Engagement in One Week... Having Second Thoughts?

[norajane]

Unfortunately, I would love to just pick up and move. But I can't justify paying rent for two apartments, one of which would be solely for the cheating x to live in rent free, since I am still liable under the lease. And am positive she won't pay any rent. What kind of a person does this?

 

If her family is so wonderful, why don't you tell them what all happened and ask them for money to pay her way after you move out?

 

Even if they won't do it, at least she will get questioned about her behavior again. Maybe one of them can get through to her. Don't make it so easy on her.

[Antique]

I don't believe the ballz on this woman. After being caught cheating. Her refusing to admit she did ANYTHING wrong. Me telling her I didn't want anything to do with her ever again. Her refusing to move out or pay rent. And me not talking to her for two days. I get a text message from her this morning asking me if I still wanted to go on a "romantic" trip to Europe with her that we have planned next week, because the tickets are already purchased/non-refundable and she is tired of fighting with me?

 

My initial instinct was to immediately text her back and tell her that she is insane. She cheated on me, was caught and refuses to admit it or even take responsibility? I don't want to speak to her let alone go to Europe with her. And tell her that I would rather go to Europe with Satan himself. Or burn the plane tickets I bought than let her use them.

 

But I didn't. Who knows what kind of firestorm that would start.

 

What kind of person has ZERO conscience? And how did I date her for 6 years?

[wilsonx]

An emotionally and/or physically abused person has no conscience. They do what they do for survival. They have a conscience but they have been lying to themselves for so long and running away from their problems so that when you confront her with her problem, what does she do? She runs and denies it and then acts like a child when she doesnt get what she wants.

 

You dated her for 6 years because you were a caretaker. You put her first in your life and did everything that she wanted to do. You never stood up for yourself until now. You knew she cheated on you, you knew she left you for another guy, so in her mind she has full control over you. Look what happens when you take control over your own life again, the selfish child emerges.

 

I am dealing with this right now. My ex is being the same narcissistic/selfish bitch yours is. I've given up a lot of the fun things I use to do because of her and now I have to give up more because she found a way to contact me and get under my skin. It is what it is but you have to do whats best for you. Go on that trip and leave her ass at home. They have some nice hookers in europe have fun with that.

 

Shes never going to admit it or take any responsibility for her wrong doing. Don't expect it or you are going to be waiting for ever, just accept that she did and move on with your life

[Citizen Erased]

I don't believe the ballz on this woman. After being caught cheating. Her refusing to admit she did ANYTHING wrong. Me telling her I didn't want anything to do with her ever again. Her refusing to move out or pay rent. And me not talking to her for two days. I get a text message from her this morning asking me if I still wanted to go on a "romantic" trip to Europe with her that we have planned next week, because the tickets are already purchased/non-refundable and she is tired of fighting with me?

 

My initial instinct was to immediately text her back and tell her that she is insane. She cheated on me, was caught and refuses to admit it or even take responsibility? I don't want to speak to her let alone go to Europe with her. And tell her that I would rather go to Europe with Satan himself. Or burn the plane tickets I bought than let her use them.

 

But I didn't. Who knows what kind of firestorm that would start.

 

What kind of person has ZERO conscience? And how did I date her for 6 years?

Did she pay for any of this trip? Cos if not, I suggest you hook up with a hottie in a bar, bring her back to your apartment for VERY loud sex, and then take her with you on the vacation.

 

If the lease is absolutely, 100% not breakable, (call the management company and see if there is ANYTHING they can do to evict her if she won't pay her share) make her life hell so she moves her using, selfish, cheating arse out of your apartment. If she wants to play it ugly, play it uglier.

[M2155]

Can you afford to pay the 6 months and move? (Don't let her stay either. I mean buy it out completely). Please sell the tickets or take the money you were going to invest in the ring if you can afford it and buy out the lease and have your names removed-I'm no lawyer but that sounds fair if they get their money and a vacant appartment. Anyway if you can, I'd suggest you do that to get her out of your space. She is NOT going to go on her own. If not, suck it up and move out and make sure your name is off the lease in 6 months.

 

Vacations don't make anything better. It's a distraction, that one I can assure you from experience. You need to go on a vacation by yourself...seriously. If you can't cancel take a friend or family member (hell take one of us!) Just don't go with her. She'll get under your skin.

[Coupedriver]

With both of your names being on the lease,yes they can sue you..BUT they can also come after her too.What you REALLY need to do is find a first rate lawyer that handles this.There is always a way to break a lease....I have done it twice...and with a "NO BREAK " clause.Just like M2155 said..Get rid of those tickets...You can cash them in for SOMETHING,airlines might help you or place a quick ad or better yet..CALL anyone to see if you can even get half of what you paid for them.TRUST in wilsonx...he explained to me how I was a CAREGIVER and man,did it come back to bite me..BADLY.I have been NC for almost 2 weeks and man it sucks..but I went a different route in dealing with my pain.DROP HER LIKE A HOT POKER...you can't see it now...but YOU will be better in the long run.

[Antique]

I spoke with the airlines. The best they can offer is a credit for the tickets. The kicker, the credit can ONLY be in the name of the ticketed passenger. So guess who gets a credit to use without paying anything. Just another way she goes on to take from me financially without any consequences or expense on her part. I am planning on letting the ticket expire without being used, at which point it will be worth nothing and just hope she's not smart enough to contact the airline beforehand.

 

I also spoke with an attorney friend. Unfortunately, if I leave the apartment or break the lease, I could be held responsible for a full 6 months rent. The landlord would have a duty to mitigate and try to find a new tenant, but if he doesn't or if Tracy refuses to move leave, I am still liable to pay all 6 months. My only recourse would be to sue her at the end of the lease. This is probably the biggest disaster. But there are some other options/tactics I can use to make sure she pays as least what she is required to or prohibit her from using any of my things. If I want to, I can play dirty and make living there awful for her. But, unfortunately unlike her, that's not my style.

 

I came home last night to find her waiting for me. I told her, again, it would be in everyone's best interest to resolve this amicably and quickly. Her response, "I can make your life a living hell. You don't even know what you're in for."

 

Again, what amazes me the most is; she caused this. And, there's no remorse, no apology, no honesty. Just spite, that I am the one that is causing her this pain and she wants to go out of her way to get even with me? I'm not the one who cheated?

[geegirl]

Again, if you were going to invest in a $32K ring, why would you not just pay the 6 months rent be done with it? You were foolish enough to want to spend $32K on a ring but not smart enough to invest in your well being because this is going to get worse for you.

[wilsonx]

It doesn't make sense but dont dwell on that aspect because it will confuse you and make you feel worse. Shes never going to admit she did anything wrong.

 

Don't play games with her. Don't escalate to having to sue her. You want to separate from her as quickly and effortlessly as possible. This isnt the backlash yet, that will come in a few months of NC. Her true selfish self will appear to you after the emotional detachment fades away. Also, she will continue being who she is and you will be like wow really?

 

 

I do not know what to tell you on how to get out of your situation. I read NY laws where its impossible to break rental leases.

 

You do have to come up with a solution as soon as possible and enact it.

[M2155]

Wow, she sounds very spiteful:mad:. I agree with geegirl again if you can pay for that ring, you should invest in buying out the lease (and don't let her stay there either without you because it's too easy for her to tear up the place etc.). You HAVE to get away. But she sounds vengeful and even when you move, I have a terrible feeling she'll cause trouble. Please make sure you secure your assets and she doesn't have your info. I know I'm thinking crazy but you never know who you are dealing with!!

 

(Don't turn her ticket in for credit, just bit the bullet on that one...or let her go and pay for the rest of the trip on her own.)

[Quiet Storm]

I don't think she is going to go queitly, so you need to be in offensive mode, not defensive.

 

Instead of waiting for what she's going to do next, be proactive.

 

Call her parents and tell them that their daughter cheated on you, that you no longer want to be in a relationship with her, that she is not able to afford the apartment on her own, and that they need to help her pay the rent or provide her a place to live.

 

They may take the side of their daughter (she will probably tell them you're crazy or a liar), however your exposure to them will help to burst your girlfriend's fantasy bubble.

 

Tell everyone that knows you guys what she did, and that she has the audacity to cheat on you and is refusing to move out the apartment. Tell them how she said she'd make your life a living hell.

 

The reason that I am saying to expose, is because people like her are all about image. She may not care about you, but she cares what people think of her and how people view her. Tarnishing her precious image may be the only thing she actually cares about.

 

To have everyone know that she went from expecting a 32K ring and a wedding, to cheating and threatening to make your life a living hell... that may shock her into reality.

 

Because right now, she thinks you will fall into place like you always have. She thinks she can bat her eyelashes and say sorry and everything will be fine.

 

She isn't taking you seriously. She thinks you are only trying to teach her a lesson, she doesn't see or feel that you are done with her yet.

 

Once she gets it, expect her craziness to come out in full force. When she loses it, call her parents and tell them that she is unstable. Let them listen to her rants over the phone if you have to. I'm sure she has thrown temper tantrums to get what she wants from them, too.

 

Basically, make her life in that apartment as unpleasant as possible without violating the law. Make her want to leave. Don't be nice or cordial with her. Have friends and girls over. Leave nasty poops in the toilet, lol. If she has a guy over, tell him she's a whore while she's standing right there. Don't carry in the groceries. Don't clean up after her. She can do the same thing back to you, though. It reminds me of the movie "Just Married" with Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz. It was sorta the same situation. He took the bathroom door off the hinges and everything. (watch this movie, it will make you laugh and feel a little better)

 

She is used to being treated like a princess, and being treated like a cheater, a liar and a ho may knock her down a few pegs.

 

I am not one to advocate game playing or revenge, but she is a spiteful bitch and she deserves it. She has put you in a position where you can't just walk away peacefully. She won't compromise. You have tried to resolve this amicably and she responds with threats.

 

I would suggest that you invest in a voice-activated recorder. She sounds like the type that may say you hit her, which could get you thrown out of the apartment and into jail. And straight up tell her, "I am taping every conversation we have so don't even try to falsely accuse me." Hang up a sign that says "this premises is being monitored by audio/video surveillance", so she can't say you baited her.

 

Lastly, if she does anything physical to you, call the cops. Even if she just tries to wrestle the recorder from your hands. Physical violence on her part would be grounds for a restraining order and she would have to stay away from you, which would solve your problem.

 

If you are not up for all the drama that the above will create, use the 32K and pay the rest of the lease.

 

Send a certified letter to the landlord (with a check for six months rent) that says that you are moving out because your relationship has turned volatile and that you are concerned for your safety. Ask for an inspection prior to moving out so that any damage to the apartment will be her responsibility. It sucks that she will get to stay there rent free, but you will be done with her. If you want to sue her for the money, go ahead...but it will likely cause more drama.

 

Sorry you have to go through this, but it's a small price to pay for the life you would've had if you married her.

[Antique]

I will give it to her, she is a master manipulator.

 

I just got a voice message from her saying she does not want to move out because she doesn't want the relationship to be over. Saying she is not ready to give up and can't understand how I am. She apologized for acting inappropriately, but says that despite what may have appeared to be seen, she was never unfaithful. She further blamed what happened - that may have been "inappropriate" but not "unfaithful" by saying that it was nice to have the attention of someone else after dating a person for so long and them not wanting to commit. She again stated that she has never and would never be unfaithful.

 

Either she's the greatest actress in the world and believes what she is saying, severely delusional about what happened, or she is the best gaslighter I have ever met.

[wilsonx]

Ok, Tell her the relationship is over, stop being passive.

 

Say it. "This relationship is over, pack your bags, and get out"

 

Stand up for yourself. Thats all you have to say

[geegirl]

I can only imagine if there will be any inappropriateness when the monotony of marriage sets in. Or the moment attention falters, she may be out looking elsewhere. You will always have to be looking over your shoulder. Marriage won't change her.

 

She is a master manipulator. It's good that you are able to see it. I just hope you save yourself. I feel sorry for the next guy that gets duped by her.

[Quiet Storm]

Now she is being nice. Manipulators will often try many different tactics until they find the one that works.

 

She feigned innocence, told you that your friends were seeing things. That didn't work.

 

She tried being mean and threatening to make your life a living hell.

That didn't work.

 

She tried diversion (going on the trip together). That didn't work.

 

Now she's being nice, but covertly blaming you (another manipulative tactic).

 

She needed attention because you (rightly) didn't want to commit...boo hoo. She's playing the victim (yet another manipulation).

 

Please don't fall for her BS and marry this girl. Listen to your instincts. They are your internal warning bells.

 

Her next tactic will be seduction...

[wilsonx]

Her next tactic will be seduction...

 

This is so true, dont do it, dont sleep with her, the second you do it, you're toast

Edited November 3, 2011 by wilsonx

[geegirl]

Her next tactic will be seduction...

 

So true. Cringe. I hope you can resist. 6 months in an apartment with her.

[Antique]

I thought I would provide an update because today has been particularly painful and I am not doing well.

 

While we are still living together I have tried to establish NC or at least partial NC and have asked her a few times to move out of the apartment.

 

On Sunday I heard her discussing things on the phone to a friend. She talked about how I may try to kick her out of the apartment but that she wouldn't let me because she knew she was entitled to stay since her name is on the lease. She made a comment about how if I tried to forcefully remove her she would act spiteful. Her disposition was very confrontational and angry; at least from what I heard. But I'm guessing this was because she didn't know I could hear her. Told her friend she had no problem living in the house with me for the remainder of the lease as she felt she has already moved once and did not need to have the burden of doing it again.

 

Monday, I ran into her face-to-face when I came home from work. I sat down with her and told her it would be in both of our best interests' if she moved out. She cried for almost an hour. Told me she would do whatever it takes to get us back together. That she knows I am the only person she wants to be with and can't imagine her life without me. Claimed that while she may have acted immature, it is just the way she is and sometimes you need things to happen to make you not take things for granted and that I am the only person she wants to be with. Told me she doesn't want to move out because if she does that it means we are officially over. Said she is using the lease as the only way she can hold on to things and try to force me to make them work. She also said she can't afford to move anywhere as she doesn't have the money to move or to pay rent for a new place. Admitted that it would not be in her best interest to move anywhere else because it wouldn't be as nice and she wouldn't have any furniture. She talked about how she would change and do anything to make it work. I told her I just couldn't believe her based on all that's happened. She continued to assert she did nothing wrong.

 

Monday night, still crying, she came to me and tried to seduce me. Told me she wanted to be with me. Said it didn't have to mean anything, she just wanted to be with me. It was difficult, but I rebutted her advances. She left crying. Didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

 

I am working from home today. She didn't speak with me this morning when she left. When she came home, she ignored me. I asked her if she had a chance to look into a potential move. She told me she didn't. Said that even if she was going to move, it wouldn't be for weeks and that she needed time to find a place that was the best for her. She left and hasn't said anything to me for the rest of the day.

 

It's an awful situation and I am not doing well. In all honesty, there is a part of me that just wants to be with her. She is the only person who has made me happy in the past six years; even when we were broken up and I dated other women - I just couldn't find anyone who made me happy like she did. On the other hand, over the past six years she is singlehandedly responsible for making me miserable more times than I can count and has acted more disrespectful and selfish than any person I've ever known.

 

I used to have so much to look forward to; someone that I was excited to see every night, plan vacations with, spending time with her family and someone I eventually thought I would share a life and have children with. Now, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. And, at my age, I am starting to think that I may never meet someone and have children. Or, that I will have to settle.

 

It's awful. The truth is, although she has never expressed any remorse or apologized and still continues to deny she has ever done anything inappropriate EVER, I genuinely believe she is sorry for what she did. But maybe only because she got caught. And the honest truth is I know that best case scenario at minimum she kissed some guy in a bar, worst case scenario, she went home with him.

 

I love her. But know that I will never trust her again based on everything she's done. And that if I were to get back together with her again, it would only be a matter of time before she is doing it all again.

 

I know the right thing to do in the long run is to get her out of my life as despite what she says, she will only continue to act selfish, lie to me and cause problems down the road. But I'm miserable without her and try to cheer myself up by telling myself one day you will meet someone you find as attractive, have as much fun with, has a great family, etc. and who will respect you and not lie to you. But I really don't believe it.

[norajane]

I know the right thing to do in the long run is to get her out of my life

 

Yes, THIS.

 

Stick to that.

 

You will meet someone and be happy in the future, someone who is with you because she wants you, not just because you are her sugar daddy and her life is a mess without a sugar daddy.

 

But you have to accept this is over and get her out of your life before you can meet someone. So, don't let her words fool you. She let her real self out on the phone when she didn't know you could her hear. Remember that tone of voice. That is what she really thinks of you.

[Antique]

Yup. Disregard my last post.

 

She just came home and her true colors came out. She told me she now completely agrees with me that we are finished and that it's a good thing. She doesn't care if it is an inconvenient living situation for me. She is going to do what is in her best interests. And her best interest is to stay in the apartment until the lease is up and not move. She claims I agreed to let her live there for what she is paying and that is all she'll pay. If I don't like it and I can't handle living with her, that's my problem and I should move out.

 

It is amazing how things turn at the drop of a hat with her. But I should have expected it. When she doesn't get what she wants by using pity; she reverts to her true self. I fell for it in the past so many times thinking, wow, she is crying, she is really sad, or this has really affected her, it must mean she cares.

 

I know it doesn't matter to people like this because they only care about themselves. But the thought doesn't even cross her mind that she was the one that caused this? Don't apologize, don't try to make amends, instead only look out for yourself.

 

Unfortunately, this is not over. I need an exit strategy and am going to have to go speak with a lawyer because she won't agree to work something out. Another way she continues to take $ from me and not care.

[Antique]

Unbelievable. I ended the prior conversation with her by telling her I was done trying to resolve things with her in an amicable matter. That I was just going to do whatever it took to void the lease and get out of this situation and I didn't want to speak with her anymore.

 

She leaves. Twenty minutes later she comes back later semi-apologetic saying "I was just trying to tell you that I have to look out for what I can afford right now; maybe you can help me find a place I can afford."

 

She goes from crying and begging to get back together one day. To telling me she's glad it's over and she's not going to leave and I should move out if I don't like it, the next. To being somewhat apologetic and asking me to help her find a place, twenty minutes later.

[norajane]

Dude, she's trying to get to you. Any way she can. So she doesn't lose her sugar daddy.

 

Don't be fooled.

[wilsonx]

You're doing good Antique. Really good, hang in there. All your feelings are true and own them. You spent a lot of time with her, you planned things with her, but she took advantage of you and made you feel just as bad. Keep doing the good fight.

 

I will be honest. Its going to hurt for a while, even after you finalize your living situation. I'm 6 months now out of my situation and she still finds ways to play games with me. I honestly still hurt from this. Keep a positive attitude, age means nothing man. You will find what you want if you don't give up and keep fighting the good fight. Trust me

[M2155]

I'm sorry man. Maybe you should consider moving and ensuring your name is off the lease when it expires. I think she's asking for your help looking for a place so you'll feel sorry for her or feel guilty she has to downgrade.

 

Just stay-wise that she's trying to manipulate you. Think of her phone conversation. Think of the misery because it would be a hundred times more often if you didn't break this off now. I can't wait for her to move:mad:. When you get weak remember those true colors.

[Antique]

Sh*t! I messed up. I woke up in the middle of the night with these awful nightmares about the breakup. I kept falling asleep and having dreams that we were back together. Then I would wake up in a panic and feel hopeless.

 

At 5am, I couldn't take it anymore. I went into Tracy's room while she was sleeping. In panic, I told her I missed her that I couldn't do this. She replied that she was already in the process of moving on with her life based on me telling her it was over. That she didn't think that things could be fixed at this point. That she couldn't imagine being without me, but that "I" had already gone too far for us to fix things since I didn't give in when she gave me the opportunity. She said if I wanted to talk about it, we could discuss things tonight.

 

It's obvious I have a problem. I know in my brain that this women is awful. But I can't stop wanting to be with her. It's like a drug addiction. I know in my head that she will only cause me problems in the long run and has already caused so much damage to me, our friends and families from the fallout, but I feel like being with her is the only thing that can make things alright and make me feel better. The thought of life without her causes me to panic and have nightmares to the point where it drives me to want to get her back. The person who cheated on me, lied to me and half of the time makes my life miserable. But the mere hope of being with her again, even though I know its wrong, gives me comfort?