Wife says she can't "force" herself to have sex

[jd08]

Is there any hope when your wife makes comments such as this? We've been married 4.5 years and have a 2 year old daughter. Haven't had sex in at least 3 months. I asked her if she can give me any hope or optimism that things would improve she says she can't. Im just hurt and a little depressed right now.

[giotto]

I've re-read some of your previous threads and I'm sorry things haven't got any better for you. The Facebook episode was quite suspicious... have you noticed anything else?

 

I must say that ADs kill the libido, but, if she really loved you, she would have some form of sex with you. My wife is on ADs too and she has zero libido. We still manage to have sex twice a month, but that could be because I threatened divorce in the past and with 4 kids and shift work she would find herself in a pretty dire situation... But I have noticed that she changed her attitude towards it and she is making an effort.

 

Obviously, there is something serious troubling her... it could just be her anxiety + looking after the child, but I reckon there are more deep-rooted reasons... sorry I can't be of more help.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

How old are you? How was sex in the past? Was it good? Were you two experienced prior to getting together? Has this been an issue for a while? How are the pressures at home?

 

There needs to be more disclosure before reasonable advise can be given.

 

From what you have posted I can't say too much outside it sounds familiar and is a classic female response (sometimes male too) and one frankly you can't argue.

[carhill]

Here's an opinion I penned in another thread which I think is relevant. My sympathies.

[xxoo]

It is true that she can not will herself to get aroused and enjoy sex.

 

But she can force herself to do things that will bring you closer, and improve the chances of her enjoying sex.

 

Is she making time for you? Sitting close? Reaching out for your hand?

 

Or are you two pulling further and further apart?

[jd08]

I feel like we are drifting and that all of her time is spent with our child. When the child goes to bed at night she has told me on numerous occasions that she just wants time to herself. Translation - she gets on the computer, watches tv, reads or anything else that qualifies as "alone time" for 2 to 3 hours each night. When our child takes a nap during the day she takes a nap as well. This is consistently almost without fail. If she doesn't take a nap then she goes out to a store and leaves me at home with the kid.

 

Now I don't begrudge her for wanting to be a good mother and I know that raising a child is exhausting and takes up a lot of time (she is a stay at home) but the effort to work on the marriage is lacking and I don't feel as though she is intersted in doing what needs to be done to improve the situation.

 

It is true that she can not will herself to get aroused and enjoy sex.

 

But she can force herself to do things that will bring you closer, and improve the chances of her enjoying sex.

 

Is she making time for you? Sitting close? Reaching out for your hand?

 

Or are you two pulling further and further apart?

[jd08]

Thanks for the response. Have not noticed anything else suspicious and don't believe anything ever came of that. She did give me her FB password but I have no reason to suspect anything happened beyond a message or two if that. Of course I dont know because she deleted the messages and I never got to see them for myself.

 

I do highly doubt that she would be carrying on anything extramarital. She doesn't have any close male friends or any other males that she talks to on any kind of regular basis. She is a stay at home mom and devotes all of her time to our child. Again, as I said above, nothing wrong with that at all but there has to be some work on the marriage too.

 

 

I've re-read some of your previous threads and I'm sorry things haven't got any better for you. The Facebook episode was quite suspicious... have you noticed anything else?

 

I must say that ADs kill the libido, but, if she really loved you, she would have some form of sex with you. My wife is on ADs too and she has zero libido. We still manage to have sex twice a month, but that could be because I threatened divorce in the past and with 4 kids and shift work she would find herself in a pretty dire situation... But I have noticed that she changed her attitude towards it and she is making an effort.

 

Obviously, there is something serious troubling her... it could just be her anxiety + looking after the child, but I reckon there are more deep-rooted reasons... sorry I can't be of more help.

[xxoo]

One tip, based on a miscommunication between my husband and me when our first was young....

 

After I'd get the baby to bed, my H would be immediately on me, wanting to cuddle, talk, have sex. I was feeling "touched out", and would feel overwhelmed by his need in the moment. I squirmed away a couple times, probably said something like "OMG, can I just get a few minutes to myself!" a couple times. He was hurt

 

If I came to him an hour later to spend some time together, he might give me the cold shoulder because he felt I rejected him earlier. Vicious cycle.

 

What helped was first realizing, and then communicating, that I really just needed 20-40 minutes to myself after getting the baby to bed, and then I was readier to attend to him. I just needed a break between "mommy" and "wife".

 

Maybe 20 minutes after she gets on the computer---bring her a snack and a glass of wine, and an invitation to join you on the couch for a movie you rented. Give her a bit of time to herself, and then approach her.

[MissBee]

Is there any hope when your wife makes comments such as this? We've been married 4.5 years and have a 2 year old daughter. Haven't had sex in at least 3 months. I asked her if she can give me any hope or optimism that things would improve she says she can't. Im just hurt and a little depressed right now.

 

How do you initiate sex?

 

Do you take her out on a date? Do you do something romantic? Do you help her with the baby earlier in the day/evening so she has some time for herself?

 

I'm not a mom, but I can imagine as a mom with a toddler, you're busy and it can be draining and you may not be feeling at your sexiest. For me, and many women, I imagine that to get into that frame of mind, romance goes a loooooong way! If I came home and my husband has a romantic dinner made, sent the baby to his mom's house, bought me some flowers, has some candles and wine set out and gives me a a massage.....he better believe he is getting some!

 

He doesn't have to do this every single time...but little gestures like these show me he cares about ME in total and not just wants sex alone, despite my feelings. It will make me more inclined to want to be intimate. Most women want to feel loved and cherished and then sexy and beautiful and then they'll want to have sex with you....if you approach it as if it is just about the sex or you ignore other issues -as maybe she feels you don't help with the baby, maybe she feels you don't talk to her, who knows- but it's possible that holding out on sex is not just about the sex...for most women it really isn't. Usually they are upset with you for something else or there is something else going on with them, so a man being caring, considerate, attentive and romantic without just seeming like a selfish horndog helps a lot for tings to flow in that area!

 

If you aren't doing stuff like I describe...maybe you should try it for a month. Act like you are courting her again. Talk to her about her day, send her sweet text messages, help with the baby, arrange a night for the baby to stay with a relative, buy her a pretty dress, some flowers, chocolate for no reason, take her out to dinner, a movie, cook her dinner....try it and see if things change.

[StoneCold]

Is there any hope when your wife makes comments such as this? We've been married 4.5 years and have a 2 year old daughter. Haven't had sex in at least 3 months. I asked her if she can give me any hope or optimism that things would improve she says she can't. Im just hurt and a little depressed right now.

 

Well...anything could happen

 

But I'll tell ya its not looking good because when she says the bolded above.....sounds like shes not interested in putting in an effort to work on things. You said after she puts the baby to bed she has 2-3 hours on the computer and the TV? I'm not saying she shouldnt have time to herself..its important.... but if she isnt willing to allocate even 20- 30 mins of that time to you...even just to talk and work on repairing things so that your sexlife can come back....its not looking good at all. She just doesnt seem to care and possibly never will until she realizes that her actions (or lack there of) may actually come at a price that shes not prepared to pay.... see shes continuing this because there is no cost to her....like giotto who only saw some effort after he threatened divorce and his wife realized that she'll be a single mom of 4...that wasnt a price she wanted to pay so she changed.

 

Thing is .....do you really want things to change because you had to threaten them?

 

 

If nothing is done about this pronto your marriage may pass the point of no return because the resent will have a chance to set in and spread

[soserious1]

All this talk of pampering and spoiling the stay at home spouse in desperate hope that they might hold their noses for 10 minutes and allow you to give them an orgasm.

 

Funny, there's no such pampering for the bread winning spouse, the message is get out there, make the fscking money and pay our bills and when you get home you'd best step lively & get busy cleaning,cooking & kissing my arse!

 

LOL, the only pampering I ever got from my sexually refusing stay at home ex husband is that he would considerately gather the bills from the mail & leave them next to my dinner plate...he'd pout if I didn't immediately thank him for being so helpful!

 

OP, I'd suggest telling your wife that you've been thinking too, that since it was clear that she finds staying at home so stressful that she needs to go out and get herself a job, she can have her "me" time during her commute & lunch break each day the same as you've been getting.

Edited October 28, 2011 by soserious1

[Toodamnpragmatic]

All this talk of pampering and spoiling the stay at home spouse in desperate hope that they might hold their noses for 10 minutes and allow you to give them an orgasm.

 

Funny, there's no such pampering for the bread winning spouse, the message is get out there, make the fscking money and pay our bills! LOL, the only pampering I ever got from my sexually refusing stay at home ex husband is that he would considerately gather the bills from the mail & leave them next to my dinner plate...he'd pout if I didn't immediately thank him for being so helpful!

 

OP, I'd suggest telling your wife that you've been thinking too, that you also need "time for yourself" and that in order to get that you will no longer be able to shoulder 100% of your shared bills, she'll need to get a job.

 

I knew I had to read the no-nonsense cruel biting retort.

 

Again Soserious1 I need to ask (or need a reminder)..... Why did you stick it out so long? And how did this wonderful Ex of yours end up with a young female after you left and paid ALIMONY????:laugh:

[soserious1]

I knew I had to read the no-nonsense cruel biting retort.

 

Again Soserious1 I need to ask (or need a reminder)..... Why did you stick it out so long? And how did this wonderful Ex of yours end up with a young female after you left and paid ALIMONY????:laugh:

 

At first I thought the problem might be with me, that if I dieted enough, exercised enough, had plastic surgery that he might want me. I stuck it out because it was my 2nd marriage, I didn't want to appear to be a shiftless loser who threw in the towel at the 1st sign of trouble.

 

As to my ex's new partner, he acquired her during our marriage on one of his sex seeking Craig's list surfing sessions, the sessions he had while I was out there breaking my arse working to pay our bills.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

At first I thought the problem might be with me, that if I dieted enough, exercised enough, had plastic surgery that he might want me. I stuck it out because it was my 2nd marriage, I didn't want to appear to be a shiftless loser who threw in the towel at the 1st sign of trouble.

 

As to my ex's new partner, he acquired her during our marriage on one of his sex seeking Craig's list surfing sessions, the sessions he had while I was out there breaking my arse working to pay our bills.

 

and is CL still working for you too?????

 

To be so serious for a minute..... I really am sorry for all you went through, but I hope you are doing better (and maybe seeing a professional to work through the crap this ahole put you through).

[jd08]

I don't really initiate anymore. Just so tired of the rejection. Its not worth the anger and frustration. I know she doesn't want to so why bother. What has me really fed up today is that on Wednesday she actually promised me repeatedly that sex would happen on thursday. So Thursday night rolls around and she is "too tired" at 945 and says we wod have to wait until tonight. That's when I went off. Not even mad so much anymore as just upset.

 

 

How do you initiate sex?

 

Do you take her out on a date? Do you do something romantic? Do you help her with the baby earlier in the day/evening so she has some time for herself?

 

I'm not a mom, but I can imagine as a mom with a toddler, you're busy and it can be draining and you may not be feeling at your sexiest. For me, and many women, I imagine that to get into that frame of mind, romance goes a loooooong way! If I came home and my husband has a romantic dinner made, sent the baby to his mom's house, bought me some flowers, has some candles and wine set out and gives me a a massage.....he better believe he is getting some!

 

He doesn't have to do this every single time...but little gestures like these show me he cares about ME in total and not just wants sex alone, despite my feelings. It will make me more inclined to want to be intimate. Most women want to feel loved and cherished and then sexy and beautiful and then they'll want to have sex with you....if you approach it as if it is just about the sex or you ignore other issues -as maybe she feels you don't help with the baby, maybe she feels you don't talk to her, who knows- but it's possible that holding out on sex is not just about the sex...for most women it really isn't. Usually they are upset with you for something else or there is something else going on with them, so a man being caring, considerate, attentive and romantic without just seeming like a selfish horndog helps a lot for tings to flow in that area!

 

If you aren't doing stuff like I describe...maybe you should try it for a month. Act like you are courting her again. Talk to her about her day, send her sweet text messages, help with the baby, arrange a night for the baby to stay with a relative, buy her a pretty dress, some flowers, chocolate for no reason, take her out to dinner, a movie, cook her dinner....try it and see if things change.

[StoneCold]

I don't really initiate anymore. Just so tired of the rejection. Its not worth the anger and frustration. I know she doesn't want to so why bother. What has me really fed up today is that on Wednesday she actually promised me repeatedly that sex would happen on thursday. So Thursday night rolls around and she is "too tired" at 945 and says we wod have to wait until tonight. That's when I went off. Not even mad so much anymore as just upset.

 

 

IF your situation is anything like I have experienced......IF..... I wouldnt put much stock in anything she says....if you do you are just setting yourself up to walk out of this still sexless and feeling quite stupid....

 

If this doesnt fix immediately this could go down a very "interesting" road..... You have a 2 yr old so I gather leaving wont be the easiest thing to do (in as much as you know you may have to; hopefully sooner than later); it certainly isnt an overnight process. However, until you actually do leave (whenever that is) your needs wont go away...thats for sure.....so how long can you keep up being sexless?.................. wheres your breaking point? and for all you trigger happy BSers out there when i say breaking point it doesnt necessarily mean cheating....it could also be the point where you get really nasty at home to the point where home is a toxic gas chamber for all its denizens (which arguably may be no better than cheating...depending on who you talk to it may be worse)

[Baboonie]

I don't really initiate anymore. Just so tired of the rejection. Its not worth the anger and frustration. I know she doesn't want to so why bother. What has me really fed up today is that on Wednesday she actually promised me repeatedly that sex would happen on thursday. So Thursday night rolls around and she is "too tired" at 945 and says we wod have to wait until tonight. That's when I went off. Not even mad so much anymore as just upset.

 

I've been a lurker for awhile now, but this particular post was too pathetic to ignore.

 

She's finished and will never make you happy again. I strongly suggest you do some pre-divorce planning (finances, children, support system, etc) and get yourself an attorney.

 

It would not surprise me one bit if you found out she was either cheating or in the divorce planning stages herself. I know you're probably overwhelmed with despair, but things do get better from here on out. I also suggest you start dating again. Being with other women will help your self-confidence.

[Feelin Frisky]

I've re-read some of your previous threads and I'm sorry things haven't got any better for you. The Facebook episode was quite suspicious... have you noticed anything else?

 

I must say that ADs kill the libido, but, if she really loved you, she would have some form of sex with you. My wife is on ADs too and she has zero libido. We still manage to have sex twice a month, but that could be because I threatened divorce in the past and with 4 kids and shift work she would find herself in a pretty dire situation... But I have noticed that she changed her attitude towards it and she is making an effort.

 

Obviously, there is something serious troubling her... it could just be her anxiety + looking after the child, but I reckon there are more deep-rooted reasons... sorry I can't be of more help.

 

It's not so that AD's "kill the libido" except in rare cases. Anti-psychotics do that. Anti-depressants should not get white-washed with the same brush. SSRI anti-depressants have a "sexual side effect" called "anorgasmia" in which a person finds it difficult or impossible to orgasm. That does not mean there is a loss of sexual appetite in any other way nor does it imply the inability to sustain an erection in men. Anti-psychotics given for other mental illnesses, like Thorazine and stelazine cause lethargy in which sex becomes far from the mind and difficult for the body. Just passing along information because it's potentially dangerous to tell people they'll lose their libido from ADs. People who suffer from "anorgasmia" may find sex frustrating and avoid it for that reason but we should not think that they have no basic wish or hope for sexual fulfillment.

[giotto]

It's not so that AD's "kill the libido" except in rare cases. Anti-psychotics do that. Anti-depressants should not get white-washed with the same brush. SSRI anti-depressants have a "sexual side effect" called "anorgasmia" in which a person finds it difficult or impossible to orgasm. That does not mean there is a loss of sexual appetite in any other way nor does it imply the inability to sustain an erection in men. Anti-psychotics given for other mental illnesses, like Thorazine and stelazine cause lethargy in which sex becomes far from the mind and difficult for the body. Just passing along information because it's potentially dangerous to tell people they'll lose their libido from ADs. People who suffer from "anorgasmia" may find sex frustrating and avoid it for that reason but we should not think that they have no basic wish or hope for sexual fulfillment.

 

well, maybe I should have said they reduce the libido to a great extent and, obviously, anorgasmia is the main culprit. I know, because I've been on ADs myself. The problem is, it seems to affect my wife a lot more than it affected me, certainly enough to "kill" her libido together with her issues. Having said that, sexual side effects are reported widely with SSRIs, so there is a lot of truth in what I'm saying. I was there and I know how I didn't feel anything down there for a long time.

[soserious1]

I don't really initiate anymore. Just so tired of the rejection. Its not worth the anger and frustration. I know she doesn't want to so why bother. What has me really fed up today is that on Wednesday she actually promised me repeatedly that sex would happen on thursday. So Thursday night rolls around and she is "too tired" at 945 and says we wod have to wait until tonight. That's when I went off. Not even mad so much anymore as just upset.

 

From my experience, once you are to the point that you're begging for sex & having arguments over the lack of intimacy the marriage is done,stick a fork in it.

[jd08]

Fortunately for me I AM an attorney. And I do a lot of divorce work.

 

 

I've been a lurker for awhile now, but this particular post was too pathetic to ignore.

 

She's finished and will never make you happy again. I strongly suggest you do some pre-divorce planning (finances, children, support system, etc) and get yourself an attorney.

 

It would not surprise me one bit if you found out she was either cheating or in the divorce planning stages herself. I know you're probably overwhelmed with despair, but things do get better from here on out. I also suggest you start dating again. Being with other women will help your self-confidence.

[carhill]

Cool.... prepare a post-nup to reflect the current abrogation of the marital contract. Get yourself some relief. It's only fair, IMO.

[Richard Friedman]

Another schmuck wasting the best years of his life. Most in the world guys get married expecting theyll get sex*and women understand itspart of the territory, just like housecleaning, gardening etc.). In america it seems a man can expect his sex life to go to hell in a handbasket. I wonder why you guys do it.

[KathyM]

You need marriage counseling to save your marriage. MC can help to reestablish priorities in a relationship and renew a sex life. Your wife needs to realize that the marriage is of primary importance, and despite the fact that the child takes up a lot of her time and energy, she needs to make time for you and the marriage, and she needs to renew your sex life together. MC will help her realize that. It's not too late. Call the counselor and start working to save it before it's too late.

[frozensprouts]

All this talk of pampering and spoiling the stay at home spouse in desperate hope that they might hold their noses for 10 minutes and allow you to give them an orgasm.

 

Funny, there's no such pampering for the bread winning spouse, the message is get out there, make the fscking money and pay our bills and when you get home you'd best step lively & get busy cleaning,cooking & kissing my arse!

 

LOL, the only pampering I ever got from my sexually refusing stay at home ex husband is that he would considerately gather the bills from the mail & leave them next to my dinner plate...he'd pout if I didn't immediately thank him for being so helpful!

 

OP, I'd suggest telling your wife that you've been thinking too, that since it was clear that she finds staying at home so stressful that she needs to go out and get herself a job, she can have her "me" time during her commute & lunch break each day the same as you've been getting.

 

a "pampered stay at home parent":lmao:....

 

have you ever been one?

 

I am...we got three kids.

 

Here's what my husband does...

 

(a) goes to work for 7 hrs a day. ( his job is physically demanding, and he's tired when he gets home. there are also times when he's away for weeks or months doing really hard work and he always comes home exhausted- this is why I don't ask much of him unless it's something he can't do himself)

 

what i do...

 

all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, child care, handle the finances, do all the yard work, make sure the kids get to their medial appointments, etc. , walk them to and from school every day, do all the shopping, do all the house maintenance, help our kids with their school work, do speech, physical and occupational therapy with our kids, try and keep myself looking decent, try to have some time each day "alone" with my husband, etc., etc., etc.

 

it's not all " sitting on your butt eating bon bons" for a stay at home parent... i work every bit as hard as my husband, but i don't get paid and most put little value on what i do

 

 

 

anyway...rant over:D

 

original poster...

 

i'm not trying to minimize your problem what so ever. it sounds like you are feeling very sad and very hurt by her rejection.

 

some questions for you...

have you told her that? does she know how you feel? Have you told her that it's not just because you want sex, but it also because you want to have emotional intimacy with her because you love her?

 

She may feel like "it's the end of the day... i just put our child to bed after having them "hang off " me all day, and now all i want is some time to myself and now my husband wants to hang off me because he just wants sex" ( i know that's not how you really feel, but maybe she thinks it is). Have you tried explaining it to her so that she understands that it's because you care so much and want to feel close to her?

 

if you feel that you can't find the right words to tell her, then is it possible to find n online article, etc. that expresses how you feel that you could read together that may help get the conversation started?

 

despite what you may read on here, many women who do have a low sex drives aren't that way because they want to be cruel to their spouses. Some go through a lot of emotional pain because of it, and it's not like they can just throw a switch and their sex drive becomes high.

 

I know this problem is seriously affecting you... has she always been this way, or is this new? If it's new, and you still love your wife and want your marriage to work, hen i would suggest that you try everything you can to make a change. Counseling together may help.

 

If all else fails, then maybe you should tell your wife that if there isn't a change, then the marriage is over. But only as a last resort.

 

( one more thing... it sounds like being a stay at home mom has isolated her socially and she is turning "online" to find social contact. That cab be a bad path to get started on...is there any way that you can encourage her to socialize more with real live adults ( i volunteer in my community when i can...it's nice to talk to other "grown ups", and helps give me a self esteem boost) and maybe go out together, just the two of you, now and again?

Edited October 29, 2011 by frozensprouts