Marriage in deep trouble

[Whadduido]

Hello All,

 

It was so good, we dated for a year, fell in love and decided to get married.

All along, she was staying with a male roommate , somebody whom she said was like a brother to her, I was friends with him too as I believed her.

I asked her to move out a couple of times, but she did not agree,

She told me way later that he was more than a brother to her and they had shared a kiss before.

I went livid, I restrained myself from taking it out on her or him.

I decided I'd let it go if she left the guy for good. She said she would.

My Job in the place I was living ran into trouble and I had to move to a bigger city.

 

I now started keeping tabs on her as I knew she was slippery.

I did come to know that she contacted another old flame and asked him whether they could be friends now that she was engaged.

Nothing made sense to me.

I started keeping more tabs.

 

We got married and moved in some months ago.

In the middle of a heated argument, this thing came up again and she zoned in towards me and I pushed her away, she had a lock on her phone from the time she had moved in, I asked her to unlock it and show what was going on as I cldnt understand what was going on , she refused, I slapped her , called her mom and told her myself that her daughter was making me lose it completely.

 

She moved out the next day.

 

and now her side:

 

She feels all along that I controlled her , kept tabs on her and did not let her go to places where this guy might be, on top of that I pushed her once and slapped her and she thinks I'm a dictator and wants out.

 

Now:

 

I made all the money and paid the bills, she can barely cook one meal a day and sits and studies all day and texts her friends [god knows whom] and now my one mistake has set up a broken marriage.

 

I actually love her a lot and wanted to set her right, wanted her to understand that playing with guys even emotionally is wrong and turn her into a good wife.

I have acknowledged my issues in the meantime which include possessiveness and VERY CLEARLY UNDERSTAND THAT in any circumstance raising a hand (even a gentle slap) on a woman is unpardonable,

 

I have attended anger management classes and marriage counseling and am now seeing a therapist for any deep rooted issues.

 

She is staying at her brothers place.

I tried to contact her frantically for the first month,

When she finally talked after two months, it was a slew of allegations and anger.

I discussed this with my therapist, I know a lot of things she said are only to hurt me,

I want her back and love her madly and want to make this marriage work.

I have agreed to ALL of her terms but she hasn't even agreed to come for joint counseling.

 

I am stuck, cannot concentrate on work, feel like **** and know that I'm helpless as my marriage is drifting away from me, if I try to call her she calls back saying I'm needy and immature.

 

I have run out of energy, patience and basic spirit.

What do I Do, help please.

 

I really love her and miss her and want to save my marriage.

[TigerCub]

I don't blame her for not wanting to go back to you.

 

Look, I'll be the first to agree that she seemed shady. That whole business about lying about the guy she was living with, the fact that she wouldn't unlock her phone - all that SHADY!! I'll give you that.

 

But...the minute you actually push her and slap her, it doesn't matter if she was difficult or shady, because now you're a physically abusive partner.

 

Also what the hell is this talk about wanting to "set her right", you do sound like an abusive person and I wouldn't believe that you changed after therapy or whatever either.

 

This is on you too, she seemed shady from the beginning, but YOU chose to still marry her, if you're not happy with her, you should have offered that joint counseling that NOW you want her to take part of, you should never have hit her.

 

This relationship lacked trust from the beginning.

 

Ask yourself honestly, are you really holding on to her now because you really love her and can see this all working out with effort on both your parts, or are you really just holding on because now she's someone that's saying no to being with you at all - now its a huge challenge and something you need to control?

[The Blue Knight]

As someone in the law enforcement profession I see the jealous types often. They typically are the ones in the middle of very heated and problematic relationships and they are typically the ones in trouble with the police because they can't control their emotions properly.

 

You'd best learn that your actions will eventually lead you to a nice jail cell.

 

From what you described, she was displaying problems involving trust before you married her. That's on you. You don't get married when you see signs of lacking loyalty.

 

I will give you kudos for at least getting in and getting some help. You can't control people. Not even the woman you love. It will cause them to feel suffocated and they'll end up running away eventually. Good luck

[make me believe]

I agree with Tiger. Your wife was being shady for sure, but you accepted it and married her anyway.

And YOU are controlling, scary, and abusive. If I were your wife I would run as far away from you as I could. You pushed her and hit her because she wouldn't unlock her phone? Then tried to claim that she "made" you do it? I hope for your wife's sake that she does NOT allow herself to get sucked back into a relationship with you. She should have called the cops on your as* the second you laid a hand on her. Good for her for ignoring your attempts at trying to contact her!

[KathyM]

You very well may have blown it for good. Women don't want to be abused. Most women will not tolerate that. Although you have a right to set boundaries in your marriage, and you have every right to be concerned if your wife is contacting old boyfriends or behaving inappropriately, you can't enforce those boundaries through force. You have no right to harm a woman no matter what they do, except in self defense, and only to the extent needed to protect yourself. You married a woman who had questionable boundary issues to begin with. That was your first mistake. Never should have continued on with her. But in any case, after marriage, you have a right to enforce boundaries through coming to an understanding of what those boundaries should be, and if your wife is not accepting of reasonable boundaries, then have a third party, such as a marriage counselor, to work out those boundary issues with you. You have no right to physically enforce those boundaries. I would suggest you work on your anger management issues before trying to get back with your wife. When you are in control of your anger, you could try contacting her and discussing all the progress you've made with it, and ask her if she'd consider seeing you on a limited basis. Then hope for the best. Hope that she will see a difference in you and want to give you another try. That's all you can do to try to save your marriage. She's not going to take back an abusive husband unless she is completely convinced that you have changed. Even then, she may not be willing to, but that is the route I would suggest if you want to try to salvage your marriage.