Handling a Partner who isn't Romantic

[RiverRunning]

I'm kind of a romantic. I've been the type to surprise boyfriends with gifts, leave little notes or trinkets on their cars, leave stockings at their doorstep before knocking and taking off. I once drove 10 miles through a blizzard to bring my boyfriend a gift. Every guy I've dated hasn't been romantic.

 

I hate feeling like all of the responsibility of picking where we'll go for a date or even out to dinner is on me.

 

I can't explain how nice it would be to have a boyfriend who brought a bottle or two of wine home occasionally on the weekends, made an effort for a romantic night, brought toys into the bedroom, even bothered more often to get me off every then and again. If I want excitement in the bedroom - toys, lingerie, massage oils, etc. - it's all on me. If I want to be pleased in the bedroom - I'd best speak up or I won't get any.

 

We've talked about the issues at least a few times in the last few months. He apologizes, reassures me he'll try harder...does it once or twice and gives up. I have a relationship book with exercises in it meant to improve communication between couples. One of them involved writing out lists of needs we would like to have met in a relationship, whether or not they were presently met in our relationship. Once again, when he realized my need for romance/gifts/excitement, he apologized and reassured me it would change. Oh boy. What a broken record.

 

It feels like every man I date just gives up at some point. My partner will occasionally make reference to how I'm 'his' and he'll teasingly say I 'can't escape.' I remind him that we're not engaged and not married. Not because I'm trying to be a jerk - but because I am trying to reinforce that he doesn't have everything locked down and he needs to make an effort. I still do.

 

I consider myself a faithful person, but the many things missing from our relationship do make me think about other people fairly often. I would not act on these thoughts. I like the idea of having passionate sex again or coming home one night to find he's made dinner.

 

He rejected my sexual advances for a long time, and over time I just came to accept it. I rarely think about sex anymore, especially with him. He makes the majority of the advances now - if not all of them. The last few times we've had sex, I've started experiencing pain and I've told him to stop. Admittedly, I'm afraid of trying to get back into having sex. Especially when it just feels like the same dull mechanical process over and over again until I initiate change. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done.

 

 

No matter how often I tell him, it seems I can't impress upon him how serious these needs are.

 

It's like because all of his needs are met, he's got tunnel vision and he doesn't understand how unhappy I am with it. I realize it's probably foolish to focus on romance...but I want excitement in my relationship at least every now and then.

 

I don't need ponies and unicorns every day, but it would be nice to see some effort out of the ordinary at least every month or so.

 

Is there any other recourse? Should I learn to live without romance? Is there some way to communicate to him how important this is that I'm missing? Maybe a little more anger or something when I tell him? I think the 'calm conversation' about it just is not sticking.

 

I don't feel like he appreciates, loves or desires me. He'll show physical affection - kiss me, hug me, and tell me he loves me fairly often - but that's about the extent of it.

Edited October 26, 2011 by RiverRunning

[Metis]

RiverRunning: I am sorry you are having trouble.

 

I can only speak from personal experience here, and I hope it helps. I am not very romantic. Rather, I am very romantic, but only in small doses. Virtually every man I've ever dated has been more romantic than I. I mean well, and I love truly. I occasionally do surprise gifts, romantic dinners and what not; but I also forget anniversaries and I don't really attach sentimental value to objects (such as "our first CD"; "that car in which we made out that one time when there was a terrible thunderstorm", etc.) I enjoy saying heartfelt, passionate, tender things and hearing them; but I hate extended maudlin talk, and I cringe when I hear things that are conventional but obviously insincere (such as "you are my whole world" or "I will do anything you ask me, ANYTHING!!" or "if you ever leave me, I will die"). I will say "I love you" sincerely, but beyond that, I am no good at weaving long, poetic excursuses into all the ways in which I am in love.

 

The best I can explain it, it's a sensory overload type of thing. Once I get my maximum dose of romanticism, I get a slightly bad taste in my mouth, and I become standoffish for a while. Plus, even if it's not meant that way, constant small romantic gestures (romantic gestures, as opposed to merely caring) feel like upping the ante on me. For example, if my boyfriend leaves little post-its with declarations of love all around the house, now I feel like the ball is in my court to come up with something similar and equally or more creative to show my appreciation. And when it's done all the time, it feels exasperating.

 

This has occasionally caused friction when men I was involved with. So if this is something you can't live with, it's understandable. But if you want to try to make it work -- all I can suggest is, tone it down a little. Trying to turn your boyfriend into a more romantic person, however -- if he's like me, it won't work, just cause more irritation.

[RiverRunning]

I should clarify - I don't mean constant little displays of love. That's sort of the high school sort of movie-type displays of romance. That kind of constant display would drive me nuts too. Most of the stuff I mentioned I did earlier in my relationship wasn't that common and it was spread out over the course of two years. I left things on his car a few times. To his credit, he did once leave flowers in my car. I had forgotten about that, so it's nice to remember.

 

Picking up a bottle of wine for dinner? Some candles? Bring a new toy into the bedroom, look up a new position we can try? Look up a place where we could go on a date? I mentioned in another thread around these parts that he brought up the idea of making dinner for us tonight. In the 2 or 3 times he's cooked for us in the past, he's ended up throwing childish temper tantrums - again, after offering to cook dinner without any pressure from me. He can be impatient.

 

I'm fine without him making dinner if he would try to do some other stuff. There is a difference, maybe, between 'romantic' in the conventional sense - Hollywood type stuff - and 'effort,' which I think is what I'm more focused on. I don't think we're born to be 'romantic' or 'not romantic,' but there's a divide between 'willing to make the effort' and 'not willing to make the effort.'

 

He did end up showing me more physical affection last night - we haven't just kissed in a non-family-member-style in a good, long while.

 

I let him know that I would be happy if every now and then he just announced, "We're going to this restaurant tonight," or "We're going on a date here," instead of leaving all of the planning and research to me. He told me that sounded like fun. I hope it -really- sounds like fun and not drudgery.

 

So he's not the type who's going to take the lead on making an effort. Fine. But even one out of every five times would leave me feeling much more secure and appreciated.

[Mme. Chaucer]

RR -

 

I am not "a romantic," but my husband is so very unromantic (also, oblivious ) that at times, there are issues.

 

But, from your post, there is a LOT more going on here that is not good in your relationship than a lack of romantic gestures. For example, there is a big range of territory between bringing toys into the bedroom, and "bothering" to get you off.

 

I am even getting the impression that part of the problem is you. I have very limited information, but basically, I get the sense that

 

1) you chose a guy who is a certain way, and have become increasingly dissatisfied with him, though he is just being himself.

 

2) though you are trying to be direct (the book), you also resort to passive-aggressive behavior to try to get him to do what you'd like.

 

3) you've had a pattern like this in the past.

 

So. There is a possibility that your boyfriend is an inconsiderate, selfish jerk and just bad boyfriend material at this point in his life. If this is the case, you won't change him. I can't tell - you haven't shared the good things about him in this post. But if this IS the case, then you need to look at why you are with a selfish inconsiderate jerk. Maybe even break up.

 

If that's not the case, you are going to need to really accept him for who he is and work within that parameter. For example, saying you'd appreciate it if he'd surprise you with a bottle of wine or a restaurant date "every now and then" is exactly the set up to fail. He is not thinking in that direction, ever. When you say that, he might do it soon (if he basically cares and has good intentions for a happy relationship) but then it disappears from his mind.

 

You will need to be very specific in your request, and focus on ONE thing at at time. For example, you can say something like, "Please make a plan on your own for a date with me one Saturday per month." You might have to be even more specific, like designate the 2nd Saturday per month as being his "special date night."

 

But DON'T go all out about the sex issues, the dinner making, the wine bringing, the date planning, when you talk about it. That's overwhelming; he'll read it as your basic and overarching dissatisfaction with him and your relationship (which I also read, btw) and be likely to shut down, feeling like he "can't win."

 

If he fails, you will have to let him know. When he does it, though, make a really big deal about how great it is.

 

And you will have to do all of this without acting butt hurt, entitled, angry or nagging.

 

It's not "romantic" to have to train a person to make romantic gestures, or to focus on pleasing you, or to be more considerate, but if you go through it you can actually see some transformation in your relationship. That's because he will enjoy and benefit from it as well as you.

 

In my relationship with my husband, we've had some discord about him being oblivious to certain things that are very important to me. Like you, I would remind him and he would respond in a way I liked, but soon it would fall back to normal.

 

It still does to a point … but I reached him in a way that worked. I told him to look at this stuff as a "job" he was responsible to do, and to do well.

 

My husband is a VERY "tasky" person. He could easily understand why my requests were reasonable, and that I was asking for something that was important to me. That did not change the fact that such things easily fall completely off his radar quickly. But leaving an important JOB undone, or done half-assed … well, this man cannot abide such a thing!

 

I was loathe to take this approach. The whole idea of considerate, romantic, sexy gestures is that they came out of nowhere but the giver's imagination and care for us, right? Making it into a "job" was pretty appalling.

 

Oh, well!

 

I did what I had to do to try to get myself happier, and get some things going in our relationship that I knew would be wonderful for both of us.

[RiverRunning]

He made more of an effort at the beginning of the relationship. During the first year or so we were together, he was much more physically affectionate and he was able to pin down dates better. What I liked about him back then was that he was the type to just declare, "All right, let's go do this now - do you want to do that?" Back then, it seemed he was more adventurous and more willing to try new things. In retrospect, what seemed 'new' and 'exciting' back then was probably just him recycling his 10 favorite spots over again.

 

Over time, all of the responsibility is increasingly left to me. I even miss the days when he would just say, "Let's go here for dinner." That alone would be an improvement.

 

I know I've made passive-aggressive remarks - I do regret them. I have no excuse for them.

 

We've talked so many times but admittedly I haven't shown the consistency I should. I'd say something like, "The last Saturday of every month, let's do X." He would agree. But I wouldn't hold him to it or remind him of it and he would forget and back into the same old pitfall. That last line almost sounds like I'm straddling the line between 'mother' and 'girlfriend.' I am sitting here asking myself if I really want to hold this man's hand the whole way through a tutorial of how he should treat me three years into our relationship.

 

I feel like I don't know what to do. I've told him and just let it simmer...and it happens a few times and nothing. Other times, I've drilled it repeatedly into his head, he keeps it going...and it fizzles. I've made very precise statements of what I would like.

 

Earlier on in our relationship, he made sure to get me off. He made sure to spend time on me. He would get disappointed if he couldn't get me off. Around a year, year-and-a-half ago, he just stopped caring. I bought a vibrator during that time and it was the biggest mistake of my life, as he only wanted oral and would never do anything with me so long as the vibrator was there. I was THRILLED when it broke. If toys do come into our bedroom again, they will be used by both of us when we're playing together. I am not going back to masturbation. I can do that when I'm single.

 

I have made big deals out of the efforts he's made. For my birthday earlier this year, I was expecting to be disappointed. I was surprised when he showed up with a beautiful necklace for me after I'd made a passive remark while watching a jewelry commercial months earlier about a pretty necklace. I made a huge deal out of it. I showed everyone I knew. I complimented him over and over again. I still bring it up and how thoughtful it was that he put effort into my birthday (apparently he spent hours and walked through several stores to find it). He's never done that before. If he brings me flowers, I compliment those.

 

I know better than to add the litany of, "But all those other times you didn't do x, y, z" after he's done something well. I try my best to make it clear. Frankly, we're all kind of like dogs. Say "Good boy!" enough and hopefully the behavior will get repeated (..not saying he's a dog. All right, this is a bad analogy).

 

I know I need to be more consistent, clear and direct by setting dates, times, deadlines, what have you. I'm thinking in terms of myself. I know if a partner approached me about doing the same for him, I have a general idea of how often and when I should do it. Prior to me, my boyfriend had only long-distance relationships and a girlfriend in high school many years ago. He's never had to do the day-to-day stuff so he has no clue how this works. I guess.

 

In the past, when I gave clear and concise dates, he reacted poorly. But you're right - I was probably laying all the issues out at once. How far apart should I space these complaints? When I've attempted to do that in the past...say, a few days...a week...he still pieces it all together and feels attacked. I've felt like my only choices in the past are a.) shut up, quietly simmer and tolerate most of it or b.) just get it all out there to make sure it's all heard. I know there's a better way, it's just a matter of finding it.

 

I'm fairly inexperienced in relationships myself - this is only my second, as I started dating when I was considerably older than most people - so part of me is still trying to feel out what's acceptable to put up with in a relationship and what isn't.

 

I know that had I felt better about myself and my appearance, I probably would've bailed through some of the nonsense I went through earlier in the relationship. Most of that has settled but there is still some residual hurt, especially in light of the many issues we're going through now.

 

After being rejected for so long, my self-esteem is pretty shot and I've come to believe that I would never be able to find anyone else. Every man I've dated has rejected me in some capacity or made it clear that my looks are in some way subpar - either outright (like my ex did) or more clandestinely, like repeatedly rejecting me for sex for months at a time. Realistically, I know it's -probably- not true that I couldn't find anyone else.

 

Last night I felt some enjoyment and excitement related to my relationship for the first time in a very, very long time. I do know that. It was a good feeling to have that again - I had forgotten what it felt like. I would like to have more of it. I know that's why I'm thinking about others so often...because I'm imagining the excitement we had a long time ago.