Rut Busters

[RiverRunning]

I thought we could make a thread devoted to ways to break out of ruts. What have you done to get out of a rut in your relationship in the past? What would you do?

 

I picked up a gift (a shirt) for my partner today. He has long hair he ties back...and I know I have used (and lost) a great deal of his hair ties, so I tossed those into the gift bag to boot. When we were just dating, I was always the type to leave little gifts (candy, a note, some other small, non-edible gift) on his windshield. Sometimes I would get up very early, drive over to his place around 6 or 7 a.m., and put it on his car so he'd see it before he went to work.

 

We started living together several months ago, so picking up that gift kind of took me 'back' to some of the stuff I used to do. I know I'm just as responsible as he is for the rut we're in, and I'm trying to fix it.

 

Last week was our anniversary, and we went to a new museum together. I would like to start trying to have a little date like that for us every week.

 

In the last several months, I've lost 40 pounds (have about 40 more to go). I've been -trying- to dress in a more feminine way, I wear make-up, fix my hair, do my nails, the whole routine. I have bought lingerie and added other 'spice' to the bedroom.

 

What are you doing?

[Moonshine Jack]

I think you've figured it out.

 

My wife and I have been married for 4 years, but together for 9, and in that time (especially with two kids thrown into the mix), we've hit a rut or two.

 

We ended up realizing that, though we lived together, we weren't "living" together, and were just floating through the same old routines. The fix for that was to start getting out more, even with the kids in tow (more on that later), and start living life again.

 

Also, like you mentioned, we realized that, where we used to take meticulous care of ourselves to impress one another, over time we'd gotten complacent. To address this, we both started working out together, and we both started paying more attention to how we dressed/groomed ourselves. It turns my taking the time to look good for her makes her feel that much more loved/wanted, and the feeling is mutual.

 

As for the kids, once we stopped looking back at the freedom we'd "lost", and instead embraced our new lives as parents, things almost immediately got much, much better.

[RiverRunning]

I was sort of creeped out last night. We have felt more like roommates for a while now. Unless I put on some lingerie or we were already in bed, it was like the guy thought I was a vampire or something. I've grown really accustomed to maybe a virgin-style peck on the mouth or cheek in the morning and a few more times at night at dinner or before bed.

 

He has -never- been the type to be romantic to me. All that stuff I used to do? He never did it. Haha. He was much more physically affectionate and all of that, though.

 

So it surprised me when last night he announced, "What about if I make dinner tomorrow night?" I was freaked-OUT thinking he'd found some of my posts here. I've been sick lately and he acknowledged that cooking something simple can still take a lot out of me. I asked if we could include a bottle of wine and maybe dessert in these dinner plans. Who knows, though. I forgot to write out a list for him, so maybe I'll hear from him later in the day.

 

His job's been somewhat stressful lately and I work from home, so I'm balking at bringing it up and sending him a grocery list. I guess my feeling is that I want it to be his idea (whenever possible, as it was last night) and I want him to WILLINGLY do it, not begrudgingly. If he's since backed out or reconsidered, I don't want to be the one sending a list going "Here ya go!" so he can come home and act like a jerk about it. I don't know.

 

He's cooked a few times before but he always gets super-aggravated and frankly starts acting like a giant baby in the kitchen. Later on in the night after he offered, I did tell him, "If you're going to get all aggressive and throw a temper tantrum over it, then I would prefer you don't cook." This has been his 'out' in the past. It's more stress for me to deal with that and take over for him than it is for me to just cook. I realize telling him that was probably also discouraging, but in the few times he's cooked, it has happened basically every time. Argh.

 

Should I send the list or do I just pretend he never offered? If I send him a grocery list, I sort of feel like I'm prodding into it, which only means he'll probably get aggravated. He shouldn't offer if he isn't SINCERELY interested in doing it and it's just begrudging. I guess the best option is just to forget about it, see if he asks me and let it go otherwise, right?

[Mme. Chaucer]

If he is going to make dinner, why are you so concerned about sending him a grocery list? He'll deal with that too. Or not. But it's not on you.

 

I think maybe (unless the guy is really not a good boyfriend AT ALL) you are so all over the whole "romantic" portion of your relationship that there is not any room for him to take any initiative himself. Plus, he's not that type - you're always doing all that stuff (gifts, etc.) so why should he? You've got it covered, right?

 

What are the good things about your boyfriend? What are the positive things about your relationship with him? If you can't think of any, be honest, but if there are, try to connect with them.

[RiverRunning]

I had picked out a recipe earlier in the week to make, but we're a few ingredients short - I would've been happy to let him pick something else out if we didn't have ingredients that need to be used today.

 

You're right, though. I'm keeping my mouth shut. It's on him. If he does pull something together, great. If he doesn't, he doesn't.