Devastated

[TheJiltedGeneration]

hmm this is a difficult one.. you guys have been together for a year, and he would continually sidetrack from any direct mention of his personal life? that isnt really a good foundation to build a relationship tbh and like many speculate he could be living double lifes .. but doing this for over a year's worth of commitment just for "some nookie...?" just seems a little off....

 

I would need abit more info on this before reaching a conclution.. how often would you see him each week for example, constantly or on weekends? how often where you clued in with what he was doing each week ? was there any breadcrumbs or clues to him perhaps saying hes doing one thing but is actually doing some thing else entirely... though him being so incognito with his personal life is not a good sign...

 

how long exactly have you guys been out of contact? Something could have happened to him ( if even his close friends haven't heard from him then I would expect something for sure..). Unless its been months and months ( or even over a month since contact) I wouldn't jump the gun quite yet.. so best to wait till your friends reply before speculating what to do next though to be quite frank his secrecy is definitely not a good sign and should be the focal point of speculation...

 

 

sorry had to edit as I missed a response of yours sleepless.. ok with the whole "putting out" did you ever feel comfortable doing so as if you both mutually wanted to have sex, or was it a liability to keep him from pulling anything like this?? was he forcefull after you guys made amends... I find it really worrying you seem affected about a expression he pulls during sex ( I dont mean to ask too explicitly) but from the sounds of it.. it sounds like YOU DIDNT enjoy the sex at all..

Edited October 30, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[sleeplessinvancouver]

@sugarkane and TheJiltedGeneration thank you for your input.

 

@TheGiltedGeneration, he wouldnt necessarily sidetrack from talk of his personal life. If asked about it he would just answer but I never got to meet any of them. Now to answer your other questions:

 

Q) "How long would you see him each week for example?"

A) About 2-3 times per week.

 

Q) "how often where you clued in with what he was doing each week ?"

A) Pretty regularly, we spoke on the phone and via text regularly.

 

Q) "was there any breadcrumbs or clues to him perhaps saying hes doing one thing but is actually doing some thing else entirely"

A) He would leave town regularly. Suddenly he'd be like "this weekend I have to go to Toronto to a friends wedding, next weekend I have to go to LA on business".

 

Its been months since we last spoke and his friends are not replying my messages.

 

Q) "ok with the whole "putting out" did you ever feel comfortable doing so as if you both mutually wanted to have sex, or was it a liability to keep him from pulling anything like this?? was he forcefull after you guys made amends... I find it really worrying you seem affected about a expression he pulls during sex ( I dont mean to ask too explicitly) but from the sounds of it.. it sounds like YOU DIDNT enjoy the sex at all.."

 

A) I didnt enjoy it at all. To be honest, I was never physically attracted to him. To be honest, I was always physically disgusted by him. His bad breath, his ugly clothes. The ugly facial expressions he would make, the way he walked like a girl. I only dated him because I liked his personality and other aspects of him. This is why I couldnt bring myself to have sex with him without being tipsy each time.

[IfiKnewThen]

i know you feel like you were almost raped. like he violated your belief system. took advantage of you then left.

 

you have a right to feel like that. but in your mind you have to tell yourself something else more appropriate for healing.

 

and this is it: he was just another BIGGGGGGGGGGGG jerk, who you dated, and wasnt mature, and might have been sick in the head, and might have been a loser, and likely is a coward, and could even be dead. but now he is DEAD to you. because he left no contact...no word, no explanation. and even no relative to contact you ro friend so he was thoughtless and selfish all around.

 

if something bad befell him, thats out of your control. if he is just a bad seed, that is out of your control too. you are a good person. you gave your time and love and self.

 

he doesnt deserve ANY more space in your head. you are clean from his touch. it doesnt belong to him anymore. you had no babies with this jerk. thank God Almighty. just test yourself.

 

i am sure you are ok but know for sure. get it checked out.

 

you are just rightfully angry and feel duped which feels like rape. but he really was just a boy who sounds distorted. dont distort your own thinking and let this anger manifest. you have some control over that. use it.

 

let your thought process empower you not dis-empower you.

 

his ugly face will make you not miss him. thats for sure./ laugh at his ugly face when you see it and say good riddance to bad rubbish.

 

someday you might find out what happened to this ................(i dont have anymore words for him)

 

but for now. it IS over. make it over in your mind and move forward to the better life that does await you. i am sure you helped others on here too, who can relate to the madness of a person who does NOT communicate.

 

the only things he robbed from you was an explanation. your sexuality still belongs to you and it not his for the taking then or now. you both had a moment in time. he made it ugly. do i think he used you all this time for sex and put up a whole front. no i dont think it isolated or exclusive to getting sex. maybe he wanted to imagine himself in another relationship other than one he might have been in already. maybe he found out he was gay. no one knows BUT, i dont think he would just go through a whole meet your parents and all relationship ruse for sex. no. and as i said anyone who does that would be sick mentally. so faretheewell, mute person who cant tell a person what is going on in his life. we all meet dosies. you met one.

 

keep it light, so that you can see the light of a new dawn and day and a better person thats your real match and fit out there.

[IfiKnewThen]

tell yourself you were duped not raped. and tho it feels like rape and what you say makes sense on why it would feel that way...it is not something you will make him achieve by feeling this way. and it isnt the case. but i can understand how you feel. he violated your trust. thats what he did. as i said above... nothing really more. trust that.

 

he doesnt know you, own you, or compare to you or took your sexuality from you : ) dont make him bigger than life or your sexuality. he was a peon, if he couldnt communicate with you. and anyone who is not decent to give you a clue on his facebook, either is just as clueless , or attracts friends of the same kind as he is.

 

Thank God it didnt last longer. and tell yourself it is truly over now.

 

have faith and keep moving forward for you : ). hugs

[Sugarkane]

I found this quote on baggage reclaim: "A woman can fake an orgasm,but a man can fake a relationship". Seems true in our cases.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

Thank you "SugarKane" for your input. And "ifIknewthen" thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement. When I read your messages today before work, they gave me the encouragement I needed to get out of bed and face the day. Thank you.

 

You said "your sexuality still belongs to you and it not his for the taking then or now".

 

I really feel like it doesnt anymore. I feel so dirty and used. I feel like I betrayed myself by sleeping with someone I wasnt attracted to and its not a good feeling. I feel cheap, like a whore. I just pray the day comes when he crawls back because that would give me the opportunity to pretend to get back together with him just so that I can find a way to brutally rip his life to shreds before dumping him. I think achieving revenge is the only way I can ever truly heal.

 

Anyway, I have a close girlfriend who was dumped horribly a few years ago. She said the only way she healed was by sleeping around. She said thats the only way she regained her sexuality but I cannot bring myself to do that because Im terrified of catching an STD.

 

Thank you again SugarKane for your hugs and encouragement. They gave me the strength to face the day.

[Sugarkane]

Sleepless I'm not sure if sleeping around will help. It will just make you feel even more used my opinion. And possibly more bitter and make bad decisions. I think you should treat yourself with kid gloves and go easy on yourself.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

@SugarKane: Im trying to go easy on myself. Today, I phoned my boss and told him I wont be going to work this week. I plan on spending the week in bed, crying and drinking wine. It may do me some good. Although its a double wammy because Im kind of a workaholic so by the end of the week Il probably feel guilty for spending the week in bed instead of working, studying and hitting the gym.

 

I just want revenge now. I go home this Xmas and my family is going to ask about him. WTF am I supposed to tell them??? That "gee mommy and daddy, your little girl was used as a **** toy. Yup and then dumped. Yup, I really am that ****ing stupid!" How am I supposed to look my family in the face and say that?

 

Honestly, I am undone. I am beyond devastated, often suicidal. Honestly, I just want him to come back so that I can shatter him and his life.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

I feel bitter, lost and full of rage. I never imagined that this would be my life.

[IfiKnewThen]

first of all *HUGS*, please accept them.

 

from what i heard, when someone was raped or sexually assaulted in life, as like a child who had their uncle rape them, they often come to want to , when they grow up, sleep around, in order to feel in control. they subconsciously think , that if they sleep around on their terms they will be in control.

 

meanwhile, they are out of control. they are with strangers and whatever and people who put them at risk, for their health and well being.

 

they are a slave to the life style and inevitably pick up other bad habits along the way..drugs..etc.

 

in the end, they are with almost less control then they had as a child.

 

your friend, in all truth, sounds unstable and is NOT thinking clearly, and her advise to sleep around is NOTTTTTT going to make you feel in control at ALL!!! you will hate yourself worse. please trust that much to be true.

 

you wrote: I feel so dirty and used. I feel like I betrayed myself by sleeping with someone I wasnt attracted to and its not a good feeling.

 

ok. maybe you did that. you slept with someone you weren't attracted to. you feel, he made you step outside of yourself, and your moral boundaries and beliefs and took the sacred feelings of your virtue away.

 

you went for it even though you werent attracted to him, like you normally would be with someone. you need to remind yourself of this: it was a one time phase/experience in your life. you now look back on as a mistake.

 

 

but it doesnt have to be your life. i know the anger. i know the hurt. rage for allowing someone to let you step outside of your boundaries. he is %^$ horrible.

 

but youre NOT. and he doesnt own you and your body and he shouldnt own this much space in your head either. DO NOT LET HIM!!!!

 

and i know you said you had some wine. but please dont let that be the aid to help u get out of this because it just temporairly masks and covers it up and is a depressant NOTHING MORE.

 

please talk to a professional if you have to. does this situation remind you of something else and is bringing that to surface too?

 

i serioulsy belive with all my heart and soul its might be a good idea to tell your family.

 

this doesnt make you a whore ...for petes sakes ...please. YOU ARE NOT!!!

 

just say mom and dad yes i fell for his crap. i got intimate with him. hes gone now, i need your love and support and not judgment to see me through this because i feel so bad, i dont know how to handle it.

 

a secret kept is added anxiety. and the advise youre getting from your friend or who once said she felt better sleeping around is not the role model for sound stable advise.

 

quote: Sugarkane Sleepless I'm not sure if sleeping around will help. It will just make you feel even more used my opinion. And possibly more bitter and make bad decisions. I think you should treat yourself with kid gloves and go easy on yourself.

 

please go easy on yourself. great advise. the past should be in the past. you are only reliving it in your mind. i know youre trying to process and make sense of it all and you are human. i get that. but do not obsess and make it even bigger, snowballing, and manifesting. this situation and you do NOT deserve this.

 

if you want to think about it say this possibly : "he stole a part of my life and caught me with my guard down. but he did not and will not steal anymore time in my life and what i live now will outweigh what he did and eventually make it even more insignificant. he is scu... i will ask God to deal with this, i will ask God to be the judge. I will not judge myself in this manner"

 

at the time if i knew better and was stronger i would have done better i can forgive myself"

 

he cant touch me ANYMORE!!! EVER!!!! NOT EVEN MENTALLY. HE WILL GO OUT OF MY LIFE, where he resides in my head.

 

anger is good and normal BUT, you cant get stuck in it. in the healing process, shock, grief, anger...you cant get stuck in any one emotion. then you must face accetance and let go of him continuing to hurt you.

 

please put down the wine. God bless and i know you can do it. if you feel you cant , please get in touch with a professional you trust. hugs

Edited November 1, 2011 by IfiKnewThen

[Musa1977]

I had the exact same thing happen to me several years ago, and in fact it also happened to my best friend who was with the guy for 4 years.

 

Basically, he is way too chicken to break up with you so he did the most disgusting cowardly thing he could do, just avoid you. Don't bother messaging him, don't call him, text him, go looking for him, nothing. Anything you do now will just drive him away further. You will never get the closure you want or deserve, you will just have to look elsewhere to heal.

 

He may with time contact you if you don't contact him, but I guarantee you if you continue to persue him that will be the very last time you heard from him.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, it was by the far the most devastating this I ever experienced. I took a holiday and left town for two weeks which helped me emensley...maybe you can do the same. Hang in there.

 

I agree with this poster 100%. Hang in there.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

Thanks everyone for your concern and input. Wow, I realized this morning that its been 3 whole months already since this happened. What I regret most these days is that I never got the opportunity to tell him that he is a coward with bad breath. Which explains why he had to fake being in a relationship for a whole year just so he could get sex when most guys can go out there and find sex within an hour or two. I guess for him, not many women are willing to have sex with someone who has such bad breath, despite the fact that he's rich, so he therefore had to fake being in a relationship for a year just to get it.

 

 

I wish I had had the opportunity to tell him this and I hope I someday do.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

Somebody please tell me how I am supposed to get this whole mess out of my head. I have an exam next week for which I am not even able to study for because I can't get this out of my head. I feel so bitter to have been outsmarted and used and to have allowed it to happen. I don't even know how this happened to me. today, I went to a payphone and I dialed his number. I definately was not going to say anything, I just wanted to hear if he would answer. He did. But the strange part is he said nothing. Who answers the phone and says absolutely nothing? Not even "hello"?? There's no way he could've suspected it was me though because its been ten weeks now with no contact. I just thought maybe he recently did the same thing he did to me to another girl so maybe that's why he is so suspicious that he'd pick up the phone and say nothing. I don't know, maybe he's a criminal hence being so sneaky so as to pick up the phone and say nothing? When we were still together I would always joke about him being a criminal (because for his age is very wealthy, a millionaire and yet if you Google his name, nothing comes up. so I always thought it was strange that he is supposedly a wealthy entrepreneur yet nothing about him or his business ventures is available online). Hence the criminal joke.

 

 

Grrr anyway I just need to get him off my brain because otherwise, I cant focus on anything else. Im starting to think a random, rebound romance would be a good distraction right now. Perhaps I should go knock on my handsome neighbours door and see if he can take my mind off this. Although I don't want to do anything Il regret tomorrow morning e.g. waking up in my cute neighbours bed...

[Popehappycat]

Let me start by saying it definitely sounds like his loss. I would love to have had a person like you in my life. Somebody who looked past our physical and material world and gave your love to somebody undeserving simply because you could appreciate their inner self. I don't know what you look like, but you have a beautiful soul and us guys should be so lucky. That said, he's a jerk and it's his loss. Of course it isn't easy and of course it hurts, there are pages and pages here to prove it, but there are also pages here that attest to that light at the end of the tunnel, that this will pass and you'll be a wiser and stronger person.

 

As far as sleeping around, meh. Don't do something you'll regret. Attention from guys that "appreciate" you because you spread your legs isn't the same as the appreciation a guy who sees you for who you really are can show you. Sex doesn't justify your existence, it's something somebody should earn. If you're as distraught over sleeping with a guy you cared for as much as this one, imagine how you'd feel after a meaningless one night stand. Stay strong, we'll all make it through. :-D

[sleeplessinvancouver]

PS: dont know how that stupid smily face icon got to the top of my last post and I don't know how to remove it so please ignore it.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

I also forgot to say a special thanks to ifiknewthen for the last reply you made to this thread. Your words of wisdom helped me a lot and i read your last post this morning and it was very encouraging. and thanks to "popehappycat" for the kind words. I just wish i could find a way to just banish him from my thoughts forever.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

As far as sleeping around, meh. Don't do something you'll regret. Attention from guys that "appreciate" you because you spread your legs isn't the same as the appreciation a guy who sees you for who you really are can show you. Sex doesn't justify your existence, it's something somebody should earn. If you're as distraught over sleeping with a guy you cared for as much as this one, imagine how you'd feel after a meaningless one night stand. Stay strong, we'll all make it through. :-D

 

 

Oh I definately don't mean sleeping around, its something that my fear of stds could never allow me to do. I just mean, its been months and he is still all i think about 24/7 and its driving me crazy. And since my handsome neighbour has been asking me over "for a night of wine,cheese and fun" since I first moved into this building, maybe its time i take him up on his offer. I just can't think of another way to forget my monster of an ex.

[Popehappycat]

Don't put me in quotes, I exist damnit, I swear! :-P

 

But in seriousness, any thought you put into this situation just prolongs your suffering. Don't worry about banishing the idea of him and just live your life. And yes, I know, easier said than done. This is coming from a guy that almost a year after the breakup has hang ups when I think about it. But that's just it, I DON'T think about it. Sure, there's that cursed random dream she might appear in, or that movie you watched together, or that song, orthatplaceorthosepeopleorthatonepromiseorthatinsidejokeetcetcblahblahblah. They surface from time to time, it might hurt, then you give them the finger and put them back where they belong and stop letting them control you. Most people wouldn't stand for anybody telling them how to live their life, so don't let someone in absence do it either!

 

This is where I end all of my posts with the obligatory smiley! :-D

[sleeplessinvancouver]

@Popehappycat, I really dont know what does and does not exist these days anymore. Nothing seems real anymore so fingers crossed that you actually exist!!

 

Im sorry to hear that you had a tough break-up too and congratulations for actually making it through a whole year - thats highly inspirational!

[Popehappycat]

@Popehappycat, I really dont know what does and does not exist these days anymore. Nothing seems real anymore so fingers crossed that you actually exist!!

 

Im sorry to hear that you had a tough break-up too and congratulations for actually making it through a whole year - thats highly inspirational!

 

Thanks, but we all know it isn't easy. Some days are worse than others, sure, but at least you can look at the countless stories here by people that had it as bad or worse than you and were able to put the pieces back together. Their story of suffering can only enforce the realization that this is normal and it does get better, contrary to what you tell yourself. Just keep it up, you'll heal and manage to be happy with or without a significant other.

 

Smile! :-D

[sleeplessinvancouver]

Thanks, but we all know it isn't easy. Some days are worse than others, sure, but at least you can look at the countless stories here by people that had it as bad or worse than you and were able to put the pieces back together. Their story of suffering can only enforce the realization that this is normal and it does get better, contrary to what you tell yourself. Just keep it up, you'll heal and manage to be happy with or without a significant other.

 

Smile! :-D

 

 

But thats just the thing: Although many people have a story of suffering on this site, I feel like mine is so much worse because I was with someone, and slept with someone who I found REPULSIVE. His bad breath, his dirty pig-like habits, his filthy, vomit-inducing mannerisms.... (yet funny enough he was quick to point out when I gained weight at some point in our relationship and yet out of not wanting to hurt his feelings, I never once brought up his disgusting breath nor denied him sex for it). So my situation is worse than most people because I feel like I lowered myself and my standards drastically by being with someone so disgusting and yet that person still ended up leaving me. Its unbearably difficult for someone who you feel is beneath you in so many ways, to one day wake up and decide that YOU'RE BENEATH THEM and to therefore leave. It's immensely insulting.

 

Worst feeling in the world I tell you, I feel like I betrayed myself and lowered myself to such a level that wow... I doubt anyone has ever endured this feeling before.

[wilsonx]

But thats just the thing: Although many people have a story of suffering on this site, I feel like mine is so much worse because I was with someone, and slept with someone who I found REPULSIVE. His bad breath, his dirty pig-like habits, his filthy, vomit-inducing mannerisms.... (yet funny enough he was quick to point out when I gained weight at some point in our relationship and yet out of not wanting to hurt his feelings, I never once brought up his disgusting breath nor denied him sex for it). So my situation is worse than most people because I feel like I lowered myself and my standards drastically by being with someone so disgusting and yet that person still ended up leaving me. Its unbearably difficult for someone who you feel is beneath you in so many ways, to one day wake up and decide that YOU'RE BENEATH THEM and to therefore leave. It's immensely insulting.

 

Worst feeling in the world I tell you, I feel like I betrayed myself and lowered myself to such a level that wow... I doubt anyone has ever endured this feeling before.

 

I read this in an earlier post of yours and did not want to bring it up but since you brought it up again, its fair game now.

 

This is your fault for settling. This is an insecurity issue in you. It has nothing to do with him at all, his bad breath, etc etc. You can list out all the reasons why you feel this way but the simple fact is you accepted someone like him, you loved him, now your judging him after the fact which is not fair to yourself.

 

Everyone can compare stories. I knew my ex was a crazy bitch, but I still loved her. I called her a crazy a lot. In the end it does hurt because you settled for that. I settled for this. We both made decisions on where we are both at right now, you and me. You can't play the victim now because it will do nothing. You can't rewrite history either or you will never let it go and you will be lying to yourself. You have to surrender to this decision that you made. You loved him, he betrayed you and left. Thats it. You can't judge him or you will never let him go. Trust me on this. It will drive you crazy.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

I read this in an earlier post of yours and did not want to bring it up but since you brought it up again, its fair game now.

 

This is your fault for settling. This is an insecurity issue in you. It has nothing to do with him at all, his bad breath, etc etc. You can list out all the reasons why you feel this way but the simple fact is you accepted someone like him, you loved him, now your judging him after the fact which is not fair to yourself.

 

Um, Im not denying that its my fault that I settled as a result of insecurities. I think by saying that I BETRAYED MYSELF that clearly means that I realize that I settled and accepted someone like him and that its my fault for doing so. Thats kind of what the words "I betrayed myself" mean.

Edited November 3, 2011 by sleeplessinvancouver
grammar error

[wilsonx]

So now that you have accepted it, what are you going to do about it?

[sleeplessinvancouver]

So now that you have accepted it, what are you going to do about it?

 

That's exactly why Im posting here. I dont know what I am going to do about it. I dont know how to move past it, or to forgive myself for betraying myself. I know the very deep and complex insecurities that caused me to settle for someone who I feel is beneath me. I realize that I have to work on those insecurities and work on the reasons for those insecurities in order to ensure that I never betray myself this way again. That part I understand.

 

The parts I don't understand are:

 

1) How to deal with the fact that out there somewhere, is one smug SOB who is probably smiling at himself for managing to trick me into thinking he ever cared about me, when he never did and was only probably using me for sex.

 

2) What in the hell I am supposed to tell my family and friends? I have never introduced anyone I have ever dated to them or even told them about anyone I ever dated. He was the first. I go home for the holidays in a few weeks, they will ask and ask and ask about my first serious relationship and how its going. Telling them the truth is completely out of the question.

Edited November 3, 2011 by sleeplessinvancouver
grammar error