How to deal with an emotionally unavailable spouse?

[giotto]

I've been trying for many years and I've reached the end of the road. My wife was fine at the beginning, although showed many signs of it. But we were young and in love and she was very giving, albeit quite reserved. It's got gradually worse, together with her issues... has anybody been in this situation? I fear it might be too late, especially because she refuses to go to therapy. But maybe there are other ways of getting someone out of their shell which don't involve a therapist? Funnily enough, I only got to recognize this trait in the last few years, when things got to the point where we couldn't even have a conversation about her emotional state. I'm a pretty emotional guy and - with all the other issues we've had - I feel like I've been emotionally castrated. Any input very welcome.

[analystfromhell]

Did she decide that the counseling she was in didn't work or does she just not care about the outcome? How do your kids (at least the older ones) feel?

[giotto]

Did she decide that the counseling she was in didn't work or does she just not care about the outcome? How do your kids (at least the older ones) feel?

 

She wasn't in counselling... we did have some marriage counselling when the situation got to a breaking point, but we abandoned it because she felt it was leading nowhere. She needs individual counselling for her issues. She promised, but she never went. She's developed a defensive mechanism and she is scared to confront her problems. I know that she will never go. Hence, my question. Is there any another way? My kids don't know about it and she is quite normal with them. I wonder why she can be normal (affectionate) with them and not with me anymore. I think our troubled past might have ruined it for her...

[carhill]

How to deal with an emotionally unavailable spouse?

IMO, the same way as a sexually unavailable spouse. Re-write the marital contract or divorce.

 

We divorced. My exW didn't like that I was getting my 'needs' met elsewhere. Fair enough. Freedom from that one-way prison is wonderful.

 

This process and similar past experiences have caused me to red-flag any woman who has abuse or molestation in her past, when exhibiting symptoms of emotional disconnection. No prejudice but I just don't have the stomach for it anymore.

[giotto]

IMO, the same way as a sexually unavailable spouse. Re-write the marital contract or divorce.

 

We divorced. My exW didn't like that I was getting my 'needs' met elsewhere. Fair enough. Freedom from that one-way prison is wonderful.

 

This process and similar past experiences have caused me to red-flag any woman who has abuse or molestation in her past, when exhibiting symptoms of emotional disconnection. No prejudice but I just don't have the stomach for it anymore.

 

yes, carhill, but I have decided to stay for a few more years because of the kids. I think she knows that I might not be around in the future, but since I'm here, I would like to resolve this issue, if possible. I also would like to help her, because I still care about her, despite the emotional desert...

[carhill]

Another factor is one's tolerance for such emotional unavailability. Each of us is different. I know enough men who would be fine with a companion who's there consistently and didn't nag them but was otherwise disconnected to know that my perspective is perhaps trending to the militant, since I'd rather be alone than live like that and dump my love and care down such a hole. They see things differently and it works for them.

 

The risk, and perhaps it's a minor one, with staying in such a situation with children is that they are role modeled to see the dynamic as healthy. The M isn't tumultuous or abusive, so there are no obvious negative markers, rather it's just kind of cold, so emotional memories of that are formed and remain with the child, modified by the child's unique genetic psychology. Is it always a problem or indicator of their future? No, but it is a risk.

 

Tough choice. If in such a situation, I'd certainly approach my spouse first for counseling, then re-write the contract in counseling if they don't progress.

 

I recall, just about the time we finally split up, my exW began to not ignore me when I spoke to her. She would actually acknowledge my existence. She didn't do this purposely, but was so entrenched in her private 'space' that it was like I wasn't there. I dealt with that the entirety of our M. My part was too much 'give the benefit of the doubt' and that's what I worked on.

 

Anyway, at least I can discuss this stuff and it doesn't bring up anger and hurt anymore. That part is over. Hope it works out.

[giotto]

Another factor is one's tolerance for such emotional unavailability. Each of us is different. I know enough men who would be fine with a companion who's there consistently and didn't nag them but was otherwise disconnected to know that my perspective is perhaps trending to the militant, since I'd rather be alone than live like that and dump my love and care down such a hole. They see things differently and it works for them.

 

yep, it's like they are entirely different animals...

 

The risk, and perhaps it's a minor one, with staying in such a situation with children is that they are role modeled to see the dynamic as healthy. The M isn't tumultuous or abusive, so there are no obvious negative markers, rather it's just kind of cold, so emotional memories of that are formed and remain with the child, modified by the child's unique genetic psychology. Is it always a problem or indicator of their future? No, but it is a risk.

 

I'm pretty much aware of this... I think the damage is partially done. I don't believe we can avoid it. I've though about this long and hard and I came to the conclusion that it's better to have a father around than not having one. Then they would get the impression that all marriages are destined to fail... But I don't really know.

 

I recall, just about the time we finally split up, my exW began to not ignore me when I spoke to her. She would actually acknowledge my existence. She didn't do this purposely, but was so entrenched in her private 'space' that it was like I wasn't there. I dealt with that the entirety of our M.

 

OMG! Are sure sure you weren't married to my wife in your previous life? It's so frustrating... and now my daughters do that too...

[carhill]

In my exW's case, we worked out in counseling that, due to her abusive childhood and due to being in a large family in a generally small space, she would 'escape' to a private place in her head. Over time, when she wasn't actively engaging, like at work or proactively at home, she would default to this space. When we were talking or interacting, she was fine. However, if I didn't have her attention, it was often difficult to get it. A loud voice calling her name usually did it, or getting into her space or direct line of sight. A normal, 'hey hon, I found this XXX thing you were looking for' was met with dead air. She just wasn't aware of my presence, like I wasn't there. This is likely also why she rarely gave me spontaneous hugs or signs of affection. It wasn't purposeful, IMO, but rather I wasn't registering in her space. That's the gist of what we got with the psychologist.

 

Perhaps she and her BF are better matched up in that regard, or maybe after three husbands she finally worked it out, IDK.

 

Another aspect is the differences in family dynamics. As an only child, my family was very connected. There was no abuse and we responded to each other seamlessly. That's how I was modeled. It never occurs to me not to respond to sensory stimulus, like a loved one talking to me or getting my attention. I just can't ignore it and don't know how. Obviously, very different.

 

Anyway, if nothing else, counseling helped me understand the differences better and accept them as what they are, differences, in our case irreconcilable. Too much bend was required. That's my data point.

[giotto]

In my exW's case, we worked out in counseling that, due to her abusive childhood and due to being in a large family in a generally small space, she would 'escape' to a private place in her head. Over time, when she wasn't actively engaging, like at work or proactively at home, she would default to this space. When we were talking or interacting, she was fine. However, if I didn't have her attention, it was often difficult to get it. A loud voice calling her name usually did it, or getting into her space or direct line of sight. A normal, 'hey hon, I found this XXX thing you were looking for' was met with dead air. She just wasn't aware of my presence, like I wasn't there. This is likely also why she rarely gave me spontaneous hugs or signs of affection. It wasn't purposeful, IMO, but rather I wasn't registering in her space. That's the gist of what we got with the psychologist.

 

This is uncannily similar... my wife was never abused physically, but she suffered major psychological consequences because of the behaviour of her parents towards each other. Yes, she just escapes to that space or she concentrates on other things so she doesn't have to deal with all that stuff that happened to her. It's a form of OCD and she deals with it like that. I barely exists, sometimes. But she refuses to see a therapist. She said once that she would because it wasn't fair on me... she never went. What conclusions should I draw from that?

[carhill]

She said once that she would because it wasn't fair on me... she never went. What conclusions should I draw from that?

 

Admitting one has, even inadvertently and without intentional malice, hurt a loved one over time is a hard thing to do for some people. I know; it took me a good eight months of counseling to really say how hurtful my EA was and how inappropriate it was and say that openly and without resentment. Imagine how hard it is for someone with a lifetime of ingrained behaviors and psychology to admit something substantially equivalent has been damaging their marital relations. Owning that. It's hard.

 

When we had the 'talk', calmly, I stated my needs based on our work in counseling. She stated, calmly, 'I can't give you that'. Answer accepted, divorce process started immediately. EA ended. Freedom. Peace. Poor but happy.

[giotto]

Admitting one has, even inadvertently and without intentional malice, hurt a loved one over time is a hard thing to do for some people. I know; it took me a good eight months of counseling to really say how hurtful my EA was and how inappropriate it was and say that openly and without resentment. Imagine how hard it is for someone with a lifetime of ingrained behaviors and psychology to admit something substantially equivalent has been damaging their marital relations. Owning that. It's hard.

 

When we had the 'talk', calmly, I stated my needs based on our work in counseling. She stated, calmly, 'I can't give you that'. Answer accepted, divorce process started immediately. EA ended. Freedom. Peace. Poor but happy.

 

well, I think my wife's behaviour is a mix of defensive mechanism and selfishness... but I hate give ultimatums, like "if you don't go to therapy, I'm out". Maybe I'll have to do that when our youngest flees the nest...

[carhill]

I agree with you. Ultimatums are really not a healthy path. Decisions are, IMO.

 

Example (not advice): 'Since you apparently refuse to join me in counseling, I cannot proceed in this marriage any further; I'm filing for divorce tomorrow"

 

This is not an ultimatum, rather communication of a decision. Of course, implementing that decision is the next step.

 

Like our psychologist said at our last session..... 'you have a decision to make'

 

Apparently, from reading, you've made yours. You will continue the marriage as it is until the youngest flees the nest, then re-evaluate. That's valid. Once the decision is made, EOS. Go with it. I'd personally make it my life's work for that time to be the most productive and enjoyable time I could. Make a lot of positive memories. What happens, happens.

[MissBee]

I've been trying for many years and I've reached the end of the road. My wife was fine at the beginning, although showed many signs of it. But we were young and in love and she was very giving, albeit quite reserved. It's got gradually worse, together with her issues... has anybody been in this situation? I fear it might be too late, especially because she refuses to go to therapy. But maybe there are other ways of getting someone out of their shell which don't involve a therapist? Funnily enough, I only got to recognize this trait in the last few years, when things got to the point where we couldn't even have a conversation about her emotional state. I'm a pretty emotional guy and - with all the other issues we've had - I feel like I've been emotionally castrated. Any input very welcome.

 

I feel for you.

 

That is one of the WORST feelings ever and while I believe having affairs are about that individual's choice, I do understand how when someone feels so alienated they would go that route. It's still not right but I understand that push...especially if one has been trying and the other person is an immovable rock.

 

It got like that with my ex and I...and it had to end. There was no two-ways about it. I tried to coax him but it just made him withdraw even more or get upset. I then realized that you can only do so much for another....I can never be with someone like that again as that type of behavior crussssshes me It feels like you're drowning and this other person is sitting on the dock watching you flail around and is simply staring...unconcerned about doing anything. I'd try to be frank yet calm about my feelings of emotional castration and admit to not knowing how things will work out if we don't work on it. Maybe you can suggest writing letters to each other? Some people are more comfortable journaling and writing down their feelings...maybe you guys can do that and exchange journals weekly and it will help to open up the floor for conversation?

[giotto]

This has been going on for years and thousands of posts.

 

Your focus on your wife, after all this time, is completely off-base.

 

What you need to figure out is why you are incentivized to be partnered with someone like your wife--aside from the kids. You say you'll stay together for the kids, as most people would, but you still must be getting something out of the relationship besides that, because plenty of people who aren't getting anything will divorce even if they have kids.

 

Looking externally for the source and solution of your problems in this kind of situation is not going to work.

 

You are attributing your problems to your wife/wife's emotional make-up/wife's behavior.

 

At this point however you can't do that anymore.

 

Accept the fact that you voluntarily partnered with someone who is abusive to you, and voluntarily choose to remain as the abused person in such a relationship.

 

You don't need marital counseling to figure out why this is, but you probably need individual counseling.

 

If you said you were hitting yourself in the head with a hammer over a period of years, no one would look to the hammer for a solution for your headache pain.

 

If you feel emotionally castrated, the person holding the scissors is yourself.

 

well, you are completely right, obviously. What do I get out of the relationship? Not much... but the feeling of being a family and the sense of security for my children (apart from the obvious love for them) are probably the most contributing factors for me. I get a lot out of that and I want to be here until they flee the nest.

 

I suppose I must enjoy being mistreated and abused - but you have to consider that she is ill and she is protecting herself. I want to help and find a solution. If it's not possible, I will go in a few years, because my role as a father will have expired.

[findingnemo]

Hi Giotto,

 

My opinion in matters regarding sex is very radical. I believe that it is one of the most important factors in a R. I'm a woman and I'd not be able to tolerate a sexless M. It's, IMO, the definition of living a lie.

 

I have looked at your very first thread and understood the problem to some extent. I apologize that I can't read more at the moment. But it is cases like these which make me believe that Africa has something it can teach the rest of the world.

 

1. Sex in a M is a given. And it should be good too.

2. If a partner can't "perform", effective remedies must be sought immediately, whatever they may be.

 

Here we accept that a sick spouse who can't provide sex must accept that the spouse will get it elsewhere. DISCREETLY. Ms are forever here and D is rarely encouraged except for violence, alcoholism, etc. Since you want to wait for your kids to grow up (I think that's a very good thing), tell your W that you will find sex elsewhere. I don't know where you're from but if it is the US or Europe, the answer will be a resounding NO. Asia or Africa, she'd have to agree.

 

In your case, you may need to get a separation of sorts. The kind where you live together, share the bills, share the care of the kids, but are essentially separated and free go see other people. Talk to a lawyer about this and see if it can be worked out as a legal separation. A legal agreement in which all your duties and hers are outlined including your freedom to roam, so to speak.

 

This situation is unfortunate for both of you. Your W has some serious issues and shouldn't be forced to confront things she'd rather leave buried so that you can have sex. When you look at the amount of work she has to do and the emotional pain she'd have to endure, it really makes no sense. You, OTH, can't be expected to be celibate by force. I know it's radical but either she agrees to an open M or she signs the agreement. Even if she begins treatment now, it'll take a very long time for her to be where a healthy person would be, if ever.

 

Yours requires some out-of-the-box thinking.

[findingnemo]

You're from the UK. There may be a remedy for it under the Marriage Act in Commonwealth Law. Don't just suffer. Go see what your legal options are.