Almost 2 months of NC, now a setback

[mikezombie777]

As some of you may be aware my fiance dumped me about 2 months ago. I was devastated but slowly coping. well today I did something stupid and looked at her facebook page eventhough I had deleted her. I saw some photos of her and she looked really gorgeous and happy. It kind of ripped me apart and I started crying. I wish I hadnt looked. Eventhough I havent called or txt'd this last 2 months it still hurt so bad and now I cant stop thinking about her.

 

I'm again wishing things could have been different. She never really treated me well. She was sometimes verbally abusive and usually very controlling. I became insecure and needy as a result which snowballed until she dumped me.

 

What if I hadnt become needy and insecure, would she still love me? Was she only controlling and abusive because of me? I cant help but obsess over these questions. I still love her so much but I wish I didnt....

 

Please help guys, Its ripping me apart

[Rarinbug]

Hi Mike,

 

I managed around 6 months of NC until a couple of weeks ago, I won't bore you with details but I certainly wish I hadn't bothered. Facebook snooping was something I did too, not a good idea. I'm struggling too, got treated badly, put her on a pedestal as some kind of goddess, why I don't know. All I will say is, stay strong and don't contact her, you got treated badly and deserve better. I know how tough it is trust me, but we'll get there!

[davesterr]

I looked at my ex's facebook , saw how beautiful she became and completely fell in love with her all over.

Then realising you cant be with her makes u feel completely crushed and cry.

this is really hard and seriously i hate it to always having to give advice on these sad things when i really want everyone to be in a good relationship.

 

However thats why most of us are here to help eachother and to somehow find a way to get through.

 

You see , when i met with my ex on a friendly date i tried to tell her i still loved her and the thought of her leaving me made me almost cry in front of her.

It took all my strength not to let the tears run out and i choked on my words.

I only got a few things out of what i really wanted to say.

Even though i pictured me telling her all the sweetest things like in a movie.

Reality was way different where i was completely nervous and frozen.

Everyday i used to ask myself: What if i didn't choke on my words?

What if i was more confident?

Would i have won her back? Could i have been with her right now?

And if that wasn't it.

What if i looked better? Got more sleep? Dressed different?

Your mind will go through a million what ifs and in only hurts you more.

 

The best advice i can give you coming from someone who's going through the exact same thing is:

 

There will always be what ifs , and there will always be questions you wont know the true answer of.

The only thing at this point you can do is find peace with the situation.

You may have been insecure and this may have been partly because of her too.

But in the end you loved her.

I think if its real mutual true love then instead of breaking up , both would talk it out and find a solution to get back to where they once were.

Happily in love like the beginning of the relationship.

 

Like i said man , you will always wonder if you think of it.

But the most important thing you have to tell yourself is:

I really tried and i gave it my all.

I mean what if she didn't break up with you?

What if she wasn't abusive?

These what ifs can go both ways.

But as the dumpee we always tend to blame ourselves for not being good enough.

 

Getting over this is really one of the hardest things you will ever go through.

And no one knows how long its going to take.

But i think if you choose to want to move on and really give all ur effort into it so u wont spend the next few years living the worst life ever.

Then i think it is possible to overcome this.

 

If you decide to do this then the best way to do that is by going to no contact and avoiding her as much as you can and by focussing on your own yourself and ur goals in life.

This means definitely not looking up her facebook pictures or anything.

I know this is hard believe me.

I done things way worse than you.

But then again it also hurt me even more.

 

Either way like i said: If you want to move on (that means not trying to get back together because you know thats not what she wants)

And you no longer want to feel this hurt.

Then the only thing you can do is really just forcing urself not to think of her , not to contact her and not to look up her pictures or news about her life.

The more you let her in your life or your mind and even in your heart still , the more you will think of her and the more you will feel like your getting ripped apart inside.

It really takes time , dedication and hard work to get out of this situation.

 

In the end though don't blame yourself for what happened in the past.

We cant predict the future and nothing is certain.

But in a relationship we felt it was worth getting together while facing the risk of getting dumped.

You did your best and u say you really loved her.

Whatever happened happened and it's not your fault u got insecure,

because that is not something you do on purpose.

It's simply her fault for breaking up.

Ofcourse this isn't about pointing fingers to anyone.

But im simply saying it so you dont just blame urself for what went wrong.

Im sorry it didn't work out.

But hopefully one day you can look back without all the pain and torn.

And simply smile from all the good memories u once shared.

We're all different and we all cope on our own ways on our own speed.

But i think if you really want to get over her then aventually with hard work , you can.

Just remember: Don't go snoopin if you don't wanna get hurt.

Edited October 27, 2011 by davesterr

[fenderjames]

Hi Mike . Its hard to fight the facebook temptation isnt it . So many things are hard right now . I almost did it today after 2 1/2 months no contact . But I told myself , dont do this to yourself . Nothing good will come of it . Im dying to know what shes doing ... but I know unless I hear shes very sad and regretful for letting me go that it wont help . And theres no way Im going to see her sad and regretful . So it wont help . Does that make sense ? I hope so . I cried for the first time in a week today . I dont know why . No new news , no contact , I just cried . Try to remember next time your tempted to peek at fb how it hurt you today . I hope this helps Mike . Im no expert . I'm in deep heartbreak too . Just wanted to share my thoughts and let you know your not alone bro . I keep telling myself if she wants to contact me she will , until then ( and that time may never come ) I must not check up on her . It will only hurt me in the end . I cant hurt anymore than I do now , unless I bring it on myself . And fb is one surefire way to guarantee more hurt .

[mikezombie777]

Thanks so much for the replies guys. It helped alot. I feel a little better at the moment Just being reminded others are feeling the same way makes it easier. Isnt it funny how we go through all this pain for people who dont deserve the time of the day? We have our faults but we have so much to offer some lucky girl one day. Eventually someone whos worth it will see that!

[TheJiltedGeneration]

F**k man I am also right there with ya m8, got to a point where I just had to plainly delete my facebook account (my ex set on private, I am also considering blocking the site altogether as a extreme..) and to block her deviant art account as well.. But yea like me I can see your still clinging on to that last string of hope, hoping that while it may appear she has moved on, you keep thinking to yourself that facebook or w/e social site will show you a open window.. attesting her equal angst by how said ex will pour their heart out on how much they miss you..

 

trust me They WONT!!!!.

 

you HAVE to think each time you get a urge to browse a account, think.. ( and at times tell yourself...) if they really missed you ( and I mean to the point of feeling empty w/o you...) they would have definitely contacted you somehow.. and not allow this amount of time to pass ( by which if they have allowed time to past then.. sorry they have grown apart and distant from the relationship)..

 

.however just searching (or "snooping" if you will) will just strike you down hard that really they have moved on more than you would like to know.. and IT WILL HURT MORE THAN NEVER HAVING TO CHECK AT ALL..

 

you see them jovially updating rather trival things too, as if the time you where with them was the adjunct factor in their life... and that will make you feel even more self-loathing and resentful...

 

The best thing to do is just to forget about it, move on and not try to clench onto false hope. I still invent senarios where my ex comes to epithany and contacts me with wish of absolving all the problems the relationship had and trying to be more loving.. but for reasons I wont elaborate that just impossible.. when you invent these delusions your creating your own limbo of hopeful investments that keep expanding until you depend on these thoughts in a rather unrealistic manner.. sometimes frantically to a point of withdrawal from placing your energy to anything else that matters.. ( believe me a friend saw me getting this way had to tell me right to my face to "JUST LET HER LIVE ON....")

 

 

but the longer you linger in these delusions, the more devestated you will be when you learn that she's off with someone else or she's content, elated, or even worse... joie de vire... and sometimes when you rinse and repeat these delusions like I did.. well some unhealthy.. options.. start to form..

 

do yourself a favour .. either find the strength of self-restraint or find a way to impose on your little fancies ( I am considering setting ways to blocking sites with passwords that I will ask my parents/friends to keep or something to that effect).. you will not regret it as much as checking to see if the flame is still lit...

 

just put/try to put all that energy into accepting she will never come back and also ( even better) into forcing yourself to move on... otherwise you'll be in a endless cycle or relapse that will constantly make you feel worse and worse...

Edited October 27, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[AlisaMarie]

Remember guys... you can snoop away on facebook, but NOBODY is going to put up a sad picture! Of course your exs are going to put up their hottest picture imaginable!

 

Some people put their true feelings on their wall... but as for me- I post the best pictures and write the most positive things even if I don't feel that way so if an EX is snooping... they know that I am fine without them!

[TheJiltedGeneration]

well it's not just pictures but wall updates as well, but there are also "other" ways to convince yourself of snooping for real feelings, with comments about certain things and trying to find undertones in what she/he says. and sometimes people have been "known" to update with intimate feelings or w/e as a way of getting attention w/o being direct as a means to see if the other person will reply...

(myself included, which is one of the reasons why I quit facebook as I shouldn't be like that... besides.. "other" reasons)..

 

when your in denial you tend to read too much into things, and try to scavenge for any seeming approximation to how you want your ex to feel about you right now.... (even if it's way off) so the best thing to do is to stop using social sites like facebook or if the temptation is too great... to RESTRICT yourself completely

 

FenderJames just recently posted a way to block these sites for good ( good riddance tbh) on this sub forum so It's worth definitely checking out. I am not sure if the method is legit ( should be, as FJ is a regular poster on this form, so I trust him =) ) but if your willing to download it or have experience with it I would at least consider it a option. ( by extention .. getting rid of something like facebook is a good way to free up time you obsess on there.. but hey thats a different thing all together...)

[fenderjames]

Hi guys , a few comments on weather the facebook block is legit ( understandibly with all the crap on the net ) . I assure you it is . I scanned the file with AVG , its clean . Cnet recommended it too and I trust that download site . Smart to ask though , as I said there is alot of crap out there . I assure you I dont work for these folks or am I affiliated in anyway with them . I only mentioned it as I thought some may want to go that route . All the best everyone , cheers