Reuben Kinkaid Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 For just about a year, I've charted the number of times my wife and I had sex. I know that sounds very dorky, and it is very dorky. But I wanted to determine how often we actually had sex. We could argue about it and I would say "We never have sex" or she could say "But we're always ****ing." This way we would actually know. When we began couples therapy in January, one of the first recommendations from the counselor was to keep a log like this. I told her I'd already been doing that. So here's a breakdown: Oct. 19, 2010 - We had sex. October total: 1. Monthly average: 1. Nov. 3, 2010 - We had sex. Nov. 16, 2010 - We had sex. Nov. 25, 2010 - We had Thanksgiving sex. November total: 3. Monthly average: 2. Dec. 14, 2010 - We had sex. Dec. 23, 2010 - We had sex. December total: 2. Monthly average: 2. Jan. 2, 2011 - We had sex. Jan. 8, 2011 - We had sex. Jan. 15, 2011 - We had sex. Jan. 22, 2011 - I initiated sex, but was turned down. Jan. 24, 2011 - We had sex. January total: 4. Monthly average: 2.5 Feb. 1, 2011 - We had sex. Feb. 5, 2011 - We had sex. Feb. 12, 2011 - We had sex. Feb. 19, 2011 - We had sex. Feb. 24, 2011 - We had sex February total: 5. Monthly average: 3. March 3, 2011 - We had sex. March 5, 2011 - We had sex. March 17, 2011 - We had sex. March 27, 2011 - We had sex. March total: 4. Monthly average: 3.16 April 7, 2011 - We had sex April 17, 2011 - We had sex April total: 2. Monthly average: 3. May 21, 2011 - We had sex May 28, 2011 - We had sex May total: 2. Monthly average: 2.87 June 19, 2011 - We had sex. June total: 1. Monthly average: 2.66 July 9, 2011 - We had sex. July 12, 2011 - We had sex. July 22, 2011 - Initiated sex but was declined. July 30, 2011 - We had sex. July total: 3. Monthly average: 2.7 August total: 0. Monthly average: 2.45 September total: 0. Monthly average: 2.25 October total to date: 0. Monthly average: 2.07 So there you have it folks. I have 2.07 sexual encounters per month with my wife. If only I was a pitcher, because that'd be a great ERA. Unless you're really too busy ****ing, I think everyone should keep an accurate account of their ****ing rate, as unromantic as it sounds. Sure everyone keeps one in their mind, but when push comes to shove, I personally like to see actual numbers. Good Lord, I'm such a nerd. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Have you kept track of what happens on the "no sex" days? How many shared hugs, kisses, touches, holding hands, etc? Many times, it seems that the couples that have little sex also have very little of the above. Chicken or egg? Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 post deleted... was put in to the wrong thread Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Are people that different? Maybe your wife has a medical problem. I have read some of your posts and wonder if perhaps you don't need to ask a gynecologist for advise. I can't imagine someone not wanting to ML for 3 months!!! I have personally denied my stbxh sex for as long as 7 months at a time but that was because I was pi$$ed off. I physically was dying to have sex but not with him. Is she perhaps angry with you right now? Did you do something? You don't have to tell us but IME we women are wired differently. Many times we are told not to use sex as a weapon. I think it is the most natural thing for us. We simply can't get horny if we are angry, disappointed, feel betrayed, or harbour any negative emotions towards our lovers. Link to post Share on other sites
justchecking Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 I do the same thing. My wife has got very upset with me doing this. I have onlykept track for about 5 months. We are actually fighting right now because I found a guys phone number in her car basically, we have sex once a month. the day before her period. sex is almost like a routine with us and its tearing us apart. I know every month around the 28th-31st we will be having sex. she does not iniate it. She just gets out of the shower and lays down on the bed. pretty boring Link to post Share on other sites
taiko Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Back in the old days a decade before I meet my wife I used to track dancers, their mileage as we use to call it. I should have tracked my checkbook and credit card statements Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Have you kept track of what happens on the "no sex" days? How many shared hugs, kisses, touches, holding hands, etc? Many times, it seems that the couples that have little sex also have very little of the above. Chicken or egg? I was going to ask something very similar. I see that January, February, and March were somewhat better months for you. Looking back, what do you remember as being different in those months? Was your wife working fewer hours? Were there fewer family events to plan for? Were you feeling or behaving more affectionate in those months, for whatever reason? Was she? Something was different then, what was it? Would you be reasonably satisfied if your average remained at those levels, i.e. roughly once per week? It seems she is able to meet that goal, at least. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 we have sex twice a month, like clockwork, two weeks apart. Sometimes it's only once if my wife has her period or a child has been interfering by sleeping in our bed on crucial nights! I do feel she does it for me, though. If left to her, it probably would be once every 3 months. I must say she has no libido whatsoever because of ADs. When we have it, she enjoys it very much, but lately it's all about her orgasm and actual sex only lasts about 5 minutes... otherwise the "magic" moment passes and she doesn't orgasm. I'm quite surprised you wife can go from 3 times in a month (I wish!) to zero for 3 months... something is clearly bothering her... Link to post Share on other sites
LilyBart Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 For just about a year, I've charted the number of times my wife and I had sex. I know that sounds very dorky, and it is very dorky. But I wanted to determine how often we actually had sex. RK - you say this is dorky but I think it's kinda cute! Link to post Share on other sites
cdm369 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Twice a month right now but I always initiate. In the process of seeing if she will initiate anything. For me it would feel nice to be wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reuben Kinkaid Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 Have you kept track of what happens on the "no sex" days? How many shared hugs, kisses, touches, holding hands, etc? Many times, it seems that the couples that have little sex also have very little of the above. Chicken or egg? I have not charted this level of intimacy, but may begin, too. It also is very low. We often kiss like brother and sister and I've told her this is a problem before. We may go a day or two with any hugging. She always goes to bed very early, as she wakes up much earlier. But I always make a point to at least kiss her goodnight even when I know she'd rather not be bothered. Because I'm just not ready to give up completely yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Have you read you chart ? What happened in August, September and October ? Your need to adjust your stats to go with quarterly monitoring instead of monthly so you catch those anomalies Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reuben Kinkaid Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 Are people that different? Maybe your wife has a medical problem. I have read some of your posts and wonder if perhaps you don't need to ask a gynecologist for advise. I can't imagine someone not wanting to ML for 3 months!!! I have personally denied my stbxh sex for as long as 7 months at a time but that was because I was pi$$ed off. I physically was dying to have sex but not with him. Is she perhaps angry with you right now? Did you do something? You don't have to tell us but IME we women are wired differently. Many times we are told not to use sex as a weapon. I think it is the most natural thing for us. We simply can't get horny if we are angry, disappointed, feel betrayed, or harbour any negative emotions towards our lovers. She has a medical condition and works mostly opposite hours. And we have two young kids. So I understand her not always wanting to be in the mood. I totally, totally get that. As for being upset at me, I don't believe she's upset. I sometimes get the feeling she has regrets that I'm not someone different. She's said so before in counseling. Not that she doesn't love me, but that she has an attraction to alpha males to some degree, which I am not and never have been. And the feeling is mutual at times, of course. I think the hurdle right now is 60 to 70 percent physical - her illness has been flaring to varying degrees for the last few months which diminishes her drive. And the rest is mental - she knows I go nuts without sex. She's seen me fly off the handle in recent months for the most innocent things. I've tried being romantic, bought her flowers, presents, took her to lunch. I've been sleeping on the couch as her opposite schedule puts an additional crimp in our mojo. We've slept in the same bed a few times lately and it wasn't restful. I toss and turn and stew in place about why I'm not getting laid and she does the same thing, knowing if she doesn't fall asleep she will be a wreck the next day for work. We both work from home, which is both a blessing and a curse. As for her sex drive, I can usually tell when she's masturbated - she uses the shower handle usually. I'd say she's masturbated once or twice (that I know of) since July. Maybe a little bit more, but not much. As I stated on another thread, my biggest concern is her health and making sure she's back to 95 or 100 percent. Admittedly, my happiness and sexuality is taking a beating, but I keep saying if she gets healthy all will be forgiven. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reuben Kinkaid Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 I do the same thing. My wife has got very upset with me doing this. I have onlykept track for about 5 months. We are actually fighting right now because I found a guys phone number in her car basically, we have sex once a month. the day before her period. sex is almost like a routine with us and its tearing us apart. I know every month around the 28th-31st we will be having sex. she does not iniate it. She just gets out of the shower and lays down on the bed. pretty boring I hope you get some action tonight or this past weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reuben Kinkaid Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 Back in the old days a decade before I meet my wife I used to track dancers, their mileage as we use to call it. I should have tracked my checkbook and credit card statements That's the easiest way to loose your money. Just as bad as gambling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reuben Kinkaid Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 I was going to ask something very similar. I see that January, February, and March were somewhat better months for you. Looking back, what do you remember as being different in those months? Was your wife working fewer hours? Were there fewer family events to plan for? Were you feeling or behaving more affectionate in those months, for whatever reason? Was she? Something was different then, what was it? Would you be reasonably satisfied if your average remained at those levels, i.e. roughly once per week? It seems she is able to meet that goal, at least. Yes, those were the months we were into marriage counseling pretty hardcore, once a week or once every other week. I think we were both going out of our way to please the other. You'd be amazed, but she even gave me a BJ one morning without even being asked. It was like we were dating or something. But the reason we entered marriage counseling was because in mid-December (2010) I learned she was having a long distance emotional affair with a married colleague. They'd met at conferences etc., but I do not believe it ever turned physical and the more I've learned about the guy, I believe this is his M.O. and he strung my wife along primarily for his own business interests, not romantic ones. And he fit the alpha male type she likes. She stopped going to the counselor in March as she felt the counselor was trying to blame her, but I also took blame, too. Anyway, my wife said she didn't like our counselor and stopped going and that was that. As for the frequency, once a week etc. Once a week pleases me. It's not perfect, but I can't complain about it given our situation. My ideal would be three times a week. My wife says her ideal is twice a month. Something that's been in the back of my head recently is something I asked her when we were in MC - I said let's see if we can make love every day for seven days straight and see where it gets us. She immediately said no, said there's no way she could physically handle it and basically said she can only do twice a month. Months later, she's got a new job that requires her to phone in and log in to work at 3:30 a.m. everyday, seven days a week until 10 a.m. or later sometimes. It bothers me, a little, that she can do this but immediately said no to my proposal. Eh. Just a little something that bothers me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reuben Kinkaid Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 we have sex twice a month, like clockwork, two weeks apart. Sometimes it's only once if my wife has her period or a child has been interfering by sleeping in our bed on crucial nights! I do feel she does it for me, though. If left to her, it probably would be once every 3 months. I must say she has no libido whatsoever because of ADs. When we have it, she enjoys it very much, but lately it's all about her orgasm and actual sex only lasts about 5 minutes... otherwise the "magic" moment passes and she doesn't orgasm. I'm quite surprised you wife can go from 3 times in a month (I wish!) to zero for 3 months... something is clearly bothering her... My wife also says twice a month is her peak. And when we do, her orgasm is the primary goal - it's been that way for awhile, at least a few years. I never had a problem with it until our last outing, which may play into it our current lull a bit, but I'm not sure. It's not like I complained, I just said, when we were through that maybe we could do something different next time. Our sex escapades typically go like this - A little bit of kissing, a little bit of me working her breasts, then me going down on her for as long as needed then vaginal penetration. It varies from that sometimes - but I'd say 80 percent of the time it is that routine, in that order. So last time, I said I wasn't really feeling it - additionally she'd had a bit to drink and was mostly just laying there. Eh. I feel your pain, man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reuben Kinkaid Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 RK - you say this is dorky but I think it's kinda cute! Dorky and cute? Amazing Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reuben Kinkaid Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 Twice a month right now but I always initiate. In the process of seeing if she will initiate anything. For me it would feel nice to be wanted. Exactly, my friend. Sorry to hear you're going through it, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reuben Kinkaid Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 Have you read you chart ? What happened in August, September and October ? Your need to adjust your stats to go with quarterly monitoring instead of monthly so you catch those anomalies August typically sees a dip, I believe. It's a very busy month for us, birthdays school starting, end of summer vacations etc. September usually picks it up some as does October. I'm hoping this quarter is an anomaly. Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Is she perhaps angry with you right now? Did you do something? You don't have to tell us but IME we women are wired differently. Many times we are told not to use sex as a weapon. I think it is the most natural thing for us. We simply can't get horny if we are angry, disappointed, feel betrayed, or harbour any negative emotions towards our lovers. She discovered he was keeping a list of the times they do it and that's when the sex stopped. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reuben Kinkaid Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 She discovered he was keeping a list of the times they do it and that's when the sex stopped. lol. No. She knows about the list, it came out during marriage counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 So there you have it folks. I have 2.07 sexual encounters per month with my wife. If only I was a pitcher, because that'd be a great ERA. Unless you're really too busy ****ing, I think everyone should keep an accurate account of their ****ing rate, as unromantic as it sounds. Sure everyone keeps one in their mind, but when push comes to shove, I personally like to see actual numbers. Good Lord, I'm such a nerd. Also a good goalkeeping average if you're a puck stopper! Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I do the same thing. My wife has got very upset with me doing this. I have onlykept track for about 5 months. We are actually fighting right now because I found a guys phone number in her car basically, we have sex once a month. the day before her period. sex is almost like a routine with us and its tearing us apart. I know every month around the 28th-31st we will be having sex. she does not iniate it. She just gets out of the shower and lays down on the bed. pretty boring Sounds like she's "really into it" Does she participate at all once things get going? Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 we have sex twice a month, like clockwork, two weeks apart. Sometimes it's only once if my wife has her period or a child has been interfering by sleeping in our bed on crucial nights! I do feel she does it for me, though. If left to her, it probably would be once every 3 months. I must say she has no libido whatsoever because of ADs. When we have it, she enjoys it very much, but lately it's all about her orgasm and actual sex only lasts about 5 minutes... otherwise the "magic" moment passes and she doesn't orgasm. I'm quite surprised you wife can go from 3 times in a month (I wish!) to zero for 3 months... something is clearly bothering her... Those damn anti-depressants are sex KILLERS! Maybe I asked you this before giotto, did she ever consider a new AD medication? Some are less impacting on the libido than others. Link to post Share on other sites
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