Wife says she can't "force" herself to have sex

[The Blue Knight]

Listening to many stay at home spouses complain endlessly one would think that they had nothing to do with the creation of the children that they are caring for when in fact they have everything to do with the choice.

 

And you are correct, nobody forced me to support my stay at home spouse & when I got sick of doing so I divorced him, now a judge forces me to continue supporting him or I go to jail, nobody's been ordered to clean my house,cook my meals

or do my laundry though, funny how that works.

 

I guess I'll just have to content myself now with using men for what hang's between their legs, laughing and closing the door in their faces when they suggest I might want to have any sort of deeper involvement in their lives. It's a LOT more fun than being an insipid faithful lil'wifey ever was

 

soserious, I've seen what happened to you happen many times to others. Usually it's the guy who gets the short stick. You're one of the rare gender reversals. One guy I know who worked three jobs, and had three kids with his ex got taken to the cleaners. She got the house that he bought for her. She got the kids, most of the time, and he got hit with lots of child support and therefore had to keep working his three jobs per the court. WHAT A SHAM! Your last comment though gave me cause to comment that I think there are decent men (and women) out there. I can see why your cynical, trust me. Our divorce system as you point out doesn't seem very fair when the assets and financial support is decided. Obviously your ex has little pride in himself. What a bum!

[AHardDaysNight]

You see, this is why men go to hookers...because their wives aren't giving them sex at home.

 

OP, I feel for you. I shouldn't say that you should give up, but it's looking pretty bleak, man. Perhaps you should consider a divorce.

[The Blue Knight]

Yes, parents who have the opportunity to stay home with their kids have it good.

 

Also, it is draining work.

 

These are not mutually exclusive realities.

I'm hesitant to continue with this because I don't like highjacking the OPs thread. But as a couple of others pointed out being a working Mom is probably tougher for a couple of reasons. They have to complete most of the stay at home Mom's tasks, and work all day on top of that. Weekends are for cleaning and my wife does laundry nearly each night when she gets home from work. And it's tougher on the Dad as well. I try to do dinners as much as I can. On working days I get home around 7pm so it's each kid for themselves. In other words, you have two people going off to work each day and still having to chip in and get much of what the stay at home parent gets done without having the 40-hour a week grind of gainful employment. With that said, I wish I made enough for my wife to stay home and be with the kids more. But for the things we want and the things we are striving for, it's not going to happen.

[frozensprouts]

I'm hesitant to continue with this because I don't like highjacking the OPs thread. But as a couple of others pointed out being a working Mom is probably tougher for a couple of reasons. They have to complete most of the stay at home Mom's tasks, and work all day on top of that. Weekends are for cleaning and my wife does laundry nearly each night when she gets home from work. And it's tougher on the Dad as well. I try to do dinners as much as I can. On working days I get home around 7pm so it's each kid for themselves. In other words, you have two people going off to work each day and still having to chip in and get much of what the stay at home parent gets done without having the 40-hour a week grind of gainful employment. With that said, I wish I made enough for my wife to stay home and be with the kids more. But for the things we want and the things we are striving for, it's not going to happen.

 

 

i actually started a thread about this to avoid hijacking this one.

 

but i would like to say one thing... for the parents I know who say at home... they are the ones doing 99.99 % of the "at home tasks"... when their spouse gets home, their work day is probably over, but the stay at home parents continues. My husband has to get up early for work, so I'm the one who stays up with our kids, getting the minute little tasks completed.

as for you both working... gain, that is a choice... not a bad one, but no different than a parent choosing to stay at home. as a stay at home parent, i have given up "extras", but to me, that's worth it. others may feel differently, and if that's right for them, great.

It is not a contest, and i wonder why this is such a "hot button' issue?

[The Blue Knight]

i actually started a thread about this to avoid hijacking this one.

but i would like to say one thing... for the parents I know who say at home... they are the ones doing 99.99 % of the "at home tasks"... when their spouse gets home, their work day is probably over, but the stay at home parents continues. My husband has to get up early for work, so I'm the one who stays up with our kids, getting the minute little tasks completed.

as for you both working... gain, that is a choice... not a bad one, but no different than a parent choosing to stay at home. as a stay at home parent, i have given up "extras", but to me, that's worth it. others may feel differently, and if that's right for them, great.

It is not a contest, and i wonder why this is such a "hot button' issue?

I agree frozen. Both parents working is clearly a choice. But as I pointed out, two parents often need to work to keep up the lifestyle desires sought. Those are most definitely choices made by the marriage partners. I have no issue with a parent staying home so long as it's a mutual decision. In my sister's case, she pretty much told her husband she was staying home after the first child and that was that.

 

I experienced a bit of the stay at home Dad thing when my son was two. I injured myself at work, had surgery and was at home for about 8 months. It was great! Nice for bonding with my son and I was able to take care of a lot of the domestic needs such as wash, dinners, hobbies, etc. I can't say I was ever really stressed.

For me personally, it's not a hot button issue at all unless you consider the bad aftermath such as what happened to soserious who got pretty much sodomized by the courts by making her pay her stay at home husband alimony while she got nothing in return. That's just wrong. But that's our domestic courts today. Had I been the judge, my ruling would be get off your ass and get a job pal!

 

If we get back to JD08's original issue however, he has a stay at home wife who has no energy or desire for him after he works all day. What does he come home too? A wife who wants to have her "alone" time and treats him like the plague. I think that's how this whole subject took off in the first place.

[xxoo]

It is not a contest, and i wonder why this is such a "hot button' issue?

 

I agree it is not a contest.

 

But it is a hot button issue for me when the implication is that the SAHP has less reason to be stressed and tired. Ridiculous!

 

And yes, I've 1. worked AND 2. stayed home AND even 3. taken my child to work with me (the third option being the hardest IME, by far).

 

For me, going to work is a break. I have far more energy for my H, and my kids, if I have a job.

[MissBee]

I don't really initiate anymore. Just so tired of the rejection. Its not worth the anger and frustration. I know she doesn't want to so why bother. What has me really fed up today is that on Wednesday she actually promised me repeatedly that sex would happen on thursday. So Thursday night rolls around and she is "too tired" at 945 and says we wod have to wait until tonight. That's when I went off. Not even mad so much anymore as just upset.

 

Okay when you did initiate how would you do it? You haven't responded to that....

[frozensprouts]

 

 

If we get back to JD08's original issue however, he has a stay at home wife who has no energy or desire for him after he works all day. What does he come home too? A wife who wants to have her "alone" time and treats him like the plague. I think that's how this whole subject took off in the first place.

 

i don't understand this either...

it sounds like she is shutting herself off from the world to be online ( and not just her husband). this concerns me, as it sounds like there may be more going on here than just an issue with her sex drive.

 

the op also says she's not affectionate towards him...no matter how tired one is, it's important to have some time together when you can, just as "adults"

[jd08]

I agree with an earlier poster who compared the situation to his sisters. I feel shut out emotionally and think that she has completely given herself up to our daughter and has left me totally out of the emotional loop. She doesn't feel bad or remorseful about this in the least because she thinks of herself as only a mother and not a wife. Her priorities are skewed at this point. Obviously the child demands a ton of time and needs the attention but it is defintely coming at the expense of our marriage.

 

I dont want to portray the situation as hostile or bitter because it isn't. We are respectful outwardly to each other and certainly civil. But the lack of concern for for our sex life is seriously troubling. Troubling to the point where I have definitely thought I would not be able to resist the temptation of another woman if that became a possibility. Ive had oppportinities before and was able to turn them down certainly out of respect for her and our family. Now I'm just not so sure anymore.

 

Because of my line of work I just hate the thought of divorce as I know first hand that she will walk away with everything and I will be stuck with a ton of alimony and child support and will get to see my child every other weekend at best. I can't stand that thought.

[jd08]

Okay when you did initiate how would you do it? You haven't responded to that....

 

That seems like eons ago but when it actually happened I would usually just massage various areas of her body starting with her feet and legs and then shoulders. Play with her hair and kiss her neck and slowly move to touching her in other areas which would lead to removing her clothes.

 

Eventually I just got tired of hearing "not tonight" so I stopped.

[The Blue Knight]

i don't understand this either...

it sounds like she is shutting herself off from the world to be online ( and not just her husband). this concerns me, as it sounds like there may be more going on here than just an issue with her sex drive.

 

the op also says she's not affectionate towards him...no matter how tired one is, it's important to have some time together when you can, just as "adults"

Agreed

 

Sex is an issue all by itself. She seems to be far removed from JD08 in several other ways as well . . . including lovingly and emotionally.

[Els]

Elswyth - you're neither married nor are you a mother. While you're certainly entitled to an opinion and you're entitled to post on any thread on this board, you're speaking of something of which you have no personal knowledge.

 

I will not go into detail about all the things I do for my child during the day because frankly it's none of your business and would bore everyone else. Suffice it to say, I do double duty compared to a stay at home mom. We don't have a maid or a housekeeper so everything a stay at home mom does at home has to be done by a working mom.

Unless a stay at home mom's child is under the age of 5, the child will be at school for a good portion of the day so the stay at home mom isn't watching the child all day any more othan a working mom.

 

I've stayed at home with my child when she was young. I know what it's like to stay at home. Working as an attorney then coming home to household responsibilities is much harder than staying at home with my child when she was an infant. Not even a close comparison.

 

I think you missed the major point of my post. Here it is again:

 

Most reasonable people don't believe that the working spouse should come home and pamper the SAHP every day, I would think, but neither do most reasonable people believe that, quote the poster you are quoting, 'SAHPs sit at home with their hand held outstretched to collect some man's paycheck while sitting on the internet complaining about him.' And THAT is what some of us take issue with.

 

Look, no matter how much more difficult you felt it was for you, that does not give someone like soserious the right to attack a poster who stayed at home to take care of her children who had disabilities. I know high-flying women, doctors, surgeons, attorneys like yourself, who gave up their careers, that they spent YEARS investing in, so that they could personally take care of their newborn children. They did it out of love, and I am sure it was a painful sacrifice. They did not want their children to have to see a nanny's face 9 hours of the day and only see theirs 3 hours a day. Whether or not a woman decides to do this is her prerogative, but neither decision deserves to be abhorred and trivialized.

 

Also, if you were an attorney and your husband brought back a decent paycheck as well, why would you not just hire a housecleaner to ease your workload so that you don't need to do housework upon returning home? Most SAHPs would not have that option.

[Cdw5612]

I can actually understand where your wife is coming from. I'm a full time student and stay at home mom. Both my kids are finally school age (yay!!) but I'm pregnant so I'm getting ready to deal with another one at home (not so yay lol). My question to you is, is the only time you touch her is when you want sex? Something that I learned in counseling and that I'm still trying to knock into my husband's hard, stubborn head is that most times it's the non sexual contact that means the most. I put it to him like this....I'm not a stripper or porn star, I'm your wife and mother of your kids. Show me some affection. Maybe that's what she needs. Not necessarily to be pampered, but to be loved on without the pressure of sex all of the time. I know men think differently and all, but sometimes a little more enlightened train of thought is in order.

[RiverRunning]

Cdw has a good attitude toward it. Try to just show physical affection toward her and -not- let it culminate in sex for a while. Ask her to lie with you on the couch at the end of the night while you watch T.V. and you hold her. Little gestures like that can start 'training' her to get into that mindset again.

 

Her lack of concern is troubling. Like many other posters, I was rejected for a long time and I've lost desire toward my partner because of it. If he initiates, most of the time I go with the flow, but even now I still get rejected basically every time I bring it up. It has to be on HIS schedule every time. I hate that. I tried to initiate the other night and he was too tired. I tried to initiate last night and he was too full. It's all the same, boring, stupid, tired excuses all over again. No wonder I generally don't have much of a sex drive anymore and I don't think about him erotically.

 

Are you sure you didn't have a rejection pattern set-up with your wife, and now you're getting 'payback,' so to speak?

 

Were you having sexual troubles while she was pregnant? Very shortly after your child's birth?

 

Depression and post-partum could obviously lead to a lack of sex drive. But her lack of concern about how it's affecting you - the fact she's told you outright she won't force herself to have sex - seems to be an issue. It shows she doesn't care about how you feel. There's an emotional disconnect somewhere and at best it sounds like you should suggest marital counseling with her. If you can get to the bottom of these emotional issues, maybe you can start working your way toward sex again.

 

Was her pregnancy difficult? Some people can wind up so scarred from pregnancy/delivery/etc. that the thought of having sex again can leave them petrified. It's a sure guarantee they'll never wind up in that boat again. Could this be a possibility?

 

Does she think you've been unfaithful? You mention that you've had opportunities before. Does she know about these? Has she expressed jealousy or concern over any of your colleagues?