all3sides Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 I am looking for some advice on dealing with xMM/co-worker who is not respecful of my NC. I don't want to regurgitate the whole story but to sum it up, I had a 2.5 yr PA with a co-worker, went NC almost 6 months ago, still have to work with him and he's just not getting the NO CONTACT part of NC. I survived the first few months of NC, having to see him but not 'have' him anymore, getting him out of my system but now that I feel I'm over him and the A and ready to move on, he is like a mosquito that won't go away. At the beginning of NC, we both made sure we didn't have to interact or even speak to each other at work and after a couple months he tried to weasel back in, I refused and it went on like that for a few more months. Now about a month ago, he invited me out for a drink and to talk and I accepted, honestly to just to get my "closure" and be done with that. I told him as much. But now it seems that he's popping back up everywhere at work, being chatty, making comments about my hair or how I'm dressed. I just wish he'd leave me alone because it's beginning to make me uncomfortable. I won't ever go back to the A or him, have even told him that and he won't give up. Do I need to threaten to tell his W (I know she suspected, but don't think she ever knew for sure) or tell the boss (that's a whole other story though, she apparently pursued xMM herself while he was involved with me and after he rejected her she wrote me up for "poor job performance" and threatened to fire me)? Obviously telling him I'm done and not going back is not stopping him and I need him to stop. Thanks in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 He's being friendly. Is he doing anything that would make you uncomfortable if it wasn't him? If it was a guy/girl you work with? I'd say that your being uncomfortable is more than likely preferable, overall, than blowing his and his wife's worlds apart.... I don't know, what do you think? I say keep your distance, if you must reply to him because it would draw unwelcome attention if you did not keep responses curt. He will get bored, I'm sure. The drama that might unfold if you attempt to control his behaviour might not work in your favour if it bleeds in to your working life etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Yianks Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Hello. Question: if he tells you that he is willing to leave his M and be with you, would you accept him back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author all3sides Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 No, and again, have told him so. Plus he isn't leaving "because of his kids" and I knew it going in. We are not compatible in the Real World, we just had a great physical chemistry, that he won't let go of apparently. Link to post Share on other sites
Yianks Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 No, and again, have told him so. Plus he isn't leaving "because of his kids" and I knew it going in. We are not compatible in the Real World, we just had a great physical chemistry, that he won't let go of apparently. Just said it a previous thread and applies here as well. You should consider telling his W about his behavior and probably leave aside (for the moment) the physical aspect of the A. Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Telling the boss doesn't sound like a very bright idea. Maybe you could let him know that you WILL tell his wife if he doesn't leave you alone. My xMM wouldn't leave me alone, even after many efforts on my part to go NC. it wasn't until his wife interecepted a phone call that he dropped me like a hot cake. Might work for this MM too. Perhaps you can get a male friend to start hanging around work and look like he is your new love interest????? Anyway, I'd leave the workplace out of it. GG Link to post Share on other sites
Author all3sides Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 I was hoping for a different answer. I'm on the fence about telling the W though. I feel like since it's been this long since ending it, I don't want to get caught in the middle of starting something between them. And I don't know that the reason she never "figured it out" was because she really didn't want to know. Afterall, this is a woman with a PhD in Psychology who questioned her husband multiple times over his cell phone bill but never had an official d-day???? I just want to be left alone. It was hard getting to this point, I do have my weak moments and his pestering isn't helping. We can work in the same building and have no contact other than work email when necessary. If he will just let me. And yes, I need to leave the boss out of it. I've been here almost 7 years and it's a pretty cushy job (with the exception of the jealous back-stabbing boss but she knows I know her threats were personal and nothing really to do with my job performance. That's my Ace and job security.) Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 make up a fictitious boyfriend. Have him send you cards and flowers at work from, Love, Joe. Tell your co-workers you are taking things slow, but he appears to be over the moon about you. Make it very obvious that you are involved NOW with someone else. Any more contact, tell MM you cannot do this anymore as it would be terrible for your new boyfriend and he is the very jealous type. He almost decked the waiter at (name a five-star restaurant) in the area for smiling at you too long. Good luck!:laugh::bunny: And have some fun with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author all3sides Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 I tried that Spark!!! I was actually editing my post to add that about a week after I met xMM for drinks and closure, I let it "slip" to a handy co-worker that I had met someone and I really liked him (which wasn't even made up!) and before I even got home xMM was blowing up my phone. I never answered and he's never mentioned me dating. But then the next week he's commenting about how long and sexy my hair has gotten. I don't think the thought of me dating someone else really bothers him that much though. At one point during the A, he even said he wanted to introduce me to a friend of his that had gotten divorced. Then added so he'd know what I was up to and with whom....So as long as he got his, he didn't care what else I was up to. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Honestly, this is your mess, having an A with someone you work with and the fallout, consquences is dealing with him on a daily basis.. and now you need to be an ice queen to him. Because you two were in NC mode, then he asked you for a drink, you accepted after months of NC he probably figures you'll cave eventually. IGNORE him. No converations, at all. ONLY business related. Anything personal, you ignore and walk away. He will stop eventually. If he leaves messages, delete without listening to them, delete emails without reading them. You can be pro active in this process so he won't "get to you" like he is now. You can only control yourself, you can't control him. Telling his wife, or threatening to tell her just so he'll leave you alone isn't right. He more than likely will call your bluff, so are you fully prepared to deal with her and that fallout? She could very well strike out and try to ruin your reputation at work and also tell your family, friends, other co workers that you had an A with her husband.. Never say never. Best revenge is stay silent and ignore him. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I was hoping for a different answer. I'm on the fence about telling the W though. I feel like since it's been this long since ending it, I don't want to get caught in the middle of starting something between them. And I don't know that the reason she never "figured it out" was because she really didn't want to know. Afterall, this is a woman with a PhD in Psychology who questioned her husband multiple times over his cell phone bill but never had an official d-day???? I just want to be left alone. It was hard getting to this point, I do have my weak moments and his pestering isn't helping. We can work in the same building and have no contact other than work email when necessary. If he will just let me. And yes, I need to leave the boss out of it. I've been here almost 7 years and it's a pretty cushy job (with the exception of the jealous back-stabbing boss but she knows I know her threats were personal and nothing really to do with my job performance. That's my Ace and job security.) I guess her education negates the fact that she might actually believe him(whether she should or shouldn't). As has been said on here many times, intelligence seems to have little to do with the emotions of loving someone or even getting involved with them. It is what it is. It seems everyone, the wife, the boss, the xMM has issues. How did you get mixed up with them? Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I think your boss is more of a threat to you than your xMM. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I think your boss is more of a threat to you than your xMM. Yup. And she isn't taking that fact seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 I think your boss is more of a threat to you than your xMM. This! I mirror what OB and BnB have said.. (with the exception of the jealous back-stabbing boss but she knows I know her threats were personal and nothing really to do with my job performance. That's my Ace and job security.) Do you know how easy it is for your boss to find 'fault' or 'mistakes' in your work and write you up, give you warnings? It might be subtle or it might not, but if your boss wants you gone, it'll happen, threats or no threats..Especially if she finds out about a work place affair, both you and your exMM could be gone. Many company's have policy's against office romances. Link to post Share on other sites
Author all3sides Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 I live in an "At Will" Employment state, they could fire me tomorrow because they want my desk space to install a stripper pole. I just want to go back to being the invisible girl in the office. Link to post Share on other sites
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