cheating girlfriend (same old story)

[zergling]

Bleh.

I've been dating this girl for over 3 years now. 2 years ago, she went to study abroad in England. I was deeply in love with her then, and was very sad that she would be away from me for a whole year. Nevertheless, I decided to wait it out, and wait for her to come back. Well, while in England, she told me she wanted to date other people. We had decided to stay together, and I was completely dedicated to her while she was gone (I wouldn't even talk to other girls who were interested in me in bars and parties, and my friends tell me I stopped checking out other girls. I guess I turned that part of me off for a year). Anyway, there was this guy she apparently wanted to date in England. They went to a few movies together, and hung out a lot, but I don't think anything actually happened other than that. Still, it hurt a lot when I found out about it, and I became paranoid that she would follow through. When she came back from England, she planned a last-minute trip to Korea, and left 2 weeks after she came back. Then, only 2 weeks after being there, she slept with a guy who was on the trip with her twice.

 

A few days before I was supposed to pick her up from the train station, she told me that "she had dated someone" while in Korea. She wouldn't tell me how far it went, and wouldn't give me any details (so she basically potentially exposed me to STDs without telling me). I figured it only went as far as it went with the guy in England; just dinner and movies. I was still very angry and came very close to throwing all of her stuff in the dumpster, and leaving her at the train station. We decided to try to make it work, and had planned on moving in together when she got back anyway, so she moved into my apartment.

 

After a month of her not telling me what really happened, and continuing to talk to him over AIM, and lying to me about who he was, and how far it went, I read her email and found some AIM conversations that pretty much confirmed my worst fears. It was a wrong thing to do, but I *had* to know what happened. I was (still am) completely devastated. Just reading it, and knowing it was true made me so sick to my stomach that I had to run to the bathroom and vomit. She says she was "the drunkest she had ever been" and that she did it because "she wanted to get married to me, and had to sleep with someone else before getting married" (I was the only person she had slept with prior to this, and she's still the only person I've slept with), which is pretty much the stupidest load of crap I've ever heard.

 

That was about a year ago, and we're still "trying to make it work". I know she feels horrible about what she did, but now I'm so paranoid it will happen again that I don't even trust her to do normal everyday things if I'm not around. I feel like I've let myself down too, by taking her back, but I also don't think I could trust anyone in a relationship again (at least not anytime soon).

 

Her cheating on me has been the single most devastating event in my life. It has completely changed me into a different person. I feel like my life has been destroyed, and there's nothing I can do to repair it. Maybe I'm being over-dramatic, but that's how I feel.

 

Now, I still don't trust her. We fight a lot. I still feel totally taken advantage of. I don't think she's done enough to make up for what she's done, but I also can't think of anything she could do that would make it ok.

 

I don't want to give up though. I still love her, despite it all, and I know she loves me. She went to counseling for a while, agreed to never talk to him again, tries to make it up to me by doing little things for me all the time. I don't think she would ever cheat again, since it's affected her a lot too.

 

I still have a lot of issues with our relationship though. I feel like if we're going to be together long term, I need to sleep with someone else to make things equal again, and since I've never slept with anyone else. I also think there are some things she is still lying about or left out. But at the same time, I don't want to be alone (I'm somewhat shy, and am horrible at picking women up), and I can't see myself ever trusting anyone enough to be in a committed relationship again.

 

Anyway, that's my pathetic story. I guess I just needed to vent a bit.

[bluechocolate]

You saying that you have to sleep with someone else because that is what she did is pretty much the stupidest load of crap I've ever heard. (those are your words)

 

If you can't trust her & won't forgive her then let her go & move on.

 

She's gone to counselling - maybe it's time for you to do the same.

[zergling]

Yeah, you're right. It is stupid for me to want to sleep with someone else, and I don't know why I feel that way.

 

Let me put it this way; I was fine with her being the only person I had slept with until she cheated on me. We were on even footing. Everything was great. We got along great together, and we were both happy. It's not even that I want to sleep with someone else; I want to be with her, I just want things to be equal again, and not feel like I was walked on. I want things to be the way they were before it happened. I'd like to think the relationship is mendable, and that I haven't wasted the past 3 years of my life...

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

My friend I think it is important to open your eyes. If you think you are hurt now wait until you are married. First, I seriously doubt she told you the truth about the guy in Britain. Second, she did not tell you the truth about the sex she had with the guy in Korea and putting your health at great risk for STD's. You have to catch her by reading the emails to get the truth. Thirdly, she says she needed to screw this other guy and put your health at risk because she was going to marry you? Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head?

 

You date someone to find out the type of person they are. The bottom line is that she has a broken moral compass and clearly has disdain and very little respect for a man she was planning to marry. I don't see how you could look at her the same way doing this to you when you are engaged? Seriously do you feel proud and honored that she may be your wife. It seems to me that you made a mistake with her. You clearly cared and respected her much more than she has for you. The fact that she could tell you I had to screw this guy before I married you should have been enough for you to kick her to the curb.

You need to find someone who truly loves and respect you and believes in a committment. I think you would be very very foolish to marry this woman. She has shown you what she really thinks of you and how everything is about her.

Find someone else because you deserve someone a whole lot better than she is and I think down deep you know this also. You have your whole life ahead of you and clearly she does not deserve you. I wish you luck.