Is she cheating? Going crazy here...

[Cthulhu]

Hello.

 

My concern is this. Two years ago my fiancee was having cybersex with some guy online. This actually kind of excited me, but the following happened. I was a bit suspicious, so I logged all her chat sessions. Yes I know this is a bit immoral, but I had suspicions. Anyway, I got a session with one of her partners where she got his address and had discussed meeting him by bus and said something to the degree of "I wouldn't be able too contain myself in person". I pulled her up on this, and she said that she never had any intention of meeting him, and it was a purely roleplay situation, although I know that she was "pleasuring herself" during this interchange.

 

We pretty much settled it and had almost forgotten about it, but I discovered that she was speaking with this guy again under a different username.

 

I really love my fiancee more than anything. We are a phenomenal fit and she makes me very happy. I have noticed her recoil from me on a few occasions however when I try to kiss her. She has told me that it is because of my cigarette smoking, but the other day I came home after not having smoked for days and she did the exact same thing and when I told her she goes "oh yeah, right, sorry".

 

She gets upset when I continue to ask her about the pseudo-cheating situation. What I have told her is this:

 

I say: "If you want to have an open relationship, that is FINE, but I ask that you remain completely honest with me about anything that has happened." To this she responds that she has never ever cheated on me, and would break up with me first if she wanted to cheat on me. Sometimes I worry that she says this though because our lives are pretty much intertwined as one these days and has nowhere else to go. Can I trust her on this one incident? I am now always suspicious, and just the other day two of my friends offered to take her to a party, and when I said that I would come pick her up from the event she was at, he says "no no, it's ok I can take her home" and he really seemed to protest this point. It also severely affects my confidence as well, because this guy that she was with at the time has a better position in life even though I feel I have ten times this guy's talent. What should I do? Should I let it go?

 

Thanks in advance.

[Becks84]

This is not something you should take lightly or let go. Have you simply asked her why she feels the need to do these things and why things aren't the same with you two in that area of the relationshp?? You should not trust her 100% right now. She needs to earn that back however you see fit. You should not go into a marriage with trust issues. I believe you two love each other as you say, but there is more to a relationship than love.

 

You have every right to stand up for yourself and tell her like it is -- tell her how you want/need things to be in order to feel secure and to be able to trust her. She should be more than willing to make you feel these things. Why on earth would we want the person we love to feel insecure of our relationship, or to be unable to trust us? Why on earth would we want to be the cause of our partner's pain? It doesn't make sense to me. I hope she comes around and treats you exactly as you deserve to be treated! Best wishes!

[Cthulhu]

Yeah, I have talked with her about it. I have told her that she does not reserve the right to be angry about it because it is a serious breach of trust on her part, and she accepts that, and has been in a fairly downtrodden and depressive state ever since it started to come up again. She wants me to trust her, and she always says that I must think she is the "Whore of Babylon" for thinking that she might cheat on me. However I told her that is is her doing that brought me to this point, and that if she DID cheat and she was honest about it that I would not care, but if she is lying hen I will be upset and I told her if she DID cheat she could exonerate herself of the whole situation by admitting it, and I would let it go, and she says absolutely not, that hse never did and never would cheat on me. Her last relationship was ended when her boyfriend ended up sleeping with her best friend. Her senior prom picture from almost ten years ago has her friend's picture ripped out because of it. She is a pretty moral person as far as I can tell, so I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt. We have lived together pretty much without a hitch for 6 years now, and we have had some pretty big fights, but it's usually because of money and me trying to get her to use her talents and not settle.

[Becks84]

Well do you believe her when she says she hasnt cheated on you and never will? Do you trust her completely? these are things only you can be the judge of. If your answers are no to my questions, then like I said, she needs to regain your trust however you see fit. She needs to make you feel better about everything, whatever it takes!

[Cthulhu]

Yeah, that's the question that gets me all the time. I think I can trust her, it's just a very odd situation to me. Why would she even "suggest" even if only in jest meeting this guy. I do know that she called him from her work "just to talk".

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I see a huge red flag here. Actions speak louder than words. Firse, she

was having internet sex with another guy. Don't you think that is a problem. If she is happy with you then why does she need to have internet sex with another guy. How do you think she would react if the roles were reversed?

Second, she tells the guy that she was thinking of going on a bus to see him and she would not be able to control herself. Do you think this is a normal thing to say when she is supposed to be engaged to you? Thirdly, she recoils when you try to kiss her? How do you think she would react if you did that to her? Fourthly, why is she going to parties withhout you and having your male friends take her and bring her home?

I am sorry but these are not the attributes of somebody you are thinking of getting married to. Again her actions are saying something that are opposite to her words. If you are having problems now what do you think it will be like after you are married. I think you need to open your eyes because these are not good signs at all. I wish you luck.

[StrugglinginGA]

Wow, when I read this post, I felt like I understand so much about what you're going through. Unfortunatly, I have seemed to be in your position over and over again in my life. For a long time, I pushed it away... I felt that knot in the pit of my stomach, that constant nagging feeling. I ignored it because I didn't want to get hurt... I wanted to believe all the excuses I was being told because I was scared.

 

A lot of reasons I felt scared is because in a lot of ways I had insecurities (what's so bad about me... what's wrong with me... what makes me not good enough, etc) and it's hard to believe that someone that you've put so much time and trust into can do these things to you and look you right in the eye and lie to you... tell you they love you and hurt you.

 

Then, one day I decided to quit looking the other way. I wanted to know the truth.... it ate at me the time... at work, when I was trying to sleep, and especially when the "little things just didn't add up". Ya know, when they tell you something and then a week later the story has changed... just a little... just enough to make you feel sick.... and of course, I found out exactly what I thought was the truth. She was cheating... only online, but she knew to me that was cheating, so it WAS cheating!

 

I hate it when people just assume that you can only cheat physically... to me, emotional cheating is just as bad if not worse because it shakes the very core of your confidence. and I heard the same things, "It didn't mean anything" "It was just a game" "I wasn't serious" "It's not like I was really gonna go there, do that, etc" "You're making this into a way bigger deal than it is" "I'm not gonna talk to them anymore" and then you get that nawing feeling... that tugging... that you know it's just not true.. and so you feel compelled to check and so eventually you give into it... like salt in an open wound.... you know the truth in your head even if you don't want to believe it in your heart... and then there it is staring you in the face the naked truth.... that lump in your throat, your sinking heart. God, I so know what you're going through.

 

They're so ready for you to get over it long before you can even fully deal with it... and your confidence is shaken, from then on.... you're always looking for the "signs".... oh god, hon, I'm still going through it, I know how you feel and I'm so sorry.