Devastated

[IfiKnewThen]

Don't put me in quotes, I exist damnit, I swear! :-P

 

But in seriousness, any thought you put into this situation just prolongs your suffering. Don't worry about banishing the idea of him and just live your life. And yes, I know, easier said than done. This is coming from a guy that almost a year after the breakup has hang ups when I think about it. But that's just it, I DON'T think about it. Sure, there's that cursed random dream she might appear in, or that movie you watched together, or that song, orthatplaceorthosepeopleorthatonepromiseorthatinsidejokeetcetcblahblahblah. They surface from time to time, it might hurt, then you give them the finger and put them back where they belong and stop letting them control you. Most people wouldn't stand for anybody telling them how to live their life, so don't let someone in absence do it either!

 

This is where I end all of my posts with the obligatory smiley! :-D

 

 

sorry, but how cute was that? did anyone else notice this?

 

i mean i know, you did sleepless by your response. there a re nice guys left in the world and they even have a sense of humor. i love this: or that song, orthatplaceorthosepeopleorthatonepromiseorthatinsidejokeetcetcblahblahblah

 

popehappycat, whatever took you to this place, stay the way you are! i am sure it was always in you. good advice too.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

sorry, but how cute was that? did anyone else notice this?

 

i mean i know, you did sleepless by your response. there a re nice guys left in the world and they even have a sense of humor. i love this: or that song, orthatplaceorthosepeopleorthatonepromiseorthatinsidejokeetcetcblahblahblah

 

popehappycat, whatever took you to this place, stay the way you are! i am sure it was always in you. good advice too.

 

LOL, I noticed it last night "ifiknewthen". I remember sobbing as I was reading and when I saw that, I honestly took a one minute break from sobbing to just giggle. It was very cute and funny!

[wilsonx]

That's exactly why Im posting here. I dont know what I am going to do about it. I dont know how to move past it, or to forgive myself for betraying myself. I know the very deep and complex insecurities that caused me to settle for someone who I feel is beneath me. I realize that I have to work on those insecurities and work on the reasons for those insecurities in order to ensure that I never betray myself this way again. That part I understand.

 

The parts I don't understand are:

 

1) How to deal with the fact that out there somewhere, is one smug SOB who is probably smiling at himself for managing to trick me into thinking he ever cared about me, when he never did and was only probably using me for sex.

 

2) What in the hell I am supposed to tell my family and friends? I have never introduced anyone I have ever dated to them or even told them about anyone I ever dated. He was the first. I go home for the holidays in a few weeks, they will ask and ask and ask about my first serious relationship and how its going. Telling them the truth is completely out of the question.

 

1) You learn from this and dont get played again.

 

2) How about telling them the truth? Why lie about it? My family knows I got played. My friends/coworkers know I got played big time. They knew I loved her. It doesn't really matter. I put myself in this situation because I kept lying to myself. This is where I learn, might as well change and tell the truth. That's the difference between us and them. We know where we messed up, we can change that part of our lives, they don't because they keep lying to themselves, friends and family. So, stop lying. Start telling the truth. They will understand, they are your friends and family, theyve been through the same thing.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

1) You learn from this and dont get played again

 

This I can do. However, since you say you were in a similar situation, you tell me: Even though you learn from it so it doesnt happen again, did you not struggle with feelings of desperately wanting revenge as a result of bitterness? Moving on from it and learning from it I can do, but I just feel like I need to find a way to make him pay. Ya, ya, I know, it sounds bad, crazy, evil but its just the way I feel and I cant change that.

 

2) How about telling them the truth? Why lie about it? My family knows I got played. My friends/coworkers know I got played big time. They knew I loved her. It doesn't really matter. I put myself in this situation because I kept lying to myself. This is where I learn, might as well change and tell the truth. That's the difference between us and them. We know where we messed up, we can change that part of our lives, they don't because they keep lying to themselves, friends and family. So, stop lying. Start telling the truth. They will understand, they are your friends and family, theyve been through the same thing.

 

No no no no no. I cannot tell the truth for a number of reasons: 1) Its embarrassing, not to mention the chorus' of "I told you so" from family and friends.

2) (And the main reason): Once my sister had a bad break up a few years ago and she confided in all of us continuously about it. Now, years after she's moved on, she says her biggest regret was telling family and friends that she got played. She said that made it so much harder for her to move on because once she reached the point where she was ready to forget about it and move on, family and friends would continue to bring it up, making it harder to forget. Even when she found new love, family and friends would warn her to "keep in mind what happened last time and to be extra careful." She says to this day, the bad breakup still stays with her because everyone she knows knows about it.

Edited November 3, 2011 by sleeplessinvancouver
grammar error

[Popehappycat]

LOL, I noticed it last night "ifiknewthen". I remember sobbing as I was reading and when I saw that, I honestly took a one minute break from sobbing to just giggle. It was very cute and funny!

 

Then my job here is done! *Awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay* (Never a break for super heroes who may or may not exist. :-D)

[betterdeal]

Say you've parted company and then swiftly suggest talking about something else. If they persist, say you don't want to talk about it and would appreciate them respecting that.

Edited November 3, 2011 by betterdeal

[wilsonx]

 

1)This I can do. However, since you say you were in a similar situation, you tell me: Even though you learn from it so it doesnt happen again, did you not struggle with feelings of desperately wanting revenge as a result of bitterness? Moving on from it and learning from it I can do, but I just feel like I need to find a way to make him pay. Ya, ya, I know, it sounds bad, crazy, evil but its just the way I feel and I cant change that.

Its been almost 6 months since my breakup and I still have those revenge feelings. I got played big time but I knew it. Day 1 when I told her she had a week to leave, I knew that the best revenge is me proving to myself that I can live my life without her in it. She said to me the last night here after she slept with me "See you know you can't go the rest of your life without talking to me." My goal to myself has been this, to prove to myself I do not need her in my life and I don't. Do I still have feelings of game playing and revenge, absolutely. She's stalking me on dating websites and send me pictures of other girls. I so want to get her back and play her own game because thats who I am but I have learned game playing got me into where I am now. Time for a change. But I know, one day down the road, I am going to wake up and say "Holy ****, I dont care anymore" and thats it, its over.

 

No no no no no. I cannot tell the truth for a number of reasons: 1) Its embarrassing, not to mention the chorus' of "I told you so" from family and friends.

2) (And the main reason): Once my sister had a bad break up a few years ago and she confided in all of us continuously about it. Now, years after she's moved on, she says her biggest regret was telling family and friends that she got played. She said that made it so much harder for her to move on because once she reached the point where she was ready to forget about it and move on, family and friends would continue to bring it up, making it harder to forget. Even when she found new love, family and friends would warn her to "keep in mind what happened last time and to be extra careful." She says to this day, the bad breakup still stays with her because everyone she knows knows about it.

 

Own your feelings to your friends and family. Set boundaries with them. Tell them if they criticize you, "Do not criticize me for owning my feelings and expressing them to you. You are my friends you are my family, listen and support me, do not judge." I promise you, if that comes out of your mouth, they will do it. If they dont, walk away

[Popehappycat]

Oh, and also, friends and family who can't accept your feelings... that's a character flaw on their end, not yours. You could always thank them with a swift flying dragon punch to the spleen. It's for the best and they can thank you later. Or fear you. Either is awesome.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

Then my job here is done! *Awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay* (Never a break for super heroes who may or may not exist. :-D)

 

LMAO, thank you, Mr. Super hero, for making me smile during this tough time.

 

 

Its been almost 6 months since my breakup and I still have those revenge feelings. I got played big time but I knew it. Day 1 when I told her she had a week to leave, I knew that the best revenge is me proving to myself that I can live my life without her in it. She said to me the last night here after she slept with me "See you know you can't go the rest of your life without talking to me." My goal to myself has been this, to prove to myself I do not need her in my life and I don't. Do I still have feelings of game playing and revenge, absolutely. She's stalking me on dating websites and send me pictures of other girls. I so want to get her back and play her own game because thats who I am but I have learned game playing got me into where I am now. Time for a change. But I know, one day down the road, I am going to wake up and say "Holy ****, I dont care anymore" and thats it, its over.

 

Congrads for managing to stay so strong and living your life without her. She doesnt sound like a stable person at all. Its amazing that you dont care as much anymore: that kind of control over one's own mind is hard to achieve.

 

 

Oh, and also, friends and family who can't accept your feelings... that's a character flaw on their end, not yours. You could always thank them with a swift flying dragon punch to the spleen. It's for the best and they can thank you later. Or fear you. Either is awesome.

 

I hear you, and I know that my friends and family have always been great at accepting my feelings and being my greatest source of comfort, so the "swift flying dragon punch to the spleen", hilarious as it may be, wont be necessary.

 

 

Say you've parted company and then swiftly suggest talking about something else. If they persist, say you don't want to talk about it and would appreciate them respecting that.

 

Thank you betterdeal for the link to the "The Guide to Letting Go". I read through it and it is so inspirational and it gives me some strength to at least try to move on.

 

 

So anyway folks, I just got off the phone with my sister and I told her we are no longer together, and she was totally supportive. I didnt tell her anything else though, e.g. that he just stopped talking to me. I did tell her another truth though: which is that this whole situation, settling for someone who I found repulsive and yet sleeping with them still etc is a sign of how low my self esteem is. She agreed that if I found him gross and still decided to accept him and be with him, it is a sign of low self esteem and she said she'll help me work on that in order to ensure that this never happens again. Watch this space I think I'll get out of bed and go take a walk along the beach now, God knows I deserve it

Edited November 3, 2011 by sleeplessinvancouver
grammar error

[wilsonx]

Good for you, see! It works! Thats a great step in the right direction. Now keep that mindset!

[Popehappycat]

One step at a time. Sister down, now just for everybody else! But honestly, everybody and their mother doesn't need to know your business. And besides, maybe you'd be surprised at how many may actually be supportive and happy for you. You're free! No more compromising your values and beliefs, and you can have a great big carton of me time to do the things you used to enjoy.

 

Besides, I'm the pope to the entire nation of happy cats, you can't argue with that.

[IfiKnewThen]

wilsonx good advise

 

popehappycat .....youre cracking me up!!!!

 

 

lol so cute. advise with a flare of humor ...i love it

[Popehappycat]

popehappycat .....youre cracking me up!!!!

 

 

lol so cute. advise with a flare of humor ...i love it

 

Oh, I think we've all suffered enough. Time to find the humor in our tragedies and smile a little more. That, and humor is my coping mechanism.

[IfiKnewThen]

awesome. we need more popehappycats to go around!!

 

i know we can clone you and you can respond to all of us on LS. what a breath of fresh air.

 

sorry to hijack your thread there sleepless. life is short. that guy was a loser. you made a mistake. forgive yourself and keep on going. : )

[Popehappycat]

awesome. we need more popehappycats to go around!!

 

i know we can clone you and you can respond to all of us on LS. what a breath of fresh air.

 

 

I'm pretty sure that's against the tenets of whatever religion it is I represent. I'll figure it out later after I decide if all dogs do indeed go to heaven or not.

[IfiKnewThen]

hehee

 

^thats all i wrote up there and then LS said youre message is too short.

[sleeplessinvancouver]

Good for you, see! It works! Thats a great step in the right direction. Now keep that mindset!

 

 

Thanks Wilsonx. I'll keep trying.

 

 

everybody and their mother doesn't need to know your business.

 

This is one of the great lessons I have learned from this entire situation. Because it was my first really serious relationship since I was 19, I literally yelled it from the rooftops like a little girl because I was just so excited about it. I told all my friends and family (also because he had asked to meet them). So now when people ask..... Oh well, lets just say I'm learning new lessons everyday. It's interesting because I think I went into this relationship as a naive and giddy, little girl and I emerged a wiser woman and for that I am truly grateful.

 

sorry to hijack your thread there sleepless. life is short. that guy was a loser. you made a mistake. forgive yourself and keep on going. : )

 

No worries at all ifiknewthen, you've been so tremendously helpful with my thread and my situation that you're totally allowed to hijack my thread once in a while! He was a loser, I made a big mistake and Im working on the forgiving myself and keep going part.

 

 

a secret kept is added anxiety.

 

 

Boy oh boy, were you right about this ifiknewthen. Just by telling my sister today that him and I are no longer together has lifted a MASSIVE weight off my shoulder. I feel worlds and worlds better by sharing some of my feelings with her and she has been tremendously supportive. However, I have not told her that he just stopped talking to me one day and my therapist told me this afternoon that now is not the right time to share that with people I know, since I still feel embarrassed about that part even though I know I shouldn’t . Hopefully my therapist is right about that. She also gave me some homework: she says within the next week, before my next session with her, my homework is to go on one date with someone new.

 

So, wish me luck!

[IfiKnewThen]

i do wish you luck!!

 

this thing will get turned around.

 

just one last thing, dont ever let the baggage of the past bleed into the present and future. drop those bags off. work through those things (like youre already doing in therapy and coming here)

 

because that is soo key to having a new healthier and successful relationship.

 

it was my past and not dealing proper that really screwed up the most important things to me in my life. the most important relationships

[sleeplessinvancouver]

i do wish you luck!!

 

this thing will get turned around.

 

just one last thing, dont ever let the baggage of the past bleed into the present and future. drop those bags off. work through those things (like youre already doing in therapy and coming here)

 

because that is soo key to having a new healthier and successful relationship.

 

it was my past and not dealing proper that really screwed up the most important things to me in my life. the most important relationships

 

 

OMG its amazing that you would say this. Just today, after seeing my therapist and after she gave me the homework of going on a date within the next week it made me think, what if I do go on a date and my date turns out to be the greatest guy? The way I am currently such a hot mess over this past relationship, I think it would chase any decent man away until I have dealt with this baggage. Also, I just worry that the way I feel kinda lonely after this breakup and because my ego is still kinda bruised, maybe I'm likely to just rush into something new with someone new in an effort to "replace" the ex but without really taking the time to get rid of the baggage before starting something new.

 

But I dont know, I figure since she's a therapist, perhaps she knows best so I'll just go on a date (probably with my handsome neighbor!) and see what happens. After all, I guess its just one date, not a life-long commitment! I'll just try to keep it casual and light-hearted. Watch this space!

[sleeplessinvancouver]

Today, I thought about all you supportive and amazing people at loveshack who commented on my post and helped me through such a traumatic time in my life.

 

 

I therefore thought I'd take the time to update you all: Many months after I suffered that terrible heartbreak, I am healed, happy and as good as new.

 

Its so amazing to read all the posts I made here so long ago and to see how in distress I was then and compare it to how well I am doing now.

 

 

I never thought I'd heal from that situation but I did. Basically, many months ago I found a way to get revenge against him. I wont say how I did it but his cowardly ass had no option but to contact me to beg me to reverse what I had done. And when he contacted me and we had many conversations over the course of about a week which basically consisted of him begging me to undo what I had done, he told me that this was his way of breaking up with women. That this is the only way he ever ended all of his relationships. But get this: After speaking to him for some time and listening to him beg me in vain, I then stopped returning all his calls, or answering his emails. So the tables turned. I was the one not talking to him when he desperately needed something from me.

 

 

I know its terrible that I got revenge and I know it made me no better than him in that moment but I needed to do this. I simply couldnt find any other way out of my pain. This was the only way out. By doing what I did, I basically took all the pain he had inflicted upon me and simply dumped it on him. Now I know he's still in pain but I am free. For all the people out there who might want to bash me about getting revenge: please save it. I already know it was low of me but I had reached a point where I only had two options left: make him pay or commit suicide. That's seriously how depressed I became.

 

 

So I just wanted to let all the helpful, loving people on this site who gave me so much advice that I am well. I am whole. Thank you.

[Sugarkane]

Hi Sleepless I wish you would ell me how you did it! I am glad you didn't do anything stupid like falling for his BS or trying to get a recon with this Ahole.

[IfiKnewThen]

well, 1) thank God he didnt die ...meaning he wasnt dead or ill all this time and

2) thank God you didnt die...aka commit suicide.

 

i hope the 2 of you are ok now. this speaks volumes on how much its important to communicate. and to communicate timely and proper .......

and with some sensitivity.

 

its not enuff to just "dump ppl"..unless they are an imminent threat to your life.