Why is cheating bad?

[Capris]

Hi, i am having these thoughts lately.

 

Dont hate me for the title, but you will understand it later on.

Yes, i am the OW, i hate me because of it, i hate cheating and i get jealous too.Ironic, i know.

 

Recently i found out about a MM that cheated and it was like the sky fell on my head. He was one of those guys that you would never ever think that they will be capable of doing it and they were one of those couples that most considered blessed...

 

After hearing about that i was like "ok, somethings wrong here"...

 

So i was thinking and id love to hear your thoughts too,

Why is it so bad if everyone does it?

 

I am not trying to stop my guilt or justify my actions or anything, i probably will never be able to find cheating ok, cause its how i grew up(again, ironic). I was just wondering,for years human beings are cheating and for all i know they will keep doing it, so why do we consider it so bad? Isnt it weird?

[jwi71]

Hi, i am having these thoughts lately.

 

Dont hate me for the title, but you will understand it later on.

Yes, i am the OW, i hate me because of it, i hate cheating and i get jealous too.Ironic, i know.

 

Recently i found out about a MM that cheated and it was like the sky fell on my head. He was one of those guys that you would never ever think that they will be capable of doing it and they were one of those couples that most considered blessed...

 

After hearing about that i was like "ok, somethings wrong here"...

 

So i was thinking and id love to hear your thoughts too,

Why is it so bad if everyone does it?

 

I am not trying to stop my guilt or justify my actions or anything, i probably will never be able to find cheating ok, cause its how i grew up(again, ironic). I was just wondering,for years human beings are cheating and for all i know they will keep doing it, so why do we consider it so bad? Isnt it weird?

 

In all my travels and years - almost a decade of living overseas in various Asian countries - I find one cross cultural norm.

 

Nobody likes to be betrayed.

 

You are, of course, free to tell your MM's wife this very thing. What's stopping you?

[norajane]

Because it's a mass of lies, deceptions, gaslighting and betrayals.

 

Everyone DOES NOT cheat. That's a messed up perspective.

 

One person, in particular, is NOT cheating, and that is the BS. So that person is continually lied to, deceived and betrayed, every day that they are married to someone who is cheating.

 

If it were out in the open - both partners know and agree - then it is not cheating. That is an open marriage. Few and far between.

[Capris]

@norajane So i guess im just one of those people that just have all these bad expiriences and thinks that everyone cheats? Maybe :/

 

@jwi71 right on the spot, true, noone likes to be betrayed. But my question is one step further, why have people , through the years have come to consider cheating as betrayal?

It has nothing to do with me and my life choices, as i said , i already feel bad about what ive done and most likely, i will never forgive myself.

 

Its just that it seems everyone around me is cheating and im not only talking about my group of friends, cause yeah i should change them if it was so bad, but Everyone i hear about is or has cheated, no matter what decade or anything. Dunno, its weird.

[norajane]

But my question is one step further, why have people , through the years have come to consider cheating as betrayal?

Because it is?

be·trayed, be·tray·ing, be·trays 1. a. To give aid or information to an enemy of; commit treason against: betray one's country.

b. To deliver into the hands of an enemy in violation of a trust or allegiance: betrayed Christ to the Romans.

 

2. To be false or disloyal to: betrayed their cause; betray one's better nature.

3. To divulge in a breach of confidence: betray a secret.

4. To make known unintentionally: Her hollow laugh betrayed her contempt for the idea.

5. To reveal against one's desire or will.

6. To lead astray; deceive. See Synonyms at deceive.

I'd say definitions 2 and 6 apply to cheating. Could also include 3, if the cheating spouse is telling the OP information that the betrayed spouse would consider a secret between the two of them, or a breach of confidence between the spouses.

 

Cheating ALWAYS involved deception. Cheating always involved breaking a promise of fidelity to the spouse.

 

So how is it NOT betrayal, both of the promise of fidelity and in terms of the falseness, disloyalty and deception?

[Capris]

Maybe a better version of my question is, why arent all marriages "open marriages" to begin with?

 

I think they will be in the future. Again, i cant even imagine myself with being ok with that but id love for my child to be able to not feel bad about being cheated on or cheating.

 

On the other hand, id love for people not to cheat. Thats the ideal for me. I would love for all the happy endings to exist. I just cant see them. Of course, im one of the obstacles thats helping cheating to exist..but i think you get the picture.

 

Is it only me?Is it only the cheated on/cheated with that sees things like this?

Are there actually people that have never ever cheated on their life partner?

I think i can name only one couple and i cant tell for sure.

[Capris]

@norajane I totally agree with that. Maybe we should define first, why people cheat?

 

why arent people satisfied with their choices and have to go find someone else?I just have lost faith in people, definantly cause im one of the cheaters, come to think of it...but despite me, i see cheating everywhere.

Do people make such poor choices when it comes to "partner for life" option? Geez..

[jwi71]

@jwi71 right on the spot, true, noone likes to be betrayed. But my question is one step further, why have people , through the years have come to consider cheating as betrayal?

 

Because one swears, in some form or fashion, to be faithful to the other either as BF/GF or in some type of marriage ceremony. A promise of exclusivity. One that is broken - hence the betrayal.

 

Its just that it seems everyone around me is cheating and im not only talking about my group of friends, cause yeah i should change them if it was so bad, but Everyone i hear about is or has cheated, no matter what decade or anything. Dunno, its weird.

 

As I said before...you are free to tell his W.

What's stopping you again?

[Capris]

@norajane I totally agree with that. Maybe we should define first, why people cheat?

 

why arent people satisfied with their choices and have to go find someone else?I just have lost faith in people, definantly cause im one of the cheaters, come to think of it...but despite me, i see cheating everywhere.

Do people make such poor choices when it comes to "partner for life" option? Geez..

[bentnotbroken]

Maybe a better version of my question is, why arent all marriages "open marriages" to begin with?

 

I think they will be in the future. Again, i cant even imagine myself with being ok with that but id love for my child to be able to not feel bad about being cheated on or cheating.

 

On the other hand, id love for people not to cheat. Thats the ideal for me. I would love for all the happy endings to exist. I just cant see them. Of course, im one of the obstacles thats helping cheating to exist..but i think you get the picture.

 

Is it only me?Is it only the cheated on/cheated with that sees things like this?

Are there actually people that have never ever cheated on their life partner?

I think i can name only one couple and i cant tell for sure.

 

 

My belief system does not define marriage as a revolving door to bonk at will whatever makes my vagina tingle. I don't believe in perfect marriages. I do believe in honesty, fidelity and respect. None of which are displayed in cheating. I haven't cheated and I was with Mr. Messy for over 20+ years. I guess it doesn't matter to me what others do in the world. I believe that hurting others and living a life with large parts of deceit has little to do with what others are doing and more about selfishness.

 

Do you often live your life comparing it to what others are doing? What about drugs, overeating, overspending.....etc?

[Capris]

As I said before...you are free to tell his W.

What's stopping you again?

 

I understand the "heat" of your persistent question, as i am guilty of cheating.

Guilty as i am though, does not exclude me of the process of thinking and sharing thoughts. Despite that, i will answer you question.

 

I will not tell his wife cause i am not a complete as***le. Im just a little bit, obviously for being an OW, but not that much.

 

My question comes exactly from the fact that i am a cheater and probably will be cheated on, if not by this man from another, if i have not been cheated on already.

 

Bottom line is, can you name a couple that has never ever cheated one another? and has been married for more then 10 years?Seriously, no heat no nothing. I cant:(

[norajane]

Yes, some people make poor choices in a partner, but that does not mean the next step is to cheat.

 

Cheaters are typically people who do not have good conflict resolution skills. They avoid dealing with problems, rather than facing them because facing them is "harder" than jumping into bed with someone else.

 

If there is something wrong in the marriage, they have the option of taking a deep breath and communicating with their partner and working on the marriage. If that doesn't work, they also have the option to leave the marriage. Nowhere does it say they have to cheat to temporarily escape their problems if they have problems.

 

Cheaters CHOOSE to make a messed up situation (their marriage) 1000 times more messed up by cheating. Because they are bad at conflict resolution, are cowards, or both.

 

There are some people who just want to get away with something more on the side even if there is nothing wrong with their marriage. Those people should never have married in the first place. They don't believe in fidelity to begin with, as long as they are the ones getting away with it (they would be pissed if their spouse were to cheat on them!).

[norajane]

Bottom line is, can you name a couple that has never ever cheated one another? and has been married for more then 10 years?

 

My parents, and all of my many aunts and uncles. My cousins. Believe me, if there had been any cheating, we'd have all heard about it (my immigrant family is not into keeping dirty laundry hidden). My closest friends.

 

That's at least 30 couples right there.

[Capris]

My belief system does not define marriage as a revolving door to bonk at will whatever makes my vagina tingle. I don't believe in perfect marriages. I do believe in honesty, fidelity and respect. None of which are displayed in cheating. I haven't cheated and I was with Mr. Messy for over 20+ years. I guess it doesn't matter to me what others do in the world. I believe that hurting others and living a life with large parts of deceit has little to do with what others are doing and more about selfishness.

 

Do you often live your life comparing it to what others are doing? What about drugs, overeating, overspending.....etc?

 

Good answer, thanks!

I really dont consider open marriges as bonking whatever my vagina tingles to. I completley agree with your idea of a marriage, nothing is perfect.

 

Good question about comparision. Im not comparing my acts to those of others. I just see so many people cheating ( i truley wish i wasnt one of those) so i must come to the conclusion that its in the human's nature.So what im trying to say is, maybe we are looking at this specific issue wrong. Its not something that we are going to understand, cause we were grown up this way, but maybe other generations will find "open marriages" the perfect solution for all the hurt that cheating may give.

[Capris]

Yes, some people make poor choices in a partner, but that does not mean the next step is to cheat.

 

Cheaters are typically people who do not have good conflict resolution skills. They avoid dealing with problems, rather than facing them because facing them is "harder" than jumping into bed with someone else.

 

If there is something wrong in the marriage, they have the option of taking a deep breath and communicating with their partner and working on the marriage. If that doesn't work, they also have the option to leave the marriage. Nowhere does it say they have to cheat to temporarily escape their problems if they have problems.

 

Cheaters CHOOSE to make a messed up situation (their marriage) 1000 times more messed up by cheating. Because they are bad at conflict resolution, are cowards, or both.

 

There are some people who just want to get away with something more on the side even if there is nothing wrong with their marriage. Those people should never have married in the first place. They don't believe in fidelity to begin with, as long as they are the ones getting away with it (they would be pissed if their spouse were to cheat on them!).

 

 

Now thats a good psycological analysis of cheaters. I couldnt of said it better!

 

 

My parents, and all of my many aunts and uncles. My cousins. Believe me, if there had been any cheating, we'd have all heard about it (my immigrant family is not into keeping dirty laundry hidden). My closest friends.

 

That's at least 30 couples right there.

 

and this gives me hope and also questions of what kind of people and in what kind of enviroment i have grown up in O.o but in genral, hope. Thanks.

[bentnotbroken]

Good answer, thanks!

I really dont consider open marriges as bonking whatever my vagina tingles to. I completley agree with your idea of a marriage, nothing is perfect.

 

Good question about comparision. Im not comparing my acts to those of others. I just see so many people cheating ( i truley wish i wasnt one of those) so i must come to the conclusion that its in the human's nature.So what im trying to say is, maybe we are looking at this specific issue wrong. Its not something that we are going to understand, cause we were grown up this way, but maybe other generations will find "open marriages" the perfect solution for all the hurt that cheating may give.

 

 

There are no perfect solutions, especially to those who betray trust......in any generation.

[jwi71]

I understand the "heat" of your persistent question, as i am guilty of cheating.

Guilty as i am though, does not exclude me of the process of thinking and sharing thoughts. Despite that, i will answer you question.

 

No, you misunderstand me.

The point is for you to see the incongruencies between your belief in open M and your not telling his wife. See how they don't align?

 

I will not tell his wife cause i am not a complete as***le. Im just a little bit, obviously for being an OW, but not that much.

 

Here's another question.

Why is it ok to be the OW yet NOT ok to tell her? What's the difference?

 

My question comes exactly from the fact that i am a cheater and probably will be cheated on, if not by this man from another, if i have not been cheated on already.

 

Do NOT think that. That's a horribly unhealthy thought process. Have faith, trust and confidence in your H or BF or partner. Being a cheater does not condemn you to being cheated upon.

 

And, given you are going to have an open marriage where both yourself and your H are free and open to have other sexual partners...why is this a worry?

Is it just sexual freed om in your marriage or is it ok for both of you to love others as well?

 

Bottom line is, can you name a couple that has never ever cheated one another? and has been married for more then 10 years?Seriously, no heat no nothing. I cant:(

 

Yes.

Several...I can think of 6 off the top of my head...some married 20+ years...some married 40+ years.

[Capris]

My two cents.

 

We are much about instant gratification. We let tv shows and movies that are about love influence us and see them as some version of how life/love is supposed to be. Even kids are taught from a young age that love is a fairy tale. We aren't given training for long term relationships. We have unrealistic expectations. We have bad role models as our parents. We often fail to see the long term repercussions of certain behaviors clearly because it's human nature to be selfish and want what we want. Lust/love is a very powerful thing and without a strong sense of values/morals it's easy to cross lines when unusual abnormal situations happen and we excuse ourselves.

 

Oh this is worth alot more then two cents...Its something i always say, we watch too much tv!Too many happy endings! There is not fat prince Charming on the tv!It always ends with they live happily ever after and doesnt even mention how hard it is to maintain it.

[tami-chan]

Why are most marriages not open?

 

Because a group of really smart people long, long time ago decided that it is best for humankind to have ONE mate(spouse).....of course, in the 'olden times"..it was not unheard of for "men of God' to have concubines, courtesans,mistresses and several wives-it was accepted and thus nobody "condemned" those women(nor the men).

 

I do believe that it is "easier" to control and manage society when monogamy is in place. BUT with that, we had to put other things in place, like: marriage vows that are unrealistic, criminalizing adultery, the often difficult (and expensive)process of divorce, the mostly acceptable practice of shaming and condemning people involved in affairs, etc.etc.---all to discourage threats (to monogamy).

[Capris]

No, you misunderstand me.

The point is for you to see the incongruencies between your belief in open M and your not telling his wife. See how they don't align?

 

Im sorry for the misunderstanding. You do ask some interesting questions, so lemme start the answering.Or try to

 

Of course they dont align, if i was a ...how to say it? professional OW , i wouldnt even be on this forum..If i felt good about being the OW i wouldnt be asking these questions or feeling bad about it.

 

 

 

Here's another question.

Why is it ok to be the OW yet NOT ok to tell her? What's the difference?

 

I do not think it is ok to be the OW. Its not something im proud of :/ I do love this man, but many have said that. I am f***ed up inside cause i would never do something like this, thats why im so confused about cheating. I dont like it, yet i am doing it. It kinda proves how f**d up i really am. Funny.

 

 

 

Do NOT think that. That's a horribly unhealthy thought process. Have faith, trust and confidence in your H or BF or partner. Being a cheater does not condemn you to being cheated upon.

 

So true. Its the root of my problem, i have lost faith in people begining with me, so i see everything like this. I really believe what i said and it is sad. :/ I try to have faith, but im not quite there yet :/

 

And, given you are going to have an open marriage where both yourself and your H are free and open to have other sexual partners...why is this a worry?

Is it just sexual freed om in your marriage or is it ok for both of you to love others as well?

 

No, i would love for me to be so open minded on an open marriage. In theory it sounds care-free, but i cant do it. I know i sound weird cause as a cheater i hate cheating, but as i said above, i have lost faith despite my actions, everyone i see is cheating or has cheated, so i was thinking, why do with consider it so bad if almost everyone has or is doing it?

 

Yes.

Several...I can think of 6 off the top of my head...some married 20+ years...some married 40+ years.

 

thats really nice to hear, but of how many couples?

Edited October 27, 2011 by Capris

[Capris]

Why are most marriages not open?

 

Because a group of really smart people long, long time ago decided that it is best for humankind to have ONE mate(spouse).....of course, in the 'olden times"..it was not unheard of for "men of God' to have concubines, courtesans,mistresses and several wives-it was accepted and thus nobody "condemned" those women(nor the men).

 

I do believe that it is "easier" to control and manage society when monogamy is in place. BUT with that, we had to put other things in place, like: marriage vows that are unrealistic, criminalizing adultery, the often difficult (and expensive)process of divorce, the mostly acceptable practice of shaming and condemning people involved in affairs, etc.etc.---all to discourage threats (to monogamy).

 

True , very very true...I have even heard of monogomy being the way to resolve too many babies etc..

I get that its easy and i get that open marriages has its difficulties. I also understand how hard it is to actually not believe in monogamy and have a whole society that doesnt believe in it.

 

But if we do the math with how many couples are unfaithful and how many couples continue to stay in their marriges despite the infidelity, maybe we will be suprised with how much we do believe in open marriages and polygamy...

[Capris]

Goodness. You stress you will never forgive yourself and then you say what is so bad about it.What a contradiction. Why will you not forgive yourself?

 

Im just trying to think outside of my box. I really dont think i would be capable of living in an open marriage, but based on what i see, i wish i could. The pain would be less.

[eleanorrigby]

Maybe a better version of my question is, why arent all marriages "open marriages" to begin with?

I think they will be in the future. Again, i cant even imagine myself with being ok with that but id love for my child to be able to not feel bad about being cheated on or cheating.

 

 

 

I don't see why people that advocate and support open marriages don't just find partners that feel the same way. Then pick and chose the people together that will fill your open marriage/relationship.

 

I'm sure there are oodles of people that are in an open marriage/relationship (right now!) that would enjoy having another woman/man join them.

 

Wouldn't this be part of picking and choosing your partner properly?

If everyone that thinks open marriages are wonderful or that people are not meant to be partnered exclusively for life would choose partners that feel the same, there would be far less BS's in the world.

[MissBee]

Hi, i am having these thoughts lately.

 

Dont hate me for the title, but you will understand it later on.

Yes, i am the OW, i hate me because of it, i hate cheating and i get jealous too.Ironic, i know.

 

Recently i found out about a MM that cheated and it was like the sky fell on my head. He was one of those guys that you would never ever think that they will be capable of doing it and they were one of those couples that most considered blessed...

 

After hearing about that i was like "ok, somethings wrong here"...

 

So i was thinking and id love to hear your thoughts too,

Why is it so bad if everyone does it?

 

I am not trying to stop my guilt or justify my actions or anything, i probably will never be able to find cheating ok, cause its how i grew up(again, ironic). I was just wondering,for years human beings are cheating and for all i know they will keep doing it, so why do we consider it so bad? Isnt it weird?

 

 

Hi Capri,

 

 

There have been similar questions asked. I don't think everyone does it. I do think, that human beings do a lot of things that no one would agree are good...but they continue to happen...example: murder. It has been happening and will continue to happen but I do not believe the goal should be to normalize it because it is prevalent. Prevalence doesn't equate to "rightness".

 

 

Cheating hurts....it includes betrayal, lying, host of other things most would consider bad.

 

 

I think this argument always gets tied up in the question of are people really supposed to be monogamous? I'd say, some are and some aren't and maybe the problem is or should be framed that if more people were exposed to the option of living a non-monogamous life...people could choose this and be honest and avoid the hurt of affairs by being able to discuss with their spouses arrangements to be with other people.

 

I think cheating will always be a problem...not because of loving or being intimate with another person, but because of the deceit and betrayal that accompanies it. Deceit and betrayal will never be okay. So I'd say that's why people find it wrong....and will always find it wrong. However, if one wants to argue for a solution to the problem of monogamy and betrayal, by being non-monogamous, that's another matter.

[tami-chan]

No, you misunderstand me.

The point is for you to see the incongruencies between your belief in open M and your not telling his wife. See how they don't align?

 

I think you misunderstood her, Jwi. She is just throwing out ideas...like maybe if open marriages are the norm then future generations will have less cheating., etc...Obviously, it is not something she believes in ...or believe that could work for her . If everybody involved in her relationship with the MM believes in open marriage, then she wouldn't be an OW-as defined by conventional wisdom, would she? Telling her wife is not part of the dynamic of an OW who is clearly not happy with being an OW, as she is.

 

Here's another question.

Why is it ok to be the OW yet NOT ok to tell her? What's the difference?

 

You are putting "words in her mouth", Jwi...not cool. She is guilt-ridden about her status,so no, it is not ok for her. Only time will tell how she will reconcile how she FEELS about being an OW and being an OW.

 

And, given you are going to have an open marriage where both yourself and your H are free and open to have other sexual partners...why is this a worry?

Is it just sexual freed om in your marriage or is it ok for both of you to love others as well?

 

Where did she say this? C'mon, jwi..you know I love you, but you are reaching a tad...