God, will you let him slow down and let me catch up!!! He's running!

[Merickal]

I'm going to be 24 years old in two months.

 

It will be a year in June that my ex and I met, and seven months since we made a relationship official. I went up to him at a party. He told me the night that we met that he had three children, and had been married for twelve years (He's 30, now). In August he wanted more. I didn't. I knew I wasn't ready. I am vey insecure, and been through some messy relationships in the past. His situation, of course, was another reason. But I buckled after a while.

 

We didn't see each other much. Kept it very light throughout. I was okay with that. He always stressed he wanted me to be indepenedent. His x-wife was not. I know he still has scars over her. (She cheated on him, and they got divorced two years ago). I always wanted to be independent, too. I guess the reason why I thought our relationship would work was because I figured it would help me become more independent, because I couldn't demand his time or see him all the time. Oh, but I MISSED him more than anything and couldn't wait to see him on his nights off (He has full custody).

 

Well, my parents never reeally excepted him. It bothered him so much. My family is very traditional (I know they only want the best for me, though). Freddy Bear did everything he could to get them to except him. He showed up with flowers when I wasn't home, and had a talk with them. When I saw him that night he told me that my Mother told him that I needed a lot of attention. And I'm sure she must have said some things that made Freddy Bear think twice about us. But he still stuck by. Still tried. On another occassion he was hurt when he saw the flowers he sent my Mother for Thanksgiving were put it my room, and when he was not allowed over my family's. I fought for it. They wouldn't budge. It killed me.

 

FINALLY, they begin excepting him. And he met my whole family on Chirstmas. I had the best Christmas of my life. I got back from work on Christmas at two, and put presents I bought for him and the kids under the tree, while they were sleeping. And we spent the morning, opening up presents. (His father is estranged and his mother died when he was fourteen. His siblings had their own families now. They decided on a grab bag) So, I wanted to make his Christmas special and probably spent more than I should have. haha. It was okay, because it not only came from my pocket, it came from my heart. Haha.

 

He bought me a beautiful bracelet, and I lost it a week later. I think that's when things started to crumble. He wasn' tmad at all. But I flipped. I was an emotional mess for two weeks. I scared him. He told me he worries about the way that I handle things. That if something big were to happen, he's not sure how I would cope. (And he's right. I don't handle things very well). But he STILL stuck by.

 

I almost got fired from my job, at that same time. From a random drug test. I binged alittle for Christmas. In my panic, I told my Father that I smoked with Freddy Bear. I didn'y know what to do. My Father and I are very close. Freddy Bear didn't handle that good, though. In any event, the test came out negative. I never smoked agin after that.

 

Anyway, things were starting to go up and down with us. We were starting to hit heads a lot. I think I became more needy from those points on, and he was becoming more distant. I think I was making him miserable, because I was miserable. We still had our good times, though they were less and less.

 

He never felt like I listened to him. My phone cut out, and I have this tendency to ramble on and on (as you can probably tell. Haha). With this, it's trying to get to the point... With that, it's an insecurity. Haha. He hung up on me and wouldn't call me back for like two days. I kept telling him surely I would have heard him and stopped talking if he was saying something. I left a message singing, "I called just to say I love you, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart". You know, that dumb song? I knew he'd be laughing. And he called me back that night. Went right back to joking around again. I like to more joke about things. I know he did. But it probably left him not taking me too serious.

 

But I WAS serious. Very serious about him. And I think the more he settled in, the less he tried. Phone calls were less and less frequent. I told him I need someone to be emotionally there for me. Because of his sitaution, he couldn't really take me out, and all that. Didn't really matter. He was the type of guy I could just sit on the couch and watch TV with and have an awesome time. That's how I knew I loved him. But he wasn't dropping me a call to say a quick 'hi' at the end of the day, you know?

 

Don't get me wrong, he was going through some trouble with work. A dry spell and he's got to put food on the table for his kids. His car kept breaking down. But I don't think I wasn asking to much.

 

ANYWAY (This long ass thread)-- I was afraid of this! Haha.

 

I know he tried the best he could. I know he was tired at the end of his day. He's a laborer. And he had a pill problem, that he was trying to rid himself of. (I

told my father about it, and when Freddy bEar heard that I told him, he was so upset. It never stopped him from coming over though.) He had told me that I make him want to be a better person. He had ALSO told me he felt he could never make me happy. I told him little things make me happy.

 

I mean, obvious enough he has issues. I know. I have issues. I'm a bit of a sex fiend. He was always the one trying to keep me tame. Haha. I always wanted him. That's what did him in.

 

What happened was supposed to go out with my friend one night in March and I wanted him to go. It was on his night off, but he had to work early in the morning. We didn't get to his house until midnight. He didn't want to go. (I don't blame him now). I couldn't understand it that night, though. So we kind of debated about it for a little, while my Friend waited in the car. Didn't really argue. I asked if I could stop by later for a booty call, and he told me not to. I got drunk and I stopped over at 4 in the morn and he flipped. Ugh, he killed me. He was running from room to room like a rabbit from a predator. I know I shouldn't have followed, but I was already embarassed. I started crying, and evenutally left.

 

When we talked before the booty call, we left it where I should call him Saturday. It would have been fine, if I never went over there. Ugh. I keep blaming myself.

 

In any event, left a message. Never heard back. That was Saturday about two months ago. I called three weeks later. Three days later, I get a call from him, saying he was at his sister's b-day party and when he got home he'd explain everything. Never heard back from him. I called him and left a message saying I Was confused before, but now I'm REALLY confused. Easter comes around, and I left him a message telling him how I felt. He called me back that night and we talked.

 

He told me that he was made for a couple weeks and that now he decided that he needs to get his life together. I believe him. He told me that he still loves me and that he believes we're compatible. I believe that, too.

 

We just clicked from the start of it all. And although, I have my issues, I'm still growing still changing. I would NEVER do that again to him. I feel so bad. I know it was wrong.

 

He also mentioned that he was still bothered about tellling my father. I feel like he thinks I sold him out. I told him that I was sorry, and that I was confused. I care about him so much. He said it was his business, and I know it was. I still feel so bad. What more could I say? Ugh.

 

I just don't know what to do. I love him so much. We had our talk. I asked him what he wanted to do and he left it up to me. I told him maybe we should just go back to seeing each other, that things get all messed up with me when the word 'relationship' is attached. He said okay, but that I can't have any expectations. I agreed. I said maybe it's better than if you just call me. He said the infamous 'I'll call you'.So, we hung up. And then I called him back two seconds later, asking him to come and see a show I was in that was closing that weekend, a week away. He said yes. I said I'll talk to you sometime next week, then.

 

And I never heard from him again. I called that weekend to give him directions and said I hope to see you there, but that was it.

 

It's going to be one month since I've talked to him, and I still feel the same day as I did when it first happened. Maybe not as emotional, but I think of him non-stop and I still love him just as strongly. I know, that I shoudl have listened to him that night and I feel I disrespected him. I wish he could forgive me. I know that somewhere I'm still in his his heart. I am sure that he still thinks of me from time to time. I know that he needs this for himself and for his children. I know he has to get his life in order, and get clean, and still get over his past. But I know that our time together as short lived as it may have been was special. I would like a second chance. I know that I would be the best girlfriend I could for him, because I love him. I want to be supportive and listen, and laugh with him again. I want it to be "easy" like he had said he wanted. But sometimes it's not, right?

 

I was thinking about sending him a letter. Not all mushy stuff. Just let him know how I'm doing, hope him and his children are doing well, miss him, you know. I started writing it. I'm just scared. I know I can hope but I can't expect to hear from him. I mean, I'm been thinking about stopping by, but I'm afraid he'll flip or not answer the door. It happened to me once before with a past realtionship, but I know Freddy Bear's different. I'm still have my own scars. I feel I need to do something. I love him dearly. I have been living my life, but my life doesn't feel the same with out him.

 

I've given it time, is there anything more I can do?

 

I was going to put this tatoo I said I would draw him in the letter. I told him I would draw it for him when school got out. I think he'd like that.

 

Everyone's telling me to let him go. But how do I let the love of my life just slip anyway? I miss his kids! I miss everything about him. With what he's been through and what he's going through, sometimes I feel that he needs to be reassured of how much I love him. I feel like he's just going through a phase.

 

I keep on thinking he's going to call or stop by. But I think even if it were in his head, he'd be emabarassed by the whole sitaution. I sometimes feel he will neevr come back, because I told my Father about his "old" habit. My Father asked me, though. I don't lie to my Dad. But I did. I told my Father he stopped. I don't think Freddy Bear would ever want to face my family again after trying so hard initailly and than breaking my heart. But love is stronger than pride, they say. I just feel I have to make a move over here, even if it's just as reassurance that I still love him.

 

This has got to be th longest thread ever. I'm sorry. Thanks for sticking by. Any advice would help... How to win the heart back of the man you love.

[HokeyReligions]

Whew!

 

What I got out of your post is:

 

He wants an independent woman, not one who will cling to him.

You won't let him go and you think loving someone is all that matters.

 

He doesn't want you in his life and is working to get you out of his heart because he knows that is what is best for him and for his children. It sounds like you are in denial.

 

Drug use/abuse aside - you two do not sound compatible. Loving someone does not mean the relationship is healthy or that either of you is good for the other.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting and you miss him, but let go and move on. Take what you have learned about yourself and use it in future relationships. When it's really the right guy you won't have these problems.

[Ally Boo]

Hey Hokey! You were MUCH nicer than I was gonna be.

 

Basically, I agree, sounds like your clinginess is just pushing him away, and making you look psychotic. Take a minute and re-read your post...step outside of your own shoes and read exactly what you are saying.

 

I know you love him, but what self respecting person chases someone around and makes themselves look like a fool? Sounds to me like you're used to acting up, and him reacting by giving you attention, and now that it hasn't worked this time, you're freaking out. Have you thought that maybe he's sick of it? Maybe he doesn't want crazy-makers and drama going on in his life! That's all you are giving him, and you can't manipulate his emotions to give you the attention you "need." Because you know what you really need? Serious, intense therapy. Get some fast before everyone else you love leaves too. Sorry for being mean, but you need a wake up call.

[Merickal]

Wow, that was harsh girls.

 

I guess I could try to understand what you are both saying. Stalker? Don't think so. Been actually, pretty respectful. Haven't stopped by. Just been given silence. I didn't hound him. I gave him weeks at a time to find out what was going on.

 

And as far as the situation that awful night (By the way thanks for the pangs of how wrong I was): I was his girlfriend. Like I said, I didn't get to see him much. I hadn't seen him in a week. I don't know if you've been in a situation like this or not. But it's difficult.

 

Anyway, not looking for an argument here. I don't know if I could justify myself anymore than I already have. I put myself out there, and don't expect everyone to understand how I feel. Thanks for trying, though.

[Merickal]

Anyone else out there that could offer some advice? Tp whatever degree it may be, bring it on, I guess.

[moimeme]

Well, sometimes people just goof bigtime. I don't think you're a stalker or a wierdo or anything else. If you read Mars and Venus, you'll read about the elastic band effect. Woman fears losing man, tries to cling harder. Man, fearing being clung to (apparently the worst possible thing any human can do to another, even if only temporarily), flees in opposite direction. Had you had your copy of M&V handy, you'd have known that the smart thing to do is to back 'way off so that the male figures out that you are not, in fact, a loon.

 

Unfortunately, it sounds as though you may have been on the 'push' end of the elastic too long and he got a case of 'FatalAttractionPhobia'. You may be able to win him back, but the odds aren't good, I'm afraid.

[princessjulieanne]

Its hard when you really screw up to get it back again. I did something very much like you, well I didn't chase him but only because he had locked the door and wouldn't let me in. I had phoned him the weekend before and basically asked questions that I'd never had the nerve to ask before and it annoyed him. Anyhow that was on Sunday. By Wednesday I was feeling a bit guilty and called him to apologize. I left a message and said I was just calling to apologize. I stopped on the way home from work, he was there but had the door locked and didn't open the door. I apologized through the door, he called me on my cell after I left and said to leave him alone. I have not contacted him since then as I realized if we were ever to be friends again I needed to back off. Its hard, but I just think about that locked door and I manage. Hopefully with the time and space I will get to the point where I don't want him back so its a good situation for me as well to not be near him or talk to him. I've been told by several on this site "no contact" is the best way to go. Take Care.

[Merickal]

Thanks Julie. It's nice to have someone who can relate to you, instead of rip you a new ***hole. Haha. (I know I deserve it to an extent, but almost three months later and I'm still feeling really bad about all this). I'm already very hard enough on myself. It sucks always feeling bad about eveything. I know I screwed up initially.

Everyone tells me that it must have been brewing in him for awhile. I read Lost in Chicago's post and almost 99.9% sure I may have been a stressor. He was real stressed with his job slowing down, and with his kids, didn't have much down time for himself. I think he just needed some cooling down time from our tiff earlier that evening, and unfortunately I was really selfish. Still miss him so much. I know he needs his freedom, and has to take care of his family. And I know I was immature that night. I haven't tried to contact him since I last posted here. That was around Easter. Ugh. It's been tough, but I'm rollerblading everyday, drawing, taking a class, working as much as I can, going out, meeting people and making friends... life doesn't feel quite the same without him, though. I'm sad, I'm happy. I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, Julie. Sometimes (at least people like me) need a good slap in the face to learn. And, Julie, I couldn't apologize enough to him. I screwed up big time. I didn't show him the respect that he desereved. He was trying to make a life for himself! Ugh. I'll never let myself live this one down. The only thing that's keeping me going, is knowing that I *ucked up, but HE ultimately put the wall up.

I only have one thing left to do. I've been drawing him this tattoo he had wanted a couple months before we broke up. I told him I would draw it for him when school got out. Well, I just finished it today and I'm going to send it to him tomorrow with a small note hoping that everything is well, and saying I'm sorry. I'm very scared. I know I can't expect anything at this point, though. Easter was the last time we talked. I wonder if too much time has passed... or not enough... I know that odds are against me, but I have to do this just to leave this off with a good feeling. I didn't ask him to call, didn't get overbearingly mushy. I just ended it saying 'if this brings anything, I hope that it will bring a smile to your face'. And I mean it. Of course, it would be awesome to hear from him, but I guess I would be content knowing that I did all I could, took the time to draw something real nice for him (never drew anything for anyone before), and that it will make him smile. I see that smile so vivid in my head still. And his laugh. That's what I miss most. Miss laughing with him. He had an contagious laugh... Oh well. So is life... sigh.

What do you think? I know everybody's so anti-contact here... With the responses I've gotten, I'm pretty frightened of what's going to come back on this post, if anything at all. Haha. It will be my last attempt. I promise myself. Do you think it's been enough time? Do you think if I go in expecting nothing and trying to

consider this closure for myself, I won't be so hurt if he doesn't call?

Still aching over my stupidity months later.... God help me.