The Chart

[giotto]

I agree, there's more to marriage than sex. If marriage was only about sex, I doubt we would have married or certainly wouldn't have stayed together this long.

 

You have sex once or twice a week and I think that's great. For you.

 

I haven't had sex since July. I'm guessing everything wouldn't be FINE FINE FINE if you stopped having sex and he devoted a more time to his work and health issues.

 

Health issues are important and can take a toll on marriages and sex lives - no one knows this better than me. As much as I present a brave face for my wife that things are FINE FINE FINE with me, in reality they are not. I worry about us, our sex lives and myself. I chose not to burden her with this now because she's healing and the last thing she needs to hear is "Reuben is upset because he's not getting any." I get that. I totally, totally get that. And because I love her above all else, I want her healthy and am willing to make whatever sacrifices (including sex, my happiness, you name it) to ensure she regains her health.

 

So, instead of having sex "probably once or twice a week," stop. For three months or more avoid sex, avoid the topic of sex. Don't discuss it with him and stop cold turkey. Let him concentrate on his work and health.

 

And then tell me do you love him any less?

 

Of course not. I love my wife just as much now as when we're having sex once a week. I truly, truly do.

 

But is life in general more frustrating without sex? Yes. Do other aspects of our relationship feel a little constricted when we're not having sex? Yes. Do I begin seeing her faults more than her positives when we're not having sex? Unfortunately, yes. Do I feel less inclined to romance my wife when I we're not having sex? Yes. Do I enjoy it when she insists on hugging me like I'm her brother, when she pecks me on the lips, when she's too tired for me to hold her or kiss her like a lover? No. Do I feel pangs of jealousy and resentment that my wife chooses work over me? Take a guess. If this goes on indefinitely are we likely to grow so far apart that there's no coming back together?

 

So, yes sex is not everything. Until you go without it.

 

mmm... once or twice a week... I wouldn't be complaining about it... and it wouldn't have such a HUGE importance anymore...

[Reuben Kinkaid]

Below is something I cut and pasted from Dr. Willard Harley. He's a Christian Psychologist who wrote the book "His Needs, Her Needs." I believe he makes some good points. They may or may not apply to couples who are posting here but it's worth sharing. He runs a marriage ministry called Marriage Builders. Below, he's answering a woman who posted that she feels guilty because she has no sex drive whatsoever and thinks it's unfair to her husband. But she's curious what can be done about it.

 

"The solution to low sex drive is to make love only at the time of day that you have the most energy. The recommendations I made to a woman whose husband has a low sex drive might apply to you. Also you might want to order the book, Women's Orgasm: A Guide to Sexual Satisfaction by Georgia and Benjamin Graber. I know you have already read books on the subject, but this one is written for women who don't have much interest in sex, like you.

 

Most of the women I've counseled report to me that the more often they make love, the higher their sex drive becomes. It is usually the opposite for most men. One suggestion would be to try to make love to your husband every day for a few weeks, with you deciding the time. I recommend that you take the superior position (top). Do it your way making the experience as enjoyable for you as possible.

 

I wouldn't be compulsive about it. For example, if there are occasions that you simply don't have a good opportunity to make love, skip a day. But even if you make it 3 out of 7, you will be way ahead of anything your husband was expecting.

 

Don't ignore the problem. Start right away and don't worry about whether he is satisfied, pay more attention to your own reactions to the situation. Make it as pleasant for yourself as possible, but do it.

 

If you find yourself dreading the time that you make love, you may have a serious aversion to sex, and that may be what's keeping you from making love to your husband. If that's the case, practice relaxing during early stages of love-making and don't go on to later stages unless the unpleasant tension you experience is gone. Sex therapists are usually trained in helping people overcome sexual aversion by teaching you effective methods of relaxation.

 

The most important thing to remember about marriage is that both you and your husband have a great opportunity and responsibility to meet each other's most important emotional needs. Learn to become experts in meeting those needs."

 

Interesting read - thanks, man!

[frozensprouts]

giotto,

 

I'm sorry you are in the situation you are in. It's unfortunate your wife won't seek further help for her issues, even if it was just to be a happier person.

 

I have often heard that one can't help someone who doesn't want it, and you can't force someone to want it. While that may be true, there is a flip side to that.

 

Before my husband was deployed a few years ago he was going through some serious emotional upheavals and he had an affair. He was a wreck, but didn't see that himself and even if he did, he refused to acknowledge it.

 

When he came back from deployment, he want sent to base mental health services for a evaluation, "decompression therapy" ( all troops returning home do)etc. Of course he didn't think there was anything wrong and he didn't want to go ad out it off as long as he could... but he had to, so he did. The therapist he saw knew something was really wrong, and he was mandated to keep going and transitioned to a civilian therapist.

 

I made a huge difference for us, and more importantly, for him.

 

 

My point is that sometimes someone who needs help may need to be forced into getting it.

 

What do you think would happen if you sat your wife down and gave her an ultimatum about her needing more help to overcome her issues? Do you think she would get that help? and if it was successful and there were changes for the better in her, do you think you may be able to stay together, even after your kids have grown?

[giotto]

What do you think would happen if you sat your wife down and gave her an ultimatum about her needing more help to overcome her issues? Do you think she would get that help? and if it was successful and there were changes for the better in her, do you think you may be able to stay together, even after your kids have grown?

 

I don't think I can give her any more ultimatums... we nearly divorced over this already. I don't want to get down that path again. My other problem is that I'm slowly falling out of love with her... I find it quite awkward to be round her these days, because of our trouble past. If we could separate right now, I would do that, but I'm staying put for the children and also because I know she is a fragile state and I don't want to put anymore pressure on her. I will bring it up if the I get the chance, but I'm not going to mention it again out of the blue...