted to him and the A.

 

What you are describing are the intense feelings of all the affairs. I was exOM so I can relate to them very well.

 

However, you have not mentioned anything about real feelings. Maybe they dont exist? Only you and your MM can answer this. The answer is extremely important which will help both of you decide what to do.

 

You will both suffer extreme pain in an imaginable ways if you end your marriages without real feelings.

[woinlove]

I've read up on here quite a lot and it seems to be a common thought that once the A is exposed then the excitement vanishes and the A ends. This has not happened in my situation. Just to set the scene a little, I am in my thirties and my MM is 15 years my senior and has been married most of his adult life. I am also M and have been for about 10 years. The A has been going on for a year and we have had 2 horrible D days, when my H left me for a while and MM's grown children turned against him (he had always been seen as a very good family man). We have recently revived the A for the 3rd time. So despite the pain we have caused to our spouses and to each other (we have thrown each other under the bus after each D day and said horrible things to minimise our feelings), we cannot seem to stop seeing each other). Basically I love my H but I adore my MM, for various reasons we are better off where we are but I need him in my life and it seems as though he feels the same. He is different to anyone I've ever known and has an emotional and physical connection with me that doesn't ever weaken.

 

I do feel sickened by our actions and can't comprehend how we are both treating our loyal spouses but I can't live without my MM. We both know the other BS and family, not as friends but as acquaintances. This is the first A either of us have had and like my MM says, when it's good it's fantastic but when it's bad, it's horrendous. I do want to stop but NC is so hard and I never stop missing and thinking about him. His W blames me and my H blames MM. Obviously I totally accept joint responsibility. Has anyone else experience of anything similar or is it the case that A typically end on discovery?

 

The reference to the excitement vanishing is typically when the affair becomes out in the open and you can be with the AP openly and full time as in a regular R. Then the secrecy and deception ends and one isn't getting needs met by both the M and the A. In some cases, this moves into an open, loving R and in other cases, one learns that the A was filling some need, providing excitement and drama, but was not sustainable as a primary R, capable of enriching one's life over the long term.

 

It sounds like in your case the A is still providing you with secrecy as well as drama, so I don't think the above refers to you. Sounds like you want both your M and the A and that is not that unusual for MM/MW. Perhaps you have become used to all the drama and, for you, it is an easier short-term fill for some of your needs than satisfying them in a more sustainable way with love, family, interests, work, giving to others, etc.

 

Are you in therapy? Given that you say you are unhappy doing the things that you chose to do, and perhaps you even feel that you aren't capable of really choosing your own life, therapy could help.

[guiltyascharged1]

I would describe the A as being fulfilling in some ways but as unfulfilling in others because obviously with it being an A, time together is limited and much as he tells me that he'd love to do more for me, it is very difficult. Therefore the A never shows signs of ending because there is so much more we want out of it and each other. I know that he sees me as a constant in his life and he has told me that he will never let me go, but he has never said that he would definitely leave his M. Ultimately he is invested in us both and has even admitted that he loves us both and we both give him different things. Obviously they have a home together and other trappings of a long marriage (as have I) but I am aware that I struggle to deal with the two situations far more than he does. I honestly believe that men in general are better at compartmentalising than women are. I do not feel used by him, I believe that he loves me (otherwise surely he wouldn't continue despite what has occurred) but he is not willing to take the risk of leaving the W he has been with most of his life for a R that he worries could fail as he gets older and the age gap (in his mind) drives me away. I'm not saying I would leave for him because I am generally happy at home but neither do I want to be in a situation where he is out of my life for good. I just can't handle that. But I also understand that we are causing misery and pain to all involved.

[Gentlegirl]

Sorry to tell you but your A appears to be fairly typical.

 

I assure you that one day things will get so bad that you will have to let go of MM.

 

You and he are not teenagers, you have a wife and a husband at home who love you and trust you.

 

It all seems like a lovley fantasy, love affair, fun.... for what????

 

You make each other feel good. Just imagine how good you will feel if you are discovered.

 

I think you are playing with each other... just for fun. Tha would be ok if you weren't attached but you are. It's selfish egotisical pleasure which can lead to hurt for many people.

 

I don't mean to knock you, but I have been there and it can feel wonderful.

 

The end isn't wonderful. Sooner it is done the better. Read here... lots, and read about the pain of going NC and how difficult it is.

 

GG

[woinlove]

I would describe the A as being fulfilling in some ways but as unfulfilling in others because obviously with it being an A, time together is limited and much as he tells me that he'd love to do more for me, it is very difficult. Therefore the A never shows signs of ending because there is so much more we want out of it and each other. I know that he sees me as a constant in his life and he has told me that he will never let me go, but he has never said that he would definitely leave his M. Ultimately he is invested in us both and has even admitted that he loves us both and we both give him different things. Obviously they have a home together and other trappings of a long marriage (as have I) but I am aware that I struggle to deal with the two situations far more than he does. I honestly believe that men in general are better at compartmentalising than women are. I do not feel used by him, I believe that he loves me (otherwise surely he wouldn't continue despite what has occurred) but he is not willing to take the risk of leaving the W he has been with most of his life for a R that he worries could fail as he gets older and the age gap (in his mind) drives me away. I'm not saying I would leave for him because I am generally happy at home but neither do I want to be in a situation where he is out of my life for good. I just can't handle that. But I also understand that we are causing misery and pain to all involved.

 

Do you think your H would leave you for good if he knew the A had restarted or do finances/children or something else keep him in the M, even if it isn't satisfying?

[guiltyascharged1]

Do you think your H would leave you for good if he knew the A had restarted or do finances/children or something else keep him in the M, even if it isn't satisfying?

 

Obviously finances, children, history together and the fact that we do actually get on really well all help keep us together. I am unsure whether he would leave for good but that is a risk I am taking (though I am much more careful than prior to the D days). Our R has always been really good and we have always communicated well. The issue that caused the A to start was the sad reality that he has never been right for me sexually. But I also understand that not everything can be perfect. Unfortunately I am selfish and did feel the need to turn to MM and it was wonderful for us both and it is hard to forget about. However if it was just about sex I could move on but clearly over the space of a year we have built strong bonds that only bizarrely seem to get stronger following D days, which I know makes no sense. I don't want to hurt anyone but neither do I want to hurt myself and by ending the A for good, that would be inevitable. I'm not sure how this will ever end.

[woinlove]

Obviously finances, children, history together and the fact that we do actually get on really well all help keep us together. I am unsure whether he would leave for good but that is a risk I am taking (though I am much more careful than prior to the D days). Our R has always been really good and we have always communicated well. The issue that caused the A to start was the sad reality that he has never been right for me sexually. But I also understand that not everything can be perfect. Unfortunately I am selfish and did feel the need to turn to MM and it was wonderful for us both and it is hard to forget about. However if it was just about sex I could move on but clearly over the space of a year we have built strong bonds that only bizarrely seem to get stronger following D days, which I know makes no sense. I don't want to hurt anyone but neither do I want to hurt myself and by ending the A for good, that would be inevitable. I'm not sure how this will ever end.

 

I think it makes a lot of sense. As you say, you are both lying, selfish and hurting others. Most of the time you don't need to focus on that part, because as you say there are other parts that feel good to you. However, the negatives come out during a d-day, but since you are both acting the same way, you can make each other feel better about yourselves. Unless you are a heartless person, one day you will likely have to face the reality of how you treated others and the person you have become through your actions and decisions. But meanwhile, your AP softens that reality and the more d-days you face the more you need him to soften that reality.

 

Makes sense to me. Definitely not how I would choose to live, but it makes sense. Everyone wants to feel better about themselves, whether that is achieved through truth, fantasy or dishonesty.

[Yianks]

 

However if it was just about sex I could move on but clearly over the space of a year we have built strong bonds that only bizarrely seem to get stronger following D days, which I know makes no sense.

 

 

I had exactly the same question after a 1 1/2 year of an A with my exMW. Was keeping banging my head on the wall and wondered why she wasnt with me after all the strong bond we had. But that was just it.......a strong bond (typical in an A) and nothing more.

 

I don't want to hurt anyone but neither do I want to hurt myself and by ending the A for good, that would be inevitable. I'm not sure how this will ever end.

 

Mine ended with extreme pain as she wasnt really willing to leave her H. What you have in your A is double the barrier as you have two marriages to end.

 

Unless you have REAL INTENTIONS to end your marriages, the sooner you finish the A the better for both of you, otherwise the pain will quadruple by the day.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't get it. You've had d-days...the opportunity to be with the one you are sooo connected with, so why lie and go back to your spouses(continuing to play them for fools and hurting everyone involved). Go be public, live a life openly with each other instead of making sure the other gets tread marks only on their backside?

[cavedweller]

guiltyascharged,

 

I don't see any problem here..You both file for a divorce and 'hook up'..

[Quiet Storm]

but I can't live without my MM

 

Yes, you can. You lived before him, and you will live after him.

 

You are allowing your emotions to dictate your actions.

 

Feelings are just feelings. If you don't feed them (with thoughts or actions), they will fade.

 

It does sounds like an addiction for you. A crack addict wants crack, even though they know it's bad for them. Just like you want MM.

 

You are giving these feelings for MM way too much importance. Your feelings will follow your focus. If you are thinking about and longing for OM, your focus won't be on your husband. Change your focus.

 

Your post reads like you have no control.

 

Think about a time when you felt anger. Think about how strong those feelings were in that moment. Did you lose control and attack someone? Probably not. You waited. You sat with your feelings. You felt them, but you didn't act on them. And they passed.

 

It's the same with feelings of love (or obsession). You don't have to act on them. They will only control your actions if you allow them to.

 

You say your actions "sicken you". Why do you continue to do something that sickens you?

[SoMovinOn]

There is definitely part of me that wants to move on and I swear that I would never enter an A again, it is toxic but I was so naive at the beginning and saw none of this coming. I almost feel addicted to him and the A.

 

There is no "almost" to your addiction. It's every bit the same. You continually do something *you* see as toxic. You want to quit but you can't. You know if you continue to do this, there will be ever increasing bad consequences for you, and everyone else involved.

 

The one choice you and MM can't make, is to continue your M's and continue the A. Eventually, if you don't make a choice, your spouses will make a choice for you.

 

Is it normal for it to be difficult to end the A? Yes.

Is it normal for NC to be difficult? Yes.

Is it normal to think about your AP all the time? Yes.

 

Is it possible to get past all that and end the A? Yes.

[MissBee]

You are so right and it all sounds so simple. I actually think that my MM and I are incredibly bad for each other and for the people closest to us but we just can't let go for good (despite the periods of NC following the D days, but even then there was always an inevitability that we would return to each other at some stage). MM told me that he thought about me every single day that we were not in touch and I was exactly the same. There is definitely part of me that wants to move on and I swear that I would never enter an A again, it is toxic but I was so naive at the beginning and saw none of this coming. I almost feel addicted to him and the A.

 

You believe you and this man are bad for each other and have self-described this relationship as toxic, you hate what you're doing yet you continue...I think this means that perhaps some counseling is in order to sort things out as very contradictory things are going on.

 

Toxic relationships are usually quite hard to leave, be they affairs or not, and I have witnessed many a toxic scenario go on for years and the people in it expressing the same sentiments of: "I cannot live without him, when it's good it's good but when it's bad it's horrendous...but I love him...but I hate him....everything is good now...oh everything is horrible" and the whole situation consumes their good sense and life. At that point IMO, one needs to take some pause and seek some objective, professional help in figuring out why such a situation is so addictive, why it persists, why you can't let go....often people romanticize it to mean they are soulmates which is why it is so difficult...but most often it is a less romantic reason as to why they would put up with a toxic and painful situation, living for the sometimes when it's good.

 

I think if multiple Ddays occur and people resume their A it usually speaks to a higher level of that addictive feeling....so it makes sense that you who seem to be unable to stay away from what you think is toxic, even upon discovery, speaks to that addictive feeling being very high.

Edited October 25, 2011 by MissBee

[Got it]

I've read up on here quite a lot and it seems to be a common thought that once the A is exposed then the excitement vanishes and the A ends. This has not happened in my situation. Just to set the scene a little, I am in my thirties and my MM is 15 years my senior and has been married most of his adult life. I am also M and have been for about 10 years. The A has been going on for a year and we have had 2 horrible D days, when my H left me for a while and MM's grown children turned against him (he had always been seen as a very good family man). We have recently revived the A for the 3rd time. So despite the pain we have caused to our spouses and to each other (we have thrown each other under the bus after each D day and said horrible things to minimise our feelings), we cannot seem to stop seeing each other). Basically I love my H but I adore my MM, for various reasons we are better off where we are but I need him in my life and it seems as though he feels the same. He is different to anyone I've ever known and has an emotional and physical connection with me that doesn't ever weaken.

 

I do feel sickened by our actions and can't comprehend how we are both treating our loyal spouses but I can't live without my MM. We both know the other BS and family, not as friends but as acquaintances. This is the first A either of us have had and like my MM says, when it's good it's fantastic but when it's bad, it's horrendous. I do want to stop but NC is so hard and I never stop missing and thinking about him. His W blames me and my H blames MM. Obviously I totally accept joint responsibility. Has anyone else experience of anything similar or is it the case that A typically end on discovery?

 

In our case, I left my marriage and when dday did hit, he left his as well. But no the excitement didn't change for us but most importantly the love hasn't waned.

 

I would say that if I had ever been thrown under the bus my respect for him would have greatly decreased to ended and that would have heavily impacted the love I have for him. Throwing someone under the bus is allowing someone else to take the blame for one's actions. That is not something I see as a positive. It may be what it is but one should have to stand by their actions.

 

Why have you guys continued after ddays? Why not make a decision to either recommit to the marriage or leave and divorce?

[Owl]

Guilty...my question is this...if you truly are so deeply in love with MM...why haven't the two of you taken steps to make this a more "permanent" solution?

 

Nothing prevents the two of you from leaving your spouses, divorcing, and freeing yourselves to remarry to each other.

 

In fact...you'd be freeing your spouses to find someone that truly does love them.

 

Why haven't you personally started taking those steps?