Devastated

[sleeplessinvancouver]

25 year old woman here and I had been in a relationship with someone for over a year. He told me he loved me, asked to meet my family, said he wanted to marry me, I told my family and friends about him, he got to meet some of them and our relationship seemed to be going great. He was my first real relationship since I became an adult. Then one day, he disappeared. Just like that. I tried to call, no answer. Sent an email, no answer. Then one day I sent an email explaining how hurt I was by the whole situation and in the email I told him he couldve atleast had the courtesy to tell me that he doesnt want to be with me anymore instead of pretending I dont exist. No answer.

 

I was devastated. I have been for weeks. When my family ask about him, I just lie and say we are still together because I feel to ashamed to tell them what happened. What should I do? I dont understand why someone would pretend to be in a relationship with someone for over a year, meet their family, pretend they love them when all they wanted was sex. Sex is so easy to get, there are so many women who are willing to have one night stands, why would he pretend to be with me and put in such an effort if that is all he wanted? Someone please help. I feel dazed, confused and sometimes suicidal. I dont understand how this could happen to me.

[HollyHoliday]

Wow, this is so shocking. This person is obviously heartless if they are able to do this to another human being. He is a coward, plain and simple.

 

You need to start by being honest with your family and friends. You don't have to tell them that he just fell off the face of the earth. You can tell them that you two broke up.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

Thanks for your reply HollyHoliday. But I know how my family are, they will as WHY we broke up. Especially since this is my first serious relationship in the sense that its the first guy I introduced to my family since entering adulthood. So when they ask why we broke up what am I supposed to say?

 

And I feel so disgusted when I think that I slept with someone like that. Every-time I think of his hands on my body, I feel sick, sick to my stomach. I dont know what to do. I hate myself for giving my body to someone like that.

[bittersweet memories]

Have you tried going to his place, to make sure he's ok. Maybe something terrible happened to him.

 

It just seems odd that he would just disappear without any explanation.

[bittersweet memories]

Did you ever meet his friends and family?

[davesterr]

well i know someone to something similar happened.

the guy just stopped answering out of nowhere and the girl got all mad.

turned out the guy was in a coma.

 

i dont wanna freak you out here.

but have u contacted anyone of his friends or family?

are u sure hes not in the hospital or worse?

i mean i think its kind of weird for someone to completely dissapear out of nowhere.

if he does this on purpose tho then he really is heartless.

but then again u cant blame urself for not knowing this before.

if i were u i would try and find out some more information first though.

sorry ur in this situation.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

Thank you 'Bittersweet memories' and 'davesterr' for your messages. To answer your questions: @Bittersweet memories, I havent tried to go to his place. I doubt anything happened to him though because when we last spoke, he said he was going out of town on business for a few days. Then I didnt hear from him for a day or two then I sent a message to ask if he was back. No reply. Then I called his phone. No answer. Then he messaged me saying "Im not yet back." Then I messaged "Okay let me know when you get back". And that was the end. Nothing from then on. So I think he was deliberately trying to pull away.

 

His family all live abroad, or so he claimed. He said he told them about me but in the year we were together, I never met or spoke to any of them and his excuse was that they live abroad. He asked to meet members of my family though. And he did take me to his home in this city, I spent many nights there, met his neighbors etc.

 

@Davesterr: I havent contacted any of his friends or family. I dont know any of them. But on his Facebook Page, the last time there was any activity was back in May of this year.

[davesterr]

i dont know whether this is his only facebook or not.

but you can try messaging some or if u want to , all of his friends on there to simply ask if they heard about him.

like i said i dont know whats going on.

and i know how tough it is to be left with no answers.

but i think if you know his facebook then u can atleast try to find some answers yourself.

thats really all the advice i can give you for now though.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

Hi Davesterr. Okay, just now, I will start off by sending one message to one of his friends on Facebook and if that person doesnt reply I will try someone else and so forth. But something makes sense now: One of the last times we saw each other, we were talking about our exes etc and he said to me "actually, just recently, this crazy girl I used to be in a relationship with saw me while I was out somewhere, and she just came up to me, out of nowhere, and slapped me really hard then she just walked away." I asked why they broke up and why she would just walk up to him and hit him out of nowhere.... and he said "we broke up because.... ugh long story."

 

Now it all makes sense. If he is doing this on purpose, maybe this is how he has dumped all his exes, maybe he just vanishes, which would explain his ex just walking up to him, walloping him, then walking away.

 

But Il send a message to one of his friends. Watch this space.

[IfiKnewThen]

first of all there is nothing wrong with you. and *hugs*

 

i was thinking too, something might have happened to him but take heart. i am sure one of those people on FB will write back to you.

 

a year is a long time. did you see him everyday? he almost seems like he is leading a double life.

 

there are real cowards out there too. he may have gotten cold feet and didnt know how to tell you.

 

but there is the old saying..those who have nothing to hide , hide nothing. either hes sick, injured or something....or in hiding. why we dont know yet...but rest assured it NOT you sweetheart. its him!!! if he did this deliberately...the disappearing act, then you dodged a bullet. imagine being married to a guy like that and having children with him and he runs away?

 

take heart and try to get support. i think not telling others can be more stressful. share this with your family. its not good to be isolated with this guy or enable and protect him , in a sense. protect you and tell them. we all make mistakes and no one would have saw this coming.

 

i actually had a friend how got married and ....sighs she found out her husband had another wife he never divorced. life is strange. i know your in pain. this doesnt have to turn out bad. there could be an explanation. but find out what it is. and even pray on it. ask for answers. God bless you.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

Thanks ifIknewthen for your kind message. I sent a message to someone on his facebook last night but I have received no reply. I didnt see him everyday during the year we were together. I was busy with school, he was busy with work and school so we would make time to see each other about 3 times a week. Then we broke up for a few months last year before getting back together this year.

 

Im not sure what to do because Im in therapy but I feel like its not helping me. I have flashbacks of him on top of me and the ugly facial expression he would have during sex and I feel revolting. I just feel disgusted for sleeping with someone like that. I feel like scrubbing my body with bleach or rubbing alcohol.

 

I know what you mean about dodging a bullet though. And about the double life, but if he is married or was in a relationship with someone else, where could this woman possibly be hiding since Ive been to his home several times and saw no signs of a woman living there?

 

Thanks for your blessings and God Bless you too.

[VeveCakes]

I had the exact same thing happen to me several years ago, and in fact it also happened to my best friend who was with the guy for 4 years.

 

Basically, he is way too chicken to break up with you so he did the most disgusting cowardly thing he could do, just avoid you. Don't bother messaging him, don't call him, text him, go looking for him, nothing. Anything you do now will just drive him away further. You will never get the closure you want or deserve, you will just have to look elsewhere to heal.

 

He may with time contact you if you don't contact him, but I guarantee you if you continue to persue him that will be the very last time you heard from him.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, it was by the far the most devastating this I ever experienced. I took a holiday and left town for two weeks which helped me emensley...maybe you can do the same. Hang in there.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

Thankyou VeveCakes for your input. I'm sorry that the same thing happened to you and your best friend. But tell me, did you or your best friend have feelings of disgust that you slept with such people? That is what is bothering me the most right now and I wonder if its normal, if other people have felt the same. I feel stupid for ever giving myself to someone like that, and although it was all consensual, I imagine that this is how a rape victim might sometimes feel. Sometimes, I can literally feel his hands on my body - thats how vivid my memory is. The annoying look of pleasure he had on his face....And it makes me sick.

 

Im sorry if this is completely weird to some of you but its just how I feel. So full of regret. I feel like the biggest fool in the world.

 

Vevecakes, did you or your best friend ever hear from, or see those men again?

[michelleishere]

Thankyou VeveCakes for your input. I'm sorry that the same thing happened to you and your best friend. But tell me, did you or your best friend have feelings of disgust that you slept with such people? That is what is bothering me the most right now and I wonder if its normal, if other people have felt the same. I feel stupid for ever giving myself to someone like that, and although it was all consensual, I imagine that this is how a rape victim might sometimes feel. Sometimes, I can literally feel his hands on my body - thats how vivid my memory is. The annoying look of pleasure he had on his face....And it makes me sick.

 

Im sorry if this is completely weird to some of you but its just how I feel. So full of regret. I feel like the biggest fool in the world.

 

Vevecakes, did you or your best friend ever hear from, or see those men again?

 

OMG, I am so sorry this is happening to you (big hugs)

 

I know you are hurt but would you really want to put up with this type of behaviour for the rest of your life? One minute he is there, the next he is gone.

 

You deserve more and you should expect more

 

Stay strong ............ ignore it, he probably wants you to worry. I have guys do this to me and later heard that they thought it was funny I was worrying

[sleeplessinvancouver]

Thank you "Michelleishere" for your input. But you said:

 

"I know you are hurt but would you really want to put up with this type of behaviour for the rest of your life? One minute he is there, the next he is gone.

You deserve more and you should expect more."

 

 

I DO expect more, which is why this upsets me so much. And there is no way I plan on putting up with it for the rest of my life. If he ever comes crawling back, I would only pretend to forgive him and get back together with for a short while only so that I can find a way to completely destroy his life during that short time before I dump him.

 

And to everyone else, I have been messaging friends on his FB but I receive no reply. Maybe he told his friends to ignore me? What now?????

[bittersweet memories]

Thank you "Michelleishere" for your input. But you said:

 

"I know you are hurt but would you really want to put up with this type of behaviour for the rest of your life? One minute he is there, the next he is gone.

You deserve more and you should expect more."

 

 

I DO expect more, which is why this upsets me so much. And there is no way I plan on putting up with it for the rest of my life. If he ever comes crawling back, I would only pretend to forgive him and get back together with for a short while only so that I can find a way to completely destroy his life during that short time before I dump him.

 

And to everyone else, I have been messaging friends on his FB but I receive no reply. Maybe he told his friends to ignore me? What now?????

 

 

Did you try going to his home? Maybe you should let it go for now..

[fenderjames]

Hi Sleepless . Our b-up stories are quite similar. Except sub. he for she . 1 year together , been friends for 5 yrs before that . One day .... gone . No responding to texts, no answering phone . I didnt know what the heck was going on . Absolutely erased me . This was 2.5 months ago . My last try on my end was 1.5 months ago . So Ive been 1.5 mos I guess NC shes been 2.5 mos. Til this day I have no idea what happened to justify that kind of treatment . Its slowly getting better . There are things I will never understand and I accept that now . I dont know that I'll ever see her again , which destroyed me for awhile . But everyday is a step closer to healing fully , even though it may not feel like it .

I hope yours doesnt put you through this for as long as mine , but please remember ..... if he calls and you go back that he has the capability to do it again . And what a strong card to play when he now knows how much it hurts you . This is from experience friend . Good luck . Stay strong OK ?

[sleeplessinvancouver]

@bittersweetmemories, I havent been to his home and I definitely dont plan on going there. Besides, the condo building he lives in is heavily guarded, even getting into the building when you dont live there is nearly impossible.

 

@fenderjames, Im sorry that the same thing happened to you. What hurts me the most is wondering if he ever wanted a relationship or if all he was looking for was sex. I feel so angry and bitter. I just wish he would come back so that I can finally get my revenge on the weasel.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

And if there are any men out there reading this, please tell me from a man's perspective: do you think that he could have faked this relationship all of this time, met my family, put in the effort required to maintain a relationship all because he wanted sex only?

[bittersweet memories]

And if there are any men out there reading this, please tell me from a man's perspective: do you think that he could have faked this relationship all of this time, met my family, put in the effort required to maintain a relationship all because he wanted sex only?

 

 

Well I'm not a man. I don't believe he faked it. I think he wanted out of the relationship but went about it the wrong way. He's a COWARD..

[fenderjames]

I dont think I could fake it for a year . But I didnt think she'd ever do this either , so .... Thats one of the wicked aftermath things that happen when someone ignores and cuts off someone . There is so much confusion and shock left on the one left behind . You go thru a million senerios about this and that . And then you go thru a million more . A real crap thing to do to a person that you know will be affected strongly by it . Im glad I know whaat shes capable of now though . Its helped in the healing process ( a bit ) that I know I want nothing to do with a person like that . Aint love grand ? Damn .

[Sugarkane]

Hi my story is a bit like yours, but I was dumped by text. I was completely cut off with no answers and my ex did a 180 on me. Dated a year. Never heard from ever again. I'm sorry to hear that this has happened you didn't deserve this at all. This guy has major issues. He should've been honest with you. This guy is a true coward. Please don't take this guy back no matter what. It sounds like it isn't the first time he's done this?

[Sugarkane]

I would love to see these guys get what they deserve.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

Thanks everyone for your input.

 

@sugarkane, Im sorry that the same thing happened to you. How did you heal?

 

To answer your question about whether or not this is the first time this has happened sugarkane, the answer is yes and no.

 

When we fiirst started dating last year, we went on a few dates on which I refused to sleep with him. After those few dates, I decided I didnt like him, and I didnt like the way he was so forceful so I decided to just never contact him again. I guess he made the same decision because neither one of us contacted the other again and I was fine with it. It had only been a few dates and we had not had the "exclusive relationship" conversation yet so there were no expectations.

 

However, when we got back together this year, things were obviously different. We had the "exclusive relationship" conversation, he put in tremendous effort in our relationship, I being a retard, totally began to trust him and fell in love with him and subsequently, put out.

[Sugarkane]

Well it takes alot of time. You're not going to get over someone straight away. I confided in family and friends alot. I was in a really bad place and had trouble just getting out of bed. I didnt enjoy anything. I had to take anti depressants and see a therapist. I still feel like a work in progress. I still have things I want to improve on.