setting boundaries

[antz2411]

I almost always use the speak without speaking method, however today I did not. We've been exclusive for 5 months but had a break for one month.

 

3-4 days ago she asked me, "Hey, this guy asked for my number what should I say?"

 

I asked her, "Would you like it if I gave my number to women that asked me?"

She responded with no.

So I said, "Okay then, there's your answer."

 

she told me that she gave her number to a guy the day before she asked me. However, she said she had no interest in going out with him and she told me she wasn't thinking at the time (I know, I know)

 

She told me she felt like ***** b/c after she asked me, she felt horrible.

 

This is how I set my boundary:

 

I told her, "I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I personally don't find that acceptable in a relationship. There is no right or wrong. If you want to give out numbers to guys then let me know right now so I can give you the cut off. You didn't know beforehand because i never said anything so it's cool, but the next time you do it then don't expect me to stick around."

 

My voice was stern and non-accusatory.

 

I strongly felt in my gut that I had to verbalize this in a calm manner. Afterwards I said don't worry about it and lets get some sleep.

 

She then called me while she was at work next day and asked, "If I'm not what you're looking for, then let me know now too."

 

I hate to analyze, but was this a red flag? Would a girl ever even think of putting herself in a position of being let go?

 

I told her "you know my boundary, if you want to cross it that's cool. I'm gone. Do as you wish, you're a grown woman. bye."

 

A few minutes later she texts, "I'm so sorry, I truly care about you and I know that you don't like it so I won't do it anymore. blah blah..."

 

I simply responded with one word. "ok". did not call her for a couple of days.

 

if your girlfriend messes up for future reference, you should never be so quick to forgive and forget right.. You have to let her simmer and marinade in guilt and fear of no longer being there, or else she won't clearly get the message.

 

Its important to understand the importance of speak without speaking but only to a certain extent, sometimes its more effective to set your boundaries verbally.

 

if you go NC with an ex with an agenda of reconciliation it will only set you back; it will set you back because NC will only work if you've accepted that your relationship is broken, its called a break up for a reason. it will also set you back because how will you know how your ex is feeling.. you can only take a step forward to reconcile if you know how she feels and not leaving it to chance. this is why LC without acting needy is the best way to get your loved one back. NC delays what you are trying to accomplish, unless its completely moving on.

 

now am i worried about the other guy or any guys? nope, because im prepared to walk out if the same mistake is made again.

 

lessons -

Have standards and stick to them

Realize when a relationship is worth salvaging or not

No emotional outbursts, don't give them the satisfaction

Do not be ruled by attachment. Sometimes you have to let go of someone you love for mutual benefit

Make a clean break if you have to. Going back and forth just prolongs the heartache

 

im still learning and im glad to keep learning everyday.

Edited October 28, 2011 by antz2411

[wilsonx]

Your boundary was a bit manipulative.

 

When you set boundaries, you do not tell them the consequence of the action. Especially on the first time.

 

Something like this would probably have been more appropriate.

 

"I feel uncomfortable when you are giving your number to other guys that ask for it"

 

This is you owning up to your boundary and your feelings and expressing them in a non threatening demeanor.

 

This is all you have to say.

 

"I feel uncomfortable when you are giving your number to other guys that ask for it" repeat it if she does not understand it.

 

If she still argues with you or continues to do something that crashes your boundary, then you enforce the consequence of the boundary. If its ending the relationship then do so and walk away.

 

if your girlfriend messes up for future reference, you should never be so quick to forgive and forget right.. You have to let her simmer and marinade in guilt and fear of no longer being there, or else she won't clearly get the message.

This is absolutely wrong, this is emotional manipulation. Its called forgive and forget, she did not know because you never expressed how you felt about it before.

 

You have a lot of work to do on your communication skills with other people

Edited October 28, 2011 by wilsonx