Why am I such a nasty, mean person?

[BK Girl]

A fight with my boyfriend last night made me realize how horrible I am and now I don't know how to go about changing it.

 

There are lots of things wrong with me, I guess, and I'm not sure where to start. I've been diagnosed with depression but don't go to therapy or take meds for it anymore since neither of them really helped. I've been battling bulimia for 7 years now and am doing pretty good with it lately. But the real problem is my severe mood swings. I don't know where they come from but my boyfriend seems to trigger many of them. We used to be really great together but now every time we see one another we fight usually due to something he says or a way he acts around me that makes me feel insecure. It seems like whenever I feel particularly vulnerable/insecure, I lash out and over react to things. Though he constantly reassures me of his love for me, I always am telling him that I don't feel that he cares about me and he says that hurts his feelings. This last weekend was particularly bad (he even said that it was his worst weekend ever). Friday night we got into a fight because he stood me up and I had cancelled all my plans for the whole weekend to be with him. Saturday I was still mad, but ended up getting over it and we had a great afternoon. Saturday night went okay, but Sunday was a real mess as we got into another fight over me feeling insecure again (I've been feeling lately that he's not as attracted to me as he used to be). Then Monday night I went to pick up my puppy from his place ( he wanted to spend time with my dog because he's absolutely in love with him) and got upset because he didn't really greet me or ask how my day was..he just went on and on about my dog and how he had treated him so great (he always implies that he treats my dog better than I do and even admitted last night during our fight that he thinks I'm mean to my puppy!).

 

I don't know how to change the way I am. I grew up with a really negative mother and so my thinking has sort of been conditioned that way. I know its wrong to lash out at people when I'm in a bad mood and that my insecure feelings really have no basis in realty and are just really paranoid worries but I always realize this too late (after the damage has been done). My b/f is leaving to out of town on a business trip for a week starting today. He says he doesn't want to fight with me anymore and that he can't take another weekend like last weekend. He says he still loves me and wants to be with me but that he needs to think about things and when he comes back we will talk more. Did my insecurities and mean streak ruin my relationship? How can I make him realize I'm trying to change? How can I make up for all the pain I've caused

[Sarah12385]

*hug* i'm sorry to hear of your situtation BK

 

have you tried going to a psychiatrist? i'm sure it would help a great deal, honestly.

 

admitting that you realize what you do and that you feel bad is a very *very* good quality to have, and saying that you want to changes things. i wish i could give you more info about this but i'm not sure what to say really, other than my opinion i gave up above.

 

have you tried St. John Wart? it's an over-the-counter type pill to help balance out moods (my mother takes it!) lol

 

check this out, you may get some better options/opinions:

 

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/Forum125/HTML/003590.html

 

i hope everything works out for you

 

~Sarah~

[Pyrannaste]

I am still under the impression that your boyfriend is a jerk from your "tired of being a doormat" thread.

From this post your boyfriend seems a okay guy who loves you and cares about you, and from your other one he sounds like a massive a**h***.

 

Are you sure you are "such a nasty, mean person" or are you just blaming it on you???

 

I don't know where they come from but my boyfriend seems to trigger many of them.

 

Were you this moody with your other boyfriends?

Or, as you said, is it him triggering the worst sides of your personality?

Again: are you sure it's you?

 

Apart from reassuring you that he loves you with words, does he show it in actions too?

 

now every time we see one another we fight usually due to something he says or a way he acts around me that makes me feel insecure.

 

honestly, do you really think you are overreacting? do you think other girls would also feel insecure in the same situations?

[meanon]

I agree that you should seek a referral to a psychiatrist. It's not that you are terribly ill, on the contrary I'm sure here is a lot of help available that will bring you some quick relief. You have been diagnosed with depression but the usual remedies haven't helped. That means either that the diagnosis is wrong or, more likely, that there are a couple of problems that are combining and that's why the usual meds didn't work. A psychiatrist would have the right kind of experience to pinpoint the specific problems. Therapy varies a lot in terms of how effective it is, again it may be that you just have not tried the right type for you.

 

Do read Thinkalot's threads, she has had similar problems to those you have encountered. As you say, it's often after the event that you realise that it's the insecurity that's the problem rather than the trigger at that moment. There are a couple of ways to tackle this. The first is to look back at all the events and realise what they have in common. Often it is a "false test" - if he loved me he would......(insert whatever you think he should do) and because he didn't do it he must not love me. Then the reaction kicks in. You can learn to spot these false tests. The second is to introduce a time delay between the point when you spot the false test and your reaction, thinking time. If this helps there are strategies you can learn to get rid of the thoughts without voicing them but the starting point is to stop the angry/upset reaction.

 

You are not a horrible person, you have a horrible problem but it is one you can do something about. I agree the low self esteem learned from your mother is a likely cause, so many people have this problem and there are lots of things you can do to overcome it but it's easier with the right kind of help. PM me if you would like a good self help book title.

 

Why not explain to your bf that you realise you have a problem and are taking responsibility for sorting it out? Ask for his help, show him this thread, anything to make him see you are serious and give him hope that things will improve.

 

Good luck.

[BK Girl]

Sometimes I think I over react and I'm okay with admitting it to him and apologizing. Last night when he called, the first thing he said was that he loved me and never wanted to fight again which I agreed to (I am sooo sick of fighting with him) but then he decided to take the conversation further by giving me a run down of all my horrible personality traits. He's been known to have crazy mood swings too (though not anywhere as often as mine) but when I pointed that out he just dismissed it, saying that I did it more often and continued to go on and on about how horrible I treat him..I feel so bad, he's even telling all of his coworkers what an awful person I am and how badly I treat my dog! He just wouldn't let up on me last night no matter how many times I apologized or told him I was trying to change. I feel like he just doesn't want to hear it anymore. Whenever I feel bad, I try to keep it to myself because I'm afraid that he'll get upset at me for being negative. His way of thinking is to keep all negative feelings bottled up inside (this is how he was raised) and to just deal with them on your own, but I've never been able to hide my emotions and don't think that this is a healthy way to go about dealing with my problems. Deep down I really think he's a great guy but has issues to work on too. I really love him, but these fights leave me feeling pretty messed up.

 

To answer your question: I have been tempermental with some boyfriends in the past, but it seems like my condition is far worse now (this is my first serious relationship in 2 years). My insecurities just get the better of me and I lash out. I feel that most women (and men) get jealous from time to time, no matter how self confident they are. I think jealousy is just another human emotion. On the matter of me being jealous of him checking out other women, I don't think that's wrong. What I do think is wrong is that I try and tell him that he's not into me as much because of it. I know deep down that its not true. But when I tell him how I feel about him doing that, he just says "I'm not blind, what am I supposed to do?" He's not willing to bend on that subject.

 

I'm at my wit's end now, waiting for him to call like he said he would before he leaves to L.A. for his business trip. I feel bad that I can't even see him before he goes. He informed me that we probably won't even see each other when he gets back cause his dad will be in town (he's meeting him in L.A.) and he'll be spending his time with him. Another thing that made me feel horrible is that I just found out last night that his dad doesn't even know we are dating (we've been together almost 8 months). His father is supposedly against both his sons having girlfriends and to prove this he sent his younger brother to work/live in a whole different country just because he had been seeing someone for a year and my b/f is afraid the same thing would happen if his father knew about us (though my b/f is 26, he still does everything his father says)

 

Yesterday I felt so confident that I was right and he was being an ass but last night's fight made me see everything differently.

[BK Girl]

Hi Meanon,

 

for some reason couldn't pm you, but am curious about the self help book you mentioned.

[meanon]

Oh sorry, I didn't realise you couldn't send or receive PMs. You need to give an email address when you register, I think. Here's a link to reviews:

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1854877259/202-9798868-7027003

 

Maybe once you get a handle on the self esteem issues that will give you a better feel for how much his behaviour is a reaction to the problems and how much is just him being unreasonable. Until then please do bear in mind that you may take on more of the blame for things going wrong than is wise.

[Becks84]

1. Tell him everything you have told us in your post! It's a huge deal that you even realize what needs to be changed/worked on. Good for you! It's obvious that you don't want to be a mean person! Usually mean people dont even know they are that way. You can change, no doubt, if you work at it.

2. Consider counseling again. Find a counselor that works for you!

3. The mood swings may be a part of your depression or something else similar. This can be treated with meds -- maybe you just never found the right one that worked for you. (If you're like me, you don't want to turn to pills for help, but sometimes it's worth it if it can improve your life.)

4. There are also other things you can do besides medicating the problem. You can work on it yourself all sorts of ways. Maybe you need to practice some relaxation -- there are many ways to do this! (working out, yoga, reading, finding comfort in your faith...etc) You can also just constantly listen to and watch your actions and try and control them. If it cannot be controlled, medication is probably needed.

You dont want to lose your bf...and you know this behavior could cause him to leave. Good for you for realizing this before it's too late! (I dont think it's too late -- your bf sounds great, very understanding and patient for putting up with all he has -- same with my guy )

5. I suggest you read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" -- explains and teaches all about communication! Very helpful book

 

Best wishes!

-becks

[faux]

Originally posted by BK Girl

A fight with my boyfriend last night made me realize how horrible I am and now I don't know how to go about changing it.

 

There are lots of things wrong with me, I guess, and I'm not sure where to start. I've been diagnosed with depression but don't go to therapy or take meds for it anymore since neither of them really helped. I've been battling bulimia for 7 years now and am doing pretty good with it lately.

 

I hope that you are confronting your eating disorder with professional help. Otherwise, so much good as you might think you are doing most likely will not go a very long way.

 

I speak from experience about counseling/psychiatrists and medication: Do not stop going to see a professional, or stop taking your medication unless a professional says that you can discontinue your treatment. Otherwise, this is a big, big "no no". If something is not working, try another therapist, another doctor, or another medication.

 

But the real problem is my severe mood swings. I don't know where they come from but my boyfriend seems to trigger many of them. We used to be really great together but now every time we see one another we fight usually due to something he says or a way he acts around me that makes me feel insecure. It seems like whenever I feel particularly vulnerable/insecure, I lash out and over react to things.

 

He is not causing anything. It is your insecurity and other problems that you have not properly dealt with that are causing you to lash out. You abandoned your treatment before you were ready to. I suggest you look into getting back on top of things. Your boyfriend is not the one intentionally doing things to you in order to cause you pain. You are the one who is interpreting things around you in this manner, and the manner in which you react to these situations is not healthy.

 

Though he constantly reassures me of his love for me, I always am telling him that I don't feel that he cares about me and he says that hurts his feelings.

 

Quite justifiably so that his feelings should be hurt from your reaction. If you do not feel that he cares for you, WHY are you in a relationship with him? I was with a girl who would always do this to me, and she had problems, too. I ended up leaving because I couldn't stand the turmoil she was causing, despite my best efforts.

 

This last weekend was particularly bad (he even said that it was his worst weekend ever). Friday night we got into a fight because he stood me up and I had cancelled all my plans for the whole weekend to be with him. Saturday I was still mad, but ended up getting over it and we had a great afternoon. Saturday night went okay, but Sunday was a real mess as we got into another fight over me feeling insecure again (I've been feeling lately that he's not as attracted to me as he used to be).

 

Again, if you feel that your boyfriend does not care about you, find you attractive, or any other negative things, WHY do you remain in this relationship? This is only going to drive you both nuts unless you get back into treatment. I cannot blame him for getting upset from your behavior, to be honest. I would not want to hear that the person I care for thinks that I do NOT care for her.

 

Then Monday night I went to pick up my puppy from his place ( he wanted to spend time with my dog because he's absolutely in love with him) and got upset because he didn't really greet me or ask how my day was..he just went on and on about my dog and how he had treated him so great (he always implies that he treats my dog better than I do and even admitted last night during our fight that he thinks I'm mean to my puppy!).

 

He was excited after having spent time with the dog. No doubt that he was caught up with having hung out with your puppy and it just slipped to greet you. Additionally, if he is your boyfriend I assume you spend quite a deal of time with him. When I see friends that I hang out with frequently, or girls that I frequently date, I do not ALWAYS say "Hello. Good evening. How are you and how was your day?"

 

When people become very accustomed to one another, formal greetings do not occur that frequently.

 

I do not think that he always implies that he treats your puppy better than you do. If he said to you with a clear mind, and no pressure, that yes, he does... Then sure, I suppose that he does. I think perhaps you are misinterpreting things here. As for what he said when he was angry, people say a lot of things they do not mean, or are not true, when they are angry at one another. Try asking him about it in a very comfortable, calm situation, in a polite manner. You will find out if he really meant it.

 

I don't know how to change the way I am. I grew up with a really negative mother and so my thinking has sort of been conditioned that way. I know its wrong to lash out at people when I'm in a bad mood and that my insecure feelings really have no basis in realty and are just really paranoid worries but I always realize this too late (after the damage has been done).

 

Knowing that you are doing wrong, or reacting improperly, is one thing. The fact remains that you still do so. You can change this about yourself by getting back on medications, if a professional recommends it. See a therapist or doctor again, and stick with your treatment until the point in time when you are authorized to stop by a professional.

 

My b/f is leaving to out of town on a business trip for a week starting today. He says he doesn't want to fight with me anymore and that he can't take another weekend like last weekend. He says he still loves me and wants to be with me but that he needs to think about things and when he comes back we will talk more. Did my insecurities and mean streak ruin my relationship? How can I make him realize I'm trying to change? How can I make up for all the pain I've caused

 

I have been in his situation before. To put it quite bluntly, I'm fairly certain you drove him completely nuts and have him horribly stressed out. I can imagine being around you would be rather difficult, and perhaps he is beginning to think that no matter what he does to show he loves you, that will never be good enough for you.

 

You can make him realize you are trying to change by doing so — going back into therapy, and back on meds. You cannot really "make up" for the pain and stress you may have caused.

 

Perhaps right now you need to focus on yourself. I do not believe that you can remain in a relationship and improve yourself at the same time. Maybe you should take time for you, as that is the most important thing. You realize that you have some problems which need to be mended, and that is far more pressing than worrying over the relationship that you are in.

 

You cannot change in one week, one day, or one month. This is going to take a lot of committment and trial and error. Things in your relationship would continue going as they are now, and would not be able to really improve for some time. Keep this in mind while you attempt to figure out what you are going to do.

[BK Girl]

Thanks for all of your replies...I've scheduled an intake appointment with a counselor for next week. Still unsure about getting back on meds though...I would like to try things without them first and hopefully that will go okay.

[moimeme]

...I would like to try things without them first and hopefully that will go okay.

 

If your body chemistry is messed up, you may need meds to put it straight again.

[Thinkalot]

Hi...I've been through battles with insecurity and obsessive thinking, and am still fighting them, but am better than I once was.

 

There are some threads of mine on this forum, in this section, which you may find useful to read through...some good advice offered.

 

Try not to beat yourself up too much. Getting help and recognising these things is a big step in itself.

 

Talk to your bf, tell him what you've expressed here. No doubt he'll be proud of you for wanting to try so hard.