Major problems with adopted sister

[maysj18]

Just some background: my mom was pregnant when she re-married my father after they had divorced for the first time. It was not his child, but he said he would raise it as if it was his own; however, God had other plans and presented them with a wonderful, caring couple who was barren and wanted children. It was an open adoption so we've always had contact with them, etc.

 

Well, it wasn't until a couple years ago that her and I started talking. I'm 21, she's 17. She's a very driven, beautiful girl, but she has SO many emotional issues that she blames on the adoption. She has a definite attachment disorder among many other things. She came to visit one week and never wanted to leave. She calls my mom "mom", which is okay, but it makes her adoptive mom feel terrible. She also listed my mom as her mother on Facebook, although my mom declined the request. She has had some major issues with her adoptive parents and has asked to move in with us multiple times. My mom, me, and my brother love her, but not like family. This isn't how we envisioned the adoption to turn out. Aside from her constant yearning for our attention, she always has "mental" problems:

 

1. She has temper tantrums in public places if the slightest thing happens

2. she has been escorted to mental hospitals twice by police officers for these tantrums and for "suicide" attempts

3. Her latest suicide attempt consisted of her mixing a large number of Ibuprofen with alcohol

4. She has an eating disorder that she talks openly about

5. She has said she wanted a baby, just to fill the void of not being with her biological family

6. She jumps head first into extremely serious relationships with guys

etc.

 

Basically, she is STARVED for attention and she tries to drag everyone into her whirlwind of a life. My mom is a psychologist and I know a good deal, so I'm not belittling her problems. They are obviously there, but you can't blame a situation for all of your problems. She is on lots of medications, but I believe she chooses not to get better. I want to be there for her, but I also don't want to enable this behavior. Any thoughts?

 

P.S. She has seen plenty of health professionals. The only one she has ever liked was a social worker she met at school, who apparently would come over to her house and cry with her when she was upset. That just proves my point: she does everything for attention.

[Nikki82]

Sounds like you said it yourself...that she's gotten help but she doesn't want to help herself.

 

All the counselors in the world can't help you if you don't want to help yourself.

 

The only suggestion here is that you can be a good person to her, but if she is affecting your emotional well-being, then keep your time and communication with her short. It sounds like this girl has a good life, so for her to victimize herself constantly is just not healthy. Knowing that, I wouldn't be surprised if she then makes you the "enemy" for not enabling her enough. So be ready for that, but let it blow over your head.

 

I had to close off my relationship with my own mom for similar reasons regarding not helping herself. Sadly, I've had to be more drastic than I suggest you do. I suggest you minimize contact when things are negative, but I have had to cut off ALL comms with my mom.

 

If you start feeling sick with worry because of her, you really need to back away from the situation. Your health comes first.

[TigerCub]

I agree that your sister has issues, I'm sorry if I can't offer anything helpful.

 

But it honestly boggles my mind how your mom the psychologist, can't see the damage she's caused this girl. This girl (your sister), I'm sure feels rejected and has abandonment issues and yet, she can have the "privelage" of getting a peak at how the "chosen ones" (the kids that weren't given away) get to live with the mom that rejected her!! really no one sees how that's causing her problems?!

 

I'm not one that's against adoption, but I can certainly imagine the feelings of rejection that could come with it, and this girl is trying so hard to be included by the one that rejected her. I feel sorry for her.

 

And although one shouldn't blame a single issue for all their actions, you gotta admit that this is a 1 big issue.

Also, you don't know that the people that adopted her are so great. I'm not saying they aren't, but unless you lived in that house with them all the time, you can't really claim with certainty that they are a wonderful couple.

 

You sister does need help, that part is undeniable, but she also needs a little compassion as well. Teenage years are tough enough as they are, but to actually have to go through them with an added sense of rejection and watching what the "non rejects" live like - that's gotta make things infinitely tougher.

 

I hope that she will get help, and I agree that nothing will work until she's willing to help herself, but I think right now, understanding and compassion is what this girl needs more than anything. Not indulgence in her negative behavior, but understanding.

[maysj18]

I agree that your sister has issues, I'm sorry if I can't offer anything helpful.

 

But it honestly boggles my mind how your mom the psychologist, can't see the damage she's caused this girl. This girl (your sister), I'm sure feels rejected and has abandonment issues and yet, she can have the "privelage" of getting a peak at how the "chosen ones" (the kids that weren't given away) get to live with the mom that rejected her!! really no one sees how that's causing her problems?!

 

I'm not one that's against adoption, but I can certainly imagine the feelings of rejection that could come with it, and this girl is trying so hard to be included by the one that rejected her. I feel sorry for her.

 

And although one shouldn't blame a single issue for all their actions, you gotta admit that this is a 1 big issue.

Also, you don't know that the people that adopted her are so great. I'm not saying they aren't, but unless you lived in that house with them all the time, you can't really claim with certainty that they are a wonderful couple.

 

You sister does need help, that part is undeniable, but she also needs a little compassion as well. Teenage years are tough enough as they are, but to actually have to go through them with an added sense of rejection and watching what the "non rejects" live like - that's gotta make things infinitely tougher.

 

I hope that she will get help, and I agree that nothing will work until she's willing to help herself, but I think right now, understanding and compassion is what this girl needs more than anything. Not indulgence in her negative behavior, but understanding.

 

Ehhhh, watch it. My mom has done everything she can possibly do. She has welcomed her into our home and she is always there to talk. They have even talked in depth about the adoption. My mom is the best parent in the world and would never purposefully try to make her feel abandoned. She can't be a mother figure to her, though. That's something she gave away in the adoption and that's her real mothers job. She will call my mom in the middle of the night begging her to take her in and she plans trips to my house without even asking. She crosses the line. She's just been talking to all of us for the last couple of years. We gave her time to grow up and become established in her new life. She found us just a few years ago when she found out she was adopted. I understand there's more going on with her than I can understand because i wasn't adopted, but everyone has their crosses to bear and we have been there for her through thick and thin, but the more we sympathize the worse she gets.

[TigerCub]

Ehhhh, watch it. My mom has done everything she can possibly do. She has welcomed her into our home and she is always there to talk. They have even talked in depth about the adoption. My mom is the best parent in the world and would never purposefully try to make her feel abandoned. She can't be a mother figure to her, though. That's something she gave away in the adoption and that's her real mothers job. She will call my mom in the middle of the night begging her to take her in and she plans trips to my house without even asking. She crosses the line. She's just been talking to all of us for the last couple of years. We gave her time to grow up and become established in her new life. She found us just a few years ago when she found out she was adopted. I understand there's more going on with her than I can understand because i wasn't adopted, but everyone has their crosses to bear and we have been there for her through thick and thin, but the more we sympathize the worse she gets.

 

hehe, okay, I'll watch it

 

So does your sister know the same story you know - that your mom was knocked up by a different guy other than your dad, and that she gave her up because of that?

 

whatever, your mom may be an awesome mom to YOU, but she's not to this one, but you're right its not her job anymore, she gave that up when she gave your sister up.

 

As to that part in bold, does that not strike you as sad? Something is wrong with this girl. Has she been to therapy? How is her life at home with her adoptive parents. I'll agree that she can't keep doing what she's doing. but if she found out in her teenage years that she was adopted (that's huge, there has to be some part of her that felt lied to - and on top of that the questions of why her bio parents gave her up). I just feel bad for her. Her behavior needs to change, but she needs professional help, she needs understanding.

[maysj18]

hehe, okay, I'll watch it

 

So does your sister know the same story you know - that your mom was knocked up by a different guy other than your dad, and that she gave her up because of that?

 

whatever, your mom may be an awesome mom to YOU, but she's not to this one, but you're right its not her job anymore, she gave that up when she gave your sister up.

 

As to that part in bold, does that not strike you as sad? Something is wrong with this girl. Has she been to therapy? How is her life at home with her adoptive parents. I'll agree that she can't keep doing what she's doing. but if she found out in her teenage years that she was adopted (that's huge, there has to be some part of her that felt lied to - and on top of that the questions of why her bio parents gave her up). I just feel bad for her. Her behavior needs to change, but she needs professional help, she needs understanding.

 

Did you not read? She has been to so many counselors and psychiatrists and the ONLY one she ever "liked" had a very nonprofessional relationship with her, like the social worker would cry with her and tell her her own problems, etc. That's NOT help, that's enabling. She refuses any help from any sort of medical professional that WON'T get on that level with her.

 

She thinks my mom is a great mom to HER, which is why she wants to live with us. That is impossible, though. Adoptions always come with hardships, but this is just as hard on my mom as it is on her. She knows the story and she told everyone on Facebook in her "about me" section how she came to be adopted. She has known ever since she was little, but all we did was back out of the picture while she was little. When she was old enough to get Facebook, that's when she really started talking to us. Her family life could be better, but so could mine. I just think it's gotten to a point where they don't know how to help her, you know?

 

And of course it's sad, but how in the world can we solve her problems? I know she can't see that right now, but we don't know where to draw that line. We don't know how to help either.

[TigerCub]

Did you not read? She has been to so many counselors and psychiatrists and the ONLY one she ever "liked" had a very nonprofessional relationship with her, like the social worker would cry with her and tell her her own problems, etc. That's NOT help, that's enabling. She refuses any help from any sort of medical professional that WON'T get on that level with her.

 

She thinks my mom is a great mom to HER, which is why she wants to live with us. That is impossible, though. Adoptions always come with hardships, but this is just as hard on my mom as it is on her. She knows the story and she told everyone on Facebook in her "about me" section how she came to be adopted. She has known ever since she was little, but all we did was back out of the picture while she was little. When she was old enough to get Facebook, that's when she really started talking to us. Her family life could be better, but so could mine. I just think it's gotten to a point where they don't know how to help her, you know?

 

And of course it's sad, but how in the world can we solve her problems? I know she can't see that right now, but we don't know where to draw that line. We don't know how to help either.

 

oh very nice!!

having attitude as you're asking for advice!

Awesome skill - you must have picked that up from The Super Psychologist

 

I'm done here - good luck with all your drama

[creighton0123]

Your half sister has never learned how to, or has forgotten how to communicate. There is a strong possibility that as she becomes more independent in the next few years, she will mature out of this.

 

Right now, though, the status of the open adoption and her own teenage angst seem to be amplifying otherwise normal rebellion patterns.

 

How do I deal with people who act like this? I let them know that their actions have consequences and that said consequences involve her pushing the people she loves further away, which is the exact opposite of what she hopes to achieve.

[Untouchable_Fire]

oh very nice!!

having attitude as you're asking for advice!

Awesome skill - you must have picked that up from The Super Psychologist

I'm done here - good luck with all your drama

 

You insulted OP's mother and asked questions she already answered. How much do you think your advice was going to be worth? I'd chew on you too just for not paying attention to words I type.

 

@Mays - Your half sister clearly has some issues at home. If she was happy with her adoptive parents this wouldn't be as much of an issue.

 

Is there a large income or age gap between her adoptive parents and your household?

 

I would agree it seems much of what she does is for attention, but don't be too hard on her because at 17 I don't think she is self-aware enough to make serious changes.