I Cannot Believe What I Did

[Junglist]

I've been in love with this guy ever since I met him. It didn't progress for me at all, like it did for him, I just loved him right away.

 

We saw each other for the past 6 months, and his attitude was rather cool and distant. It was so amazing watching him warm up to me so slowly, whereas I almost inappropriately became attached. We got the the point of 6 months where he was starting catching up to my level of attachment. It made me so happy, I would cry because of how happy it made me sometimes. I really felt love and energy exchanged between the two of us. I told him I loved him, and I truly believe I did and he was the best I ever had.

 

He always took care of me and I would do the same, always treating eachother with love no matter how much joking and smack talk we'd engage in as well. I used to be addicted to a certain drug and I gave that up for him and destroyed my paraphenelia. I would do anything for him. I always expressed far more attachment than he could to me. I told him I loved him, but he never referred to me as his girlfriend to anybody, yet we consistently spend several days and nights of the week together, almost constantly.

 

However, I was young and naive. We both had such trust issues going into it and I hurt him in a way I never had hurt someone before. I have been the most faithful girlfriend and have only ever been mistreated, abused, and been cheated on by guys. I never had any premeditations about what it was I did. I only ever seem to have male friends in my life, yet I'm a wholesome girl who doesn't like to sleep around, I'd prefer to just have a boyfriend or not. I cannot believe I did this... It makes me absolutely sick and disgusted.

 

I got really really hammered one night with some guys that work with my boss by downing a couple bottles of red wine and then mixed drinks. Mistake of the night: if you're a young lady, don't drink with guys you don't know so well. I got so unbelievably hammered that I only remember snippets from then... There was a halloween party going on accross the street and we went in. Later I went for a smoke and an unattractive, different guy, whom I've never met was speaking to me and I wound up sleeping with him.

 

I do not recall any of the dialogue or why I did it. All I remember was that he used a condom and some force. He was very unattractive, nothing like my boyfriend... Why did I do this?! I admit it, I totally ****ed up, at least the guy was nice enough to send me home in a cab. Maybe I hated the party that was going on?! I've already told my boyfriend what I did and he was absolutely devastated. I told him everything, right away the next day after it happened. He procceeded to tell me not to call him or talk to him. I apologized and told him how he was all I ever talked about or cared about.

 

I had such a horrible headache from crying all day that I couldn't do anything. I already bought about $60.00 worth of halloween decorations for his roommate's party and he told me to return them. I feel so dirty and almost as if I did not choose what I did. It wasn't rape but it might as well have been, this man took advantage of my mental state. I was so drunk I remember vommitting and being incapacitated.

 

I worked so hard to win my partner over and now I'm dead to him. I robbed myself of the best thing that ever happened to me!!! What can I do? Can I salvage that or should I move on? I don't think I can... I'm still trying to figure out why I did that. What are some practical solutions or approaches or words I can use for this? How long do I wait? How many girls is he going to sleep with while I give him space? Or should I just dick off?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I had such a horrible headache from crying all day that I couldn't do anything. I already bought about $60.00 worth of halloween decorations for his roommate's party and he told me to return them. I feel so dirty and almost as if I did not choose what I did. It wasn't rape but it might as well have been, this man took advantage of my mental state. I was so drunk I remember vommitting and being incapacitated.

 

I worked so hard to win my partner over and now I'm dead to him. I robbed myself of the best thing that ever happened to me!!! What can I do? Can I salvage that or should I move on? I don't think I can... I'm still trying to figure out why I did that. What are some practical solutions or approaches or words I can use for this? How long do I wait? How many girls is he going to sleep with while I give him space? Or should I just dick off?

 

Yes it's kind of touch and go as to if this is rape or not. What this guy did was extremely inappropriate.

 

In regards to your BF... the guy is gone, just let him go. You will eventually move on and find someone else. These things happen in life and it takes time to overcome the trauma of them... but it's that struggle which makes us grow as humans.

 

When you are in a relationship... you don't go out drinking with other men. Most guys would dump you for just that. I'm sorry you had to learn this the hard way.

[nofool4u]

However, I was young and naive.

 

oh here we go:rolleyes:

 

 

I got really really hammered one night with some guys that work with my boss by downing a couple bottles of red wine and then mixed drinks.

 

and you were getting hammered with other guys why??

 

 

Mistake of the night: if you're a young lady, don't drink with guys you don't know so well.

 

so this isn't your fault, its the other guys' fault?

 

 

I do not recall any of the dialogue or why I did it. All I remember was that he used a condom and some force. He was very unattractive, nothing like my boyfriend... Why did I do this?!

 

because you wanted to, you knew what you were doing when going drinking with other guys.

 

if you have a boyfriend, you shouldn't be out drinking with other men.

 

 

I admit it, I totally ****ed up, at least the guy was nice enough to send me home in a cab. Maybe I hated the party that was going on?! I've already told my boyfriend what I did and he was absolutely devastated. I told him everything, right away the next day after it happened. He procceeded to tell me not to call him or talk to him. I apologized and told him how he was all I ever talked about or cared about.

 

sorry, someone with the mindset that they only have eyes for someone else and they are all they ever talk about, doesn't go out partying with a bunch of other guys.

 

 

 

I worked so hard to win my partner over and now I'm dead to him. I robbed myself of the best thing that ever happened to me!!! What can I do?

 

move on and next time you get someone you claim to care about, stay away from partying.

 

 

Can I salvage that or should I move on?

 

move on, because even if he did agree to get back with you, he will remember what you did and will never be at peace with himself if he is with you.

 

I don't even know why you'd want to or how you could look him in the face.

 

 

How many girls is he going to sleep with while I give him space?

 

what??? you are worried about this after what you did? he could be thinking, "if I stay with her, how many guys is she going to sleep with when she continues to party with other men without me around."

 

 

Or should I just dick off?

 

yes

[Junglist]

Well thanks for the really sensitive feedback guys.

 

I guess cheating is an unforgivable dirty terrible sin, no matter what the circumstances.

 

I'm a tomboy, I always chill with dudes, I don't have female friends, they never stay in contact. I didn't mean to get hammered with them; I did not control my alcohol, which I normally do.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Well thanks for the really sensitive feedback guys.

I guess cheating is an unforgivable dirty terrible sin, no matter what the circumstances.

I'm a tomboy, I always chill with dudes, I don't have female friends, they never stay in contact. I didn't mean to get hammered with them; I did not control my alcohol, which I normally do.

 

You are not a bad person, stuff like this happens to everybody at some point. I've been drunk as hell and almost slept with a girl I didn't intend to. I learned a lot from that experience.

 

I'm sorry these guys you trusted to take care of you were not trustworthy. You will find most guys are not.

 

Do you just expect your BF to forgive you? Like it's your right to cheat blame the alcohol and move on like nothing happened? This isn't a movie... in real life any guy with a pair of balls will dump you if your a cheater.

 

It doesn't make you a bad person... nor does it make him a bad person.

 

If you take away any one thing it's this... Seek some professional counseling because if what happened to you wasn't rape... it's close enough that there may be some lasting psychological effects.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

By the laws in most U.S. States you were raped, without question.

 

(though you could live elsewhere)

 

When you are too drunk to give consent, you are non-consenting, and it is illegal to have sex with a partner who is too drunk to give consent.

 

 

Though it would have been more sensible had you put it in such terms to your boyfriend from the start. Back-tracking to this is going to look dumb and desperate.

[Junglist]

Thank you for your help, both responses after my reply.

Really did help me a lot <3

[Untouchable_Fire]

By the laws in most U.S. States you were raped, without question.

(though you could live elsewhere)

When you are too drunk to give consent, you are non-consenting, and it is illegal to have sex with a partner who is too drunk to give consent.

Though it would have been more sensible had you put it in such terms to your boyfriend from the start. Back-tracking to this is going to look dumb and desperate.

 

Every state literally has it's own definition of rape, though most are similar.

 

When it comes to being too drunk to provide consent the only times you will ever see this prosecuted is when the perpetrator served the alcohol to the victim, because it shows intent.

 

However saying "NO" trumps all that, because it is a very clear statement of unwillingness.

 

In this case, OP didn't mention saying yes or no... I assume she can't remember... and was served alcohol by other people. We can't say for sure what happened, but it's most likely not possible to press charges.

 

Bottom line, this is a bigger deal than her losing the BF, and should seek treatment.

[nofool4u]

Well thanks for the really sensitive feedback guys.

 

I guess cheating is an unforgivable dirty terrible sin, no matter what the circumstances.

 

depends on the one contemplating on whether to forgive or not. i see it as unforgivable, and so far so does your now X.

 

but he clearly wants you to leave him alone. so at least honor that wish.

[nofool4u]

I'm sorry these guys you trusted to take care of you were not trustworthy. You will find most guys are not.

 

ah, so she didn't have any responsibility in this at all eh?

 

and way to go with the sexist comment.

Edited October 28, 2011 by nofool4u

[nofool4u]

By the laws in most U.S. States you were raped, without question.

 

(though you could live elsewhere)

 

When you are too drunk to give consent, you are non-consenting, and it is illegal to have sex with a partner who is too drunk to give consent.

 

and if the guy was drunk, could he not have a case for rape as well?

 

if both of them were drunk, maybe she climbed aboard?

[nofool4u]

When it comes to being too drunk to provide consent the only times you will ever see this prosecuted is when the perpetrator served the alcohol to the victim, because it shows intent.

 

this I agree with

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Every state literally has it's own definition of rape, though most are similar.

 

When it comes to being too drunk to provide consent the only times you will ever see this prosecuted is when the perpetrator served the alcohol to the victim, because it shows intent.

 

 

And exactly HOW does this matter to the OP here?

 

When did she say anything about "prosecuting" ???

 

She was, without question, "raped".

 

 

Upon arrival at that point, she is the victim, and everything in the equation must regard her as such. "Prosecution" is not in this equation.

[doushenka]

If you're drunk, you can't consent, and it's rape. Period.

[loversquarrel]

If I were him I wouldn't want to see you again because you were drinking with a bunch of guys. I don't care what anyone says, that is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.

I wouldn't go drinking with a bunch of women because my girlfriend means the world to me and I wouldn't want her to feel worried, she trusts me but still, its human nature.

 

Also, one thing puzzles me - you gave up drugs but you couldn't control your alcohol intake?

 

Looks like you lost any chance with him. I walked away from far more than your boyfriend did. Learn from it and get counseling right away. Sounds like you have a few issues going on here that need addressing.

[Untouchable_Fire]

And exactly HOW does this matter to the OP here?

When did she say anything about "prosecuting" ???

She was, without question, "raped".

Upon arrival at that point, she is the victim, and everything in the equation must regard her as such. "Prosecution" is not in this equation.

 

I posted that AFTER OP had checked out of this thread.

 

My point was that if she felt raped that is what matters, and she needs to seek professional assistance. Additionally I was hoping to provide some information in the event she does choose to press charges.

 

I personally don't think this qualifies under the legal standard.

[Junglist]

I'm happy to report my boyfriend and I are back together and this blip has only made us stronger. I feel that it has deepened out relationship and if anything he trusts me more because I had the balls to say the truth right away and he was very understanding. We had the best weekend together, I don't really care what labels people wanna put on our relationship. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and he's living proof that forgiveness does exist he's looking out for me to be more careful in my choices. I'm ultimately in charge of my own choices, but having someone I'm accountable to is very comforting and good for me.

 

Thank you for the helpful comments, everyone. The cold criticisms can go suck it, you're obviously some kind of superhuman that never makes mistakes. Ahahaha.

 

One love! <3

[loversquarrel]

I wouldn't speak too soon if I were you....You did the right thing telling him, but I wouldn't doubt it for a second if he decides to strike back. Its ok now, give it some time for the resentment to set in, after all you sounded rather disingenuous with your last post.

[nofool4u]

If you're drunk, you can't consent, and it's rape. Period.

 

if they are both drunk, then who gets to call rape?

[nofool4u]

edit since can't delete

Edited November 2, 2011 by nofool4u

[nofool4u]

I'm happy to report my boyfriend and I are back together and this blip has only made us stronger. I feel that it has deepened out relationship and if anything he trusts me more because I had the balls to say the truth right away and he was very understanding. We had the best weekend together, I don't really care what labels people wanna put on our relationship. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and he's living proof that forgiveness does exist he's looking out for me to be more careful in my choices. I'm ultimately in charge of my own choices, but having someone I'm accountable to is very comforting and good for me.

 

so does this mean you are going to stop partying with other guys?

[Maggotface]

Oh boohoo people didnt agree that getting hammered and screwing other guys wasnt your fault. It doesnt matter if he took you back what you did was still wrong and if you didnt want negitive comments you picked the wrong board to come too. We're not perfect here but for the most part we at least admit to our mistakes.

[delurk]

I actually knew a girl with a story very similar to yours. Very attached to her guy, used to have issues with drugs, had an ongoing issue with alcohol, cheated on her guy one night while incredibly drunk, very sorry afterwards.

 

I think the key issue for you, as it was for her, is your drinking problem.

 

I got really really hammered one night... downing a couple bottles of red wine and then mixed drinks... I got so unbelievably hammered that I only remember snippets...

I don't know why no-one else has commented on it yet, but getting to this stage of intoxication in the first place - especially around people you don't really know - is not normal behavior for healthy people. You seem to have a rather major drinking problem, and that's really the root cause of all your other problems here.

 

I suggest you take steps to start to deal with your alcohol problem, or it's only going to cause issues for you again and again in the future.

[Space Ritual]

He's the best thing that ever happened to me and he's living proof that forgiveness does exist <3

 

Of course he is the best thing that ever happened...you can go screwing around on him whenever you like, blame it on booze and like an idiot he will take you back...well young lady don't be surprised if one of these times when you pull this he decides not to take you back but go upside your head!

[ChessPieceFace]

Well thanks for the really sensitive feedback guys.

 

I guess cheating is an unforgivable dirty terrible sin, no matter what the circumstances.

 

I've sinned orders of magnitude worse than you and it had nothing to do with cheating or relationships. But it was similar in that horrible unintended things happened like this.

 

I think if it was a one-time mistake and you really want to be with this guy, it could be salvaged. You'd have to somehow demonstrate that this really doesn't represent you, that you love him and that you're willing to do whatever it takes to prove it to him. I dunno the specifics of how to do that though.