Engagement in One Week... Having Second Thoughts?

[norajane]

You're in denial. Let go of your fantasy of what you imagined her to be, and how you imagined your future together.

[wilsonx]

Sh*t! I messed up. I woke up in the middle of the night with these awful nightmares about the breakup. I kept falling asleep and having dreams that we were back together. Then I would wake up in a panic and feel hopeless.

 

At 5am, I couldn't take it anymore. I went into Tracy's room while she was sleeping. In panic, I told her I missed her that I couldn't do this. She replied that she was already in the process of moving on with her life based on me telling her it was over. That she didn't think that things could be fixed at this point. That she couldn't imagine being without me, but that "I" had already gone too far for us to fix things since I didn't give in when she gave me the opportunity. She said if I wanted to talk about it, we could discuss things tonight.

 

It's obvious I have a problem. I know in my brain that this women is awful. But I can't stop wanting to be with her. It's like a drug addiction. I know in my head that she will only cause me problems in the long run and has already caused so much damage to me, our friends and families from the fallout, but I feel like being with her is the only thing that can make things alright and make me feel better. The thought of life without her causes me to panic and have nightmares to the point where it drives me to want to get her back. The person who cheated on me, lied to me and half of the time makes my life miserable. But the mere hope of being with her again, even though I know its wrong, gives me comfort?

 

 

This is going to happen for a long time, don't sweat it. The worst is the day right before you physically separate. Do not drink for a few weeks after this day. You will do stupid ****. Trust me, when you pull through this, you will be stronger then anything you have ever imagined.

[Coupedriver]

Your not the only one Antique who goes through this....If I wrote down even HALF of the sh*t I went through,most on here would have flipped out.I went a step farther too...Type my name in the SEARCH and read some of what I went through.Check out TRIGGERS post I posted.Read.."The Gates of Hell..."...I will give you a great piece of advice...WALK AWAY from her..YOU can't see how much better your life will be because you two live together...NONE of it makes sense in the beginning....NONE OF IT DOES..!!!!! WE all FREAKED in the beginning...IT HAPPENS..!!!!!!! You can't stop that part..BUT you can re-build your life...I won't lie..it takes the BIGGEST set of kohnas you will ever need...For the first 2 weeks after mine,before I found this site,I just cried and just shaked...nothing was real...I didn't want to believe ANY of it..Still so hard to believe 1 person can do this to your life..but that's life man.You have to deal with sh*t you don't want to....

[Antique]

I am a seriously weak man. I tried so hard to maintain NC while living together and I just couldn't do it. I caved. The lack of sleep, nightmares, etc. eventually got to me. Me just knowing that there is no chance she'll move out of the apartment until our lease is up and how I would have to deal with seeing her everyday for the next few months. I just couldn't take it. I tried to make plans to do things with friends, etc. I told myself over and over again in my head; why do you want to be with someone who does this to you? I tried being angry thinking about someone who would cheat on me while I was planning our engagement. I tried having hope that one day I would meet someone who would truly make me happy and I wouldn't have to deal with this.

 

But the loneliness and loss based on a feeling that only one person could make it better just got to me. I sat down and discussed things with her.

 

She went on and on about how she has always wanted to be with me and I was the one who ended things. She kept insisting that nothing happened; she never cheated or did anything wrong. She admitted that she was a selfish person. Her rationale; that is the way that I have always been. She kept saying, over and over again, how she thinks we can work things out, how issues come up and that couples have to deal with them, about how she can change some things, etc. and that things can work.

 

I'm not stupid. I know the truth. She cheated. And she's a user. She may claim that she's done nothing wrong and she may say that things will change and she will be different. But in the end; I know these are all stories. I've head them all before. She'll make an effort for a few weeks and then she'll revert to her old self again when everything returns to being comfortable.

 

This is an awful statement, but the sheer fact that I am not dealing with this loss in my life and she's still around has made me feel "ok" and not devastated/hopeless for the first time in 2 weeks. I'm able to function somewhat normally at work.

 

So I am now on essentially back "in it"; at least physically. She acts like everything is ok.Tells me she loves me. Still refuses to admit any wrongdoing and when I asked her how the unresolved issues can even start to be handled; her response is, I think everything will just be fine. People have much worse problems in 6 year relationships; you just don't hear about them because no one talks about it. I still think we should still get married. She said if I have any concerns she said she'll sign a prenup with an infidelity clause. Suggested that maybe we should go to couples counseling. Said, I know where she stands and has always stood on being with me.

 

I'm not going to lie. It feels good (although I know it is only temporary). It feels normal to not have this loss hanging over my head. And a small part of me is even happy to have someone who "loves" (not that I think she knows what that term truly means) and wants to be with me. But I know I can't marry her. I don't trust her. I don't like the person she's become. And, I don't think I'll ever fully get over what she's done to me.

 

I know what you're advice will be. Get out now. Break the lease at any cost. Don't waste anymore time and prolong things. In an ideal world, I could and would have done this right away. But again; I guess I'm just weak. Maybe this makes me as bad as her. But I'm seriously contemplating just moving on with my life while she's still around. If/when the lease is up or I find someone else I am interested in, I'll do to her what she did to me. Be selfish and only care about what I want.

[wilsonx]

Here's the funny part of this, I knew this was going to happen. I and others such as geegirl gave you all the information needed for you to deal with this.

 

You aren't the first person to post on this topic exactly like this and you aren't the last.

 

In the end you are no better then her. Water seeks its own level. She's a liar and a cheater and you are settling for that so that you do not have to deal with the pain which means you are lying and cheating on yourself. "I am going to settle with her because I'm too weak and can't deal with the pain"

 

I have even tried to rationale that out in my head. I guess I have more self respect and value of self worth then the rest of the people here that post this topic and then try to stick it out. That's my only goal when posting here is teaching people to have more self worth then this.

 

You are going to torture yourself for the next 6 months where in 6 months of life without her, you would be almost free emotionally. As Forest Gump said, stupid is as stupid does.

 

Welcome to co-dependency, good luck. If you want out, get therapy.

[M2155]

Antique, what is unfortunate is that you logically know what you're dealing with and understand why this relationship will not work. You clearly said you will not be happy and you're kidding yourself to think you will hang around until someone new comes along because you will be even more messed up by then. You sound like you've resorted to "riding it out" and we can't talk you out of it. But if you are in pain now, she'll be even harder to get over after 7, 10, 13 years of manipulation and lack of trust mixed in with those few comforting feelings. She's a drug.

[geegirl]

I had a strong feeling this would happen as well. The fact that you've been evading doing everything you can, and that is spending that "ring" money on breaking the lease and moving out to save yourself, was an indication that you would be crawling back to her. It was only a matter of time.

 

What's sad is that you are a weak man in her eyes. And while you are broken, she is laughing within knowing that she has you by the balls, again. She's probably saying, "How easy was that!"

 

You teach people how to treat you. And you've just given her a valuable lesson as to who and what you are.

 

There is nothing more unattractive than a man who cannot stand up for himself.

 

Sadly, you will have to learn the hard way.

 

Good luck to you.

[Quiet Storm]

You just aren't ready to let go yet.

 

You will need a few more rounds of her cheating, lying, and manipulating for you to realize that being alone is better than being with her.

 

It really is an addiction.

 

Heroin addicts know that using will send them back into the downward spiral, but the draw of the drug, the need for the fix, to be calm, content...to feel like all is right in the world... that screaming, junkie NEED is louder than your logical mind telling you "NO!!! Don't do this!!!"

 

She is your heroin, and you will need to relapse and recover a few times before your logical mind takes over and you finally say "No more, I am better than this!"

 

You will have a straw that breaks the camel's back moment where it will all just be too much. You will see that there is nothing that she can offer you, that is worth the pain and drama that she brings to your life.

 

You were in withdrawal. Making up with her calmed your anxiety for the moment. You got your fix. You were in emotional pain, and you are hoping that the person that hurt you, will also heal you.

 

You will come to see that this is a double edged sword. Whichever way you go, there will be pain.

 

If you stay with her, she will undoubtedly cause you more heartache. You will never trust her. You will always wonder if she is scheming against you. You have seen how selfish she can be. You will be angry and feel weak because you are losing respect for yourself. You will set yourself up for a lifetime of pain and drama.

 

If you break up with her, it will hurt. It will suck for awhile. You will be lonely and sad. But you will get over it. The only way to get over the pain, though, it to go through it.

 

By giving her more chances, by allowing yourself to have hope...you are just prolonging the inevitable and dragging out the process.

 

But you're not ready to let her go yet.

 

You'll get there.

Edited November 14, 2011 by Quiet Storm

[Antique]

Thank you for your feedback. I recognize the problem and understand that staying in the relationship with this person will only cause inevitable hurt and pain in the future. When it comes down to it I am aware that she is a selfish person who has only cared about her needs in the past and will obviously only care about her needs in the future. This is not an isolated incident; she has had a track record over the past 3-4 years of this exact behavior. I don't know where it went wrong, but I know that I cannot put myself in a situation where I am married to or have children with this person as it will only result in even more grief for me.

 

That being said; she is like a drug, I cannot let go of. This is compounded by the fact that she acts, and likely truly believes, that she has done no wrong. She is admittedly selfish and has told me unapologetically that she has and will always put herself first. She claims that this is just her nature and seems fine with it.

 

She also unapologetically truly believes, as a female, that she is entitled to be with someone who will pay her way. Based on our conversations; she believes that it is the man's responsibility to be the "bread winner" and provide for the woman he is dating. She questions what kind of man is "not man enough" to be able to provide for his significant other.

 

I don't think she feels any remorse for her actions and when it comes down to it is a "user". She has been getting away with it her whole life (i.e. at work, with her parents, with me, with her friends, etc.) with no ramifications.

 

I've done some reading on co-dependency and believe that I have a serious co-dependency problem. I have absolutely established a pattern of letting her act however she wants with no consequences. Or, at least only short term consequences. She obviously capitalizes on my significant fear of being alone at this age and other insecurities. I will admit that these fears are so strong that they have forced me to remain with someone who I KNOW does not treat me well and does not give me the respect I deserve. I have very few friends in the area and no family. While she on the other hand has both and, as I mentioned, has people eating out of her hands. This adds to me not wanting to be alone.

 

I am not sure what it says about me, but I will admit, I put up with a lot of these things solely because of her level of attractiveness and charm. Quite simply, I'm drawn to her because she is an extremely attractive woman. Every time I know I want out of being with her, she knows just what to do to lure me back in; tell me she loves me, tell me she only wants to be with me, tell me I'm the only person she could imagine spending her life with, etc. Claims that she has been with me for 5 years, if she didn't want to be with me why wouldn't she just go be with someone else? It is difficult to not believe this when you hear it coming out of her mouth so often. But then you think about the other 50% of the time when she has lied, cheated, acted selfish, etc.

 

While the best case scenario would be to kick her out of the house. Legally, I have explored this option and it is not feasible. I cannot make her leave the apartment; and I hate to say this but the last thing I want to do is pay HER rent for 6 months as well as my rent for a new place. I have saved some money, but I feel like using it to subsidize her is just another example of me giving in to letting her "use" me.

 

I admit that I do need serious help and I need an exit strategy. I know that it is not going to be easy because my every instinct wants to avoid the pain and loss of being alone. I've tried going to a therapist for anxiety issues in the past. I found it not at all to be helpful after a 2 month stint. In the end, I could talk and talk and talk and temporarily feel better, but when I left the office all the symptoms of anxiety would still be there. Nothing ever got better.

 

This is going to be very difficult, because as you know, I couldn't even bring myself to walk away after holding out NC for two weeks when I was confronted by two people that told me with 100% certainty they saw her kissing a guy in a bar. I again gave into my fear of being alone, her assertions that nothing happened and bought into her crying and repeated statements that I'm the only one she wants to be with.

 

Like right now; she just texted me that she loves me and can't wait to see me again...

[M2155]

YOU are your exit strategy. You know that you are making excuses and looking for reasons to not let go. She does not control you. You just don't want to believe you are strong enough to man up and do what you need to do! Yes it would mean being alone and hurt for a good while but consider it's better than a lifetime of control and manipulation...lifetime.

 

But you have to want it enough to act, and if you don't right now, I'm sure something will happen that you will have no choice soon enough. At least you know where things stand, and you can only blame yourself if you keep this going- not her because you know who she is and you can't change it.

(Also I think you should find a new thearapist and print this entire thread out for them. You will need someone to help you through the next 6 months)

[geegirl]

You speak about being alone as if it is a death sentence. I am 40. A woman. On my own. It's not the end of the world. "Alone at this stage?" You'd best be alone, and at some point content rather than being in a relationship that is going to keep you feeling empty and broken for a lifetime. Have you heard the saying, "It's better to be alone than to be with someone and still feel alone." That is what you're heading for.

 

She wants you because she wants someone to take care of her. That is all it it. As long as you take care of her, she will find her excitement outside of you. It's not the quantity of years invested but the quality of those years. 50% of it was cheating and lying. And that will be your future investment.

 

She is extremely attractive so you lose all sense of your value, pride and dignity? Just because she is beautiful, you let her emasculate you? You're as shallow as she is. You'd rather have a pretty face than a good soul. Again, you are as skewed as she is.

 

You'd rather let her manipulate you and suck you back into a black hole than pay her rent? Where is you logic and your priorities? If you don't pay her rent and for a new place, most likely you will be at some point paying for a ring. And even more costly investment that will ruin you.

 

Letting her "use" you just because you pay for her rent? You're already allowing her to USE you by going back to her!

 

As M2155 said, you are your exit strategy. Pain and loss of being alone will be temporary. The pain of being with her will be permanent. That is the difference. A temporary band aid, nothing more.

 

You teach people how to treat you. She kisses two guys at a bar and you take her back. That teaches her that she will and can do it again, with no repercussions of ever losing the security (material & financial) she has with you. And that is because she knows she has you in the palm of her hand.

 

I feel bad for you. There will come a time when you will be completely broken and stripped of your self worth. All because you were afraid to be alone. Being alone is not so bad. They're many people out there thriving, being on their own and leading happy lives. And while it may get lonely once in awhile, it's a tolerable feeling versus being manipulated, cheated on, and used which is far more crippling and damaging to you NOW and in the LONG RUN. You don't see people thriving and feeling healthy in those situations.

 

I hope you wake up soon. She just texted you she loves you and can't wait to see you. She also just kissed two guys at a bar. Words are easy. Look at her actions.

 

I hope you continue your therapy.

Edited November 15, 2011 by geegirl

[Mcnulty]

I'm not going to lie. It feels good (although I know it is only temporary).

 

This is mad! Why are you doing this to yourself??

 

A temporary band aid as Gee said...totally agree!!

 

Get your balls back and be strong man!

 

Your thoughts and actions are totally contradictory, please read Gees last post again and think!!!

[M2155]

I was thinking about something this morning and thought about you. When I was dumped, I was hurt and scared and couldn’t imagine I’d ever find someone that had everything he did (fingers crossed on that one). My situation wasn’t anywhere near as deep and twisted as your relationship, but it wasn’t all rosy either. There were many red-flags I ignored and too many times when I allowed myself to be taken advantage of or treated poorly. I was anxious, walking on eggshells at times, always trying to see what he was doing and putting him first. When he disappeared into the arms of his ex, I felt like an idiot. I felt embarrassed, used, not-good-enough, angry, sad, heartbroken, depressed…the list goes on. But now that I’ve been fortunate to come through that (and again, quicker for me because my situation was a little less serious), I feel free.

 

I almost forget there was a time I was doing pretty good before my ex…same for you. I am alone yes and I hope not to stay that way, but it dawned on me today how much less stressful my life is not having him on my mind all day, worrying and wondering how he feels, how he’ll react if I say/do this and that! I didn’t realize it until today that I am happier again just investing in solo-me than I was dealing with that. Yes there were good times I will always miss but I have a sense of relief.

 

It takes time and human-beings were not designed to stay alone, but out relationships drove us to the position of not loving ourselves first- so it’s destined to offer long-term unhappiness. I hope you are able to break free from this, hurt, and then heal. There really is life at the end of the tunnel. I was fortunate to have some people who’ve been down that road knocking some sense into me over and over- you just have to listen, invest in your emotional health and believe in your future. All the best.

[Antique]

Thanks for your feedback and support. It helps to know that I'm not the only one who has gone through something like this.

 

I know the truth and I know what needs to be done. It is obvious that we are not compatible and I think she has even realized it at this point. I am admittedly delaying the inevitable because I am afraid to deal with the immediate pain, loss and loneliness that will come. And dealing with putting myself back into a living situation with someone who I won't be speaking to but will have to see everyday come and go from the apt as she pleases, on dates with other men, etc. I know I shouldn't care and it shouldn't affect me, but I know it will.

 

I have looked for other places and have found options but nothing available until January 1st. So I am at least on the hook for living with her for another month and 1/2. I don't feel that it is fair that I am the one that has to move and incur paying two rents, moving costs, etc. when she pays only a very small portion of the rent right now, has NEVER paid 1 cent for utilities, phone, cable, etc. and has no furniture in the apartment. But she has made it painfully clear that she will not move and doesn't have to move simply because her name is on the joint lease. She will leverage anything she can use as just another way to twist the knife as if she hasn't already done enough.

 

To give you an example, I had a conversation with her today asking for this month's rent; 17 days after I had already paid the entire rent, utilities, cable, phone, etc. and she paid nothing. Her response: "You are an a**hole. I make significantly less than you and I am paying off debt. You have no debt and have the money. Why would you want me to pay for something I can't afford? Why can't you just give me a pass on paying rent." Then she went on to list other friends of hers whose boyfriends or husbands pay for everything. And now refuses to speak to me saying that I am not chivalrous or a true man.

 

Yes, that's right. This girl 100% HONESTLY believes in her core that she shouldn't be responsible for paying ANY rent or helping with the bills - simply because I have the money to pay them and she has spent hers and put herself in debt.

 

Let me rephrase that, this girl - who does not cook, does not clean, bought nothing for the house, paid ZERO of the security deposit, does nothing to support me, goes out of her way to make my life difficult, has lied and cheated on me with another guy in the bar and got caught but denies it, was the one who demanded that we live in this apartment because it was near her work and not convenient to mine, HONESTLY believes that I should pay for her rent simply because she is HERSELF and she is in debt! What kind of person HONESTLY believes this?!?

 

I need to man up and get this girl out of my life; deal with the pain and move on. I hope I can do it. It is my fault for letting it drag on as long as it did. I guess I was stupid and naive to think that she would change or grow up. As many of you have mentioned, I just hold on to the hope that one day the pain of the loss will be replaced by the relief that I don't have to deal with her cancerous actions ever again.

[Antique]

It's been some time and some major events have occurred so I thought I would give an update. Sorry for the length, I need to get some things off my chest.

 

I spent the last month keeping her around as a temporary band-aid. In the interim it made me feel good. It made me feel normal. I didn't have to deal with the pain of the loss. Of not having someone. And, I hate to admit it, but relying on a slim hope that maybe things would work out, or that I was over reacting or that she wasn't a terrible person. That maybe the last 5+ years we spent together would make her realize that she should care; even though I really knew it would not end well. As many of you have mentioned, this was a huge mistake. I was an idiot.

 

While there was some semblance of being cordial for the past month; I knew things would eventually come to a head. And they did. She was only interested in me when, I guess, she had no one else to do things with and the fact that she needed me to continue to finance our "joint" living arrangement. She acted "nice" to my face, but in the background I discovered there were other things going on.

 

The back story: a few weeks ago I went out with friends. I ran into an acquaintance of mine that happened to be her best friend's x-boyfriend. This guy has serious problems and has been known to lie a lot. He also is a mortal enemy of Tracy. He told me that he had heard Tracy had herpes and was taking Valtrex. Having dated her for 5+ years and living with her, I had never seen her take such medication or any signs of her having herpes. Plus, I had been sexually active with her for years and I never had or seen any symptoms. I got a little intoxicated that night and came home. When Tracy found out I hung out with this guy she picked a fight with me calling me a "loser" for talking to him and saying she didn't respect me and would never respect me. I may have been a little drunk and as a result fired back insulting her telling her that I heard she was taking Valtrex. She told me she didn't need to put up with my b*llsh*t and didn't want to be with someone like me, etc. The next morning I ended up apologizing profusely admitting that I may have listened to someone who was a notorious liar and make inappropriate accusations. She refused to admit that she said or did anything wrong, said that I am a "loser" for believing with or evening hanging out with people that lie like that and placed all the blame on me. I spent days apologizing, she told me there was nothing I could do to make up for it.

 

This weekend Tracy went out with her friends. At 2am she cam home drunk and I heard her yelling into her phone talking to one of her friends. She talked about how she went to a party with her co-workers and had been talking to a doctor. She told her friend "she couldn't wait to f*ck him". I came into the living room and she told me she was done with me, she didn't want to date a "loser" anymore and that I was "pathetic" and she was going to go f*ck some rich doctor who wants her. She passed out on the couch.

 

I was angry. I decided I couldn't continue in this charade anymore. No matter how hard I tried, this girl would be rotten to the core and do whatever she wanted. All the lies, cheating, disrespect, abuse, using me for money, insulting and putting me down and gaslighting for the past 5 years suddenly made me furious. On an instinct, and I admit that this was 100% wrong, unacceptable and an invasion of privacy even though we are living together, I went into her bathroom and looked in her vanity. Tucked away in the corner I found a prescription bottle that was filled 6 months ago. On the label - "Valtrex" with the directions "take 1 pill daily as ongoing treatment and 3 pills daily when attacks occur". I could not believe it. This person that I had been living with and sexually active with for years who told me she wanted to marry me, demanded an expensive engagement ring, etc. obviously contracted herpes and let me have sex with her knowing that she was infected.

 

I went downstairs and left the bottle on top of her while she was passed out. That was three days ago, I haven't spoken to her since. I left and stayed at my friends house for the rest of the weekend. I went back this morning and she was still in the house; living in her room. She looked at me in disgust and said nothing when I saw her.

 

Whoever said that something needed to happen to put things to a close was right.

 

I look at things and ask myself. How did I end up spending 5 years in what I realize is the worst most dysfunctional relationship I've ever heard of. I'm a kind, caring person and I look at things and think - this is worse than Jerry Springer.

 

What kind of person dates someone for 5+ years and tells them they want to marry them, moves into their home, makes them a part of their family, but then:

 

-Cheats on them with x's

-Has an affair with a married man; lies and gaslights about it - still refuses to admit it happened

-Cheats on them again with some guy at a bar; gets caught; lies about it and still refuses to admit it ever happened

-Contracts herpes and lets the person their dating with have sex with them KNOWING they have herpes!

-Blames everything on the other person and refuses to admit they ever did anything wrong - tells them that they are a "loser" and "pathetic"

 

Despite all of this, I am devastated. I've never felt more alone in my life. Have very little hope at this point and have been unable to sleep or eat for two days. I've done tons of reading about herpes. While extremely depressing, there is still a very good chance that I may not have contracted it from her. I need to go get tested.

 

I may have to start a thread in "Coping" as I'm having a hard time dealing with things. I went to see a therapist, but - to be honest - it just doesn't work for me. Talking to someone is great but in the end it is just talking. It is not fixing the sense of loss I feel, the vivid nightmares and walking up feeling "alone", the daily panic... My self esteem is zero.

 

She's still living at the house. But it is obvious that things are 100% over at this point. I am going to do everything I can to get her out.

 

I think about things and what makes me the most mad is that this horrible person is going to emerge from this whole situation just fine and I am going to suffer. She already has a rich doctor and likely many other men that are just waiting to wine and dine her, cater to her needs, etc. just because she is an extremely attractive female. And she obviously has no problems sleeping with men without telling them about her herpes. It probably won't be a matter of months before she convinces someone else to unsuspectingly let her move in and live off of them. She has already told me, "I can pretend to be the most agreeable person in the world when I first meet someone, I can convince any man that I'm great if I want...". And the truth is I fell for her looks and the lies... I am positive that someone else will too. This time she will have even more perfected her art. I know it shouldn't matter to me what happens to her, but it makes me so mad that I was used and lied to.

 

I guess at this point I just need some help and support. I need to move on with my life and just hold on to the hope that one day I will find someone who I can trust and won't treat me like this.

[M2155]

I'm so glad you updated, I was wondering how things were going.

 

Everything you are feeling is totally normal. People feel that kind of loss after 5 months so you have to expect you will be dealing with this for a fair abount of time, she gave you about 10 years worth of drama in half the time.

 

It does suck that the other person seems to walk away unscathed while we carry hurt, regret, loneliness, anger etc... I don't think her good fortune will last long. I'm happy for where you will be 5 years from now versus where you could have been.

 

Hoping for the best...

[norajane]

I know it shouldn't matter to me what happens to her, but it makes me so mad that I was used and lied to.

 

Then you should be 1000 times happy that she will soon be out of your life and no longer your problem! I know you can't see it that way now, but you will.

 

She will get hers in the end. She will never actually be happy because she doesn't know what love is - love is about giving, not taking. Pretending to be agreeable so she lures in a sugar daddy is just a cancer waiting to spread and destroy her. And it will destroy her, on the inside - it already has.

 

Look deeper next time. Pay close attention to how your love interest treats other people, especially service people like wait staff and those less fortunate. Pay attention to how much she does FOR other people - is she the kind of person who would help a friend move, would take a friend to the hospital, or would volunteer for any kind of charity. Don't get sucked in by a pretty exterior with a hollow interior.

 

This is just the dark before the dawn. Once the storm is past, you will feel so FREEEEE! and exhilarated that you aren't stuck with such a sucky person anymore.

[Antique]

Thanks for the support. It helps to know that others have gone through what I'm facing. Although I can't IMAGINE anyone dealing with the type of bs I have. I seriously think I may have dated the devil for 5 years. Or the most selfish uncaring using woman on the planet. It amazes me how someone can do these things to someone they spent 5 years with? She must have no conscience.

 

It's also terrible because I can't go immediate NC and it is going to be a battle to get her out of the house. She has already told me she would live in a sleeping bag on the floor of her room rather than move out. I am guessing this would be just to spite me. And trust me she is that type of person. I heard her talking to her friends about what I could do if she broke some of my things purposely. Saying he could never prove it... "Let him try to sue me for a thousand dollars it will be a waste of his time." This is the type of person I'm dealing with.

 

Unfortunately, with respect to the apartment, as I've mentioned the law is on her side - I've checked with multiple lawyers - I can't FORCE her to move out since she is on the lease. And I can't move out myself and stop paying rent. I found a perfect new place but it is not available until March 1st. Don't think I can make 2 months in the same apartment with her. And since everything in the apartment is mine, it would cost me an unrealistic amount of money to move everything out to a temporary place and then move again in March. Figures - she has nothing in the apartment and could leave very easily - but will refuse to move because she backhandedly got her name on a legal piece of paper and will milk it for all its worth.

 

I am going to have to figure something out. But right now, I'm trying to just remain sane and deal with the nightmares, lack of sleep, etc. Never imagined that one person would be able to inflict this much pain and suffering.

[sugarmomma]

I have read this entire thread with my mouth hanging open. Unfortunately OP you are no longr a victim in this situation, but a volunteer. Yes she lied, ****ed/kissed other guys in front of your friends, put you at risk of a horrible std, deceived you, used you, disrespected you, devalued you etc. But you have to take some responsibility for ALLOWING yourself to be handled in such a manner. You are not healthy enough to be in a relationship with anyone.

 

You have no self worth because if you did you would never allow someone to disrespect you in such a way. Regardless of what she has done to you, THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR PAIN REMAINS YOUR OWN. Once again, you are not a victim, you are a volunteer. You have to let go of the victim mentality. She has only treated you in ways that were indirectly acceptable to you.

 

You seem to continue making excuses for not leaving and sucking up paying the rent. I completely understand that NOT UNTIL THE PAIN OUTWEIGHS THE PLEASURE, will you take control and make some changes in your life.

 

You seem to have a high tolerance for emotional pain and most codependents do. You kinda remind me of my ex husband. I treated him horribly and have since become a totally different person (only because I got sick of myself) and sought help for my codependency and I also attend codependents anonymous meetings.

 

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

 

Best wishes.

Edited December 13, 2011 by sugarmomma

[wilsonx]

Its too early for him to understand or comprehend the victim/volunteer rationale.

 

Antique, you need to keep going to that therapist, you cant just go to 1-3 sessions and say this isnt working or its not for you. Its going to take you a LOT of sessions to get to where you need to go but keep going. Theres an underlying cause why you put up with this nonsense for 5 years. You need to find it. If you cant find it on your own a therapist will help you find it. If you decide to skip this route, guess whats going to happen again, this same pattern.

 

GOTO Therapy goto therapy goto therapy.

[maya arrow]

antique--

 

first of all, your ex sounds like a horrible person. i really can't imagine dating anyone like that, or even being their friend. you, on the other hand, sound like a responsible, mature, decent person who maybe has trouble being assertive, but has a very good heart. and you are/were in an abusive relationship. there is no other way to put it.

 

i was in one for almost 5 years as well with my ex--former ex, not my current bf who may be breaking up with me soon but is an amazingly wonderful person. my ex wasn't good looking, but he was a charmer and kind of a rock star and women really fell for him. as did i. he was insanely funny, and when things were good, he made me laugh more than anyone, which made me feel like we were happy. but he was a user, a liar, and a cheater and he lived off of me because i had a stable job and he could stay with me free of rent and write music all day. i put up with it, because the good times became my drug, and i wanted to feel that happy again so badly that i would do anything to make it happen. but even after a while, when the good times even stopped being so good, i couldn't leave because by that time my self-esteem had been crushed to a pulp. i tried to leave him, but like your ex, he would then try a dozen different tactics to keep me. anger, crying, rational apologizing, gifts, promising to become a better person--all of it. i would go back, because i, too, can be weak and have problems asserting myself. but after 5 years, i managed to break free and move away.

 

and you know what? that man who i once thought made me so happy and whom i was addicted to? he STILL writes to me and tries to get me back. but frankly, i'm just repulsed by him now. and i used to feel jealous of the girls who fawned over him. now i feel absolutely nothing! i just think--it's not going to take you long to know what he's like! and really, i don't care enough to wish them -- or him--ill. if he finds someone that makes him a better person, great!! because i am just SO HAPPY that dick is out of my life.

 

you are going to feel AMAZING to let go of this. it will hurt, and there will be more hurts (as i am going through now...with the real love of my life) but getting rid of toxic people is the best thing you can do for yourself. and i'm 35 as well--so you are not alone in being at this place in life and being single again.

[melenkurion]

Are you legally able to get in someone else as a lodger to lessen the financial hit somewhat, and (as a side bonus), to make it a little less "comfortable" for her? Even if you don't charge much (because of the difficult situation), you'll still get something. With the added plus that for once, she isn't getting everything her own way.

 

You have to get out of there. You can't wait until March. Being with her is hugely damaging to you, to your self-esteem. You're listening to her saying all that "loser" stuff, and on some level it's hitting home. Don't listen, get out. You're not a loser. You're already a winner for getting out of a relationship with that toxic vampire.

[geegirl]

Antique, what's baffling is that you were willing to invest 32K on a ring for her but you won't invest in getting yourself out of there. I can't fathom having no qualms about spending such an exorbitant amount of money on her but having so many excuses about allocating that money to your mental and emotional health. Even if you have to pay for two places since you can't kick her out, till March, I hardly believe it will cost you what you planned on spending for that ring.

 

You don't stand a chance till March. Everytime she tears you down, she slowly chips at your self esteem. It's come to the point where she's not to be blamed anymore. She is doing what she does best. You can either stop it or enable it. And you choose to enable it.

Edited December 13, 2011 by geegirl

[Antique]

I think you all hit the nail on the head. I have definitely become a co-dependent. I picked up this book Co-Dependent No More and as I am reading it my circumstances matched every factor. Strange thing was - when I brought up co-dependency to the therapist I was seeing he seemed to dismiss it. Instead, he simply said I see some of the concerns you have with your relationship and how they could be viewed as hard or not ideal. I was thinking, damm, "not ideal" are you listening to what I'm dealing with? She had an affair with a married man, cheated on me with a guy at a bar, has herpes - and tells me I'm at fault and she's done nothing wrong?

 

I have no doubt that the co-dependency I developed led me to stay in a horrible relationship for 5 years; where 99% of people would have kicked her to the curb. I also think she knew this and played into it perfectly. It was the perfect storm: someone with shattered self esteem who is dependent and looking to please and someone who is a user and manipulator.

 

You're also right that I'm still looking at this like I am a victim. I know I'm not a victim. I am definitely responsible for letting this happen. In a sense, I do have a "loser" mentality. My self esteem is zero right now. I want to get out there and do things, meet new people, start a business, etc. But, as many of you have pointed out, I can read all this advice over and over again - but still not do it. It's like trying to beat a dead horse. I'm honestly trying, and know exactly what I need to. But, trust me, it's a struggle just to fight the physical symptoms from the loss (e.g. nightmares, lack of sleep, not eating). I'm kind of just hoping the symptoms just go away and I can find some motivation and not be so depressed/tired all the time.

 

With respect to the financial, living, therapist situation. Unfortunately, it's not good. I'm in a fight with the jeweler I put a deposit down to pay for the ring. I took a huge hit on the custom setting which is not refundable and it doesn't look like I can sell it for 1/3 what I paid. Add in $350 a week for the therapist (which is one of the main reasons why I stopped, no insurance that covers it = $18k a year). I could probably move out and pay two rents for 3 months and moving expenses, but it would clean out everything I've saved. In NYC I would be spending over 7k a month for 3 months on the two places. I know you can't put a price on your mental health, but I don't know where my mental health will be when I'm broke because of this. She knows this too and it is the exact reason why she will stay. She knows her refusing to move will hurt me tremendously financially, where her moving would not hurt her at all because I would pay the entire rent.

 

Thanks for your feedback; I seriously need encouragement and stories to get through this. What I really need is an intervention. Someone to come up here and make me kick her a** to the curb and move on with my life.

 

As of now, it's Day 2 of NC but still living together and not speaking.

 

Ironically, I literally just got a txt message from her, telling me she "heard" I visited my x in December last year, calling me a liar and accusing ME of cheating on HER. Funny thing is: I did get in touch with my x last year in December via email; after Tracy broke up with me. This was the exact same time she was likely having an affair with a married man. I talked to my x about meeting up with her, but it never happened and I'm positive I never told anyone and I haven't had any contact with my x since. So, it looks like she has broken into my email account? I can't think of any other way she would know this from a year ago. Unless, she called the airline and was somehow able to get them to give her information on a a flight I reserved but never used. Yes, this is the level of what I am dealing with.

[M2155]

Can you not stay with a friend for a couple months? Rent a room somewhere? Yes it sucks and your furnishings and stuff will be at risk of being destroyed if she's that crazy but maybe it's an option? Or rent a PODS (do they have those in NY) for a couple months while you stay with a friend? I don't know, just seems like there should be a way....