Possibly Naive Question

[bugaboo]

So I have been lurking and reading here for some time. I am about 18 months out of a 20-year marriage, and about 5 months in to an EMA, which I am astonished to be part of; would never have done anything of the sort while M.

 

And I have a question that is probably naive, but will hope you will treat with kindness even so. It's a naivety born of the fact that it's been 20 years since I had a broken heart of any type. (The end of my M didn't cause one; the D was years overdue and I suppose my heart had been slowly breaking over those years, so there was no major emotional breakdown when it actually ended, an odd thing to admit to.)

 

So here's my naive question: the raw pain and anguish of the many OPs on this board is palpable. But I'm not (yet) experiencing it, so have no first-hand knowledge. Nor do I remember the pain of ending things with an SP. Is the pain of ending with an MM much harder to go through? (It seems like it is.) And if so, why is that so? Because the fact that it's (usually) a secret makes it hard to admit to and get support for? Because the EMA is wrong in the first place and there's guilt on top of the heartbreak? Because sometimes they end abruptly via a D-day? Because of the broken promises? Other reasons?

 

I'm truly not challenging anyone here, just sincerely asking the question. I can tell this is in my future, no matter what -- I've received no promises, have no expectations, and would not actually want MM to D his wife, so there's only one way this ends -- and am trying to understand the magnitude of it.

 

Thanks, Bug.

[Gentlegirl]

Guess there are many reasons.

 

Mostly I found the ending was so difficult because I had formed a very strong emotional bond with xMM.

 

It was a 3 year A. One day his wife caught him making a phone call to me and then he wasn't there any more.

 

He had a relationship with me and was going to social occasions and we did many things together. He was important to me.

 

He just dumped me altogether. I haven't heard from him in 10 months.

 

The silence is deafening... how could he be such a vital part of my life for 3 years, then disappear with just an email to say it was best for me???

He was texting or talking to me all day and half the night. We appeared to have that wonderful connection and closeness that you might read about on LS.

 

He really meant it got too uncomfortable for him.

 

It's just like losing somebody to death in my case... no goodbyes, just an empty space. I grieve like anybody grieves for the loss of a loved one.

 

So that's my story. (potted version) It's still painful , but it's getting less so as time goes by. ONe day I am hoping that xMM will just be a memory . It's just taking some time to get to that stage.

 

Gentlegirl

[woinlove]

So here's my naive question: the raw pain and anguish of the many OPs on this board is palpable. But I'm not (yet) experiencing it, so have no first-hand knowledge. Nor do I remember the pain of ending things with an SP. Is the pain of ending with an MM much harder to go through? (It seems like it is.) And if so, why is that so? Because the fact that it's (usually) a secret makes it hard to admit to and get support for? Because the EMA is wrong in the first place and there's guilt on top of the heartbreak? Because sometimes they end abruptly via a D-day? Because of the broken promises? Other reasons?

 

Yes, I think it is often harder and you list a number of valid reasons of why that can be. Another is that MM can be more intimate, more focussed on establishing a intimate connection. It is often an emotional/sexual need MM are trying to fill with an EMA and they don't have the same concern that a single man may have of you expecting more and wanting a serious commitment when they aren't sure if that is what they want. A MM may say he is not leaving his W all while connecting with you in a way that makes you feel you are as special to him as someone he would definitely want to make a serious commitment to. This can establish some pretty deep connections.

Some MM may actually leave their W, but often they remain committed to staying married, even as they share such intense times with their AP.

 

The risk can also deepen the bond. Just taking risks together (not necessarily an A) can heighten feelings. Another point on it being a secret, besides leaving the AP with less support, is that the secrecy and deception, can in itself create a special bond. At least in some circles, it may be a private, secret world of just you two. Also, one may, consciously or subconsciously, feel that what you have is pretty special for the MM to lie to his W and risk his M.

 

On guilt - people don't like to feel guilty and may project more good things, like lots of love from both partners, onto the situation in order to feel less guilty. There are a lot of factors that can come in to play surrounding a secret affair, and it depends on the individuals involved. But, there does seem to be enough common elements that elements of addiction and deep pain seem to enter for many.

 

In your own case, you say the end of your 20 year M came quite easily, but I wonder if there isn't something there that led you to getting involved with a MM even while saying you are astonished at that.

[chalkfarm]

My XMM spent about 18 months telling me he loved me, he was only happy when he was with me, he needed me, he liked me, he thought I was funny and sexy and clever and smart. He was kind and gentle and loving. He wanted me to appreciate and admire him. He wanted me to love and trust him.

 

He separated from his wife, got his own apartment, and signed over the house.

 

 

One Monday he told me again how he "really, really loved" me. And the next Monday he said he was going home. We haven't spoken in 17 months. He is essentially dead.

 

The pain is astronomical. It is absolute.

[Lemon Drop]

chalkfarm,

 

That is just about the saddest thing I have ever read here. You must have been so excited when he took the steps to move his things into an apartment.... I'm very sorry for your loss. Yes, it is a death. And the good memories you shared with him, the sweet ones? You can't even call those up because they are now PAINFUL in retrospect.

 

I have had two great loves, one was my H who died and the other was my MM. I have sweet memories of them both, memories and pictures and happy times and love and places and things together. I wonder sometimes if the reason I ever "fell" for my MM was because I was emotionally unavailable for a "real" relationship and maybe it felt "safe" to allow myself to have those feelings for someone who was unable to pick up and move in on my life before I was ready.

 

The other thing I think about when I read your question is that I was so HIGHLY attracted in every way to my MM that very little could have stopped what happened. Since we have broken up, I can't get started with anyone else, and in many ways I'm not sure I will ever be able to, not after how MM and I sparked.... it was kind of like that chemical thing that happens when you build one of those science project volcanos.. whatever those two chemicals are, we had it. I miss him to my bone marrow and cannot entertain any sweet memories because they make me so sad that he is no longer in my life. I would love to see him smile again and hold his hand.

 

So, in summary (ha) 1) they are unavailable, but they are emotionally available maybe and 2) Chemical 3) Extreme attraction or it wouldn't be worth it 4) They dripfeed texts, calls, etc. which makes you long for more

5) Competitive nature of the beast.

[tami-chan]

Hello Bugaboo! I will be short... no matter the reason on why it would hurt....you are cruising for bruising!

[FelicityShot]

I don't know how or why, but I keep the memories.

 

I would say that for me, all talk of how the fact it was 'merely' A love and therefore worth jack clouded my mind.

 

That kind of talk is common on LS, but by no means the only form of understanding.

 

I have understood the way the ending hurt me as something within myself.

 

If you love someone, it's not so bad if they can't be with you. It's not the ecstatic way forward you might have thought about, but then life's like that..

[bugaboo]

I really appreciate all your thoughtfulness, and I agree with lemondrop, chalkfarm, that what you wrote is just devastating to read and I can't imagine what's it's like to live through it.

 

The analogy to grieving a death makes it really clear - and must be especially painful when it's a death only to oneself; when you know he's still out there, living his life. And you don't know whether or not it's hard for him, too - whether he's grieving the loss of you, as much as you are of him.

 

Woinlove, you really perceptively asked if there was something in the end of my M that led me to get involved with an MM. What a great question, especially since then Lemondrop said, "I wonder sometimes if the reason I ever "fell" for my MM was because I was emotionally unavailable for a "real" relationship and maybe it felt "safe" to allow myself to have those feelings for someone who was unable to pick up and move in on my life before I was ready."

 

-- I have been thinking exactly the same thing about my own situation just in the past few days. My M died an achingly slow and lonely death, and I contributed to it by withdrawing emotionally, bit by bit, over many years (for good reasons, not unilaterally, but that was definitely my "contribution"). And now here I am involved with an MM, where the "safest" strategy to keep myself sane and sound seems to be to maintain an emotional distance. Gosh, guess what I'm really good at doing?? So I went from a lonely, distant marriage to this, using the same exact emotional skill set. Probably because it's "safe" in the way you describe, Lemondrop.

 

Yay for me (said sarcastically).

 

But not sarcastically, thank you for the insights. I'm pleased to be here, and will try not to ask naive questions.

[Tenacity]

I think that you listed many of the reasons why.

 

I don't know, though, that it's harder because it's a MM. Maybe. But I have never felt the same way about anyone that I did about him. I don't know if that was because of our situations, or because of "him". I suspect it's more complicated than we can idenify.

 

In my case, I was like you... my marriage of almost as long as yours was over long before we officially ended it, and it was not difficult emotionally at all. Losing MM was a death for me, and still is.

 

During the years I was with MM he treated me beautifully, and also he has treated me terribly. He made promises that he broke. When you give your heart to someone, and you ask them to be gentle with it... and they promise you over and over that they will... and then when they end up stomping all over it, it doesn't matter that the reason is that they feel they "have to do the right thing". You feel betrayed, lied to, and the person you gave your heart and your love to, is suddenly just gone.

 

As someone mentioned, if you stay in this path then you will be subjecting yourself to this kind of pain. The longer you stay in it, the harder it gets. Take it from me. I am one of the bad disaster stories, and have found a lot of help here.

 

Chalkfarm, your post brought tears to my eyes.

[bugaboo]

Wow, Tenacity, I went back and read some of your posts, and I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine that pain, much less going through it on your own and then getting not the least acknowledgment of it. It brought me to tears. Your screen name is well chosen, and I admire your strength, even when it might feel to you like you haven't got as much as you need.

[Gentlegirl]

My XMM spent about 18 months telling me he loved me, he was only happy when he was with me, he needed me, he liked me, he thought I was funny and sexy and clever and smart. He was kind and gentle and loving. He wanted me to appreciate and admire him. He wanted me to love and trust him.

 

He separated from his wife, got his own apartment, and signed over the house.

 

 

One Monday he told me again how he "really, really loved" me. And the next Monday he said he was going home. We haven't spoken in 17 months. He is essentially dead.

 

The pain is astronomical. It is absolute.

 

It's exactly like a sudden death, except you know they are alive .

 

He is probably doing a ehll of a lot better than I am and you are.

 

Who knows.

 

Yes , it is absolute.

 

GG

[Lemon Drop]

chalkfarm,

 

Here is the weird thing. Gird your loins, he is probably going to contact you again. He may be "doing whatever it takes" right now to make it work so that he can sleep at night, but when it doesn't work, he will come back.

 

Mine is doing that after NC for over a year. I am stuck in the middle between having hope and wanting to run off to Africa and live with the Masai, walking the scorched earth and eating berries, etc. At least I would be thin and lean!

 

It's hard to get into your MM's head, but he really did take the leap and then untook it, how long until he is just as unhappy and changes it again? Want to walk Africa with me? I'm not holding my bottom line very well and it will only do me in.

[chalkfarm]

Want to walk Africa with me?

How wonderful! Yes! I'll bring the sunscreen!

[skywriter]

bugaboo,

 

Hi and welcome!

 

So here's my naive question: the raw pain and anguish of the many OPs on this board is palpable. But I'm not (yet) experiencing it, so have no first-hand knowledge. Nor do I remember the pain of ending things with an SP. Is the pain of ending with an MM much harder to go through? (It seems like it is.) And if so, why is that so? Because the fact that it's (usually) a secret makes it hard to admit to and get support for? Because the EMA is wrong in the first place and there's guilt on top of the heartbreak? Because sometimes they end abruptly via a D-day? Because of the broken promises? Other reasons?

 

For me the pain of ending the affair, is so different, than the ending of my marriage. I'm not minimising the ending of my marriage, by any means. These were two entirely different kinds of relationships. I know, an A isn't a real relationship, just didn't know another way to verbalize it.

 

It's true, the way the AP makes you feel, the chemical rush, looking forward to their call, planning to see them, all the dynamics of the A, are all hard to let go of.

 

I had awful moodswings, because I really never wanted to be in an A anyway. I was just acting so selfish. I was lonely after nearly six years of being alone and I finally gave in to his advances. So, I inflicted my own pain on myself.

[wannabdone]

Welcome!!! I first hand have been through this pain MANY times. For me, and I'm not sure it is the same with everyone, my pain stemmed from the fantasy I had played this up to be. How wonderful we would be together, him walking in the door from work and me jumping into his arms. The not knowing him in real life, kept him this perfect man in my eyes. The perfect man who would make all my wrongs in my life right, the man who would save me. My knight in shining armour, so to speak. When we dumped me for the final and last time, it brought up all of the painful memories not only from out past, but from other things that I had turned to him to "make my life better". It was also the fact that I have realized how sad and pathetic of a woman I was. That I was willing to be someone's no one, really, and looked to them to fix my wrongs. All of that coupled with there is no real arguments, no real breaking down of a relationship, as you go through in normal relationshps....just ....BOOM....NO CONTACT. It leaves you wondering why? Will he call me? does he think of me? etc. etc. Then you start feeling bad about your self because someone that has been so horrible to you, you miss them and you still love them.

 

Basically, its a whole host of emotions, that are not normally played out when its a "a-typical relationship".

 

I agree with the above poster, if you can, and if your not too terribly attached already....GET OUT. If he wants to be with you, he will be. But, do it on your terms, because you deserve more!!!

 

Good luck!!!