The Chart

[The Blue Knight]

She has a medical condition and works mostly opposite hours. And we have two young kids. So I understand her not always wanting to be in the mood. I totally, totally get that.

 

As for being upset at me, I don't believe she's upset. I sometimes get the feeling she has regrets that I'm not someone different. She's said so before in counseling. Not that she doesn't love me, but that she has an attraction to alpha males to some degree, which I am not and never have been. And the feeling is mutual at times, of course.

 

I think the hurdle right now is 60 to 70 percent physical - her illness has been flaring to varying degrees for the last few months which diminishes her drive. And the rest is mental - she knows I go nuts without sex. She's seen me fly off the handle in recent months for the most innocent things. I've tried being romantic, bought her flowers, presents, took her to lunch. I've been sleeping on the couch as her opposite schedule puts an additional crimp in our mojo. We've slept in the same bed a few times lately and it wasn't restful. I toss and turn and stew in place about why I'm not getting laid and she does the same thing, knowing if she doesn't fall asleep she will be a wreck the next day for work. We both work from home, which is both a blessing and a curse.

 

As for her sex drive, I can usually tell when she's masturbated - she uses the shower handle usually. I'd say she's masturbated once or twice (that I know of) since July. Maybe a little bit more, but not much.

 

As I stated on another thread, my biggest concern is her health and making sure she's back to 95 or 100 percent. Admittedly, my happiness and sexuality is taking a beating, but I keep saying if she gets healthy all will be forgiven.

 

< Some Observations >

1. Laying next to someone physically that close to them and desiring them while not being able to touch them or share intimacy with them will drive you insane. Been there!!! It's pure torture. But I'm sure you realize that.

 

2. If my wife and I worked out of the home, I'd likely never want to leave the bed with her. It would be three times a day I'd be throwing her in bed for some afternoon delight. So it's good I have to drive to a job and so does she. I just don't think I'd be disciplined enough. In many respects, that probably makes it worse for you because you're around her a lot more.

 

Q: Explain the alpha male thing to me? Are you talking about the physical Rambo type or just the take charge kind of guy? You said you can't be that guy. If you worked at being more of what she's looking for, would she find that attractive?

[The Blue Knight]

Twice a month right now but I always initiate. In the process of seeing if she will initiate anything. For me it would feel nice to be wanted.

cdm, you missed my posting in July about always having to initiate. It appears to be a very common "guy" problem, although several ladies on this forum have complained that they have the same problem with their husbands.

[The Blue Knight]

lol. No. She knows about the list, it came out during marriage counseling.

Yep, I read your post to that affect. I couldn't help myself. Thinking back, had my ex wife ever thought that I kept a list, she would have been ticked. Luckily things were frequent and I never had to go down that "list" road. But on the second marriage, I had a list in my head which looked very much like yours. Pure frustration!

[giotto]

Those damn anti-depressants are sex KILLERS! Maybe I asked you this before giotto, did she ever consider a new AD medication? Some are less impacting on the libido than others.

 

she is happy with them, because she says that they work...

[Reuben Kinkaid]

Q: Explain the alpha male thing to me? Are you talking about the physical Rambo type or just the take charge kind of guy? You said you can't be that guy. If you worked at being more of what she's looking for, would she find that attractive?[/i]

 

The alpha male she's attracted to is not the Rambo type, but the pushy insensitive my-way-or-the-highway type. She honestly has a thing for Donald Trump and those types of guy. And the emotional affair guy fit that description. I'm in much better shape and, frankly, I'm more handsome than him. But he's a mover and a shaker blah blah blah. He's also kind of a dick.

 

Just like Henry Kissinger said, power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

 

So, yeah, I've tried to take charge more in my dealing both with her and others. But when I really do, she's so not used to it, she says I'm being mean, etc. And honestly, I've found that dick attitude isn't exactly endearing to others though it is to my wife. Whatevs.

 

This is a bit of a sore point, as you may have noticed, since I've never really expected her or wanted her to be someone she's not. Unless you count having sex more often, which I'm realizing may not be in her personality.

[The Blue Knight]

she is happy with them, because she says that they work...

 

Yep, but they're not working for YOU is the problem. Be nice to see her put your needs somewhere in the "important" file and at least look at some alternatives.

[The Blue Knight]

The alpha male she's attracted to is not the Rambo type, but the pushy insensitive my-way-or-the-highway type. She honestly has a thing for Donald Trump and those types of guy. And the emotional affair guy fit that description. I'm in much better shape and, frankly, I'm more handsome than him. But he's a mover and a shaker blah blah blah. He's also kind of a dick.

 

Just like Henry Kissinger said, power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

 

So, yeah, I've tried to take charge more in my dealing both with her and others. But when I really do, she's so not used to it, she says I'm being mean, etc. And honestly, I've found that dick attitude isn't exactly endearing to others though it is to my wife. Whatevs.

 

This is a bit of a sore point, as you may have noticed, since I've never really expected her or wanted her to be someone she's not. Unless you count having sex more often, which I'm realizing may not be in her personality.

 

There's lots of types of power. Being a prick wouldn't be something I'd think most women would find desirable in a man unless they like the bad-boy type which is all too common. But that's a slightly different animal anyway.

 

What's funny is that the guy you're describing, assuming he had your wife, would toss her aside anyway when he was bored or ready to move on. I wonder if that even dawns on her?

 

Perhaps you're a bit too "undangerous" for her. A bit too predicable. Sounds like she'd almost find you more attractive emotionally and sexually if you just did your own thing (rebel type) and if that happened to include some lady friends, all the better.

 

I've heard of women liking "strong men" or "confident men" but the "she likes guys who can be a dick" thing, that's a more rare animal. I wonder if that's something she picked up in childhood? Father or some other important male in her life?

[giotto]

Yep, but they're not working for YOU is the problem. Be nice to see her put your needs somewhere in the "important" file and at least look at some alternatives.

 

Her illness is more important than me, obviously. I understand that. My problem is that she is not taking active measures to cure her illness and to come off the ADs. I don't know what I would do in her shoes. At the moment, she is doing the bare minimum for me and it's not enough. But then, I'm not the one who has to cope with such a thing...

[The Blue Knight]

Her illness is more important than me, obviously. I understand that. My problem is that she is not taking active measures to cure her illness and to come off the ADs. I don't know what I would do in her shoes. At the moment, she is doing the bare minimum for me and it's not enough. But then, I'm not the one who has to cope with such a thing...

 

I don't know the specifics obviously giotto but if it's something curable as you've stated, and she's not taking the steps to cure it properly and ween herself off the ADs, it still comes off as selfish to me. I was in a medical situation myself for a good year and it was physically based and included considerable pain, and it drained me of my energy and my strength. I can't say it hurt my libido much but the point is I still made sure I was there for my wife at all times even when I was going through countless medical tests and complications. I would have always put her happiness first even at that point.

[giotto]

I don't know the specifics obviously giotto but if it's something curable as you've stated, and she's not taking the steps to cure it properly and ween herself off the ADs, it still comes off as selfish to me. I was in a medical situation myself for a good year and it was physically based and included considerable pain, and it drained me of my energy and my strength. I can't say it hurt my libido much but the point is I still made sure I was there for my wife at all times even when I was going through countless medical tests and complications. I would have always put her happiness first even at that point.

 

this is what I think too... is she being selfish? I think so. She promised to go to therapy because she said - and I quote - "it wasn't fair on me and on our relationship". But she doesn't do it. So, is she selfish? Although I understand - and it's a curable illness - the fact that she'd rather deal with it, sweeping the whole matter under the carpet, than eradicate it, indicates me that she is either very selfish or not willing enough. It's probably a mix of selfishness, laziness and fear. As I said before, I'm giving this relationship another 5 years (my youngest will be 15 then) and if things haven't changes, I will be out of the door... the thing is, it might take years to be fixed and I'm not getting any younger...

[The Blue Knight]

this is what I think too... is she being selfish? I think so. She promised to go to therapy because she said - and I quote - "it wasn't fair on me and on our relationship". But she doesn't do it. So, is she selfish? Although I understand - and it's a curable illness - the fact that she'd rather deal with it, sweeping the whole matter under the carpet, than eradicate it, indicates me that she is either very selfish or not willing enough. It's probably a mix of selfishness, laziness and fear. As I said before, I'm giving this relationship another 5 years (my youngest will be 15 then) and if things haven't changes, I will be out of the door... the thing is, it might take years to be fixed and I'm not getting any younger...

 

We all understand illnesses and such that can come along which very much effect one's sex life. But you're talking about something that is curable from what I'm reading. There are many people out there (I see a lot of these) who purposely either bring drama into their lives, or once they start to see that they are getting some satisfactory attention from whatever it is, they allow it to be prolonged and dragged out. One of those forms of drama is to use a sickness of some sort to gain attention or sympathy. So when you say she's not willing to deal with it properly I wonder if that plays into this? Of course only you as the spouse can determine if she's putting in a realistic effort to fix this and help meet your needs and the needs necessary for a good marriage to persist. But from what I've read over the past weeks, this comes back to someone who talks the talk, but isn't willing to do what's necessary to fix what's broken in the marriage.

[giotto]

We all understand illnesses and such that can come along which very much effect one's sex life. But you're talking about something that is curable from what I'm reading. There are many people out there (I see a lot of these) who purposely either bring drama into their lives, or once they start to see that they are getting some satisfactory attention from whatever it is, they allow it to be prolonged and dragged out. One of those forms of drama is to use a sickness of some sort to gain attention or sympathy. So when you say she's not willing to deal with it properly I wonder if that plays into this? Of course only you as the spouse can determine if she's putting in a realistic effort to fix this and help meet your needs and the needs necessary for a good marriage to persist. But from what I've read over the past weeks, this comes back to someone who talks the talk, but isn't willing to do what's necessary to fix what's broken in the marriage.

 

No, she doesn't do it to attract attention, on the contrary. She just has OCD, as in repetitive thoughts, but to the point that, despite the ADs, she has to keep herself busy all the time (or sleep) to stop the thoughts. This should be solvable with Cogntive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), but she doesn't seem to be able to muster the courage to go. I understand, it's not easy having to confront your ghosts. But, on the other hand, this tells me that our marriage - and myself - are not that important to her. I suppose, if I said "you either go or I'm out", she probably would go. But I don't want to force her, like I don't want to force her to have sex with me. It has to come from within herself...

[The Blue Knight]

No, she doesn't do it to attract attention, on the contrary. She just has OCD, as in repetitive thoughts, but to the point that, despite the ADs, she has to keep herself busy all the time (or sleep) to stop the thoughts. This should be solvable with Cogntive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), but she doesn't seem to be able to muster the courage to go. I understand, it's not easy having to confront your ghosts. But, on the other hand, this tells me that our marriage - and myself - are not that important to her. I suppose, if I said "you either go or I'm out", she probably would go. But I don't want to force her, like I don't want to force her to have sex with me. It has to come from within herself...

 

Ahhhh . . . Got it. Rational Emotive Therapy might also be of value.

 

I agree with you. It should come from within her. But she also needs to understand that she's squeezing the life out of you and the marriage by not dealing with this in a mature and responsible way. While I wouldn't make threats I'd certainly hint that if this is what our marriage is going to continue to be because you won't go and get some help, I can't guarantee how long I'll be able to continue under the current conditions. That's honest, and not a direct threat, but a loose suggestion that for you, it's going to come to an end sometime soon if she doesn't make some changes very soon.

[giotto]

Ahhhh . . . Got it. Rational Emotive Therapy might also be of value.

 

I agree with you. It should come from within her. But she also needs to understand that she's squeezing the life out of you and the marriage by not dealing with this in a mature and responsible way. While I wouldn't make threats I'd certainly hint that if this is what our marriage is going to continue to be because you won't go and get some help, I can't guarantee how long I'll be able to continue under the current conditions. That's honest, and not a direct threat, but a loose suggestion that for you, it's going to come to an end sometime soon if she doesn't make some changes very soon.

 

We are hijacking this thread a bit, but let me explain one last thing: we've had terrible problems in the last 15 years, after the birth of our second child. Something went wrong in her, but she wouldn't communicate. I finally found out that she was taking ADs. She wouldn't communicate with me and I felt pushed out. So, yes, I got angry and resentful and that pushed her away even more. I used to get angry about sex, mind you, only after two weeks of nothing... I wasn't asking for sex every day or even every week. She made me feel it was all my fault, but I couldn't do anything because I didn't know what was going on in her head. Finally, last year, after threats of divorce, counselling and a separation, she admitted it was her fault and that she would go to therapy to fix the marriage... well, that was over 12 months ago...

[The Blue Knight]

We are hijacking this thread a bit, but let me explain one last thing: we've had terrible problems in the last 15 years, after the birth of our second child. Something went wrong in her, but she wouldn't communicate. I finally found out that she was taking ADs. She wouldn't communicate with me and I felt pushed out. So, yes, I got angry and resentful and that pushed her away even more. I used to get angry about sex, mind you, only after two weeks of nothing... I wasn't asking for sex every day or even every week. She made me feel it was all my fault, but I couldn't do anything because I didn't know what was going on in her head. Finally, last year, after threats of divorce, counselling and a separation, she admitted it was her fault and that she would go to therapy to fix the marriage... well, that was over 12 months ago...

 

Yes you're right. Sorry Reuben. Similar problems here with many people unfortunately. Have you ever suggested some natural approaches such as higher levels of vitamin D or fish oil? I bring that up because often people with depression or anxiety issues suffer from low levels of certain nutrients. The problem at this point is she's probably psychologically attached to the ADs and that's going to be a hurdle in itself. I guess you have to decide how to proceed. No easy answer. Do you call her for not following up on her promise from 12 months ago, or do you grin and bear this for another five years?

[giotto]

Yes you're right. Sorry Reuben. Similar problems here with many people unfortunately. Have you ever suggested some natural approaches such as higher levels of vitamin D or fish oil? I bring that up because often people with depression or anxiety issues suffer from low levels of certain nutrients. The problem at this point is she's probably psychologically attached to the ADs and that's going to be a hurdle in itself. I guess you have to decide how to proceed. No easy answer. Do you call her for not following up on her promise from 12 months ago, or do you grin and bear this for another five years?

 

She'll never give up ADs... she tried a couple of times (and we had a great sex life for a couple of weeks... ), but she had to get back on them because she said she couldn't live without them... pretty grim!

 

I only bring it up if I see her depress and ask. Then, I reiterate the usual facts and say that I will pay for it, if necessary. Nothing ever comes out of it... I don't want to push it. I give her the chance to do something about it...

[frozensprouts]

giotto,

 

if you wife has OCD ( does he have depression as well?), then is she not mentally ill ? If she is, then is it possible that she may not be able to see the whole thing from a logical standpoint?

 

Has she ever explained to you how she sees the world? It may help to understand her perspective, as it doesn't sound as if he actions are about you, per se, but they are more about what is broken inside of her.

 

i'm not saying that she is not responsible for her actions , but what I am suggesting is that she may be looking at the situation from a perspective that is very different from yours, so apply normal 'logic" to her actions may not apply.

 

Is it really a case of " she won't do certain things , or is it she can't do them...just a question

[The Blue Knight]

She'll never give up ADs... she tried a couple of times (and we had a great sex life for a couple of weeks... ), but she had to get back on them because she said she couldn't live without them... pretty grim!

 

I only bring it up if I see her depress and ask. Then, I reiterate the usual facts and say that I will pay for it, if necessary. Nothing ever comes out of it... I don't want to push it. I give her the chance to do something about it...

 

Damn medical community and their quick fix candy meds. Drives me nuts. I see this all the time with kids who supposedly have ADD or ADHD and the first thing the teachers and the "professionals" want to do is medicate the children. I think the last stat I read said about 2 million children are on behavior meds in America. It's a nightmare. Here's an novel idea. Kids all have different temperaments and behaviors. It's called being different! That's kind of the way the human race was designed. Unfortunately your wife is at that point where she'll never believe that she can do without them. Sad deal.

[giotto]

giotto,

 

if you wife has OCD ( does he have depression as well?), then is she not mentally ill ? If she is, then is it possible that she may not be able to see the whole thing from a logical standpoint?

 

Has she ever explained to you how she sees the world? It may help to understand her perspective, as it doesn't sound as if he actions are about you, per se, but they are more about what is broken inside of her.

 

i'm not saying that she is not responsible for her actions , but what I am suggesting is that she may be looking at the situation from a perspective that is very different from yours, so apply normal 'logic" to her actions may not apply.

 

Is it really a case of " she won't do certain things , or is it she can't do them...just a question

 

Easy answer: I will never know, because she doesn't want to talk about it. I don't even know what these recurrent thoughts are... I don't think her behaviour is about me. She lives in her world and she is too busy with her defense mechanism. The thing is: if she doesn't want to fix herself, then it's up to me to decide if I can live with this for the rest of my life, even if she is ill at the moment. And I would say she is mildly depressed... but not very often.

[The Blue Knight]

Easy answer: I will never know, because she doesn't want to talk about it. I don't even know what these recurrent thoughts are... I don't think her behaviour is about me. She lives in her world and she is too busy with her defense mechanism. The thing is: if she doesn't want to fix herself, then it's up to me to decide if I can live with this for the rest of my life, even if she is ill at the moment. And I would say she is mildly depressed... but not very often.

I'm assuming that if your wife has OCD she is engaged in very ritualistic behaviors daily? Too bad you can't transfer that "ritualistic behavior" to the bedroom. How long has she had the OCD? Does it go back the entire 15 years of your relationship or is it a more recent issue? You're right that a cognitive therapist can assist her in making her see that her behavior is irrational. In fact RET is a cognitive therapy that helps get the person to that point where they can realize that it's irrational emotions and beliefs that indeed lead to many of life's "problems." You're right that she should go because she should want to get healthy and get her OCD under control. But as you point out, it's not fair to the family, yourself and your kids if her behavior affects all of you as well which obviously it does.

[confusedinkansas]

She has a medical condition and works mostly opposite hours. And we have two young kids. So I understand her not always wanting to be in the mood. I totally, totally get that.

This is what baffles me about men (or occasionally women) who biatch about not getting enough sex.

And to think you took the time to log it all down.

 

Wow you have a lot of time on your hands Ruben. Guess the Partridge Family doesn't keep you busy enough either. Sorry, one of my fav 70's sit coms....couldn't resist.

 

Anyway - everyone's lives & marriages are different. From medical conditions to financial situations to stress to kids. ALL play a HUGE role in the frequency of sex.

Sheesh - I'm almost 50. My husband & I have sex probably once or twice a week. He has a heart issue & huge stress at work. It's FINE FINE FINE....I love him.

I sure wish that people who placed such HUGE importance of sex on their marriages would wake up............THERE'S MORE TO A MARRIAGE THAN SEX.

Confused jumping off her soap box!

[The Blue Knight]

This is what baffles me about men (or occasionally women) who biatch about not getting enough sex.

And to think you took the time to log it all down.

 

Wow you have a lot of time on your hands Ruben. Guess the Partridge Family doesn't keep you busy enough either. Sorry, one of my fav 70's sit coms....couldn't resist.

 

Anyway - everyone's lives & marriages are different. From medical conditions to financial situations to stress to kids. ALL play a HUGE role in the frequency of sex.

Sheesh - I'm almost 50. My husband & I have sex probably once or twice a week. He has a heart issue & huge stress at work. It's FINE FINE FINE....I love him.

I sure wish that people who placed such HUGE importance of sex on their marriages would wake up............THERE'S MORE TO A MARRIAGE THAN SEX.

Confused jumping off her soap box!

 

Confused,

 

Of course there's more than just sex. But look at any marriage or relationship survey from a man's standpoint and sex is always in the TOP 3. And often it's in the top of the female list when the relationship is starting out as well.

 

There's a reason for that. For some, apparently yourself, sex becomes less important over time. But that's a value decision every marriage has to make for itself. It appears that for you and your husband that works and nobody is complaining. Wonderful!

 

The problem posed by Reuben and others is often they still see sex as important even when their spouse has lost interest or found other things to replace sex in their lives.

 

As a guy I can tell you that when the sex is regular and it's good, it adds more romance and more love to the relationship. It gives men a feeling that they can tackle most other things in life because they have a spouse who desires them physically. I know for me, it gives me a boost and I'm more anxious to show my wife love and admiration in other areas.

 

There's a whole lot of women who can't seem to grasp that fact, or worse yet, simply don't care.

[The Blue Knight]

Below is something I cut and pasted from Dr. Willard Harley. He's a Christian Psychologist who wrote the book "His Needs, Her Needs." I believe he makes some good points. They may or may not apply to couples who are posting here but it's worth sharing. He runs a marriage ministry called Marriage Builders. Below, he's answering a woman who posted that she feels guilty because she has no sex drive whatsoever and thinks it's unfair to her husband. But she's curious what can be done about it.

 

"The solution to low sex drive is to make love only at the time of day that you have the most energy. The recommendations I made to a woman whose husband has a low sex drive might apply to you. Also you might want to order the book, Women's Orgasm: A Guide to Sexual Satisfaction by Georgia and Benjamin Graber. I know you have already read books on the subject, but this one is written for women who don't have much interest in sex, like you.

 

Most of the women I've counseled report to me that the more often they make love, the higher their sex drive becomes. It is usually the opposite for most men. One suggestion would be to try to make love to your husband every day for a few weeks, with you deciding the time. I recommend that you take the superior position (top). Do it your way making the experience as enjoyable for you as possible.

 

I wouldn't be compulsive about it. For example, if there are occasions that you simply don't have a good opportunity to make love, skip a day. But even if you make it 3 out of 7, you will be way ahead of anything your husband was expecting.

 

Don't ignore the problem. Start right away and don't worry about whether he is satisfied, pay more attention to your own reactions to the situation. Make it as pleasant for yourself as possible, but do it.

 

If you find yourself dreading the time that you make love, you may have a serious aversion to sex, and that may be what's keeping you from making love to your husband. If that's the case, practice relaxing during early stages of love-making and don't go on to later stages unless the unpleasant tension you experience is gone. Sex therapists are usually trained in helping people overcome sexual aversion by teaching you effective methods of relaxation.

 

The most important thing to remember about marriage is that both you and your husband have a great opportunity and responsibility to meet each other's most important emotional needs. Learn to become experts in meeting those needs."

Edited November 1, 2011 by The Blue Knight
Appearance

[Reuben Kinkaid]

This is what baffles me about men (or occasionally women) who biatch about not getting enough sex.

And to think you took the time to log it all down.

 

Wow you have a lot of time on your hands Ruben. Guess the Partridge Family doesn't keep you busy enough either. Sorry, one of my fav 70's sit coms....couldn't resist.

 

Anyway - everyone's lives & marriages are different. From medical conditions to financial situations to stress to kids. ALL play a HUGE role in the frequency of sex.

Sheesh - I'm almost 50. My husband & I have sex probably once or twice a week. He has a heart issue & huge stress at work. It's FINE FINE FINE....I love him.

I sure wish that people who placed such HUGE importance of sex on their marriages would wake up............THERE'S MORE TO A MARRIAGE THAN SEX.

Confused jumping off her soap box!

 

I agree, there's more to marriage than sex. If marriage was only about sex, I doubt we would have married or certainly wouldn't have stayed together this long.

 

You have sex once or twice a week and I think that's great. For you.

 

I haven't had sex since July. I'm guessing everything wouldn't be FINE FINE FINE if you stopped having sex and he devoted a more time to his work and health issues.

 

Health issues are important and can take a toll on marriages and sex lives - no one knows this better than me. As much as I present a brave face for my wife that things are FINE FINE FINE with me, in reality they are not. I worry about us, our sex lives and myself. I chose not to burden her with this now because she's healing and the last thing she needs to hear is "Reuben is upset because he's not getting any." I get that. I totally, totally get that. And because I love her above all else, I want her healthy and am willing to make whatever sacrifices (including sex, my happiness, you name it) to ensure she regains her health.

 

So, instead of having sex "probably once or twice a week," stop. For three months or more avoid sex, avoid the topic of sex. Don't discuss it with him and stop cold turkey. Let him concentrate on his work and health.

 

And then tell me do you love him any less?

 

Of course not. I love my wife just as much now as when we're having sex once a week. I truly, truly do.

 

But is life in general more frustrating without sex? Yes. Do other aspects of our relationship feel a little constricted when we're not having sex? Yes. Do I begin seeing her faults more than her positives when we're not having sex? Unfortunately, yes. Do I feel less inclined to romance my wife when I we're not having sex? Yes. Do I enjoy it when she insists on hugging me like I'm her brother, when she pecks me on the lips, when she's too tired for me to hold her or kiss her like a lover? No. Do I feel pangs of jealousy and resentment that my wife chooses work over me? Take a guess. If this goes on indefinitely are we likely to grow so far apart that there's no coming back together?

 

So, yes sex is not everything. Until you go without it.

Edited November 1, 2011 by Reuben Kinkaid

[The Blue Knight]

But is life in general more frustrating without sex? Yes. Do other aspects of our relationship feel a little constricted when we're not having sex? Yes. Do I begin seeing her faults more than her positives when we're not having sex? Unfortunately, yes. Do I feel less inclined to romance my wife when I we're not having sex? Yes. Do I enjoy it when she insists on hugging me like I'm her brother, when she pecks me on the lips, when she's too tired for me to hold her or kiss her like a lover? No. Do I feel pangs of jealousy and resentment that my wife chooses work over me? Take a guess. If this goes on indefinitely are we likely to grow so far apart that there's no coming back together?

 

So, yes sex is not everything. Until you go without it.

Nicely summarized Reuben. Sex makes everything else in the relationship seem more like a positive. Going without, well . . . the little stuff begins to magnify and eat at you over time. People can say what they want about sex being overrated. Sex is a tension reliever, it's physically healthy, and a great way for two people in love to connect regularly. Self satisfaction isn't the same thing despite what women often think. There's no connection and the act of being able to satisfy your wife is completely removed from that equation and that's a very big part of it for men who love their wives.